good morning

hi.  happy sunday.

remember how i've been tired?  that hasn't changed.  though i've slept and rested.  i struggle with the journey sometimes.  and yet....what a wonderful journey it has been.

it's beautiful.  every day.  and even if i have to slow down, it's still amazing.  slowing down means that i get to stop and appreciate things better.  thankful.  being thankful no matter what comes.  no matter how hard it becomes.  some journeys that are walked with people all around are walked alone.  with others conveniently unaware of the deepest struggles.  of the pain.  

i am so very thankful that pain has been manageable.  that my body responds well to nutrition and better habits.  

yet, today, i just want to be energetic.  i don't want to have to push myself to be that way.  

but what is...is what is.  profound, huh?  so true.

so i will push through some of the lethargy.  the pain.  the tired.

and i will rise.

and get some things done.

and laugh with my children.

those things are healing.

they make life worth it.

even when it takes every last drop of strength.

what better can i give my strength to than my life?

no sense saving it.

life ends

but not yet.

right now, i have things to look forward to and things to plan for.

today i woke up sorry that i spent so many years with someone that sucked so much out of me.  but then i remembered that every person and every moment brought me to where i am now...was used by god to mold and shape and prepare...so, i take it, though i do wish that i could have back the strength and effort that i put into a person that simply didn't appreciate nor care for my brand of love.

ok.

have to put my feet on the floor and get a move on.

i know that i CAN.  i do it so often on these days.  so much so that nobody even notices.  but right now, i just want to turn over and go to sleep.  for about a week.  with someone waiting on me.

ha. :) i would hate that in short order, i think.

no. 

i bask in the chance to rise again.

the opportunity of a fine new day.

off i go.

enjoy yours.

blessings.

saturday

i have found that i am tired these days.  more than i expected, i guess.  last night i was asleep at about 8 and slept all night long.  i've been mostly lazy today.  feels good.  down time.  without guilt.
i got a birthday present today.  it was so thoughtful because it was one of those things that i love but most people don't realize it.  old oil paintings in the really old wood frames.  beautiful.  a cottage.  touching.  i was hesitant whether i wanted a gift so early.  my birthday is nearly a month away and i usually only get about one present.  sometimes two.  and one card in the mail.  but this year, i probably won't get that one. soooo....i hesitated.  then i decided, what the heck.  i might as well take it and open it and be thankful in the now.  how cool that someone thought of me!  that was a gift all in itself.
i will be 49 this year.  pretty awesome.  i am choosing to remember what a gift life is.  to embrace growing older.  it's not a given.  it's a gift.
tonight i'm gonna have a glass of wine, watch a few shows and relax.  without guilt.  though i've only done laundry and made one donation box for goodwill today.  oh well.  life goes on.
blessings.

money

everyone keeps needing money.  my friends.  house taxes.  groceries.  gas.  my kids...did i say that?  there's graduation. three in college.  phone service just took a big hike.  so much stuff.  and yet.  somehow.  i feel relaxed.  when my son was in need, i just did it.  it was ok.  i have stuff, but god always makes it work at the right time.  so somehow i have changed.
and some would say i'm just being optimistic.  that i'm not realistic.  that i'm irresponsible.  and i put that on myself for awhile this morning.
why aren't you worrying? why aren't you getting freaked out?
and then.
i laughed.
worry.
why?
it all works out somehow.  just at the right time.
every time i try to plan it all out and be on top of every single thing, i still find that there are things that i didn't plan on.  so why do i try to control it?
and why do i feel like it's my obligation to worry?
because of my marriage.
responsible meant that i was supposed to worry.
turn out.
i don't have to.
it's all ok.
somehow.
though i don't have it under control.
god does.
he knows.
he already knew.
makes me smile.
worry has melted.
and though it rises now and again,
mostly,
i just find joy in living.
simply living.
breathing.
loving.
giving.
in being present.
in believing in a huge god
and not that i have to help him
.
money is an amazing thing.
especially as i let go of it.
and the worry of it.
and don't make my decisions based upon it.
but upon what god has for me.
imagine that.
really imagine it.
i'm just a newbie.
god doesn't need me to plan my fiscal life.
he needs me to live the life he made for me.
planned for me.
to do and experience and meet those that he means for me to

life is sweet.
and salty.
i love the journey.
blessings.

walking along

 we are walking.  yesterday it was three miles around the lake.  with our three dogs.  the three of us.  it was far.  we were brave.  we enjoyed.  we felt good and accomplished.

and the sun settled in behind the mountains.  easing itself gently down for the night.  it was gorgeous.  

our dogs were so happy.  and....after most of the three miles, our one year old would heel and sit when i told her.  happy.

 my daughter wore her slippers.  a little humorous.

 look, there's my shadow.  i'm so tall!! and my dog looks big...but she's really the size of a corgi.  ha.  we walked and walked and walked.

 and the sun kept settling down.  it was truly gorgeous.  joyful.  though a path is hard and long, there is still joy.  this trip reminded me of that fully.  my first real walk in about nine months and i went three miles.  tonight was only one mile.  but i'm walking again.

 up. moving. choosing joy.  choosing good.  choosing to open my eyes and see.  really see.  to enjoy.  to be joy full.  to serve.  to laugh. to dance.  to be crazy.  to be thankful.  to be involved in my own life.  alert to it.  not settling.

i walked around this lake.  i am getting stronger.  because one day, i am going to walk around europe.  i am going to prepare.  to be ready.  it's not here yet, but it's coming.  and i am going to be not only physically strong, but i am going to be a joy expert.  i am going to be able to see the good even on the down days..  i'm going to be able to be thankful even when things don't go according to plan.  i am going to be ready to savor every scent, view, voice, moment.  because i am in training one step at a time.  life is a dear gift.  i've come to appreciate it.  and though it was too long coming, hopefully not too late.  knowing that life is short a a good reminder.  and i shall be glad of the reminder.
blessings.

SOS

SECRET OPTIMISM SOCIETY (S.O.S.)

Mission: To change the school one attitude at a time

Bylaws:

1. Thou shalt not take thyself seriously.

2. Thou shalt laugh freely at and make jokes about sex, bodily functions, etc.

3. Thou shalt compliment 1 adult and 1 child each day.

4. Thou shalt spread joy and cheer where and when it's needed most (i.e. with a smile, chocolate, hug, etc.).

5. Thou shalt swear freely except among children, admin, or non-Society members.

6. Thou shalt stay hydrated and healthy throughout the school day in order to exude and feel joy & happiness.

7. Thou shalt be eliminated if thou does not comply with Society bylaws.

Thou shalt enter classrooms of Society members for impromptu dance parties when students are not present.

I joined a secret society.  It makes me smile every day.  Work is a pleasure with these ladies.  And, don't be put off by the cursing addendum.  Nor the sex.  It's just the being able to laugh about kids passing gas or saying the oddest things.  It's seeing the humor when someone says something funny.  And not being shy about laughing.  

I didn't write the bylaws...but I said that we needed it. 

Others joined.  We dance.  Seriously....crazily...silly fashion.

And we laugh.

And we aren't snarky.

And we compliment.  And say hello.  And chat.

Ah.

Relief.

Life was getting too serious.

Now, to share the wealth.

Truly.

blessings.

hope and a prayer

drove with son again.  last time was chaotic and sad.  we both cried.  it was important to get him back behind the wheel confidently.  so, i prayed.  with him.  in the car.  for peace and safety.  for a calm and encouraging spirit.  for his sense of confidence.  and god answered.  i love that.
and then we all ate the yummy crock pot roast.  we sat around the table and discussed this book that we are reading about how people are wired and how to find their purpose.  it was good.
daughter is on to shower.  son has paid his deposit for college.  we are watching tarzan...the disney cartoon.  we are quite happy.  quite.  content.
warm chocolate pudding in a bowl.  thinking of having popcorn.
life is so easy now.  actual living.  true living.
we are at home when we are in our house.  finally. two years since we have been on our own.  in all of my life since i got married those many years ago, it has taken that long to finally be home.  to finally exhale.  and be still.  at home.  calm.  just doing what there is to do.
the relief of this living.  of making mistakes and trying again.  of praying for comfort.  of receiving.  of knowing that all is well.
with hope and a prayer many things come to be.
most things.
thank you god.

create. joy.

joy is a promise.  but it's something that i have to create.  have to choose.  have to see.  have to sense.  have to give.  have to acknowledge.  joy.
it lives.  breathes.  it enlivens.
but it has to be created.
or maybe it's the environment that has to be created in order to accept the gift.
all i know is that it's satisfying.
like a journey looking for treasure.
for gold.
you might only find dust.
or flakes.
or nuggets.
or you might find a huge vein.
but from the smallest amount
to the mother lode,
it brings exhilaration.
satisfaction.
and it keeps you hunting for more.
i am a joy creator.
for me.
for mine.
for others.
my purpose.
bring it.
give it.
revel in it.
and eventually, i want those things to be true ALL of the time.
but for now, i do it as much as i can.
learning.
creating.
choosing.
making it a habit.
come along with me.
it's worth it.
blessings.

o.m.g. seriously.

some people are joy suckers.  if there is any joy to be found, they have to "temper" it with bad news or some kind of harsh reality....be it real or not.
i am finding a struggle  at work.  i think that i am past the point in my life of wanting to keep everyone lifted up when they want to be downers.  i love encouraging.  i love being happy.  i am sad that so many seem to crush that spirit in my daily life.
i am worn out today.  it was an emotional upheaval to deal with work mates that refuse to let go and actually allow children to enjoy a celebration.  it's killing me.
so, i look at job possibilities.
i am dedicated.
committed.
but i will not sentence myself to a negative environment.
did that in marriage.
no more.
have to choose.
blessings.

there comes a time

tonight i realized that the happier i am, the happier i am.  deep, huh?  seriously, the happier i choose to be, then the happier i am about things, in situations...just happy.  i love the feel of it.  like comfy clothes.  it doesn't chafe or wear.  it's not trying hard.  it's simply choosing.  be happy.  now.  in this moment.  even if....i'm hurting.  or weary.  or overwhelmed.  or feeling stupid.
be.  happy.
what would i do if i WAS happy?
do that.
and strangely.  slowly.  happy becomes a lifestyle.
stand up a little taller.
choose to have a spring in my step.
sing silly songs.
loudly.
speak blessings.
be completely silly.
laugh.
joke.
hug.
choose a life of happy.
moments.
that make a life.
there comes a time when it's simply up to me.
how do i choose to live?
nobody to blame.
nobody to make the decision for me.
what i do.
how i act.
what i become.
how i get there.
how i treat others.
it's completely up to me.
my past doesn't define it.
other's opinions don't either.
and i choose happy.
because it's amazing.
and if i create it within me.
then.
well, then
i have this vision
that maybe i can share it around
little notes
encouragement
moments of laughter.
silly with others
saying the good
and maybe it will spark their happy too.
maybe.
because there comes a time when i have to own teh fact that
i have purposes in this world
and i know that one of them is to lift others up.
so i gotta choose for me first
have to give myself the benefit first.
then, WATCH OUT WORLD.
because
i think
the time
has
come.
blessings.

flat on my back

sometimes my best days, my best accomplishments occur when i'm flat on my back.  tired.  exhausted. sick.  yep.  woke up at 330 this morning with a tummy full of trouble, a head busting and a body shaking.  i've been in bed most of the day.  sleeping.  dozing.  wishing for some soup.  too sick to want to stand up and make it.  i ate some ice cream for my throat.  haven't taken any tylenol. just mostly waiting it out.  reading.  sleeping.  watching.  coughing.  hurting.  and yet.  i've learned something along the way that has changed me.  growth comes on good days, but more growth comes on hard days. and letting myself embrace how it is and resting without fretting is a great option.
yesterday was a fabulous day. a much needed heart filling day. but today is hard.  and it kicks me sometimes when i realize how alone i am when i'm sick.
but....i have time to rest.  and that's good enough.  i'll just enjoy the growing.  the peace.  i'll just rest.  again. :)
blessings.