vacation. home again

My trip was nothing like I planned.

don't get me wrong.  it was beautiful.  and fun.  and full of lots of good things to do.  it was adequately lovely to be at the beach.  it was a delight to see my younger children becoming young adults.

but, i had invited some girlfriends.  and their lovely young adults.  i have only ever traveled with one of them.  but i invited several people, and two ladies could come. 

so, off we went.  unfortunately, i packed along my expectations.  oops. i thought that there would be girls time.  chat time.  laugh time.  i thought maybe we'd do facials.  or toes. or....something.  i imagined lying on the sand together and chatting between our naps. going to bed at night and getting the giggles.  having fun with my friends while my kids had fun with theirs, too.  and of course, having  everybody time as well.

 however, yes...you knew it was coming.  i spent most of my time in silence.  with others reading.  computer gaming.  sleeping.  going to do their own things.  i sat on the beach.  i watched kids play on the beach.  i was silent.  the waves roared.  i slept.  i woke up.  i cooked.  i went to bed.  it was not what i expected.

and i cried.  literally.  one person needed things a certain way.  and house cleaning was a priority.  and her expectation was to hurry along in the traveling when i am by nature a lingerer. and, she wanted to sight see while i wanted to chill. my other friend needed alone time.  she needed quiet.  she needed not to talk or be disturbed.  

and i worked hard not to take any of it personally.  but, when my one friend turned out the light on me again when i was sleeping on the floor and the other friend had fallen asleep, i realized that i was pretty much invisible. and it hurt.  a lot.  

but i had time to pray.  and reflect.  and learn.

and i realized that i could learn to be and do who i am.  i encourage.  give words of encouragement.  i go out of my way to see those i care about smile.  to help them find their smiles again.  i care.  i see.  and though i am unnoticed.  viewed as an intrusion.  not really the person that people feel a need to reach out to, i do have a purpose that is given by god.

 and i'm going to live that purpose.  even when it hurts.  even though people think i'm weird and in the way.  though they don't feel a need of me.  i will love whom i do.  what they do back is not my concern.  i will take care of my needs.  i will be gentle to myself.  i won't badmouth myself when i'm not sought out or when i do my best to inquire and i am shut out.

i will continue to reach out and continue to be who i am.  i will love to the best of my ability.  and if it isn't enough, then i guess that they will walk away but the lesson learned was that i have purpose.  and that even when things are painful, i will grow.  i am determined.  i am kind.  i need words.  i need connection.  and it's not wrong.  it's just who i am.  so,vacation was a beautiful blessing.  with those that i love.  and it gave me a glimpse of who i can be.

blessings.