ten shovels of dirt

i have been moving ten shovels of dirt a day.  it doesn't seem like much and i only have to carry it twenty feet, but it's a lot of work.  i made a commitment to ten.  and what do you know?  i do more.  because i give myself permission not to have to move the whole pile.  moving dirt also means having to move compost accordingly.  the garden is thriving and so am i.

making goals that work for me has been my focus.  not trying to please the whole universe of people.  not even trying to please anyone.  just trying to work towards my life goals.  trying to right what was wrong.  trying to get on a track that is healthy and full of grace.  this means facing a lot of painful things.  it also means that i have sifted through emotions, relationships, rights, wrongs, good and bad.  i have done hard work. and it has taken two and a half years to be where i am today...which feels like just beginning.  it's like that pile of dirt.  i have to move it.  it's necessary to get things where and how they need to be, but i have to take time to do the work and be kind to myself on the journey.

today i went to my old church.  the church that my ex still attends and where my kids go.  it was not an easy decision.  my ex wasn't going to be there.  my daughter was going alone.  she has a friend, but i felt like i should be with her...her family.  so, i got dressed.  i prayed.  i went with a set goal and attitude.  i didn't have to make anyone comfortable and i didn't have to make excuses.  i didn't have to explain my divorce.  i could just go as a fellow worshiper and a person who is genuinely and kindly interested in others.  my daughter was already there, having gone to sunday school.  when i arrived, she was sitting on the stage at the front of the auditorium looking towards the entrance.  she beamed as i walked towards her...and jumped off of the stage and came to hug me.  it was lovely.  almost cried right there.  i got to encourage a few people.  i got to sit by my daughter and rub her back during the sermon and sing with her during the worship.  i got to remember that i have a tender heart and that those who think otherwise because of what my ex has told them just don't know me.
i went without any promises from anyone to look after me.  or be with me.  or talk to me when i was alone.  and i went and didn't bolt afterwards.  i'm still awkward. but because i don't hate me anymore, because i don't live with someone who lets me know that i'm worth being ashamed of, because i live a peaceful life, it was ok.  it was emotional.  a reminder of what i've lost.  but it was worth it.  it was a growing time.
making a plan to move ten shovels of dirt lets me feel good when i move 11 or 20.  making a plan to go to church and simply be me allows me to feel good about my accomplishment even when it's a little deal to others.  when i go, i realize how much my ex used christianity against me.  how sad.  what he said was true....but it all lacked grace and compassion.  so, i am remembering

Zephaniah 3:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

And it heals me.  like ten shovels of dirt.  progress is healing.