Can't tell you how many times I've heard that "happy" isn't the point. That it is not what to shoot for in life. And the thing is that I understand what they mean. That my happiness does not override what needs to be done. It does not override who needs to be served. However, I am coming to a place in my life that I realize that part of being an adult is being able to be happy while doing the things that need to be done. I don't have to be entertained to be happy. But, it's ok for me to expect the certain things that make me happy. Because I am happy when I feel secure. When I feel loved. When I feel at peace. Yes...when I feel....loving isn't enough if the recipient doesn't get the message. Doesn't matter what is in someone's heart and soul if they never bend from their own wants and desires to make me know that they love me. That's what I've come to know. A sense of self is important when being loved and loving...but a sense of selfishness doesn't work. It's easier for him to tell me that I shouldn't pursue happiness than to find the way to put a smile in my heart. To meet my need. To see me. Instead of giving, he has always made me bend to change what I need to keep him comfortable. At the same time, expecting me to do what makes him content and happy.
Strangely, this realization brings me a sense of peace. Answers that I'm not crazy. That though he can say he loves me, it doesn't make it so. Understanding doesn't bring an end to the pain and wishing, but it does salve the self loathing. That I wasn't enough. That I didn't give enough.
And, for that, this Christmas Eve Morn......I am HAPPY.
Because I know that I am not hard to please and not hard to make happy. So much so, that I will settle for way too little. That I have bent and changed to make him happy. My mistake. I didn't mean to do it. But I am going about rectifying it.
Because happy to me is a sense of peace and contentment in my soul. The knowing that comes from feeling secure. And having known it in other places in my life, I'm not sure why I allowed my marriage to get so far from it.
But, tonight is Christmas Eve. And against all probability....I am happy.
grace to you.
Strangely, this realization brings me a sense of peace. Answers that I'm not crazy. That though he can say he loves me, it doesn't make it so. Understanding doesn't bring an end to the pain and wishing, but it does salve the self loathing. That I wasn't enough. That I didn't give enough.
And, for that, this Christmas Eve Morn......I am HAPPY.
Because I know that I am not hard to please and not hard to make happy. So much so, that I will settle for way too little. That I have bent and changed to make him happy. My mistake. I didn't mean to do it. But I am going about rectifying it.
Because happy to me is a sense of peace and contentment in my soul. The knowing that comes from feeling secure. And having known it in other places in my life, I'm not sure why I allowed my marriage to get so far from it.
But, tonight is Christmas Eve. And against all probability....I am happy.
grace to you.
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