oh, that's good

i woke up  with the beautiful memory of yesterday.  i remembered that though i have been facing some interesting dilemmas.  though i feel that sense of being an accessory in the lives of others.  though i am facing my children moving along and being alone.  though i have many weaknesses.  though i am not wealthy.  though i don't have a ton of people wanting to connect. though all of these things......i am truly happy.  yes, happy.  i am completely fine.  and while i look at those facts and mull them over, they hold no power over me or my happiness.  it took nearly 50 years, but i finally am happy with who i am.  with how i am.  with letting myself grow at my own pace.  with letting others do what they need to do.  it doesn't mean that it never hurts.  it doesn't mean that i don't ever wish something different.  but, it does mean that i am finally ok with it all.  and i am really happy.  i went through a lot for a lot of years.  i struggled to be content.  i worked hard at it.  i kept choosing it day by day.  but, the fact of the matter is that i was married to someone who seemed bent on making life as hard as he could for me.  on pushing me to be someone else....some different person...but when i would achieve a part of it, his disdain would turn to a different "unacceptable" area of my life.  and i made it my wifely duty to keep peace.  i felt ashamed when i didn't live up to who i needed to be.  i spent a lot of time feeling ashamed.  it doesn't take hearing "why shouldn't i be ashamed of you" too many times from your significant other to shake the foundation.
but, though i am still flawed and imperfect.  though i am still disorganized and somewhat of a dreamer.  though i am still not the popular kid.  though i sense that it's going to be awhile before anyone really looks in my eyes and tries to know me in this season, this moment.  that's ok.  i'm fine.  i'm happy.  i'm living.  i have friends.  i have acquaintances.  i have work.  i have my young adult children.  i have my dogs.  but none of those have to complete me.  god and me.  he makes it good.  and he gave closeness before when i was desperate.  he will give what i need now.  he has given peace.  calm.  happy.  he has given me the freedom to mourn or cry when i need to....and still feel peace.
i love life.  love living.  i am deeply thankful every single day.  life is a blessing.  being able to breathe is a genuine gift.  it's good.  very good.
happy.  wow.  oh, that feels goooood.
blessings.