here on my big girl bed

today i made a rash decision.  i decided to take my credit card that i had eked by and made a decent payment on....and spend money on a mattress/box springs for myself.  it was a very hard decision for me.  but, today was the day.  i got it in my mind to do it and do it i did.  a friend went with me to alleviate the emotional trouble and to provide transportation for my purchase.  i found it harder than i probably was even able to express.  beds.  it has been close to three years since i have had a real bed in my own home.  i went to the couch.  the floor.  i had a cot after my husband moved out.  trust me, it was small.  with a four inch foam mattress.  but...with lots of pillows around me and pushed in a corner, i felt safer.  bed isn't a safe feeling place to me.  my ex doesn't realize how traumatized i am.  but, dealing with the bed issue has been huge for me.  the whole sex thing that i've talked about and how difficult that part of my life was...it's all just so much.  so desperately painful.  when i say that i was damaged or wounded, i mean it.  i was changed by his disregard, by his using.  by his never being content with who i was.  by the humiliating feeling that sex brought....especially in the end.  always to some degree, but after i had expressed what pain i was in, how hurt, how i needed connection...and he just plowed forward to get what he wanted...how he wanted.  if i was hesitant, he would use guilt.  so hard.  but, here i am.  in a bed.  hopefully it won't fall down.  the frame i had purchased earlier didn't work...so i'm using one that one of my sons had jury rigged awhile back.  i'll keep my eyes open for a different one.  but...for now...this will be ok.  stickers on it and all. ;)
i am so tired from being awake so early.  terrified about having to rise and shine tomorrow.  but i know that it will be fine.  no real problem.  it's just what happens when i get so physically exhausted.  i get scared that i won't be able to do it.  i have been careful with myself.  worked to not overdue.  but tonight i had that feeling inside.  that absolutely melted like butter exhaustion.  not enough lay down time.  and now...a new bed to get used to.  i am hoping that i can do this.  so far...so good.  i'm here sitting on it.  new white sheets.  new down comforter.  heating pad plugged in and heated.  should be good.  but it's.....big.  i am used to a bed less than three feet wide.  it was hard to sleep well in it because to roll over, i had to wake up.  but, it was safe feeling.  i was cozied in it.  i have to learn to be cozy in this bed.  it is still up to a wall.  in a corner.  i think it'll work.  i'm praying it'll work.  i need to start resting better.
buying a bed shouldn't be so emotionally draining.  but i'll tell you....it absolutely exhausted me.  i don't even know how to explain it to anyone.  but i did it anyway.  i will face each thing.  i will take back my home.  i will not let him and the memories of how he treated me ruin all of my life.  it's taking time to heal...but i am managing it one step at a time.  onward.
blessings.