To those of you in my life who care,
You know who I mean. Those of you who REALLY care. Not because there's something in it for you....though, I hope that I give something back. Not because you are obligated. Not because we're related and you have to. I mean those of you who actually see who I am....flaws, faults, shattered dreams, cussing words, blessings, confusion, answers, pray-er, seeker, hoper, encourager.....who really, really see me. And don't shy away. Don't push away. Don't make tsk tsk sounds. To you, I write this. Though I write it here in anonymity. Funny. A place to bare my heart.....for the deeply good as well as the deeply painful.
Because today I was thinking about how greatly you have blessed my life. How your words come just when I need them most. How you hug me with arms that don't let go. How you join in my rambling, trying to figure it out conversations and don't make me feel like an idiot for not having it worked out before it comes out of my mouth. For seeing my heart. For seeing the good things and being gentle with the bad that you see. But not ignoring it. Not lying about it. Loving me just like I am. Just where I am.
To you, I owe my sanity. I owe thanks to God, because He literally dropped you into my life. Different people, different times. All a gift. To me. To keep me from completely falling apart. And, fall apart I could have. Though most don't even realize it. You do what you do not to keep me sane but because you love me. And that matters. Because you don't try to fix me. It's as if....you actually appreciate me as I am. As messed up and crazy and hurt and fun and unsure and pained and happy.....all rolled into one and you love me. I love that.
And I love how you call me on it when I'm a jerk. But not in a fashion that demands that I change...but in a way that says that you know that I am more. That pulls me back to what I believe and want to be. For reminding me to "not live there anymore." That I get to choose who to be and who to become.
For believing not just in what I do, but who I am. The person that I was made to be. For not shooting me down when I have crazy dreams or hopes. When I speak them aloud, you let me dream or hope.
For your prayers for me. The ongoing blessing that they have brought to my life are indescribable.
For how you love my kids. No matter how they are doing or how they are acting. That is a part of caring for me...as strange as that sounds.
I am so very thankul for you. All of you. Who hold me. You don't even realize that God sent you, your hands, your hearts, your thoughts, your words, to hold me together. You are His blessing to me. His gift. His making sure that I can make it. He knows how tactile I am. How I need to be cared for. And He took care of it.
Oh, I know that I write an awful lot about the blech. The blah blah blah blah blah. Because I have to barf it out. I have to release it in order to get rid of it.
But, I haven't forgotten how blessed I am. How many I have. How much love there is in my life. Disappointed about marriage. Yep. Desperately. But realizing that I do know how to love. I do know how to be loved. And I don't have to fix everything else. Some days, like today, it's good to just revel in the good I've been given in people like you. Blessings on you. From those who have simply commented on this blog to those of you who have spent years walking with me and all of you in between. I am thankful for the gift of you. What a great Christmas gift it is to stop and remember.
grace to you.
You know who I mean. Those of you who REALLY care. Not because there's something in it for you....though, I hope that I give something back. Not because you are obligated. Not because we're related and you have to. I mean those of you who actually see who I am....flaws, faults, shattered dreams, cussing words, blessings, confusion, answers, pray-er, seeker, hoper, encourager.....who really, really see me. And don't shy away. Don't push away. Don't make tsk tsk sounds. To you, I write this. Though I write it here in anonymity. Funny. A place to bare my heart.....for the deeply good as well as the deeply painful.
Because today I was thinking about how greatly you have blessed my life. How your words come just when I need them most. How you hug me with arms that don't let go. How you join in my rambling, trying to figure it out conversations and don't make me feel like an idiot for not having it worked out before it comes out of my mouth. For seeing my heart. For seeing the good things and being gentle with the bad that you see. But not ignoring it. Not lying about it. Loving me just like I am. Just where I am.
To you, I owe my sanity. I owe thanks to God, because He literally dropped you into my life. Different people, different times. All a gift. To me. To keep me from completely falling apart. And, fall apart I could have. Though most don't even realize it. You do what you do not to keep me sane but because you love me. And that matters. Because you don't try to fix me. It's as if....you actually appreciate me as I am. As messed up and crazy and hurt and fun and unsure and pained and happy.....all rolled into one and you love me. I love that.
And I love how you call me on it when I'm a jerk. But not in a fashion that demands that I change...but in a way that says that you know that I am more. That pulls me back to what I believe and want to be. For reminding me to "not live there anymore." That I get to choose who to be and who to become.
For believing not just in what I do, but who I am. The person that I was made to be. For not shooting me down when I have crazy dreams or hopes. When I speak them aloud, you let me dream or hope.
For your prayers for me. The ongoing blessing that they have brought to my life are indescribable.
For how you love my kids. No matter how they are doing or how they are acting. That is a part of caring for me...as strange as that sounds.
I am so very thankul for you. All of you. Who hold me. You don't even realize that God sent you, your hands, your hearts, your thoughts, your words, to hold me together. You are His blessing to me. His gift. His making sure that I can make it. He knows how tactile I am. How I need to be cared for. And He took care of it.
Oh, I know that I write an awful lot about the blech. The blah blah blah blah blah. Because I have to barf it out. I have to release it in order to get rid of it.
But, I haven't forgotten how blessed I am. How many I have. How much love there is in my life. Disappointed about marriage. Yep. Desperately. But realizing that I do know how to love. I do know how to be loved. And I don't have to fix everything else. Some days, like today, it's good to just revel in the good I've been given in people like you. Blessings on you. From those who have simply commented on this blog to those of you who have spent years walking with me and all of you in between. I am thankful for the gift of you. What a great Christmas gift it is to stop and remember.
grace to you.
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