snow. twinkle lights. snoring dog. dying fire. coming out of my room and being in the family room. soooo much food. roast and brie and crackers and posole and raspberries. wine and coffee. a merry christmas eve to me and my loved ones from someone in the past. a warm house. going through stuff to donate. broken plates. i didn't want them anymore. tears.
i'm having a hard time with it...but i'm doing my stinkin' best. lost it at about fire. :) that's ok. i'm allowed. it's a hard time. and i have to do it on my own. i get that. i have known it for weeks. i have always love christmas eve. i was always the one up late "doing" for the kids. now....butthead gets the privilege. hope he does well for them. really do.
i might have to go away in the morning. i don't know if i can stand it. i'm trying though. things to do here. grading. gradebook. schoolwork. cleaning my kids' rooms. i can do it. i'm sure of it. and yet...a part of me wants to hit the car and go. not far so much as just....out. but...a part of me just knows that the bottom line goodness in this all is knowing that i don't have to be with him anymore. that he has no power in my life.
it's good. very good. jesus was born. he lived. and he died. he died for me. loves me every single day. even when i'm a mess. and i'm pretty much a mess tonight. trying to be normal.
but, today when i was out driving around i was very aware of the fact that i have friends that have...disappeared. some would say that they haven't in that they talk to me if i initiate contact..but beyond that, i never hear from them. two of them i feel a loss. knowing that they have to do what they need to do, but also knowing that i have to give myself time to mourn and feel that pain. i am allowed to experience the pain. i am allowed to be a mess.
there are so many good things in my life. mostly people. i am so blessed with love and with a very amazing life. i just have to have this experience. and then...i'll have done it and survived. my ex won't be giving me a holiday sweater this year and then letting me know how i'm not very thankful. i don't have to pretend tomorrow. i can just be. that's good. though majorly painful. as for this moment...i can't believe that it's 7:15. Wow. Seems much later. Guess I have plenty of time to get some things done. Or shows watched. Or whatever.
"you're gonna make it after all" is one of my favorite lines from a song. very old. mary tyler moore. i'm gonna make it after all. and you are going to make it too.
ya know...i'm so much better than last christmas. that's progress. i'm not where i want to be nor who i want to be, but i am closer than i was then.
blessings.
i'm having a hard time with it...but i'm doing my stinkin' best. lost it at about fire. :) that's ok. i'm allowed. it's a hard time. and i have to do it on my own. i get that. i have known it for weeks. i have always love christmas eve. i was always the one up late "doing" for the kids. now....butthead gets the privilege. hope he does well for them. really do.
i might have to go away in the morning. i don't know if i can stand it. i'm trying though. things to do here. grading. gradebook. schoolwork. cleaning my kids' rooms. i can do it. i'm sure of it. and yet...a part of me wants to hit the car and go. not far so much as just....out. but...a part of me just knows that the bottom line goodness in this all is knowing that i don't have to be with him anymore. that he has no power in my life.
it's good. very good. jesus was born. he lived. and he died. he died for me. loves me every single day. even when i'm a mess. and i'm pretty much a mess tonight. trying to be normal.
but, today when i was out driving around i was very aware of the fact that i have friends that have...disappeared. some would say that they haven't in that they talk to me if i initiate contact..but beyond that, i never hear from them. two of them i feel a loss. knowing that they have to do what they need to do, but also knowing that i have to give myself time to mourn and feel that pain. i am allowed to experience the pain. i am allowed to be a mess.
there are so many good things in my life. mostly people. i am so blessed with love and with a very amazing life. i just have to have this experience. and then...i'll have done it and survived. my ex won't be giving me a holiday sweater this year and then letting me know how i'm not very thankful. i don't have to pretend tomorrow. i can just be. that's good. though majorly painful. as for this moment...i can't believe that it's 7:15. Wow. Seems much later. Guess I have plenty of time to get some things done. Or shows watched. Or whatever.
"you're gonna make it after all" is one of my favorite lines from a song. very old. mary tyler moore. i'm gonna make it after all. and you are going to make it too.
ya know...i'm so much better than last christmas. that's progress. i'm not where i want to be nor who i want to be, but i am closer than i was then.
blessings.
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