without regret

living without regret.  i talked to a young man this summer and that's his goal.  i have mulled it over and i think that i agree.  to a point.  i don't want to regret time lost.  i don't want to regret never bothering to do the things that truly call to me.  i don't want to regret having held in the important words until it's too late.  i want to live and give.  i want to use my talents and my passions.  but, i don't want to be driven to be "busy".  part of who i am is someone who needs time to...sit.  and think.  or reflect.  or watch the birds in the bird bath.  i get a lot of fabulous things done in my little world, but they aren't awe inspiring to most.  they are simple.  but they are important to me.
writing the letters this week is a sweet time.  to be able to pray over who to write and what to say and then stick a stamp on it and let it go to do what god has for it....it's satisfying.  it makes me jazzed.  yesterday, after god had laid on my heart who to write to and i already had it in the mail, i heard from her about some needs.  and tomorrow she'll get the letter that i had already put in the mailbox!  i love that.
and i go out of my way to tell people good things.  encouraging things.  if anything ever happened to me, i'd want them to know that i thought great things about them.
and i laugh.  a lot.  and mostly at myself.  life is funny.  i do funny stuff.  silly stuff.  and who cares?  i spent too many years having to make things be right.
and i travel.  not far away to other countries...yet!  but, i do it.  i count the cost and i do it anyway.  especially the beach.  it feeds my soul.  don't even know why, but it does. deeply.  completely.  it satisfies something in the core of me.
and i teach.  though it's becoming too political for me in many ways.  i do it anyway.  to tell a few more kids that they are valuable.  that they are loved.  that they are able.  that they can learn.  that they have something to offer.  because, if i don't, they might never hear it.
and i go to bed without washing the pans.  and i never regret it.  i'm happy to have time to rest when i need it.  they will be there in the morning.  i'm learning to accept that i'm not neat.  i'm messy.  not dirty, just messy.  and i'm ok with that.
and i talk to my dogs.  that's because i know that one day they will be gone and i'm going to miss them very much.  i'm enjoying them thoroughly because i'm not sure that i want any more.
and i grieve when grieving is appropriate.  i don't have to let something go until i'm ready. or someone. i am allowed to cry and fuss and curl up in a blanket.  i am allowed to hurt.  i am allowed.  and i do it so that i don't regret having taken the time for it when the future comes.  i do it so that i can heal instead of stuffing the emotions.  but others don't deal with grief very well. so, i do it carefully so as not to overwhelm them.
live without regret.  not stupidly.  not fearfully.  just purposefully.  my purpose.
it's fun.