Who Am I

I walk in the same doors.  I travel the same streets.  I shop at the same stores.  I breathe the same air.  But, somehow, sometimes, I feel so very unseen.  It's not so depressing anymore.  I'm beginning to understand.  My personality doesn't demand that people take notice.  Not usually.  And, honestly, I have a hard time saying out loud what is really on my heart.  I can talk about so many things, but those things that are deeply cherished in my heart are difficult.  It didn't used to be.  I mean, I've always had my personality, but I used to be able to share with those people who were close to me what made me tick.  What I needed.  What I wanted.  How I felt.  But somehow now it's as if I figure that if the person I am married to isn't interested then why would anyone else be? It's like I was cut off.  He goes on jovial and talking and telling stories.  But I am strangely muted.  Oh, I talk plenty, but it is so easy for me to be hidden.  Large family.  Outgoing people around.  It's just easy.
And when I try to say how hurt I've been I feel like I get silenced.  And I know that it's not my story to share.  So, I wonder who I am.  Because who is a person if nobody sees her?  Is she still who she knows she is?  Or is she who she behaves on the outside because of circumstances?  I think that I believe that I am the person I know that I really am.....and yet, what difference does it make if I a alone in knowing her?  God knows.  But he didn't put me here to be the only one who knows me.  It's a conundrum.  I don't know how to solve it.
I am a giving person.  Kind.  Willing.  But not willing to do anything.  I have boundaries.  It's as if I'm not supposed to within the confines of marriage.  I feel like that is what I was taught.  That what is expected is to give everything.  Including my very selfness.  And I can't.  Because I don't know how to live if I give away the very essence of who I am.  And I want to live.  I want Christ to live in me.  Not in a made up version of me that exists to keep someone else content.
I want to be seen.  But I don't want to have to wave a flag and shoot off a flare.  I am a very private person.  I am easily put off from sharing my soul.  From baring my pains.
But this much I know.....Jesus loves me.  He KNOWS me.  Knows my name.  My inner workings.  And He gets me.  And He doesn't expect me to throw away who He made.
Who I am can make a very lonely day.  But, also can make deep, meaningful connections.  Without pretense. I am a very committed person.  I am full of confidence...but not pride.  I want to figure this out.  I want to be seen.
grace to you.