So, I take a much needed hot bath after and evening of son, daughter in law and grandsons....very nice evening, but then, I was really tired after the whole day and all. Worn out. Went and took a really deep...literally up to my chin...bath and soaked out some of the physical pain. Got out. Put on sweats and a shirt. Went to turn down the heat and tell my boys goodnight when what to my unbelieving eyes should appear but car lights in my drive that belong to my ex. I don't know why he was in my drive. Perhaps he towed my sons car here. Perhaps. Weird that he doesn't mention it. And he told my other son to go in the barn...my barn....and get certain things to use. My son asked me because he says it's my house. But....it's all just so weird. So....odd. But, as I waltzed in front of the door window in my pj's before I realized that there was anyone out there, I had an epiphany...for over a week I won't see him around town or have to worry about him stopping by the house for any reason. There's something good. I'm always one to look for something good. ;)
But still....for tonight, it wears on me having him pull in my drive. Having him out there when I'm scantily clad...just feels icky. Like an intrusion. He hurt me too much and I'm still needing time and space. The space he gives deals with communicating about the kids...doesn't do that at all. He wants me to get back together. He communicates about that. He did text that he needs to take them out to dinner next week to celebrate Christmas......I texted back that I thought that they were spending Christmas together. He said that he wants to give them their gifts and do it with their friends. Gift exchanging isn't going on in TX. Well, their grandparents might do something, I don't know.
Still out in my driveway. I turned off my bedroom light. It's 9:30 at night. I'm tired. I don't want to interact with anyone else today.
But one thing is sure...he just continues to do as he pleases. Now, it feels like he's always trying to buy them off. Being someone totally different. Acting generous to them.....but, on the other hand, not exactly. He doesn't get the part about parenting still. About having to get the kid home from college. He doesn't get that it's a lot of work to do what needs to be done. He swoops in and goes out to eat. Watches a game. Plays a game or two. Watches a movie. How they are in life, what they need, how they feel, what they think, who they are....no interest. Just needs them to make him look good by being their amazing selves and also make him feel good by doing stuff with him. It's really too bad that he missed out. For real...not sarcastically. Because they are great people. Even in their not so great moments. And they have taught me much.
I think that the drive is clear. Maybe. A little afraid to look out my window.
I'm glad he helped my son tow his car. I told my son that I'm no good at it. Took him several days to ask his dad to do it. He tried others first.
Relationship. Not winning. Not bribing. Not wooing. Just doing the hard work of building something real. It IS hard. Especially with wounded teens. But...it's also really good. I am finding it a comfort seeing them be real. But I often pay the price for their hurt. And I take their blame. And I hear their blech. I am their mom. Their parent. It's my job. It's my privilege. All so that they can grow up and move on in their lives. Crazy how something so painful can be so satisfying.
good night.
But still....for tonight, it wears on me having him pull in my drive. Having him out there when I'm scantily clad...just feels icky. Like an intrusion. He hurt me too much and I'm still needing time and space. The space he gives deals with communicating about the kids...doesn't do that at all. He wants me to get back together. He communicates about that. He did text that he needs to take them out to dinner next week to celebrate Christmas......I texted back that I thought that they were spending Christmas together. He said that he wants to give them their gifts and do it with their friends. Gift exchanging isn't going on in TX. Well, their grandparents might do something, I don't know.
Still out in my driveway. I turned off my bedroom light. It's 9:30 at night. I'm tired. I don't want to interact with anyone else today.
But one thing is sure...he just continues to do as he pleases. Now, it feels like he's always trying to buy them off. Being someone totally different. Acting generous to them.....but, on the other hand, not exactly. He doesn't get the part about parenting still. About having to get the kid home from college. He doesn't get that it's a lot of work to do what needs to be done. He swoops in and goes out to eat. Watches a game. Plays a game or two. Watches a movie. How they are in life, what they need, how they feel, what they think, who they are....no interest. Just needs them to make him look good by being their amazing selves and also make him feel good by doing stuff with him. It's really too bad that he missed out. For real...not sarcastically. Because they are great people. Even in their not so great moments. And they have taught me much.
I think that the drive is clear. Maybe. A little afraid to look out my window.
I'm glad he helped my son tow his car. I told my son that I'm no good at it. Took him several days to ask his dad to do it. He tried others first.
Relationship. Not winning. Not bribing. Not wooing. Just doing the hard work of building something real. It IS hard. Especially with wounded teens. But...it's also really good. I am finding it a comfort seeing them be real. But I often pay the price for their hurt. And I take their blame. And I hear their blech. I am their mom. Their parent. It's my job. It's my privilege. All so that they can grow up and move on in their lives. Crazy how something so painful can be so satisfying.
good night.
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