Numb

I don't know where to begin.  I don't even know how to say it anymore.  I feel like I walk in this bubble.  As if there is no explaining the pain nor the feelings that occur.  I spent time tonight hearing second hand how my ex is talking about me.  How he is a victim.  I am beyond hurt.  I am beyond angry.  I am....wounded, crushed, disbelieving that he says that he wants to pursue forgiveness and renewal but that he still acts like he doesn't get that what happened between us was a big deal.  He still scares me.  I think that I'm afraid to file the divorce papers.  The repercussions would be more than I'm living through now and even in the now, I don't feel too strong.  I feel.........lonely.  I went to a friend's house after all of the stuff was told to me...after a long day and rough evening.  She is kind.  She was loving.  But...I felt badly.  Like I gripe too much these days.  I'm just so crushed.  And here come the holidays and again I say....what to do?  I don't have anyone to say, "let's go do this cool thing."  I have to make it all alone.  I have to realize that.  And I have to embrace it.  But crying seems more appropriate right now.
He is stirring things up.  Telling people how he's a victim.  Guess that explains why I don't get any warm welcome from my pastor's wife anymore.  Guess that pretty much cinches the fact that I really have no "home"...no "family" within my church.  How can I manage that?  My whole life my church has been home and family to me.  Now that I've stood against the wrong that was going on...I am no longer a part.  And I could go and bad mouth.  I could make a fuss.  But who would that make me?  Not someone I'm proud of.
Tonight I just wanted to start driving.  Problem is...I'm not sure I'd want to come back.
Except for my kids, I'm not sure that it would really matter.
I feel completely exhausted.  Drained.  Went straight to bed when I got home.  I want to spew all of the mean things he did.  But to whom?
Instead, I retreat into my computer and blankets.  I remind myself that others don't need to be dragged into my garbage this holiday season.
Oh, I am so worried that my exes family will not be nice to my son.  That they will belittle the reasons that he doesn't want to spend time with his dad.
And.....I hope that they don't talk about me badly.  My oldest will come unglued if they do.
Yes, I went to a friends.  I wanted to crawl under a blanket and rest.  To just be with someone who hears me and sees me.  It just wasn't a good time.  I knew that.  I just....wanted it to be.  I wanted to just rest.  Really rest.  Not all alone.  Though being alone isn't horrid.  Tonight, I was lonely.  Suddenly all too aware of the fact that I have lost what "family" I had.
It's not fair.  It's not nice.  It's plain mean.  I can't change it.  I can't help what people believe.  I can't help that they want to help him.  He has to grab up every relationship when he doesn't even want relationship.  It's maddening.
How tragically troubling.  And the school shooting just hurt too.  My students will know come Monday.  And I will tell them what any teacher would..."yes, I'd stand between you and the maniac."  To my last breath, I would.  I do love.  I do love deeply.  But everyone I love has "real" family to love. It is what it is.  It doesn't change my love.  It just makes it a bit painful.  Ok, sometimes more than a bit.
He really needs to get it....I'm done....but no matter how I say it or how much I say it, he says that God will fix it.  That it's God's will.  Glad he feels confident to speak for God.
Yes, that was sarcasm.
grace to you.  I AM done.  My marriage is over.  Finished.  Next phase of life.......