church

here i sit. trembling.  do i dare go?  can i be brave enough.  can i walk through the doors.  can i take my place?  can i worship with the thoughts and words of others rolling through my mind and heart?  i want to go with my daughter.  be with my friends.  i want to be there.  i want to.  but i am not feeling fearless.  i am feeling overwhelmed and as if the world is too harsh sometimes.  i am content and happy in life.  but i find church people...people who were once my friends...intimidating.  they ask questions that they don't have the right to ask.  they probe for dirt.  they walk or look the other way.  i am struggling with going.  stressed about it.  but my ex is gone out of town today.  but is that the reason to go to church?  does that make it all about jesus?  are my motives pure?  is my heart clean?  will my being there cause someone to stumble?  will it cause me to stumble?
my life is full of a lot of joy.  i have made some good choices.  and i've blown some things.  but life is hopeful and full of good.  how is it that i have to struggle to go to a place that i went to for almost twenty years?  how is it that i am not allowed to be my own mixed up mess without feeling like i'm less than everyone else there?
i have turkey cooking.  one son at home.  other kids gone.  i need to change if i'm going.  i'll take a few minutes of quiet time and pray.  and then i'll go or not go....confidently.
blessings.