The Other Shoe

I am amazingly resilient.  Amazingly forgiving.  Amazingly naive.  I ALWAYS think that things are better.  That perhaps it will be better here within my marriage.  That even if it doesn't look like I wish that perhaps it will be ok.  However, what I have learned...well, I obviously haven't learned it because it continues to take me by surprise and knock me on my butt.....is that it is never really better.  My husband won't take care of things.  He won't do what it takes to have a relationship.  He will function based on worry and/or jealousy.  But he won't ever bother to see me.  To meet the needs of my heart.  And I used to do so for him anyway....but not so much anymore.  I don't know how much more he can take from me.
At church last night I, I watched him sing with my friends.  I watched as he worshipped.  And I realized that is ok.  That life can go on as it is.  As hard as it is on me.  But, then, this morning was awful.  I'm hurt.  I'm troubled.  I'm thinking that I can't wait for my kids to get older.  I mean, actually, I'm sad to say, I wish he'd just disappear.  Being around him is simply painful.  He is mean.  He is self centered.  He is not the man that others see.  But he couches all he does in warped truth.  He pokes at his family with arrows of bitterness.  I'm sure that I am no longer helping him to overcome that....because at some point it became clear that no matter what I do, how hard I work, how much time I spend, how much sex there is, how great the meals are....nothing would ever be enough.  It's always good but not good enough.  And I just can't do it.  I am not the woman who is going to ever make him happy.  He is the man that makes me angry.  And here I thought that we could come to terms in an adult fashion, living our lives, being peaceful......nope.  I HATE conflict.  I am so disheartened today.  So hurt.  So full of mad.  I shouted in the privacy of my own car.  But I have had to be home all morning with him.  Thankfully, he just left to run errands.  I hope that it is soon time for me to go help my friend with her business. I need out of here in a bad way.  My head aches.  My whole body is tense.  What a disappointment.  You'd think I'd have it figured out that the other shoe always drops.....but no, I always end up feeling stupid because of my undying hopefulnes.  Blech.  I mean, I'm glad that I'm that kind of person, but sometimes it serves to really wound me.  Deeply.  In a way that I don't know how to describe. Because I am not good at fake.  Not good at half hearted.  So, I get hurt.  Over and over and over.....and the saddest part?  He doesn't care.  He only cares about him, how he feels and what he needs and wants and values. (insert scream here.)
grace to you.