Just nine hours away. 2012. Here it comes, ready or not. I think that I'm ready. Though I am smart enough to see the difficulty of the trail, I am also strong enough to walk it. I am going to celebrate tonight with friends and family the successful ending of a year. I am going to celebrate wellness and emotional health that is growing with each passing week. Though I guess that much of my life is pretense. But, maybe it's not if I know what is real. If I simply choose a life that moves forward and doesn't pull others down. I like peace. Calm.
I know that the new year will bring some necessary changes.
I know that I get to decide. But, then again, so does he.
I guess I dread that in that I know how miserable he can make me. And I know that I have to be strong enough to do it without family to hold me up. Without the TLC that comes from being known for who you are...or were....and held even if you aren't in the right, but just because you belong.
I want to be real. And I want to be kind. Both. Not one or the other. I seem to be rather failing on both fronts. Such is my current reality.
I have spoken more words than I think that I've ever spoken before. And....I actually feel heard. It helps. But, evenso, I know that I need to be careful. That I need to be aware of what I am saying and doing.
He is not all bad. He is not all evil. He is not totally responsible. He says he loves me. But it's in a needy way. In a way where I am responsible for him. Where I have to make things right for him.
I can't. Or am unwilling. But, really, I am not able. Not when I'm being me. What he loves about me is that I have always been willing to sacrifice. To make him feel good. To speak highly. I can understand his sense of loss. But he is not willing to see what losses I have incurred. He maintains that all has been well.
It hurts me so much to be unheard. Unseen. Unknown. I gave up at some point. What's the point of beating myself bloody on a locked door?
But this new year holds endless possibility. I intend to run into it gleefully. I do not carry these burdens alone. I am not alone. I am seen. I am loved. I matter.
grace to you.
I know that the new year will bring some necessary changes.
I know that I get to decide. But, then again, so does he.
I guess I dread that in that I know how miserable he can make me. And I know that I have to be strong enough to do it without family to hold me up. Without the TLC that comes from being known for who you are...or were....and held even if you aren't in the right, but just because you belong.
I want to be real. And I want to be kind. Both. Not one or the other. I seem to be rather failing on both fronts. Such is my current reality.
I have spoken more words than I think that I've ever spoken before. And....I actually feel heard. It helps. But, evenso, I know that I need to be careful. That I need to be aware of what I am saying and doing.
He is not all bad. He is not all evil. He is not totally responsible. He says he loves me. But it's in a needy way. In a way where I am responsible for him. Where I have to make things right for him.
I can't. Or am unwilling. But, really, I am not able. Not when I'm being me. What he loves about me is that I have always been willing to sacrifice. To make him feel good. To speak highly. I can understand his sense of loss. But he is not willing to see what losses I have incurred. He maintains that all has been well.
It hurts me so much to be unheard. Unseen. Unknown. I gave up at some point. What's the point of beating myself bloody on a locked door?
But this new year holds endless possibility. I intend to run into it gleefully. I do not carry these burdens alone. I am not alone. I am seen. I am loved. I matter.
grace to you.
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