Today was a hard day or me. Yet a super good day. I think that I am learning to actually act in my life and not simply react. Living life based on who I am supposed to be. Who I was created to be. And realizing that someone else's choices don't get to decide for me. And that just because certain responses are expected by the population that doesn't mean that they have to be my course of action.
I am very weary of the whole passive aggressive thing. I think that the reason that it wears me out so much is that I lkie to think that if someone is behaving nicely that it's actually nice. But that is not always the case. I have to be aware. Wary. And that makes me weary. Because it always hits me hard and makes me sad. He has the power to hurt me because I chose to allow it to. I don't want to be unfeeling. HOWEVER, I also choose to focus on something else. Better things. Good things. I choose the good. So, today when something happened....well, actually more than one.....I said "what a jerk" in my head...ok, also outloud when I was at home alone. And perhaps I ad libbed a bit. But, then I was done. I didn't wallow. I didn't go into a funk. I didn't have a pity party. I went on with my day. And it was a good day. Full of blessings. Blessings that I would have missed if I had spent the day focusing on his behavior and choices. Instead, I acknowledged it as bad behavior. Got over my childish tantrum feelings. And determined to not allow those behaviors to be what colored my day. There was so much good. Very good. And though I was confused, hurt, angry....all of the above, I don't have to dwell on it. And I don't have to figure it out. Or find an answer for why. It's not my calling in life. It's his job to live his life. As he chooses.
And, in this growing, I am learning to simply be happy. To not feel so defensive. To be at peace. Genuine peace. Oh, there are rickety moments. Moments I tremble. Freeze. Sometimes I just can't get warm. But, nothing that can choose how I live. Because no matter what is happening around me, I am the one responsible for how I live, think, give, love, act. Me. Period. God given freedom. To do good. To see good. To give praise. To be thankful. To know that there is much beauty to be encountered in any circumstance. I purpose and choose this life.
grace to you.
I am very weary of the whole passive aggressive thing. I think that the reason that it wears me out so much is that I lkie to think that if someone is behaving nicely that it's actually nice. But that is not always the case. I have to be aware. Wary. And that makes me weary. Because it always hits me hard and makes me sad. He has the power to hurt me because I chose to allow it to. I don't want to be unfeeling. HOWEVER, I also choose to focus on something else. Better things. Good things. I choose the good. So, today when something happened....well, actually more than one.....I said "what a jerk" in my head...ok, also outloud when I was at home alone. And perhaps I ad libbed a bit. But, then I was done. I didn't wallow. I didn't go into a funk. I didn't have a pity party. I went on with my day. And it was a good day. Full of blessings. Blessings that I would have missed if I had spent the day focusing on his behavior and choices. Instead, I acknowledged it as bad behavior. Got over my childish tantrum feelings. And determined to not allow those behaviors to be what colored my day. There was so much good. Very good. And though I was confused, hurt, angry....all of the above, I don't have to dwell on it. And I don't have to figure it out. Or find an answer for why. It's not my calling in life. It's his job to live his life. As he chooses.
And, in this growing, I am learning to simply be happy. To not feel so defensive. To be at peace. Genuine peace. Oh, there are rickety moments. Moments I tremble. Freeze. Sometimes I just can't get warm. But, nothing that can choose how I live. Because no matter what is happening around me, I am the one responsible for how I live, think, give, love, act. Me. Period. God given freedom. To do good. To see good. To give praise. To be thankful. To know that there is much beauty to be encountered in any circumstance. I purpose and choose this life.
grace to you.
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