talking to myself

text. call.  email.  hang out.  private message.  and somehow i end up talking to myself.  ha.  we live in a weird era.  i am a phone person.  but even i put it down when i'm out with others.  or turn it off.  but that's not the norm.  i haven't had a conversation with anyone where it was us and not the rest of the world in a long time.  on vacation i was strict with others at mealtimes. but, i am finding in life that i'm struggling.  i take time to talk.  to share. to listen.  everything remains shallow.  empty.  basic.  because every few moments a phone call or text comes in.  i feel odd saying that i'd like undivided attention for a time.  so, i just note it and move on.  but for all of this connectedness......i rarely hear back on texts or calls or messages.  the same people.  you know...the ones that take all of the calls while we are together.  so.  hmm.  it would be one thing if it was one relationship.  but, it's not.  and i find it sad.  i miss my friends.  i miss looking into their faces.  i miss laughing and sharing without the interruptions. i miss getting together with people in person.  i miss the closeness.  it makes me feel like i'm just talking to myself.
so i've been striving to do different things in life.   remembering to look up at people when i'm out.  remembering to smile and engage others.  remembering.  we are created for community.  i can't change anyone else, but i can be sure that i am loving and available.  i choose it.
blessings.