Time to rest this morning. Haven't felt well. But, not too bad. Just enough to make me weaker. Which, for me.....not good. But, I have been here in bed thinking about Christmas. It's not easy to do. I don't want to be pathetic. That seems to be my biggest fear of all. To not only feel the feelings of loss and pain but to have them spill over onto others. That...I don't want. So I am trying to be pro-active. Facing things a bit at a time. Working at it. And it is work. Lots of work.
But this was a good morning for it. A very good morning. Alone. In bed. To practice dealing with the emotions. To pray. To think it through.
I don't really have money to do something for me. I gave it to my eldest kid in the form of a trip. So it looks like I'll probably have to suck it up and stay here. Unless God provides something else. But, I have things to do at my house. And I can deal with being alone. It's probably not the alone so much as the idea of not with my kids. Of having been used again by my ex. He didn't even respond to my email about when will they be back. So, I could go out of town and not get back in time....stressful. I don't want to have to ask my kids...puts them on the spot. So I carry the burden of not knowing.
It will be a good trip for them. So much fun with cousins, aunt, uncles, grandparents. That is what I choose to look upon. But on mornings like today, I force myself to stop and look at how it's actually going to feel...it's going to be really hard. Harder than I think that I can imagine. And I just have to get through it.
My ex thinks that somehow there's a way that I would want to get back together because he is going back and apologizing. I do appreciate his new sense of awareness. However, it doesn't change the current behavior. I don't think that taking a decade between hurting someone and seeing it, indicates a close relationship. He's still behaving the same. And probably doesn't even know it.
Wonder if he knows that I gave him a gift. That I made it possible for the kids to be free emotionally to be present with him and his family this holiday? I don't think that he has a clue. I released them. Because I want for them not to be torn. I want them to be able to go full out with what they are doing. I don't want to be a pulling force that makes them feel stretched or uncomfortable. I know they love me. They don't have to choose me or be sad about not being with me for me to know that.
I kind of hope that they call me on Christmas, but not sure that will happen. They feel awkward talking to me when they are there. That will be ok too.
Now...on to making this house decorating ready.
blessings.
But this was a good morning for it. A very good morning. Alone. In bed. To practice dealing with the emotions. To pray. To think it through.
I don't really have money to do something for me. I gave it to my eldest kid in the form of a trip. So it looks like I'll probably have to suck it up and stay here. Unless God provides something else. But, I have things to do at my house. And I can deal with being alone. It's probably not the alone so much as the idea of not with my kids. Of having been used again by my ex. He didn't even respond to my email about when will they be back. So, I could go out of town and not get back in time....stressful. I don't want to have to ask my kids...puts them on the spot. So I carry the burden of not knowing.
It will be a good trip for them. So much fun with cousins, aunt, uncles, grandparents. That is what I choose to look upon. But on mornings like today, I force myself to stop and look at how it's actually going to feel...it's going to be really hard. Harder than I think that I can imagine. And I just have to get through it.
My ex thinks that somehow there's a way that I would want to get back together because he is going back and apologizing. I do appreciate his new sense of awareness. However, it doesn't change the current behavior. I don't think that taking a decade between hurting someone and seeing it, indicates a close relationship. He's still behaving the same. And probably doesn't even know it.
Wonder if he knows that I gave him a gift. That I made it possible for the kids to be free emotionally to be present with him and his family this holiday? I don't think that he has a clue. I released them. Because I want for them not to be torn. I want them to be able to go full out with what they are doing. I don't want to be a pulling force that makes them feel stretched or uncomfortable. I know they love me. They don't have to choose me or be sad about not being with me for me to know that.
I kind of hope that they call me on Christmas, but not sure that will happen. They feel awkward talking to me when they are there. That will be ok too.
Now...on to making this house decorating ready.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.