church

here i sit. trembling.  do i dare go?  can i be brave enough.  can i walk through the doors.  can i take my place?  can i worship with the thoughts and words of others rolling through my mind and heart?  i want to go with my daughter.  be with my friends.  i want to be there.  i want to.  but i am not feeling fearless.  i am feeling overwhelmed and as if the world is too harsh sometimes.  i am content and happy in life.  but i find church people...people who were once my friends...intimidating.  they ask questions that they don't have the right to ask.  they probe for dirt.  they walk or look the other way.  i am struggling with going.  stressed about it.  but my ex is gone out of town today.  but is that the reason to go to church?  does that make it all about jesus?  are my motives pure?  is my heart clean?  will my being there cause someone to stumble?  will it cause me to stumble?
my life is full of a lot of joy.  i have made some good choices.  and i've blown some things.  but life is hopeful and full of good.  how is it that i have to struggle to go to a place that i went to for almost twenty years?  how is it that i am not allowed to be my own mixed up mess without feeling like i'm less than everyone else there?
i have turkey cooking.  one son at home.  other kids gone.  i need to change if i'm going.  i'll take a few minutes of quiet time and pray.  and then i'll go or not go....confidently.
blessings.

Worn. But Hopeful

My body does not keep up with my spirit.  My soul reaches upward, but my health tethers me to this body.  I ache.  I can't always do what is in my heart and mind.  It has stressed me for 16 years.  SIXTEEN YEARS.  I desire to live with grace.  I want to live with grace.  Not whining.  It's tough.  It's not impossible.

my ex

my ex never fails to shock me.  some of the "kids"....young adults....went on a hiking trip with him this weekend. my oldest son took his girlfriend of five years.  she is the only female in the group.  they will be camping remotely. not in an established suburban kind of campground.  i assumed that she would share a tent with my son and their friend.  it's not about sex.  it's not about anything like that.  it's safety.  it's knowing her.  she gets cold.  she gets nervous.  but, apparently a one person tent was brought just for her.  i told her to say no.  to tell my son to stay with her or to let one of the men have the single tent and she can bunk with the boys that are like brothers along with my son.
it frustrates me.
yes, i know they are going with church people.  yes, i know that it's a guy and a girl.  but, the thing is that she deserves to feel safe.  she deserves to be protected.  my son should have had a say.

sigh.

have to let it go.  i did what i could do.  but, it reminds me of how my ex didn't consider my feelings or bother to know me so that he would know that something like that would be worrisome.

glad i get to live differently now.

checking in

i'm the kind of relationship person that likes to "check in".  i never really thought about it before.  it's a reach out and touch. or text. or call.  i do it as naturally as breathing.  but i have learned to not do it.  i have learned that people think that i'm strange.  i think....it's nice.  not having a reason to call.  just simply caring.   i care a lot.  painfully so.  somehow i've always had a sense of wanting to "check on" those that i care about.
i think that it has something to do with the idea of learning so very young how life is fragile.  life is short.  not to take it forgranted.  i lost much very young.  it changed me.  but i don't think that it's a bad thing.  i am happy with it.  though i try to be more considerate of others and not "bothering" them when there's no exact reason.  guess i've never been able to put to words why it's important to me.  that it's simply in how i'm wired.
i check in.  with my kids.  with my dogs.:) with my friends.  with my coworkers.
been thinking today how i was made to feel badly about it...but really, it's a pretty nice thing.  people are important.  shouldn't be a special occasion to let them know that.
blessings.

oh, that's good

i woke up  with the beautiful memory of yesterday.  i remembered that though i have been facing some interesting dilemmas.  though i feel that sense of being an accessory in the lives of others.  though i am facing my children moving along and being alone.  though i have many weaknesses.  though i am not wealthy.  though i don't have a ton of people wanting to connect. though all of these things......i am truly happy.  yes, happy.  i am completely fine.  and while i look at those facts and mull them over, they hold no power over me or my happiness.  it took nearly 50 years, but i finally am happy with who i am.  with how i am.  with letting myself grow at my own pace.  with letting others do what they need to do.  it doesn't mean that it never hurts.  it doesn't mean that i don't ever wish something different.  but, it does mean that i am finally ok with it all.  and i am really happy.  i went through a lot for a lot of years.  i struggled to be content.  i worked hard at it.  i kept choosing it day by day.  but, the fact of the matter is that i was married to someone who seemed bent on making life as hard as he could for me.  on pushing me to be someone else....some different person...but when i would achieve a part of it, his disdain would turn to a different "unacceptable" area of my life.  and i made it my wifely duty to keep peace.  i felt ashamed when i didn't live up to who i needed to be.  i spent a lot of time feeling ashamed.  it doesn't take hearing "why shouldn't i be ashamed of you" too many times from your significant other to shake the foundation.
but, though i am still flawed and imperfect.  though i am still disorganized and somewhat of a dreamer.  though i am still not the popular kid.  though i sense that it's going to be awhile before anyone really looks in my eyes and tries to know me in this season, this moment.  that's ok.  i'm fine.  i'm happy.  i'm living.  i have friends.  i have acquaintances.  i have work.  i have my young adult children.  i have my dogs.  but none of those have to complete me.  god and me.  he makes it good.  and he gave closeness before when i was desperate.  he will give what i need now.  he has given peace.  calm.  happy.  he has given me the freedom to mourn or cry when i need to....and still feel peace.
i love life.  love living.  i am deeply thankful every single day.  life is a blessing.  being able to breathe is a genuine gift.  it's good.  very good.
happy.  wow.  oh, that feels goooood.
blessings.

talking to myself

text. call.  email.  hang out.  private message.  and somehow i end up talking to myself.  ha.  we live in a weird era.  i am a phone person.  but even i put it down when i'm out with others.  or turn it off.  but that's not the norm.  i haven't had a conversation with anyone where it was us and not the rest of the world in a long time.  on vacation i was strict with others at mealtimes. but, i am finding in life that i'm struggling.  i take time to talk.  to share. to listen.  everything remains shallow.  empty.  basic.  because every few moments a phone call or text comes in.  i feel odd saying that i'd like undivided attention for a time.  so, i just note it and move on.  but for all of this connectedness......i rarely hear back on texts or calls or messages.  the same people.  you know...the ones that take all of the calls while we are together.  so.  hmm.  it would be one thing if it was one relationship.  but, it's not.  and i find it sad.  i miss my friends.  i miss looking into their faces.  i miss laughing and sharing without the interruptions. i miss getting together with people in person.  i miss the closeness.  it makes me feel like i'm just talking to myself.
so i've been striving to do different things in life.   remembering to look up at people when i'm out.  remembering to smile and engage others.  remembering.  we are created for community.  i can't change anyone else, but i can be sure that i am loving and available.  i choose it.
blessings.

vacation. home again

My trip was nothing like I planned.

don't get me wrong.  it was beautiful.  and fun.  and full of lots of good things to do.  it was adequately lovely to be at the beach.  it was a delight to see my younger children becoming young adults.

but, i had invited some girlfriends.  and their lovely young adults.  i have only ever traveled with one of them.  but i invited several people, and two ladies could come. 

so, off we went.  unfortunately, i packed along my expectations.  oops. i thought that there would be girls time.  chat time.  laugh time.  i thought maybe we'd do facials.  or toes. or....something.  i imagined lying on the sand together and chatting between our naps. going to bed at night and getting the giggles.  having fun with my friends while my kids had fun with theirs, too.  and of course, having  everybody time as well.

 however, yes...you knew it was coming.  i spent most of my time in silence.  with others reading.  computer gaming.  sleeping.  going to do their own things.  i sat on the beach.  i watched kids play on the beach.  i was silent.  the waves roared.  i slept.  i woke up.  i cooked.  i went to bed.  it was not what i expected.

and i cried.  literally.  one person needed things a certain way.  and house cleaning was a priority.  and her expectation was to hurry along in the traveling when i am by nature a lingerer. and, she wanted to sight see while i wanted to chill. my other friend needed alone time.  she needed quiet.  she needed not to talk or be disturbed.  

and i worked hard not to take any of it personally.  but, when my one friend turned out the light on me again when i was sleeping on the floor and the other friend had fallen asleep, i realized that i was pretty much invisible. and it hurt.  a lot.  

but i had time to pray.  and reflect.  and learn.

and i realized that i could learn to be and do who i am.  i encourage.  give words of encouragement.  i go out of my way to see those i care about smile.  to help them find their smiles again.  i care.  i see.  and though i am unnoticed.  viewed as an intrusion.  not really the person that people feel a need to reach out to, i do have a purpose that is given by god.

 and i'm going to live that purpose.  even when it hurts.  even though people think i'm weird and in the way.  though they don't feel a need of me.  i will love whom i do.  what they do back is not my concern.  i will take care of my needs.  i will be gentle to myself.  i won't badmouth myself when i'm not sought out or when i do my best to inquire and i am shut out.

i will continue to reach out and continue to be who i am.  i will love to the best of my ability.  and if it isn't enough, then i guess that they will walk away but the lesson learned was that i have purpose.  and that even when things are painful, i will grow.  i am determined.  i am kind.  i need words.  i need connection.  and it's not wrong.  it's just who i am.  so,vacation was a beautiful blessing.  with those that i love.  and it gave me a glimpse of who i can be.

blessings.

maybe it's true

i have been on vacation.  haven't written much.  did a little bit of journaling.  lots of reflection and praying.  i have much to learn. i find myself in an odd place.  a strange position.  i realize that i am truly sought out by nobody.  none.  not at all.  unless someone needs something from me, there is no, "hey, come over here, i want to be with you."  nobody around that just wants to be with me.  i guess that is what i gave up in those many years of marriage.  no more to be just someone that is enough for who she is.
i am the one that has to make conversation.  that has to come up with topics.  that has to initiate.  and sadly, it goes against my very personality.  i work hard at relationships.  i work to be available to help.  i want to hear about someone's day.  i want to spend time hanging out with them when we are traveling together.  but there is nobody who feels that way about me.  i've changed in the last couple of years.  i just let go.  i let them go do their things.  i let them enjoy what it is that they need or want.  i still am there.  but, it comes with the realization that the cost is living with tremendous heartbreak.  crushing sadness.  some tears.
however, somehow, i have found peace.  i have found a sense of being ok with being alone in the years to come.  and maybe even with being lonely.  i can love and reach out.  i can still be there.  but any expectations or hopes that i have of being the one that is smiled at in the crowd or sought out when there's something going on.  doesn't really happen.  to most, i am indeed invisible.  however.  and this is a huge however.  i am no longer invisible to me.  i see me.  i see what i need.  i nurture my heart.  i cry when i need to.  i sing.  i laugh.  i pray.  i choose.  i know who i am.  i know who i want to be.  and a strange peace comes.  a joy.  even in the midst of the wishing.  wishing.  that someone would plop down beside me.  would actually take time to talk to me.  would spend enough time for me to relax.  because i'm slow to do so.  the hit and run kind of things aren't nurturing for me.  i need time.  i need someone to actually be interested.  i need friends that want to take the time to walk with me.  or sit with me.  or let me do so with them.  i need friends that let me know that i'm important.  i spent too long in my marriage coming in behind every other thing that he wanted to do.  work.  work around house.  choir.  sports.  grooming.  cleaning.  going out with the guys.  it was always something.  and when we were "talking", i was supposed to follow him around.  never time to give me a few minutes.  well, unless he was going to get something.  so.  i am not willing to do that anymore.  and it means that since i'm not willing to follow around like a puppy dog, i end up alone.  i wrote "lonely" in the beach sand today.  and i smiled.  lonely won't kill me.  lonely is better than fake.  i'll be ok.  nobody will fix it.  because you can't tell someone to choose you.  to pick you.  doesn't even work for the teams in elementary school.  the "pick me pick me pick me" scenario is sad.
so.  here i am.  in my 50th year.  with friends.  but they don't choose me.  with kids who are moving along to how and where they need to be.
i am strange.  but.  i. am. me.
so, i'll just realize that maybe it's true. maybe i'm not worth it to them.  but my father thinks i'm ok.  he loves me.  whispers to me.  and the thing is.  i like me.  as unsure and pigletish as i am.  i am committed.  i am willing.  i give exuberantly.  and if t's not seen or thought of as weird....i'll just keep moving.  as i said...in my 50th year....no time to waste.
blessings.

nit picking

sometimes i forget how easily happy my kids are.  i am.  we are easy to make content.  it's overwhelming to me when people have ideas of how to make things better or why things aren't good enough.  it is wearying.
and it reminds me to be content.  to allow things to happen.
to be kind.
i feel kinda awful today.  yesterday i did something really hard.  i spoke up about something that was desperately on my heart.  i knew that i had to.  as i prayed for the whole day, god just kept allowing me to feel discomfort with a situation.  so, i spoke up.  but, once i said my peace, i realized that that was all i needed to do.  i didn't need anyone to fix what was troubling me.  i didn't need to control the situation.  i just needed to speak up.  that was the part that mad me grow.  made me risk.  and it was hard.  doing that during marriage always ended up in hours of discussion.  of ridicule or argument.  it's hard for me to say things that i feel deeply.  but i did it anyway.  and now i'm at ease.
but truly, today is a strange day.  i am stunned at the expectations.  stunned at the need of planning.  stunned with how people need to be entertained.  on i go to my day.
blessings.

pain management

for 15 years i've had severe pain.  nearly every day.  i live with it daily.  i work. i laugh.  i enjoy.  i used to take medications.  search for answers from the medical profession.  but finally, i came to sense that it is how life is.  no matter the reason.  and i began to try to take responsibility for managing my pain.  for living fully and without excuse.  i didn't want every thing that i didn't do to be based on the fact that i had a disease...or pain...or whatever.  this is my body.  this is my life.
but.
when i was married, i wasn't given time nor respect to do what i needed to do.  i was pushed harder and harder.  and just tonight, as i was working through exercises that i do to function.  not for a trim body, just the yoga like moves on the floor to make it so that my excruciating headaches don't dominate me.  and i realized that i have time to take care of me now.  and...even moreso....instead of feeling ashamed by it, i feel...strong.  i am doing something brave.  though nobody usually knows.  i am proud of me.  and tonight, i warded off the beast of pain again.  and i pray.  and i move.  and i stretch.  i don't give up.  i live.
i live.
so, i guess that i don't really manage pain so much as i manage life.
blessings.