Joy Extractor

I am a joy extractor.  No, NOT a joy sucker.  I extract joy from seemingly joyless times.  I find it in simple things.  I am truly not hard to please.  Nor do I settle for garbage.  Or less than a good effort....when speaking of my children. ;)  But, all of my life I have had a way of finding joy and laughter and good in hard times.
I am a joy extractor.  I knew I had a career calling.
grace to you.

Almost A New Year

Just nine hours away.  2012.  Here it comes, ready or not.  I think that I'm ready.  Though I am smart enough to see the difficulty of the trail, I am also strong enough to walk it.  I am going to celebrate tonight with friends and family the successful ending of a year.  I am going to celebrate wellness and emotional health that is growing with each passing week.  Though I guess that much of my life is pretense.  But, maybe it's not if I know what is real.  If I simply choose a life that moves forward and doesn't pull others down.  I like peace.  Calm.
I know that the new year will bring some necessary changes.
I know that I get to decide.  But, then again, so does he.
I guess I dread that in that I know how miserable he can make me.  And I know that I have to be strong enough to do it without family to hold me up.  Without the TLC that comes from being known for who you are...or were....and held even if you aren't in the right, but just because you belong.
I want to be real.  And I want to be kind.  Both.  Not one or the other.  I seem to be rather failing on both fronts.  Such is my current reality.
I have spoken more words than I think that I've ever spoken before.  And....I actually feel heard.  It helps.  But, evenso, I know that I need to be careful.  That I need to be aware of what I am saying and doing.
He is not all bad.  He is not all evil.  He is not totally responsible. He says he loves me.  But it's in a needy way.  In a way where I am responsible for him.  Where I have to make things right for him.
I can't.  Or am unwilling.  But, really, I am not able.  Not when I'm being me.  What he loves about me is that I have always been willing to sacrifice.  To make him feel good.  To speak highly.  I can understand his sense of loss.  But he is not willing to see what losses I have incurred.  He maintains that all has been well.
It hurts me so much to be unheard.  Unseen.  Unknown.  I gave up at some point.  What's the point of beating myself bloody on a locked door?
But this new year holds endless possibility.  I intend to run into it gleefully.  I do not carry these burdens alone.  I am not alone.  I am seen.  I am loved.  I matter.
grace to you.

The Platters - The Great Pretender - Lyrics

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means (Official Music Video)

Working Through

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Fell asleep on the couch during a movie at a friends last night.  Slept.  That was good.  Tonight going to a movie with all.  Have to face the night again. The daily harshness.  The blame.  I guess the fact is that I am to blame.  Because I'm making choices.
I am so done.  With his blame.  His fakeness.  His unkindness.  Jealousy disguised as love....this one has always harmed me.  I'm just so done.  But I don't want to give up.  I am not rash.  I do believe in commitment.  But, I can't go on living like this.  Nearly passed out today.  Stress.
He was mad at me again.  Didn't invite him to go to son's house to pick up tv.  Left.  Said good bye.  Called furious.  I am stressed.  I'm supposed to somehow not be fake.  Keep the peace.  Make him happy.  And be sure I mean it.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Be back sometime.
grace to you.

God's Gift

http://www.divorcehelpforchristianwomen.com/Bible-verses.html

This site has great verses for women.  Divorced or not.  Frankly, I was looking up "verses about God's love for me" and it came up as the top choice.  God must've needed me to see that today.  One of the verses that I used to cling to was up first on this blog's list.  It was a balm to my soul.  Like God's word of comfort to me.

grace to you.

Verses of Merit

Psalm 143:7-8 (NIV) Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. [8] Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Sometimes....often....God throws the right verses right at me.  To look at again.  To rest on.  Here I am.  Waiting for the way to go.  I feel guilty still for the way I want to go.
He made me agree that things could change...of course, I KNOW that anything can change.  Hitler could have had an epiphane and become a humanitarian.  Anything is POSSIBLE.  But not necessarily likely.  I want out.  With every cell of my being.  And while it makes me feel guilty....it is the only thought that keeps me sane.  That there is a way out.  Like seeing a bit of light when stuck in a dark cavern and knowing that there is hope of finding the way out.  
Funny how he had no interest until things really quit being in his favor.  But even now, as bad as it is, he doesn't turn from how and what he wants me to be.  I am still supposed to be the one to change.  He has changed his language to add words that sound like we are at the counselors.  He throws them in.  But followed by threatening words, they don't have quite the same meaning.  Telling me that I don't have a choice.  That I have to do things because he is my husband....well, it makes me want to say "you can't force me....but I can make you quit being my husband."
grace to you.

Blessings in the Midst

Went online to look for sub jobs as well as Craigslist for work.  I found four times that I have been requested already in January!!!  That made me happy. A blessing in the midst of it all.  Gotta work.  Guess I will find something good.
Found a clerical job, but I have to go in person and I can't really get away right now...he's home all week.  Adding to my horrific stress.  I want to sleep............pull a blankie over my head and be out for the count.  But I don't feel safe enough to sleep.  So, I am super tired.
Coffee won't do the trick...tummy too upset to drink it.  So, I am sitting her.  Looking around at so much that I want to do...and simply....depressed.  And yet, knowing that I need to give myself time and that I'll be able to make it.  I can do it.  Because as crazy as he makes me feel...I know finally...I am not.  And what he did backfired for him in the BIG picture....because it is strengthening, not weakening my resolve.  It is clarifying the exact reasons that I began this process in the first place.  And while I may be reduced to negotiating temporarily, not forever.  He made a mistake....he attacked a wounded mama.  He covered manipulation and selfishness up with spiritual "truth" in order to make me feel badly...and, it does....but I no longer trust him.  And he can't bring back trust by threatening me.
My friend recently had a doorknob replaced that was really difficult to use.  It would stick and not turn.  You had to fight with it to get it to open.  The doorknob got replaced, but the same people were opening it.....sssooo....it got pulled off.  The people using the door expected it to be difficult to use.  They treated it as they had the previous doorknob...but what used to work didn't anymore.  What used to work for my husband with me doesn't work anymore.  I refuse to simply be the victim.  I might be today.  Yesterday.  I might need to lick my owies and curl up and cry and find a safe place to be.  But he is meeting a new "doorknob."  He failed to adjust his tactics.
grace to you.

Here It Is

It is his "right" to be treated as a husband, to sleep with me, to be with me.  He will not give up.  He will continue this behavior until I do the "right" thing.  (these are his, not mine)  I believe a lie.  He is good to me.  He has done some some stupid things and will again but he is sorry.  I should forgive.  I am harming our children.  He will never ever give up.  (says that often.)  Won't lose me.  I shouldn't feel uncomfortable.  As a matter of fact...there are lots of things that I shouldn't feel or do or believe.
He is determined.  And, because I know how competitive he is, I am terrified.  I got to be alone last night.  I huddled in the recliner.  He had taken away the safety of my usual sleeping places.
He showed up when I was in a fitful sleep...fighting a headache...and laid with me on my pallet..which is the size of a small twin bed.  I awakened and totally freaked out.  Jumped up.  Grabbed my blanket and pillow and headed out.  He got up and followed me.  No matter where I went he said that I could not be alone.  That it is his right.  That he is my husband.  I settled on a small bench.  Limp with fatigue and despair.  He settled on the couch.  Told me that I had to give these things.  That he would not wait.  That I would not treat him poorly.  That I treat him like crap.  (honestly, I probably do, but I didn't always).  That he deserves better.  That he has thought about it and we have had a good marriage.  That he has taken good care of me and provided for me.  I was still sitting on the bench.  Whatever I tried to say about how I felt or how he couldn't "win" me back by bullying me into it....he countered me with how wrong I am.  He told me how I shouldn't think how I do, feel how I do, make decisions based on how I feel.  That he gets to choose what's best for him.....what he doesn't get is that he can't choose for me to make what's best for him.
It went on for long.  I spoke little.  It was impossible.  He frightens me for some reason I can't even begin to explain.  But it has partially to do with always taking what I try to say and making me feel stupid about how I feel or how I think.  Making me feel.....like I'm evil.  He was angry.  I was totally terrified.  And cold.  No socks.  No phone.  No glasses.  Mind was working, trying to figure out how to get away.  But, I couldn't.  I WOULDN'T...because of my kids.  If I left, he would tell them I left.  If I locked myself in a room, it would cause noise and alert them and cause them worry.  So, I sat.  Shaking.  For hours.  After time, he wore himself out and fell asleep on the couch...gently snoring.  I waited.  Tense.  When I was sure he was asleep, I went and got on big socks.  Clothes.  Sweatshirt.  Glasses.  Nabbed my phone and put it in my pocket.  Got my pillow and blanket and sat in the recliner trying to warm up.  I didn't want him to awaken and find me gone and cause a ruckus looking for me.  I knew that I wouldn't sleep because I was absolutely freaked by the thought of being awakened by his showing up again.  So, I sat.  Shaking still.  Unable to get warm.  Is it shock? Why is it that run ins with him rob me of the ability to keep warm?  He awoke just after four and realized that I was in the chair by the pallet.  He tried to move there....it is in a spot that would basically "trap" me.  I moved quickly and said no...and went back to perch on the little bench.  He was angry.  He sat on the couch and talked.  And still, when I would try to say how I felt...he would discount it.  Tell me that I am wrong because he makes mistakes but he doesn't deserve this.  That he would NOT give up his marriage.  On and on.  I could barely breathe.  Literally.  Like a nightmare.  And when I said that I had a right to sleep  with whom I choose, meaning alone or with him....he asked "and who ARE you sleeping with"....um.  duh.  myself.  Alone.  I mean, I'm there every night.  In the living room.  No door.  No privacy.  He KNOWS that. Finally he went to his bed about 5:30.  I cried.  I longed for a family to go to.  A place.  He knows that I don't have that.  No family.  And he also knows that I will never harm my kids.  Ever.
I am more than troubled.  I can barely sleep.  I huddled in that same chair last night...the safe feeling that had taken me so long to cultivate after moving out of our room, destroyed in a matter of hours.  But he says that can't be true because I had 500 nights and that one night couldn't make me feel so badly.  So he "gave" me last night because I was a basket case.  But with the warning that it wouldn't be the norm.  That I would not be allowed to sleep alone.  I am ill.  Literally.  And what do I say to anyone?  How do I explain when my words are so discounted?  When I don't even understand why he terrifies me.  Why he hurts me so much.
So, I get to spend today afraid for tonight.  Then if tonight I manage to "negotiate" a night, I get to spend the night worrying about the next and the next.  And negotiate is the right word.  I am expected to greet him FIRST in the morning.  I am expected to say thank you.  And always you're welcome and not, sure...even if I oten use sure...not in a mean tone of voice.  I am expected to not say thank you if he says "I love you"...apparently I'm supposed to repeat the words back.  It took me a long time to figure out to say thank you.  It's not love.  It's.....ownership.  It's winning.  It's not about me at all.  It's about him.  What he wants.  How he wants things.  And the Bible is on his side, I hear.  And...I fear.  I have not been beaten.  He doesn't call me nasty names.  He wouldn't.  But, he uses words to manipulate.  To cause pain.  To poke.  To belittle.
I am sad.  I am hurt.  I am troubled.  My stomach hurts.  But, he says this morning (after I said good morning first) "want some coffee"?  As if the world is right.  Because after he has his "moment", his scene, his explosion..he will act nicer for a bit.  I've lived with this for a long time.  How could I not have seen?
But you know what?  I am stronger now.  I can and will do what I need to do.  But I won't act stupidly nor rashly.  I will still pray.  Though I may not be in the right, I know that God hears.  Loves me.  Knows me.  Cares for me.  Even if I am not on the right track, I know He will work patiently to get me there.  And not bully me.  I know that He will carry me.
Now, I'm going to look for a real job.
grace to you.

Hopeless

I am reeling.  Exhausted.  Begged to be allowed to sleep alone tonight.  Gave in for tonight but let me know that it won't be the norm.  That he won't allow it.  That he deserves better.  To be treated better.  I have to sit and talk to him.  Hug.  Basically do what meets his needs.  That it is not my right.  That it is not kind.

Funny...because of his middle of the night tirade, he was able to be "nice" today.  It hurts me.  So much.  To be told that I must do what he needs.  What he wants.  That I don't have a right.  

Think I'll sleep in the chair.  Then he can't climb beside me as he did after midnight last night.  Then followed me where I would go.  I am troubled.  Couldn't be left in peace.  

And apparently I'm wrong...we've always had a good marriage. 

Hard day.  Extremely hard.  And all day I could only imagine the night.  I literally begged for this night.  To be able to sleep alone.  And, again apparently, it shouldn't bother me to have him sleeping with me.  But it does, I want to shout it....."it does!!"  And it's true that it shouldn't.  That's what makes me so sad.  The truth of the matter.  He has hurt me so badly.  But my words never get through.  And that wounds me again.  

Ok.  well.  So much for the hopes of last week.
And I did give it a go to talk to someone.  But the words wouldn't come out.  Because I knew that I wouldn't totally fall apart.  I felt so bullied.  So....pushed.  So horrifically trapped in a room.  Now it's like I don't want to sleep without my phone.  My shoes.  Warm clothes.  I was cold all night when he laid on the couch and I sat on a bench.  Why didn't I leave?  Because I will never walk out on my kids.  Ever.

grace to you.

Too Much

There are few hurts that I simply can't or won't write about.  But that's where I am today.  So sad.  So hurtful.
And I am shut down.  Could be the extreme lack of sleep.  Or the feeling incredibly cold.  Could just be that I need to give up today.  For a little while.
My words make no difference when I try to use them.  I make no difference.  Oh, except for causing pain.  I need a place to take a nap.  Maybe it would help.  But don't have one.  So....onward.
grace to you.

here. not invisible.

I know that it's true.  But it's not how I feel today.  My husband has a way of making me feel completely invisible.  Here I am...hiding on my laptop.  Lying upon the couch.  Worn out.  Long day.  And I see the lovely piece of art that a friend made for me.  It says "here"   and in small print, "not invisible".  Tears sprang to my eyes as I realized how I feel like an apparition in his eyes.  Someone without form.  Who he wants because he can't lose, but whom he doesn't care to think much about.
And I wonder how long the dance will continue.  There's a part of me that wants to make it last until our last is leaving home.  Mostly because I don't want to pain my children with the back and forth.  Keeping it simple.  Yet, sometimes I wonder why I do it.  And I know that it hurts me.  More than I ever probably let on.  I am a tender spirit.  A strong woman with a very tender heart.
He is not an ogre.  This I am aware.  He would be so much better off with someone who he actually respects.  Actually understands.  Actually wants to know.  He is so....seen.  So popular.  So outgoing.  I am none of those things.  I am quite content here with my writing.  With spending time with my kids.  With my friends.  My real friends.  And as I sat in church today I realized that I can handle it if people don't understand.  That I won't try to make them.  Oh, to be sure, it will hurt.  But it will not define me.  It will not kill me.  It will simply hurt.  He is likable to them.  And I have to get used to that idea.  Though it can cut sometimes.
Life is not easy...but, it definitely is worth it.  I feel invisible today.  However, I am happier than last year.  I am stronger.  And I know that I can make it.  I still have fears.  I still feel frozen sometimes.  But I know how to work through until I can function again.  I am getting stronger.  I am getting happier.  And though I am invisible to him.  Though others may not "get" it.  I am seen by people who truly love me.  Brings tears to my eyes even now.  What a gift.  And I'm so much more able to receive that again.  To allow them into my heart. Though, I will always have my personality.  I'm not highly outgoing.  I am easily hurt.  And, in general, easy forgiving.  I have courage.  I am able to grow.  To change.  And I am allowed to be myself.  Without fear.  Well, I'm not always...but, I am a grown up and I can allow myself.
This has been a good year.  A growing year...Christmas to Christmas.  Last year, I was just learning how to put the blog together.  I used it to barf out all of my pain.  And, just like the physical action, this emotional action allowed me to feel better....at least better enough to begin to choose change.
I have learned to like who I am again.  To allow others to reach in.  To reach out when I need to.  Sometimes I coil back in...when the stress gets particularly high.  But, overall, I call it what it is and move on.
My kids are wonderful.  Kind and giving.  They made a good day for me.  I am thankful.
Blessings of the Christ Child be on you.
grace to you.

Christmas Eve

Here it is.  An hour and ten minutes til going out to dinner...hey, i'm nearly done dying my hair.  Just finishing the highlights.  Ha.  And, husband had said he was singing at church.  So, we planned on going to dinner at 8 but then he realized that all of us weren't going...and he acted pathetic.  That's ok.  It was helpful to my heart to have this couple of hours.
This holiday season is filled.  With both lovely things and lots of pain.  There's a kid in my life who has forgotten how wonderful he is...not to mention how wonderful the rest of us are.  I get scared for him.  But, I don't doubt that God has a plan.  Whether I ever see how it exactly comes about or whether it's much further down the road.  I believe.  I trust.  I see God's fingerprints all over that kid.  I know.  Most people wouldn't see it through the smoky marijuana haze and the dazed look.  The droopy, red eyes.  But, I see him.  I don't call it what it isn't.  It's NOT ok.  But, he is beloved.  Treasured.  Cared for.  Thought of.  Held dear.  And he doesn't have to like it or accept it.  It's just a fact.  But, he's in a mean phase and I do NOT excuse the behavior.  I do NOT back down and simply "keep the peace."  I care way too much for that.  But, love him I do.  And I'm only one of MANY.  There is not a prayer warrior...there's a prayer army on his behalf.
And, the stuff with my husband does weigh on me.  Hurts me.  Because he never really hears me.  Ever.  And he uses so much guilt.  Thing is....I don't have to grip onto it.  It's just hard because we live in the same house.
But, he invited all to dinner tonight.  That was nice.  Chinese food tradition.
Well.  Gotta get the bleach out.  Praying for you.
grace to you.

Happy.

Can't tell you how many times I've heard that "happy" isn't the point.  That it is not what to shoot for in life.  And the thing is that I understand what they mean.  That my happiness does not override what needs to be done.  It does not override who needs to be served.  However, I am coming to a place in my life that I realize that part of being an adult is being able to be happy while doing the things that need to be done.  I don't have to be entertained to be happy.  But, it's ok for me to expect the certain things that make me happy.  Because I am happy when I feel secure.  When I feel loved.  When I feel at peace.  Yes...when I feel....loving isn't enough if the recipient doesn't get the message.  Doesn't matter what is in someone's heart and soul if they never bend from their own wants and desires to make me know that they love me.  That's what I've come to know.  A sense of self is important when being loved and loving...but a sense of selfishness doesn't work.  It's easier for him to tell me that I shouldn't pursue happiness than to find the way to put a smile in my heart.  To meet my need.  To see me.  Instead of giving, he has always made me bend to change what I need to keep him comfortable.  At the same time, expecting me to do what makes him content and happy.
Strangely, this realization brings me a sense of peace.  Answers that I'm not crazy.  That though he can say he loves me, it doesn't make it so.  Understanding doesn't bring an end to the pain and wishing, but it does salve the self loathing.  That I wasn't enough.  That I didn't give enough.
And, for that, this Christmas Eve Morn......I am HAPPY.
Because I know that I am not hard to please and not hard to make happy.  So much so, that I will settle for way too little.  That I have bent and changed to make him happy.  My mistake.  I didn't mean to do it.  But I am going about rectifying it.
Because happy to me is a sense of peace and contentment in my soul.  The knowing that comes from feeling secure.  And having known it in other places in my life, I'm not sure why I allowed my marriage to get so far from it.
But, tonight is Christmas Eve.  And against all probability....I am happy.
grace to you.

In The Midst

I love the season.  The excitement.  The sense of stillness that the pretty lights bring me.  The beauty.  I like how the lights play off of the darkness....proclaiming that no matter how dark the darkness thinks it is, a light, no matter how small...penetrates it and brings beauty.  I love the excitement of the children.  The near craziness of their little minds and hearts as they wonder...."will I get something great?"  And I love getting to be the one that occasionally really gets it and gets the exact right thing.  It feels so good to see them know that I cared enough to do it well.
It's a fun time of year music wise.  Hearing people singing along in stores.  Oh, wait, I think that was me.  I like to smile at people, offer them "my" parking spot with a gesture and move out a little bit further in the lot.  Because....maybe for some people that tiny little thing will be the highlight of their time.
I like how thankful my kids are.  Easy to please and even easier to excite.  They mostly love the anticipation.  Though they wouldn't say so.
In the midst of all of this fun, I see so much hope.  And beauty.  And giving.  Some people have become callous.  That it's ALL about retail.  It's all about whatever is in our hearts when we are doing whatever it is we are doing...shopping, shipping, baking, cleaning.  It's about the Peace that came to earth, not about there being constant peace.  It's about seeing what we choose to see.....the glory of giving,the joy of bringing pleasure, the happiness of seeing children...and teens...and adults...dancing around excitedly.  It's about getting as wrapped  up as you want to.  And not being afraid to just sit and observe if that's where you are right now.
In the midst of it all, I have found that nothing I want or need is found in the outward stuff at all.  But the ability to enjoy all of the outward stuff comes from what is already cultivated within.  When I seek peace and joy and hope and giving and love and faith and beauty INSIDE, then it's a natural progression to be able to see it on the outside.  To be able to appreciate and take in the GOOD without moaning about all of the negatives.
Sure, there's a monetary gain for businesses.  But, can't that be a good too?  We live in a nation that encourages free enterprise.  Marketing.  Making money.  Changing our economic status with hard work.  So, perhaps instead of groaning about the materialism, I can simply love the fact that I am giving others a chance to be employed.  To make money for their businesses.  It's what makes our economy work.
I guess that in the midst of it all, it's remembering to take the low, bad, negative things and shine a light on them.  A light of excellence.  It's learning to see with eyes that choose to see the good aspects.  It's a dark time of year.  Yet, in many ways the brightest.  Life is like that.  And how horrible the dark times are or aren't depend much on my choice of how to look at them.  Theme of this last year has been, "I get to choose."  It has served me well.  Now, it's almost time to move on to a new year.  Can't wait to see what it's theme will be!
grace to you.

iLife

iDelight
iFrolic
iThink
iWork
iGive
iMatter
iSmart
iAble
iKind
iGrow
iFail
iSucceed
iChange
iLose
iWin
iLoved
iOK
How about u?  What are your favorite "i" products this year?
grace to you

The Things I Don't Like

Today I was thinking about the things I don't like about myself.  Not in a self destructive way...in a constructive way.  Things that I want to change.  Change is always difficult.  But never impossible.  I love that each day is new.  That I get to start over.  And even if every bad thing that happens to me is MY fault.....I can still grow.  So can others.  We might or might not cross paths again with those we hurt.  Those who hurt us.  But, I want to learn.  I want to become someone who masters the art of loving well.  Not being used.  Not being manipulated.  Not manipulating.  Not using.  Trusting.  I know how.  I've had good teachers.  I want to not cower when he comes home.  I hate that.  I'm not even sure what exactly does it.  Just so weary of the battle.  Of the years of not being enough.  Of hearing words that are "kind" but then getting sideswiped.
I want to be strong.  But I don't want to be a quitter.  I want to do whatever it is that helps my kids.  That glorifies God.  That allows me to grow into the person I am meant to be.
I am so many things I wish I wasn't and there are so many things that I wish I was.  Instead of wish....I'm going to do.  To be.  To travel toward the journey of who I want to be when I'm 89and 1/2.  The things I don't like are still a part of me.  And I must not hate them.  I must allow them to become strengths rather than weaknesses.  I look forward to it....kinda'.
grace to you.

18 megapixels

Talk about clear....;)  That's what 18 megapixels on a camera does.  Been looking at cameras.  The Rebel by Canon now takes 18 megapixel shots...the t2i.  I like it.  And, today I figured out a way that maybe I'll be able to get one.  There are refurbished ones.  And, maybe if I sell gold?  You know, broken chains and such.  I know that I should use it for something else.  Oh well.  Maybe I will.  Like a trip to Mexico.  Or the Caribbean.  Or, I could wait and put it towards a car.  Choices are a good thing.  I want to start working that way.  I've been in a mode of not keeping anything on hand so that I can honestly say that I don't have it to give to him.  It makes him angry.  But, it keeps me from having to do what he says with money.  I use it for groceries and buying clothes for myself or the kids.  I used it to help with Christmas gifts.  But...well....I want to practice having choices.  Saving for them.  Not being afraid.
He was so angry that I saved money and took a trip.  The guilt was laid on thick.  It was pretty awful.  Ok, really awful, come to think of it.  Maybe I am a horrible person for being relieved for not having him around.  For needing the time away without him.  But, my feelings are simply that....feelings.  And they are the result of real actions.  And I am allowed to have my own feelings.  My own fears.  My own needs.
Don't I sound so powerful?  Over my own self.  Wow.  Only had to get to middle age to get back to being a grown up.  Still proud.  And sad.
Would I marry him all over again?  I would have to.  Because I adore my kids.  But beyond that, there's no way.  On a do over, I would tell my younger self to run away and not be fooled by the charming man.  The "good guy".  The "nice guy".  But, knowing what I know and as hard as it has been, who I have become is stronger....more able.....although, I must say that I used to be very strong.  So....strong in a new way.  In overcoming the perception and beliefs of someone who was supposed to care for me and love me.  That has required more courage than all of the rest of life.  Amazing.
But, regarding the camera?  I am not sure.  But one thing I know....I get to choose.  So I will choose wisely.
grace to you.

Another Tool In The Box

http://compassionpower.com/Eggshells/index.html
This quiz says if you get below 90 you are in trouble.  I got a 20.  Seriously?  And that's because I'm doing better now than I was.....oh my.  I'm glad to be learning.  Glad to get information that helps me to become stronger.
And I'm glad that he's at work for a couple of more hours tonight.  Yes I am.  And I'll try not to feel guilty about it.
grace to you.
from Squidoo "Verbal Abuse: Is It Happening To You?"

I Read This. I Cried.

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

I got to the section on "defective" and was stunned by the description of what I had become.  The place that I am now coming out of.  Yet, I still struggle.  Wow.  I was amazed.  It helped to feel.....sane.  Perhaps I'm not the screw up.  Or, maybe I am but am worth loving anyway.
grace to you.
Went back and read on power...and competition.  Oh my.  And about change.  Shaking.  Taking a deep breath.  But.....also....relieved.  Wow.  I was smart enough to see it.  Smart enough to take steps to live differently.  I am smart.  I am courageous.  And I am NOT crazy.

Two Important Days + One

"The two most important days of your life, are the day you are born, and the day that you find out why." Mark Twain


I agree that those two days are very important.  The first gives your very being.  The next shows you that the first has meaning, there's one more very important day....it's the one when you decide to actually do the "why you were born."  When your purpose rises up inside of you and overflows and nobody else can stop you from going for it.  No nay sayers.  No discouragers.  Nobody.  
Because the why only matters if you actually DO it.  If you actually go towards it.  It's not about success, but about the journey to becoming her.  The one you were made to be.  The one that lives inside and visits with you at night.  Who appears in your dreams as a near vapor at times.  But, finally gains form and direction.  
You know her.  She is the you that is meant to be.  The one that you've been playing hide and seek with for years.  You have a list of reasons why she needs to stay in the background.  Why it wouldn't be wise to live her life flagrantly.  Because she's not the norm. She doesn't work a 9-5 job and clean the house and garden for fun.  Or...maybe she does.  She just doesn't fit in with what others think you need to be or do.  
But, here you are.  Another year racing up to greet you.  What is to keep you from inviting her out to the party?  Why shouldn't you explore the adventure that awaits if you actually embrace her....the real you?  What is so scary?
Yeah, I have a list too.  It's huge isn't it?
But, I'm realizing that who I am is who she is anyway.  I can hide her.  I can play the game and be what I have to be for everyone.  But, I will never be or feel whole until I go for it.  Until I become the woman I know that I am.
So, I don't know about you, but I have hopes and desires for this next year.  Prayers for moving forward and moving on.  For becoming that woman that I've befriended over this last year...the one I had forgotten because she had been hidden for so long.  
I can't wait.  It's going to be quite the journey.
I am going to go for a great writing platform.  They say you need a great plan.  I have a plan....perhaps it will be great...if it's not, I'll find another.  And, hopefully before NEXT new year's, I'll have an agent.  Maybe.  
Writing here has helped me to gain confidence.  Not in my abilities so much as in the hope that I can build what I need to get recognized as a writer.  
My plan involves some tools that I'll need...if I manage to get them, then I will begin.  If I can't right now, then I will be patient.  I will keep faithful to writing every day.  To dreaming.  To finding out how to live out who I was created to be.  
It's exciting.  I will let you know......it involves things that I love doing.  Writing, painting furniture, working on the computer and promoting a business.  Traveling.  Kids.  Planning to have a ball!!!  
grace to you.

Skills

I've got a lot of great skills.  Unfortunately, they don't earn me a living.  And, some aren't even really related to one another.  But tonight I was thinking, "what if they really are?  What if God has a plan to take the things that I love and have a talent for and make it what I do?  Something that maybe I can't even give a title to right now."  Hmmm....it's quite a thought.  A good thought for sleeping on.  For praying on.  For seeking out.  I see possibility.  I'm not someone who will be famous.  Or even want to be.  But, it just seems like I have something to offer.  Something that maybe even I haven't totally discovered yet.
Yes, I have skills.  They are rather strange.  Rather silly perhaps.  But they are mine.  They are how I relate in my world.  I hope that I remember this idea.  That I actually find the thing that puts together the pieces of me into a beautiful picture.  My act of worship.  My service for my life.  To be totally me.  With thankfulness and delight.  Easier to talk about than to do.  But having the courage to think about it, to have the idea, is a huge step.
grace to you.

My Christmas List...the crazy I'm not getting it but can dream list.

a great camera with a long lens....thinking rebel by canon
boots cute
warm but stylish gloves
a great jacket
a new scent of perfume
candles galore.  with a really cool stand. for table, not freestanding...the dog would catch the house on fire
meaningful jewelry
words to me
car....small, good gas mileage...but cute and comfy.
money for my trip to europe
thumb ring...silver
socks....no holes :)
haircut, highlights lowlights at the nice hair salon
eye brows done
a trip to see my son this spring
a girlfriend trip to the beach
paint brushes
sand paper
flash drive
great program for computer for making websites and tweaking photos
someone to make me dinner a couple of times a week


but mostly....just peace.  to not have to clench my jaw and grin and bear it.
i'd say a divorce.......but it seems tacky.  but i want to be free to live.  really live.  to not feel constantly belittled.  troubled.  worried.
the thing is that mostly, i have all that i want.  so many people to love and be loved by.  i just made the list to prove to myself that i could.  it's hard for me to say what i want for me.....so, there it is.  all spelled out just for me so that i can remember that i do have hopes and dreams.  that i do have things that i enjoy and want to do more of.
grace to you.

To Those Who Care

To those of you in my life who care,
You know who I mean.  Those of you who REALLY care.  Not because there's something in it for you....though, I hope that I give something back.  Not because you are obligated.  Not because we're related and you have to.  I mean those of you who actually see who I am....flaws, faults, shattered dreams, cussing words, blessings, confusion, answers, pray-er, seeker, hoper, encourager.....who really, really see me.  And don't shy away.  Don't push away.  Don't make tsk tsk sounds.  To you, I write this.  Though I write it here in anonymity.  Funny.  A place to bare my heart.....for the deeply good as well as the deeply painful.
Because today I was thinking about how greatly you have blessed my life.  How your words come just when I need them most.  How you hug me with arms that don't let go.  How you join in my rambling, trying to figure it out conversations and don't make me feel like an idiot for not having it worked out before it comes out of my mouth.  For seeing my heart.  For seeing the good things and being gentle with the bad that you see.  But not ignoring it.  Not lying about it.  Loving me just like I am.  Just where I am.
To you, I owe my sanity.  I owe thanks to God, because He literally dropped you into my life.  Different people, different times.  All a gift.  To me.  To keep me from completely falling apart.  And, fall apart I could have.  Though most don't even realize it.  You do what you do not to keep me sane but because you love me.     And that matters.  Because you don't try to fix me.  It's as if....you actually appreciate me as I am.  As messed up and crazy and hurt and fun and unsure and pained and happy.....all rolled into one and you love me.  I love that.
And I love how you call me on it when I'm a jerk.  But not in a fashion that demands that I change...but in a way that says that you know that I am more.  That pulls me back to what I believe and want to be.  For reminding me to "not live there anymore."  That I get to choose who to be and who to become.
For believing not just in what I do, but who I am.  The person that I was made to be.  For not shooting me  down when I have crazy dreams or hopes.  When I speak them aloud, you let me dream or hope.
For your prayers for me.  The ongoing blessing that they have brought to my life are indescribable.
For how you love my kids.  No matter how they are doing or how they are acting.  That is a part of caring for me...as strange as that sounds.
I am so very thankul for you.  All of you.  Who hold me.  You don't even realize that God sent you, your hands, your hearts, your thoughts, your words, to hold me together.  You are His blessing to me.  His gift.  His making sure that I can make it.  He knows how tactile I am.  How I need to be cared for.  And He took care of it.
Oh, I know that I write an awful lot about the blech.  The blah blah blah blah blah.  Because I have to barf it out.  I have to release it in order to get rid of it.
But, I haven't forgotten how blessed I am.  How many I have.  How much love there is in my life.  Disappointed about marriage.  Yep.  Desperately.  But realizing that I do know how to love.  I do know how to be loved.  And I don't have to fix everything else.  Some days, like today, it's good to just revel in the good I've been given in people like you.  Blessings on you.  From those who have simply commented on this blog to those of you who have spent years walking with me and all of you in between.  I am thankful for the gift of you.  What a great Christmas gift it is to stop and remember.
grace to you.

The Look of Love

Movies and books color the world view of what love looks like.  But, I know what love looks like.  I've seen it. And, perhaps that is why it so surprises me that I didn't spot the lack of love towards me from my husband.  He does some of the things that you might expect.  He says some of the words.  But it's generally a manipulation....not a giving.
Love looks like giving.  It is when a person goes out of his/her way for the one they love to make their day brighter.  It looks like a mama grabbing her kid at the airport after time away and holding on like she never wants to let go.....and having him hold on too.  It looks like being willing to learn what another person loves or needs in order to feel "at rest".....and then doing it too.
It looks like willingness.  Like kindness in the midst of troubles.  It looks like comfort.  Like hands reaching out to lift up.  It looks like that look that says, "hey, I'm here, I get it and I'll believe in you and help you through."
It looks like sharing.  Not being taken from.  Not being used.  Sharing willingly.  And grown up love is reciprocal.  Parent to a young child...not so much.  And, while that is a beautiful kind of love, it can't be continued when our children become men and women.  Then they need to learn to give as well as take.
It's that look a man gives when he knows he will do absolutely anything to make his wife smile....a deep smile.  That it satisfies him as much as pleasing himself.  
Love has many looks.  Many styles. But NONE of them cause one to lose value.  To lose herself.  To constantly be on edge.  That's not love.  I'm not sure what it is.  Need?  But it hurts.  I don't doubt that my husband "needs" me.  That he's comfortable with what I give and put into his life.  But the thing is that he hasn't put into my life anything that lasts.  That is meaningful.  When I think of my marriage with him all I can say is that he has sucked me dry.  And that's too bad.  Because I gave him love and respect.  I gave him what he needed.  I willingly sacrificed to make things good....not just adequate.  But it just wasn't going to happen.  Because he doesn't have that sense towards me.  That indescribable but totally necessary something that makes it possible to really love someone.  No, not sex.
That sense of being at ease and making them feel the same.  The feeling of absolute comfort.  Even in hard times.  The ability to share freely.  Without censor or fear of being squashed.  A connection.  A bond.  It doesn't just come from time spent.  It comes from wanting to know a person.  From seeing who they are.  How they work.  It comes not from being the same, but from absolutely appreciating the differences.  It comes from understanding what brings someone joy and committing to it.  But, in the grown up world, what I have learned is that it can't be one way.  Not forever.  In seasons, yes....but if one person absolutely refuses to be kind.  Refuses to contribute to the health and growth.  Has nothing good to say or to give.  Then, it just doesn't work.
And I'm learning that I gave my love.  That I will always love to some degree.  Because of our children.  Because of time.  But that I finally see that he has never given me the love that I need.  And I guess that I thought that I should just deal with it.  Just suck it up and give all.   But not only does he not give, he takes.  He takes my dignity.  My sense of safety.  My very self worth.  And right or wrong, I'm not sure...but I just can't do that for the rest of my life.  Or, maybe I could and I choose not to.
I will find a way to live my life.  To move on.  Somehow.  Prayerfully.  Directed.  Not out of anger.  Not out of revenge.  But because I know the One who really does love me.  And I trust that He still has a plan for me.  Broken and decrepit as I've become.  He sees me.  And He has a plan.  I love that.
I'm praying for you this season especially.  I know that if you are looking for a blog like this then you are hurting and the holidays can be really hard.  I'm sorry.  Wish I could wrap my arms around you and let you know how very special you are.  No matter how much hurt you've been living in.  Even if it feels like your fault.  Even if is IS your fault.  Let go of bitterness.  Let truth in.  Be blessed.
graced to you.

Words

Words are like refreshing water to me.  They feed my heart.  They matter deeply to me.  So, words that have been hurtful in my life probably hurt even more than they would for some people.  And, I don't even think that he realizes it still.  Completely on a different plane.  And that is hard for me.  The invisible feeling.  The feeling that I matter so little.  I pretty much hate it.  And, I am weary of trying to talk it out.  To try to work it out.  Because it always goes the same way.  Tired of walking in the same muddy rut.  Ready to walk on dry ground.
I don't know exactly what it will look like to be healthy.  But I know that it has a lot to do with not constantly feeling stressed.  Not constantly being on edge.  That drains me.  I know that it involves more of the feeling that I had tonight.  Being able to simply rest.  Relax. I went shopping.  Didn't "accomplish" anything.  Oh, I forgot, got myself a present.  A little travel journal that I fell in love with.  I want to start my europe fund, but he is determined to make me feel like crap if I do anything with money.  He saw my checkbook the other day.....he was not happy.  I always feel like everything I do gets put through the inquisition.  And that's hard.  And I'm never going to be able to have the money if I don't pay off other stuff.  THEN save for the trip.  But I can't save a dime because if it's there and saved and he asks me...then I have to give it to him.  Because he says so.  What a lame reason.  So, I know that what I do at this point is just enjoy the extra with a book here and there and coffee and a meal out.  Because the other option is to hand it over to him.  I don't mind using it for groceries and things.  I just mind the fact that I'm not allowed to have an "envelope"....a place to save for me...for my own dreams.  I told him once that I wanted to take a trip to Europe and all he could talk about was......."without me?"  And how that wasn't nice.  I guess it's not.  His words aren't always inaccurate.  But, it is what I want.  If I had a choice of a trip to Europe with him or no trip to Europe, I would stay home.
His words do harm.  He doesn't call me names.  He doesn't beat me.  But he tries to control me.
Hey, the good news is that I've taught my daughter not to be guilted. ;)  This doesn't work to my advantage, but it is good for her.  I love that about her.  Although, he still can do it sometimes with her.  Because it's her daddy.  Wish he had been able to understand how much they love and are desperate for his approval.  I can't make that happen.  I've tried to reason.  Tried to help him to see them.  Tried to explain to them how he shows love.  But time has gone by and he has always remained more important to him than any of us.
His words are mean.  But, how he will twist my words is even worse.  Kills me.  I despise it.  Makes me mute.  Makes it hard for me to talk to anyone.  Unsure.  So I write in a place where I can risk being misunderstood and not humiliated or shamed for being wrong or unkind.
Taking my words away from me is like taking away a piece of me.  A big piece.  But he doesn't deserve them anyway.
Today was a good day.  I found some words.  I struggled, but I was able to speak some of how I feel.  That's important.  But so hard.  Except for here.  I'm so glad that a year ago I began.  Because although there are hard times.......I am safer.  Because I am aware.  Because I realize that I need to guard my heart.  Because I know that he does things that make me feel crazy....but that I don't have to buy into it.
I know that there is a hope and a future.  And he doesn't get to decide for me.
Good news of the day?  I haven't seen him at all.  I did have to talk to him on the phone and it left me jello-y inside.  But, he left early and is not home at after 11.
grace to you.

Losing Ground

I needed to talk to someone..but when I do, I become less able.  So, I sit and kill time.  And wait to feel better.  To heal up a little bit.  I keep thinking that I'm getting better able to do so. But, if I am, why can't I when I am hurting the most?  Why can't I say how desperate I feel?  How I need to be comforted?  Why do I find other things to talk about.  Avoid what is nearly choking me?  But I can't.  Just can't do it.
I want to sit down and just look someone in the eye and say how hurt I am.  But it just feels stupid.
I am a word person.  Words put my life in order.  Give it form and shape.  I need to hear that I'm still loved.  Though I've failed so badly.  Though I can't make Mr. Perfect happy by being me.  Me is not acceptable.
Sigh.  Big, big sigh.
Just so weary.
grace to you.

Closed for the Season

I don't want to be.  I fight against being.  I want to be open.  Caring.  Who I am.  But this is a hard time.  Husband will be around more.  And I can barely stand it.  The tension is hurting me.  No place to cry.  No place to hide under a pillow.  I feel overwhelmed by the emotions....and having to just keep on moving.  Keep on doing what I do.  He doesn't even get it. I would do just as well to talk to a ghost.  He doesn't hear.  He doesn't see the panic in my face when "it" begins.  Or, if he does, it doesn't stop him.  I wish that he would get transferred to another newspaper within the company.  Need to go live there.  I am not being nice, I know.  Venting.  Wanting to cry but no place.  Wanting to sleep but no place.  Wanting to escape but no place.
He has always known that...known that I have nowhere to go.  He found it amusing.  Nowhere to go home to.  Nobody to jump in and protect.  Nobody to tell him to quit being a jackass.  Nobody to tell me that they like me best.
I know....wallowing.  Pretty much.  But, I'll do it now and get on with life.  Because, I do not want to be "closed for the season." I don't want him to determine how I feel and how heavy my heart is....or light.  I want to be free.  I want to breathe.
I sit at the table with him.  I tremble.  I speak politely.  I smile.  He prays for the food.  Acts as if he is the spiritual leader of a family he has never led.  Ever.  He moans.  Whines.  Complains.  But he has never led.  Never done for us....does for himself.
I don't think there is enough space for me to say today how deeply I am wounded.  How my soul longs to be released.  To be "allowed" to love and be loved in return.
Someone invited the fam to a great night at their house today.  And my first response was panic.  Someone that I love.  Who knows me.  Who sees me.  She let me off the hook.  Let me think about it.  But, I absolutely hate the fact that my life is reduced to that.  I just want to curl up and rest.  Don't have the energy to "run away".  Don't have the energy to make my house how I want it.
Don't have the strength to fight the battle to do the "projects" I want to do.  Give me paintbrushes and sandpaper....a drop cloth and a cute piece of furniture and I find some healing.  Or a project for my friend's business.  I have to remind myself that it's hers to do.  I like the work.  Like the purpose.  But, it's her thing.  I'm just a tag along.  Don't get the idea that she's not nice about it....she totally is.  Just not mine to plan for.  So, really, it's still just dabbling.  Playing.
Breathe.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.
Yes, he's gone to work for the moment, but I know he's coming back soon.  Maybe a year or so would be good.  Emphasis on the or so.
Gotta go.  Kid in room
grace to you.

Gaither Vocal Band The glorious impossible

This Day

The only day that I have is this one.  Yesterday is like a morning fog that burns away with the shining of the sun.  Tomorrow like a wish on a star.  Both have their places in our memories and hopes, but only today allows me to "edit".  To make changes.  To live well.  To choose who this woman is going to be.  How she is going to live.  How she is going to love.  Give.  Share.  Grow.  Only today.  This day.
And on this day, I am making yummy spaghetti sauce.  I rock at making sketti sauce.  And bread.  And salad.  To share with those I love.  To enjoy.  And I am simply enjoying the treasure of having my son home.  The simple pleasure of hearing his voice in the other room.  Of his getting up getting the paper.  Little things.
And on this day, I am choosing prayer.  Lifting up my life to the One who can change me.  Who "gets" me.  Who doesn't make me change simply on a whim.  But who lovingly plans and sculpts and perfects a bit at a time just as an artist works a piece of stone into a sculpture.  Think of me as Mt. Rushmore.....before the presidents!!  God sees me already completed.  In His heart, in Him, I AM complete.  He sees me in a way that I can't even imagine because Jesus came to be enough.  I am treasuring that today.  Completeness.
And today I am telling the truth.  Even hard truth.  To myself.  But, today, also to others.
And today, I am glad that my husband will be going to work.  Very glad.  Practically giddy.  Makes my jaw relax.  My heart lighter.  The tension drains.  I know it will rise as the time comes for him to come back, but, for now, I get to anticipate the peace of the day.
This day is my gift.  To me.  From God Himself.  And, my gift back is giving my life to living.  Not producing. But realizing.  Perceiving.  Acknowledging.  Desiring.  Loving.  Growing.  Sharing.  Investing.  Purposing.  Repurposing.
I have a life.  A day.  Like a child with a dollar in the dollar store, I am happily thinking of all of my options.
grace to you.

I Love Your Whole Face

I love the saying, "I love your whole face."  Don't know why, it just warms my heart.  It's like that moment that you see someone that you know and care about and just seeing their face absolutely has the power to change the moment.  It's like my heart lightens.  Joy fills me.  For not other reason than a beloved face.
And, some people have the way of relaxing me.  Even my face.  It's like when I'm with them I suddenly become conscious that I've been carrying the weight of worry in my face...tension...tightness.  And I notice it as it melts away.  It literally feels like melting.
I am blessed to have people in my life that bring me such a tremendous gift.  It was strange because today I was thinking that maybe I will be that to someone sometime.  That they will just feel lighter because of my face.  And, maybe I'll never know.  But, it's a lovely thought because I know how healing and uplifting it is.
So tonight, in the midst of everything else, I choose to be thankful for the gift of those faces......the healing faces that I absolutely love to see.  That lift my heart.  Make me smile.  That I seek out in a crowd.  That bring me comfort without a word.  I am blessed.
grace to you.

If You Can't Say Something Nice, Say Nothing At All

.....................................................
                        ..............................................
                                                   ............................................................................

The Other Shoe

I am amazingly resilient.  Amazingly forgiving.  Amazingly naive.  I ALWAYS think that things are better.  That perhaps it will be better here within my marriage.  That even if it doesn't look like I wish that perhaps it will be ok.  However, what I have learned...well, I obviously haven't learned it because it continues to take me by surprise and knock me on my butt.....is that it is never really better.  My husband won't take care of things.  He won't do what it takes to have a relationship.  He will function based on worry and/or jealousy.  But he won't ever bother to see me.  To meet the needs of my heart.  And I used to do so for him anyway....but not so much anymore.  I don't know how much more he can take from me.
At church last night I, I watched him sing with my friends.  I watched as he worshipped.  And I realized that is ok.  That life can go on as it is.  As hard as it is on me.  But, then, this morning was awful.  I'm hurt.  I'm troubled.  I'm thinking that I can't wait for my kids to get older.  I mean, actually, I'm sad to say, I wish he'd just disappear.  Being around him is simply painful.  He is mean.  He is self centered.  He is not the man that others see.  But he couches all he does in warped truth.  He pokes at his family with arrows of bitterness.  I'm sure that I am no longer helping him to overcome that....because at some point it became clear that no matter what I do, how hard I work, how much time I spend, how much sex there is, how great the meals are....nothing would ever be enough.  It's always good but not good enough.  And I just can't do it.  I am not the woman who is going to ever make him happy.  He is the man that makes me angry.  And here I thought that we could come to terms in an adult fashion, living our lives, being peaceful......nope.  I HATE conflict.  I am so disheartened today.  So hurt.  So full of mad.  I shouted in the privacy of my own car.  But I have had to be home all morning with him.  Thankfully, he just left to run errands.  I hope that it is soon time for me to go help my friend with her business. I need out of here in a bad way.  My head aches.  My whole body is tense.  What a disappointment.  You'd think I'd have it figured out that the other shoe always drops.....but no, I always end up feeling stupid because of my undying hopefulnes.  Blech.  I mean, I'm glad that I'm that kind of person, but sometimes it serves to really wound me.  Deeply.  In a way that I don't know how to describe. Because I am not good at fake.  Not good at half hearted.  So, I get hurt.  Over and over and over.....and the saddest part?  He doesn't care.  He only cares about him, how he feels and what he needs and wants and values. (insert scream here.)
grace to you.

Christmas

I have knocked myself out with finding great gifts this year.  Totally jazzed.  I only have one thing that I REALLY REALLY REALLY want.....but I won't be getting it this year.  I'll save my money and buy it.  It will help me with my projects.  Maybe a business expense?
Nonetheless, candles and lip gloss and perfume and socks are nice from my kids.  Bet I don't get a holiday sweater this year.  My daughter was going to wear it to her ugly sweater party the other night, but we decided that she better not since her dad bought it.
It is hard to become the mom I guess.  It's like I see what my kids and husband love so easily.  But, that is only reciprocated by one of them.  He is amazing.  He got me a bird bath and solar lights for my front yard path.  His dad tried to take credit.  But he was the one who knew WHAT to get.  Who stayed home from church and set it all up.  He tries so hard to think of others.  I DO miss that.
So, while I won't get my most wished for present, I will get the time with my kids.  Of course, now I heard that my husband might be taking off a week!!!!  Mercy.  It will kill me.  I barely survive the days that he is gone 12 hours a day.  But, he works this Sunday...after church.  So, that's good.  Sad that it's a relief, but it is what it is.  Oh well.
Christmas is coming.  I hope that you have a great week of anticipation.
grace to you.

At the Airport

I'm at the airport awaiting the arrival of my college son that I haven't seen since August.  This being December, the time is long overdue.  So, I'm here, not as early as I usually am because I went to enjoy a Christmas program at church.  I'm not all that comfortable there, yet I felt like I needed to stay for a bit.  And, to my complete delight there was a 28 year old friend who is home from Swaziland.  Totally jet lagged and so glad to see me.  I'm sure that we were disruptive.  We hugged long.  It was so good.  It was a God thing.  She needed me to see her.  I needed her to see me.  These things are amazing in how they come to be.  I loved those moments.  She is so real.  And I was too.  She asked what happened why I wasn't around so much at church...I said nothing really happened...she called me a liar and I told her the truth.  Love that young lady.
I got it twice....how proud I must be of my husband.  What a wonderful man he is.  I am so lucky.  I smiled my fake smile...they didn't notice....and all was well.  They were happy to have let me know how blessed I am to be his wife and I was ok.  I didn't flee and I didn't lose it.  But, it still shakes me.
My life may not look like I hoped.  Not even close.  But it is a good life.  My marriage didn't turn out to be one of mutual respect and kindness and compassion.  But still, I get to choose who I am.  How I behave.
I am so proud of my kids these days.  Mostly.  Still some rough spots.  One son who struggles on the line all of the time.  But always comes to his senses.  Hasn't ever gotten in any trouble.  Just suffers from lack of a male role model.  From a sense of low self worth.  And, this week has been hard on him...he had settled in with his brothers gone and now I know that he feels jealous and he doesn't know how to put it to words.  His brother is coming home and he's afraid that he won't be as important.  But he is.  Everything in life shifts.
This son that is coming home has a special place of his own.  But, his place within our family is more fluid now.  Changing.  I know it.  But, I am so thankful for this time we will have to visit.  He goes to school 1200 miles away.  I miss his face.  I miss his helpful, kind spirit.  I miss him.  But I'm glad that he's where he is.  It was time.  And he is following God's plan and leading in his life.
So, here I sit, waiting and people watching.  Waiting til I see that familiar face.  I love the airport.  So much to observe.  So much to enjoy.  Yes, I can type without looking.  I'm one of those old folks who took classes on how to actually puttheir fingers in the right spot and work from there.  It has come in very handy.;)
It was an emotionally hard day.  I managed it knowing that there was this lovely reward at the end.  And it's almost here!!!!
grace to you.

Brave

I was brave today.  I went to a lunch with people from church.  I prepared my mind in advance for any questions.  I prayed.  I took deep breaths.  I acknowledged that for me it was hard.  Even if it "shouldn't" be.  I allowed myself to have my own feelings.  I prepared my heart.  I focused on why I was going....someone I care about graduated with her master's.  Summa Cum Laude.  God did great things to get her there.  And I wanted to be there to let her know how I recognize and appreciate that road that she walked.  And is walking.  So, I went.  And, I was fine.  A little bit nervous but willing to do it.  Courageous.  I didn't even hyperventilate.  Which was good.  But, I regret that it has become so difficult for me. However, many things are getting better.  So, I will focus on those and I will be thankful that I survived today.  God is good to me.  He gets how hard it is for me to get back out there.  And He breathes His peace into me.
grace to you.

Who Am I

I walk in the same doors.  I travel the same streets.  I shop at the same stores.  I breathe the same air.  But, somehow, sometimes, I feel so very unseen.  It's not so depressing anymore.  I'm beginning to understand.  My personality doesn't demand that people take notice.  Not usually.  And, honestly, I have a hard time saying out loud what is really on my heart.  I can talk about so many things, but those things that are deeply cherished in my heart are difficult.  It didn't used to be.  I mean, I've always had my personality, but I used to be able to share with those people who were close to me what made me tick.  What I needed.  What I wanted.  How I felt.  But somehow now it's as if I figure that if the person I am married to isn't interested then why would anyone else be? It's like I was cut off.  He goes on jovial and talking and telling stories.  But I am strangely muted.  Oh, I talk plenty, but it is so easy for me to be hidden.  Large family.  Outgoing people around.  It's just easy.
And when I try to say how hurt I've been I feel like I get silenced.  And I know that it's not my story to share.  So, I wonder who I am.  Because who is a person if nobody sees her?  Is she still who she knows she is?  Or is she who she behaves on the outside because of circumstances?  I think that I believe that I am the person I know that I really am.....and yet, what difference does it make if I a alone in knowing her?  God knows.  But he didn't put me here to be the only one who knows me.  It's a conundrum.  I don't know how to solve it.
I am a giving person.  Kind.  Willing.  But not willing to do anything.  I have boundaries.  It's as if I'm not supposed to within the confines of marriage.  I feel like that is what I was taught.  That what is expected is to give everything.  Including my very selfness.  And I can't.  Because I don't know how to live if I give away the very essence of who I am.  And I want to live.  I want Christ to live in me.  Not in a made up version of me that exists to keep someone else content.
I want to be seen.  But I don't want to have to wave a flag and shoot off a flare.  I am a very private person.  I am easily put off from sharing my soul.  From baring my pains.
But this much I know.....Jesus loves me.  He KNOWS me.  Knows my name.  My inner workings.  And He gets me.  And He doesn't expect me to throw away who He made.
Who I am can make a very lonely day.  But, also can make deep, meaningful connections.  Without pretense. I am a very committed person.  I am full of confidence...but not pride.  I want to figure this out.  I want to be seen.
grace to you.

Time

Wow.  Three days have gone by since I have written.  Unheard of.  I've been busy.  But, also, it is hard to find quiet time to write when my thoughts can simply go without having to answer a  load of other questions or hold conversation.  I don't have many jobs this week.  Sad.  And not so much.  I could use the money.  Got bills.  But, I am glad to have this quiet.  My husband is going to take a week off during break.  Yikes.  I started shaking this morning with just the thought.  What a shame.  He called me to see if I had made any plans because he wanted to take the days to be included in case I'd planned a trip or something.
He doesn't get it...if I had, I wouldn't want to do it with him.  And I haven't because he made such a fuss that while he went to Texas last year, I took the rest to a cabin in the woods.  I know.  I should feel nicer about it.  But I don't.  I feel like he never plans anything for any of us.  Never says that it would be good to go.  Never gives.  But, wants to be sure that he isn't left out.  It just irks me.  He gave a gift to our kid last Christmas of a trip/adventure for the two of them.  My son chose something easy.  A fishing trip.  But then his dad wasn't going to do the hotel.  Wasn't going to take him out to eat.  Was going to take away the perks because they could take packed food.  It was frustrating.  He is self centered.  Money before his kid.  I prevailed.  They got the room.  They ate a meal out.  He just doesn't get that it's not just about him getting stuff.  Or experiences.  That he is not the baby of THIS family.  That it's time to grow up.
Today he left for work very early.  He came in while I was on my computer to say good bye.  And to ask if he could take the car instead of the van.  He worries about the van.  He doesn't want to drive it on the highway.  But he has no qualms about sending his family on the highway in it to take the kids to school.  I don't understand him.  And the way he asked was pathetic.  I don't know....just like I would say no.  I never say no.  Though I do much more driving and take many more people.  He drives four miles to work and parks it for the day.
I am venting.  I know.  Stressed.  Knowing that he will be around on my precious days off with the kids.  He is NEVER off then.  And, maybe because this morning I was reflecting on the facts of my life.  About how he believes that I should go back to how it was before.  That it's "right".  That I should keep on trying.  That I should make it work.  And yet, I wonder why???  Seriously, what is different after all of these years?  Nothing has changed.  Doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results is crazy.  He believes that it is the spiritual thing to do.  But this morning as I drove, I realized that the relationship isn't there.  Hasn't been.  Maybe he never really gave it.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that on my part I gave as long as I possibly could.  I prayed to be the person I should be.  I prayed for answers.  I prayed to be strong.  I prayed for peace and no conflict.  I prayed to be a good wife.  I prayed for him to be happy.  And eventually, over a large amount of time, I began to break.  And I told him so.  Told him I couldn't live as it was.  And finally, I did break.  I couldn't hold it all together anymore.  I was done in.  Weary.  Used.  And he didn't care.  Not a bit.  And I tried to do it.  But, I could not.  And during all of it, he simply demanded more.  If he got something....he wanted better.  Then came a time when I had to change it or sink forever.  And I changed it.  And there has not been a change.  He puts on a nice front sometimes.  But, most of the time, life still revolves around him in his mind.  I'm not interested.  I can't even face the possibility of doing that again.  I don't need to be mean to him.  I just need to breathe.  To be allowed to have a thought.  Or an experience.  Or a hope.  Or a dream.  Without someone who diminishes who I am.  Who thinks of me as irresponsible.  Or unspiritual.  I'm just....done.  Because being stronger makes my life fuller.  Richer.  I am kinder.  I am freer.  I am more able to trust God.  To grow.  I am doing BETTER.  Not worse.
I am moving forward in life.  Not backward.  And it's a grand adventure.
grace to you.

Quiet of the Morning

My family went out the door.  I was going out too...albeit it the grocery store and not the church.  But, they walked out first.  So, I sat down in my easy chair with the sun blazing through the window on this cold day.  And I thought that perhaps I could just take a wee bit of time to enjoy it.
This morning I laid in "bed" for awhile.  While I was awake.  It was so nice.  Just stretching and thinking and allowing myself time to wake up.  Felt really good.
I get too little time that is stress free.  This, I know.  I have spent most of my marriage wondering when the next trouble is coming.  When I'm going to disappoint him.  How I'm not going to be pleasing.  It has been incredibly stressful for many many years.  YET, today as I was doing a little primping, I had one of those great moments.  One of those moments that lift you up and make you feel proud and happy.  I realized that I have shielded my kids from the stress fairly well.  Not perfectly by any means.  But that it hasn't messed them up completely.  Maybe some.  Of course.  We all have to gather our childhood baggage. ;)  But they are nice people.  They are coping.  Each in his/her own way.  And I'm so thankful to God that I carried the burden.  That I took the crap.  That I was the one that was "in trouble".  Until they got older.  Of course now, they are old enough to verbalize and figure out what they want and who they respect.  Our one son sadly has very little respect for his dad.  It's too bad.  Another won't drive much to this day because of his father's bad behavior.  I couldn't fix those things.  However, I did hold onto them.  I did love them through.  And they are ok.  And am I willing to tell him to back off?  Yep. For them.  And for me, I am willing to live rather quietly without battles.  Without conflict.  Together but not....to keep the kids in the best environment I can at this point.
So, yes, I woke up on a pallet on the floor.  As I have for over a year.  Except for when I move to the couch. But, I don't feel so badly anymore.  I feel proud.  I feel a sense of accomplishment.  My kids are getting grown.  There are fewer battles because I don't engage.  So, they get peace.  Peace is lovely.
Can't say that I don't live in tension.  But, mostly that is mine alone.  And for that I am also thankful.
So here's to quiet mornings to enjoy the sunshine, safe from the cold outdoor temperatures.  Just like my life. It gets cold, but the Son can warm me up.  Shine on me.  Make me smile again.
grace to you.

Traditions

Traditions in our family came about not because we set out to do them but because we did it once and for some reason  liked it....and then they remember they liked it....and then they say, "but we ALWAYS do.....".  It makes me smile.  Because my family didn't come premade.  I didn't have expectations about how we would HAVE to do things.  It has evolved over time.  Our own unique and funky, quirky and silly ideas of how a holiday should be.  For instance....making gingerbread houses AFTER Christmas.  I know.  Weird.  But we really enjoy that quiet week.  It's fun to bake and do project kinds of things.  Relax and enjoy the end of the hectic schedule that always comes in December if you have lots of kids in school.  We make peanut brittle.  And fudge.  Yes, often AFTER the holiday.
Sometimes we have been known to see a movie on Christmas Day.  Weird, I am aware.  But still, quite enjoyable.  We usually go to Chinese on Christmas Eve.  That happened because my grandparents were coming to town to visit us and my husband always worked at night, so they said they would take us out to dinner.  Guess what?  No place was open.  So, we went to Chinese.  Voila.  The tradition was born.  However, this year, one of my kids wants pizza....so, we'll see.
Or the Northwest coast.  We went with friends once.  Then, we went another year.  Now, it is "our" place to go.  A year without the Oregon Coast is simply not the same.  Even the year I took them to Georgia instead.
Tonight I've been a little bit sad...two of my boys aren't home.  And, some of our traditions around this time of year involve who does what.  My second son puts the lights on the house.  He's in Oregon and the other two refuse.  Well, I could MAKE them, but that somehow makes it lose it's fun feeling.  And my eldest decks the tree out in lights.  He's the king.  Patient and neat.  And tall.  Good combo for the job.  He's not here either.  I put the lights on the tree myself.  Perhaps it is the feeling that I know that my traditions have all come from my kids and soon my kids will all be gone...and then so will my traditions.  At first I was teary.  It's hard.  But then I decided that just as those traditions began without a plan.....so will my new traditions.  I will be ok.  I have to let them grow up.  Have to let them pull away.
And tomorrow is shopping day....them and their friends.  It's also one of those traditions.  When they were little it was a trip to the dollar store.  What a hoot that was.  Nine little kids running around the aisles "hiding" their gifts and getting all excited about the cap guns and other knock off toys.  As the years have gone by, this particular tradition is important to me because I've seen how the kids have grown.  My kids have been planning and working out how to have money for this day.  They actually think about the person receiving the gift now and what he/she might enjoy.  I absolutely love that.  It blesses my socks off.  Because it wasn't what I planned.....but, it was my desire that they would learn to be good givers.  And, they are.  So, I look forward to tomorrow.  Though it feels a bit not like it "should".....kids missing....growing up....not as much time in life to do things....but, I need this this year.  And maybe they do too.  To remember how good it feels to stop for awhile and think about other people and what they want.  I hope that it's good.  I kinda need a cheery boost.
Traditions are good.  Right now I'm in the midst of my own messy tradition....trying to get the house put together after bringing in Christmas boxes.  Having a hard time of it.  Tired today.  Stayed up way too late.  Woke up early.  Yikes.  Hey, we got a tree today, got it trimmed and put up.  That is enough to be thankful for in one day.  And I will just leave tomorrow until tomorrow.
grace to you.

Almost A Year

I began this blog nearly a year ago.  In my first month, I had three page views.  In my second, I had 51....I was practically giddy.  Now, I have at least a hundred a week.  Usually.  And, it seems to be growing.  It's not about numbers.  But, it is about whether my story can have any impact.  Because it is my little attempt to reach out into my world.  To bring a little bit of hope.  To touch and encourage those that I can't even see or meet with.  It is my gift to others to share from the very depths of my pain so that they can know that they are not alone.
Honestly, I can't measure "success" based on a whole lot of things.  When I began I prayed that if there was even one person that would find this blog and feel less alone then it would be worth it.  That's how I feel.  That's what I feel is successful.  Yet, I have to say, lately I've been kind of excited to see what has happened in just a year.  Amazing.  It took me nine months to get my first five hundred page views.  And in three months, I added a thousand.  Hard for me to fathom.  Don't have a clue how that is.  But it brings me this smile.  Inside.  Outside.  It feels marvelous.  So, thank you.  For giving me that gift.  For reading.  For coming back to my rambling moments. For sharing in my pain and triumphs.  I continue to pray for you.  To long for you to be comforted.  And for you to know that you are not alone.  Never ever.  You are loved.  And I want to encourage you and lift you up and help you to try again.  To live your life.  Really live it.  Not the circumstances.  The life.  Be brave.  Do it.  Take notes.  And see where you are in a year.  It's all kinds of wonderful what can happen in a year.
grace to you.

God Giggled

When God made me, I bet He giggled.  Maybe even ROFL.  Because He knew that I was different.  He knew that I was going to cause a lot of people a lot of confusion.  He knew that they would say, "wait, didn't you know that you are different?"  And it wasn't a problem for Him.  He was gleeful.  Putting on the extra touches that would make me stand alone.  And yet...somehow, would bring me more joy than I can believe.  The things that others can't even imagine.  Can't even think about.  I do.  I thought everybody did.  Turns out...nope.  I'm weird.  For the longest time, I just thought that I was weird.  I didn't really know that I was "different"...you know, because that seems a little bit more like being "special".  Like I need a special bus or van to pick me up.  Which, I might actually enjoy.  I do kinda like being pampered.  Sometimes.  But, I'd probably not like it because I really do like to drive.  I am different.
And I have to tell you this really cool thing.  He made friends for me.  He gave me kids who like me for all of my quirkiness.  He made a place for me in the world.  I like that.  He knew me.  He added in all of those things that some people with about me.  And He said, "it is very good."  With no "if" added in.  I like that too. I don't walk to the beat of a different drummer....cuz my sense of rhythm sucks.  I just walk along.  Kind of wandering as I wonder.  And think.  And marvel.  And absorb.  And that's ok.  Totally ok.
I don't always believe it.  Sometimes it still stings.  Being "different".  It's hard.  Because for all of the be you, be unique, be an individual that our society touts, really, conformity is where it's at.  Wear the right brands, think the right things, behave a certain way, believe specific ideas......and I....don't.  I don't particularly fit into any large group.  Yet, I have enough support.  Enough love.  Enough kindness  Enough laughter.  Enough encouragement.  Enough joy.  Enough hugs.  Enough interaction.  Enough.  Of everything that I need.  Though even the people who love me think that I'm weird.  I'm kinda getting used to it, I think.  And longing less to be "normal."  Although, sometimes, I think that it must be very pleasant to be more easily understood.  But being normal would cost me too much.  My inner thought life.  My absolutely insane adoration for the completely simple.  (yeah, my friends fall in this category......just kidding, but I can say that because this is a safe spot.)  I would lose this strange kind of drive I have inside of me....not to produce, but to uplift.  To encourage.  To hold a line of believing the best about people...even when they are being complete screwups.  I can see that, call it what it is and STILL see the amazing parts of them.  I am really weird.  Really complex.  Really deep.
And I have been blessed by it.  By this ability to write.  To gather thoughts like others gather laundry.  Or flowers.  Or children.  And to bring the thoughts together so that finally they make some sense to me.  I have the ability to add meaning to what is happening in the world.  Because in my strangeness, I see it.  I see meaning.  And I see the most basic meaning of all is to truly live....and in so doing, to give glory and thanks to the One who made us.  Bottom line, if we don't really live our own life, we don't ever really give back to Him or to the world what was intended.  Even if we DO a lot of good things.  It's not a contest.  And the most popular don't get a special prize.  It's more like an art show.....and the most original, most creative, most adventurous pieces are the ones that give glory to the Artist.
grace to you.

Finding Me

The strangest thing that I learned about myself this week is that the personality test I took was spot on.  Mostly.  Especially in the part where it talks about how my personality type looks for a creative/artistic outlet.  Not always the artist, but such great appreciation for beauty.  They often write....or find other ways to "create".  I am having a fun time learning a new skill in the printing world.  It's time consuming.  It's hard.  It's not my art, but someone else's.  Yet, it gives me such a sense of contentment to take the art from one form to another.  And, did I mention, it's really NOT easy.  It takes patience.  Which I have.  And the desire to work on a computer...which, I also have.  And not minding doing things until they are.........satisfying.  Hard to explain.  But it takes the ability to look and then look again differently.  Kind of like proof reading.  Which I'm sure all of you wish that I would do.  But, frankly, not so much joy in that.
In the midst of all of this I'm trying to say that I am finding me.  Sometimes it makes me smile to simply see the woman that I really am.  I thought that she had disappeared.  Yet, here she is.  What joy there is in so much for me.  Because I am not difficult to please.  I am easily amused.  I enjoy a challenge.  I like solitude.  I like making people happy.  I am extremely dedicated to those things which I believe in deeply.  I am faithful.  I am giving.  And I like finding new ways to express the beauty that I am so able to feel and experience.  That is a challenge since I'm not an artist.  But, that's ok.  I APPRECIATE beauty.  I know it when I see it.  And that is pretty special too.
I went missing there for a long while.  And even if nobody else noticed.....I missed me.  More than I even realized until recently.  And now I am becoming more peaceful.  Though there are still struggles.  I am becoming more willing to pursue those things that I am passionate about and not just those that make sense.  Because a pursuit is much better fueled by passion than duty.
I love life.  I love MY life.  Not every circumstance.  But the actual life.  The actual breathing.  And moving.  And heart beating.  Life.
I am not invisible.  Or, maybe I am to others, but it doesn't matter so much now that I remember who I am and Who sees me.  Who adores me.  Who delights in my complete differentness.  He does.  I'm remembering.  And I'm happy.
grace to you.