it's never ever ever too late.
live.
breathe.
choose.
follow your maker.
on the path that he leads.
don't be afraid.
it's never too late.
starting over again takes courage.
but it brings life
Saturday, June 30, 2012
thankful habit
i have begun a habit. i have always believed that being thankful is healthy and good. that it honors god. that it brings health to body and mind. but, i am trying a new thing. stopping in my day and listing 12 things that i am thankful for right then. aloud...if appropriate...because hearing is a good way to let it soak in.
i want my heart to be thankful. not just because of a habit....i want the habit to come from what is inside. an attitude. a way of life.
i want to be a thankful being. because everything and everyone that is....is a gift. i didn't make anything. god did. i didn't give myself talents. god did. i didn't give myself the ability to pursue them. god did.
now, i do choose things as well. but he even gave me CHOICE. it's marvelous. every good and perfect gift comes from the lord of light, the god of love. EVERY one.
i am blessed. i am alive. i can breathe. i am able to think. i have a home. i have hot water. i have pillows. i have sunflowers blooming. i have well water. i am content. i am safe. i am loved. i have a new rug. i have a fan to keep me cool. i have a dog to make me feel less alone. the list goes on and on easily. it's not hard. it's nt just special things. it's about EVERY thing.
blessings.
i want my heart to be thankful. not just because of a habit....i want the habit to come from what is inside. an attitude. a way of life.
i want to be a thankful being. because everything and everyone that is....is a gift. i didn't make anything. god did. i didn't give myself talents. god did. i didn't give myself the ability to pursue them. god did.
now, i do choose things as well. but he even gave me CHOICE. it's marvelous. every good and perfect gift comes from the lord of light, the god of love. EVERY one.
i am blessed. i am alive. i can breathe. i am able to think. i have a home. i have hot water. i have pillows. i have sunflowers blooming. i have well water. i am content. i am safe. i am loved. i have a new rug. i have a fan to keep me cool. i have a dog to make me feel less alone. the list goes on and on easily. it's not hard. it's nt just special things. it's about EVERY thing.
blessings.
Here I Be
kids out of town. one here, but housesitting for someone. and working. one friend out of town. another with family plans. and here i am. it's not yet 8pm....and i'm in my jammies. not unhappy about it either. it's an ok place to be.
i got the first of the month check early from my ex. he included an extra $300 to pay his $190 towards running shoes and the rest was for "bills". great. sounds so nice, right? but i've paid his cell phone AND car insurance on two cars for three months. um. not enough. and the thing is...he's still not doing anything about it. he says, "i'll give you some money." he doesn't address what i ask him to do. i ask him to change his mail. he asks me to deliver his mail to him. he simply won't do things. he maintains a sense of control. because he knows something about me......that i'm patient. that i'm kind. that i let him walk all over me. yikes. how do i stop???? it's so hard. but it's on me to do.
i'm having a hard time with those little logistics. seemingly small. but very irritating. very troubling.
so...a night alone. kinda tired. didn't sleep well. have my daughter's dog snuggling with me in my very tiny bed. not so comfy. ;) but, comforting, i think.
i am learning to be with me. to be still to not worry but simply do things one at a time.
someone asked me recently if i will move when the kids are out of school. i don't know. but there is a likelihood, i think. guess we'll see where i am business wise and career wise. see what the house market is like. i think that at some point i owe it to myself to follow some of my dreams. to write. to live by the ocean. to choose.
someday. but today...i'm just enjoying the now. this quiet. though it's hard too. learning again that i don't have family to call me nor to visit. that my future life could be very much like this. my kids will be busy. i have to learn to sit in this place. to be ok in it.
and....i think that i will be.
blessings.
i got the first of the month check early from my ex. he included an extra $300 to pay his $190 towards running shoes and the rest was for "bills". great. sounds so nice, right? but i've paid his cell phone AND car insurance on two cars for three months. um. not enough. and the thing is...he's still not doing anything about it. he says, "i'll give you some money." he doesn't address what i ask him to do. i ask him to change his mail. he asks me to deliver his mail to him. he simply won't do things. he maintains a sense of control. because he knows something about me......that i'm patient. that i'm kind. that i let him walk all over me. yikes. how do i stop???? it's so hard. but it's on me to do.
i'm having a hard time with those little logistics. seemingly small. but very irritating. very troubling.
so...a night alone. kinda tired. didn't sleep well. have my daughter's dog snuggling with me in my very tiny bed. not so comfy. ;) but, comforting, i think.
i am learning to be with me. to be still to not worry but simply do things one at a time.
someone asked me recently if i will move when the kids are out of school. i don't know. but there is a likelihood, i think. guess we'll see where i am business wise and career wise. see what the house market is like. i think that at some point i owe it to myself to follow some of my dreams. to write. to live by the ocean. to choose.
someday. but today...i'm just enjoying the now. this quiet. though it's hard too. learning again that i don't have family to call me nor to visit. that my future life could be very much like this. my kids will be busy. i have to learn to sit in this place. to be ok in it.
and....i think that i will be.
blessings.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
held
it has been years since i've known that there would be a person that would hold me. comfort me. hug me....for my comfort, not for some kind of gain. i used to have so many friends. so many guy and girl friends. now, it's always awkward to have a sense that i just need a hug. today i am needy. my heart aches. i received a note in the mail from someone at church that is a man who has been a friend, but is now my exes men's group member. and it's ssooo hard. he's praying for me. trusting that god knows my heart and mind. guess that means he doesn't get it. guess that also is a reminder to me that he has heard the exes versions. the ex who is quite the victim. guess that is why i always had to comfort him. take care of him. deal with his stuff and needs.
and here i am. alone. at night. well, not all alone, i've got my doggies here in my bedroom. but i have an aching heart. i guess it's hard for me to do all of the work stuff of parenting and always have him get to do the playing. the thing is that i've always been the parent and he would jump in to critique or to take part when he had time. i'm not sad not to have him. i'm sad not to have had what i should have had in a partner.
and he didn't give me the check for the beginning of the month. maybe it'll be in the mail. maybe not. don't know. and he hasn't changed his phone. nor his mail. nor his insurance. and he refuses to address the issues. expects me to address the issue for him. the thing is that i am so done with fighting. i don't intend to keep on living in that battle. he likes to be passive aggressive. likes to appear the victim. "oh, she cancelled my phone after i pay her that money so regularly."
and now he gets to take the kids and be the victim in front of his family. single father and all that. my ass. he doesn't father. not at all.
but how to get through the part where i just need a hug. where i feel like i need someone to hold on and hold tight. not sure. struggling with that. i'm sure that it will get better.
tonight, i probably have just needed to cry. or get mad. maybe vent. because this hurts. he hurts me. over and over. and then he acts needy and wants me to make it better for him. and i struggle not to. i'm nice. i want to be nice. but he uses me. and that's not ok.
my heavenly father holds me...i know this. and sometimes i feel guilty that i want arms of flesh to hang on tight. maybe it's missing having family. i think so.
and sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever hug me tight again. guess it is what it is.
blessings.
and here i am. alone. at night. well, not all alone, i've got my doggies here in my bedroom. but i have an aching heart. i guess it's hard for me to do all of the work stuff of parenting and always have him get to do the playing. the thing is that i've always been the parent and he would jump in to critique or to take part when he had time. i'm not sad not to have him. i'm sad not to have had what i should have had in a partner.
and he didn't give me the check for the beginning of the month. maybe it'll be in the mail. maybe not. don't know. and he hasn't changed his phone. nor his mail. nor his insurance. and he refuses to address the issues. expects me to address the issue for him. the thing is that i am so done with fighting. i don't intend to keep on living in that battle. he likes to be passive aggressive. likes to appear the victim. "oh, she cancelled my phone after i pay her that money so regularly."
and now he gets to take the kids and be the victim in front of his family. single father and all that. my ass. he doesn't father. not at all.
but how to get through the part where i just need a hug. where i feel like i need someone to hold on and hold tight. not sure. struggling with that. i'm sure that it will get better.
tonight, i probably have just needed to cry. or get mad. maybe vent. because this hurts. he hurts me. over and over. and then he acts needy and wants me to make it better for him. and i struggle not to. i'm nice. i want to be nice. but he uses me. and that's not ok.
my heavenly father holds me...i know this. and sometimes i feel guilty that i want arms of flesh to hang on tight. maybe it's missing having family. i think so.
and sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever hug me tight again. guess it is what it is.
blessings.
uniquely me
sometimes i struggle. i fuss. i worry. i wonder. i muse. because sometimes it's hard being me. i am kinda different. kinda a pain. kinda just not out of the same old mold. i spent much of my marriage trying to find how to fit in. how to make things work easier for him...or for others. and in this aftermath time, i am finding that i have to rediscover what it is to be uniquely me. not me making it good for everyone. not me fitting in to make all ok. just....me.
it's harder than it sounds. sometimes i don't even realize how much i was changed. and frankly, some for the good. rough edges get rubbed off and all of that. but, some for the bad. that i lost the thrill of loving what i love. i am easily amused. i love beauty. i am inspired by the glow of the moon or the setting of the sun. i marvel at a flower opening. really.
i like adventures. sometimes they are in my own home. sometimes they are far away. i like having a hope or dream and working towards it. from painting a room to traveling to foreign lands. doesn't matter....what matters to me is taking that journey from hope to fruition.
i guess that i am struggling today. hard to know what my kids might hear. being different is not ok with my husband's family. and i am different than them.
and frankly, i feel lonely already. and yet, though it's going to be hard, i know that it's also a gift. and i will try to look at it that way. after i have my cry and am ready to move on.
i am uniquely me. the only one. and you are uniquely you. if we don't take our places in the world as the people we were made to be, the world will be lacking. you might be the inspiration for someone else.
uniquely. one of a kind. different. special. ;)
blessings.
it's harder than it sounds. sometimes i don't even realize how much i was changed. and frankly, some for the good. rough edges get rubbed off and all of that. but, some for the bad. that i lost the thrill of loving what i love. i am easily amused. i love beauty. i am inspired by the glow of the moon or the setting of the sun. i marvel at a flower opening. really.
i like adventures. sometimes they are in my own home. sometimes they are far away. i like having a hope or dream and working towards it. from painting a room to traveling to foreign lands. doesn't matter....what matters to me is taking that journey from hope to fruition.
i guess that i am struggling today. hard to know what my kids might hear. being different is not ok with my husband's family. and i am different than them.
and frankly, i feel lonely already. and yet, though it's going to be hard, i know that it's also a gift. and i will try to look at it that way. after i have my cry and am ready to move on.
i am uniquely me. the only one. and you are uniquely you. if we don't take our places in the world as the people we were made to be, the world will be lacking. you might be the inspiration for someone else.
uniquely. one of a kind. different. special. ;)
blessings.
"Blood will Never Lose Its Power" Selah
The words give me strength to make it a little further. I love how He reaches to me in so many different ways. blessings.
Ask
Father,
I have come to you so often on behalf of my kids. Though my relationship with my husband's family is not great, though my mother in law makes it very painful....I have always desired and prayed for my kids to have something better. I'm coming again today. Asking. For them. That this trip to TX will be a blessing to them. That they will be spared from any of the drama. That it will be time to feel treasured. I don't want them to feel pumped for information. That has happened too many times....and in this time, I don't want it to hurt them when they are already fragile. and I don't want them to feel pushed to protect me or my reputation. I am concerned. I am also happy that they are getting to go. Though I will miss them greatly, I know personally how good it is to have grandparents that love you. I desire that for them. For them to feel it and know it.
But I'm asking you to make this trip safe for them. To make their father strong enough not to be a victim while he's there. Help them not to have to feel like the strong ones. Let them get to be the kids.
Whatever they face though...I know that you will be with them. I know that you will hold them. I know that you adore them and understand them.
thank you for hearing the words I can't even get out. For hearing my mama's heart. This is hard.
amen.
I have come to you so often on behalf of my kids. Though my relationship with my husband's family is not great, though my mother in law makes it very painful....I have always desired and prayed for my kids to have something better. I'm coming again today. Asking. For them. That this trip to TX will be a blessing to them. That they will be spared from any of the drama. That it will be time to feel treasured. I don't want them to feel pumped for information. That has happened too many times....and in this time, I don't want it to hurt them when they are already fragile. and I don't want them to feel pushed to protect me or my reputation. I am concerned. I am also happy that they are getting to go. Though I will miss them greatly, I know personally how good it is to have grandparents that love you. I desire that for them. For them to feel it and know it.
But I'm asking you to make this trip safe for them. To make their father strong enough not to be a victim while he's there. Help them not to have to feel like the strong ones. Let them get to be the kids.
Whatever they face though...I know that you will be with them. I know that you will hold them. I know that you adore them and understand them.
thank you for hearing the words I can't even get out. For hearing my mama's heart. This is hard.
amen.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
clean it up.
way too easy to
live in a state of
shame
regret
fear
anger
meanness
unthankfulness
unforgiveness
and yet
not easy at all.
takes up all of the energy
takes up all of the time
takes away all of the
joy
and peace.
so,
choose.
yes, that's right,
CHOOSE.
choose who and what you will serve.
choose how you will live.
choose how you will respond.
or not respond.
choose what battles will always be worth fighting.
and which are unworthy.
give time to others.
and to yourself.
and as for those who did, are doing, or might do you wrong?
move along.
the world is a big place.
the journey for each is varied.
there is no reason to allow
others to determine how you will live.
even when they are mean.
unkind.
selfish.
abusive.
fake.
and certainly,
don't take them along
in your baggage.
leave the baggage.
leave the hurtful words.
leave it.
just like a dog with a dead squirrel,
you'll be drawn to it
for some inexplicable reason.
but, it's not good for you.
so,
leave it.
with god.
in the past.
let go.
you don't have to fix it.
you don't have to be mean
or unkind so that everyone
will see and know
how hurt you were.
you know.
and you know what you want to be.
who you want to be.
learn to live there.
without the ickiness.
therein
will be not only happiness...
but joy,
love,
peace,
kindness,
gentleness,
faithfulness,
patience,
goodness and
self control.
therein will be
god.
blessings.
Dish Fairy
You know how good it feels to get a present, right? But somehow, the little things that people do for you when it's not your birthday or another holiday.....mean so much.
A friend did my dishes and tidied my kitchen last night. It was touching. I didn't have it in me to do anymore. I was just about over the edge emotionally. But she swept in there and knocked it out. My daughter helped too. Speaking of which, my daughter rocks my world that way often.
It's little things that touch deep inside. That make us know that we are treasured.
You see, I know that my friend was tired too. I know that she has her own kitchen and own messes to clean. So...that act....was so selfless. So very nice.
I am blessed.
A friend did my dishes and tidied my kitchen last night. It was touching. I didn't have it in me to do anymore. I was just about over the edge emotionally. But she swept in there and knocked it out. My daughter helped too. Speaking of which, my daughter rocks my world that way often.
It's little things that touch deep inside. That make us know that we are treasured.
You see, I know that my friend was tired too. I know that she has her own kitchen and own messes to clean. So...that act....was so selfless. So very nice.
I am blessed.
Monday, June 25, 2012
i am enough....with jesus ;)
today was hard.
weird things can simply be too much.
like having to find a diploma.
my son needs his suddenly.
and it was most likely in the drawers of the
dresser that i had to empty all over the floor
when my husband moved out.
i wanted him to take the dresser he
had been using.
but wasn't happening.
so, i had to go empty the dresser that
had all of the art and keepsakes and photos.
and then i had to clear out the dresser
he had been using
of the things he left.
it was hard.
and then last week
i had to go through the stuff and box it up.
soooo....
somehow....
though it's stupid as can be
that just kicked my butt.
i nearly bawled.
and you know what?
there's nobody to tell.
there's nobody to say
"there there sweetie."
it was just so stinking hard.
crying now.
that's probably what i needed to just do.
things like that just slam me.
into a brick wall.
and i feel bruised.
used.
hurt.
and i have no way to let people know
or to make them understand
because it just sounds
dumb.
but it's not.
i'm not dumb.
and i'm strong.
and with jesus,
i am enough.
just like i am.
and i will solve the problem of the diploma
as i have solved so many problems.
and i am going to choose
to sparkle.
to shine.
to twinkle.
because life...
though some things are hard...
life is a gift.
and i want to love it.
blessings.
very nice family
people post their family photos. husband. wife. kids. grandkids. dogs. etc. and people comment how they have such a great family. how they have done such a good job raising those kids. you know the kind. and as i saw one of the saints commenting on multiple such photos, i wondered, will i..or others...with our fractured families and broken hearts get to be included in such accolades? or are we now exempt? failures. not allowed to be commended.
i don't really mind, i just want to be sensitive to people. to see them. for the family they have. i hope that i have been. i know that i will be.
be blessed.
i don't really mind, i just want to be sensitive to people. to see them. for the family they have. i hope that i have been. i know that i will be.
be blessed.
going back to go forward.
Have you ever been on a trip where you realize that you not only have gone the wrong way, but that to get where you want to go, you have to go back.....so you can go forward? Road construction. Floods. Blizzards. Earthquakes. Mudslides. Windstorms. Tornadoes. All unanticipated. But, factual. They happen. We don't sit around and worry every time we are going on a trip that we will be thwarted. We simply take it as it comes.
It's like that in life.
This last week, I had a dream. A bad dream. It caught me off guard because it's really the first bad dream I've had since he moved out. At least that I am recalling at the moment. I sleep pretty well. I awaken early, but it's not because of bad stuff....it's just habit and having lots to do. But, right before I went to sleep, I excitedly checked my email just to see if there were any responses to some homes that I am looking at for vacation. But alas, it was an email from him. The ex. My body clenched. My vision swam. I was cold....and it was HOT. That was before I had even opened it. Sad, huh? But, I opened it. Responded. Did what I needed to do. Read a book. Fell asleep. And had a bad dream.
A bad dream about that night from hell. That night when I knew that I don't trust him at all. That he chooses him. I experienced the terror of that night. I was there again. But though it shook me. Though it was hard. It was good to go back. Because it let me see that that is not where I am anymore. But, I did regress some. I was back to wanting to be in my wee little bed where nobody can "surprise" me. It doesn't even make rational sense, but it comforts me. A bed from my grandpa's house. A bed that I slept in and felt safe and secure. Somehow, it helps me.
But, I think that I had to go back so that I can go forward. I had to see that I'm not weak or just needing to hurry up. There were things that harmed me to my very center. And I am allowed to take time to get better. I am needing to be nice to myself about it.
I don't get to talk about it much. I don't guess I want to that much. Because people could really hurt me by not getting it. That's just where I am. But I need to do good self talk. I need to do good praying. :) As if there's bad praying. I need to remember that I didn't travel a short distance, I traveled far and it's work to go back....but I must go back to go forward. Face each fear and pain and claim victory in some manner of speaking. Because I don't intend to stay in the tsuname that had become my world. I intend to get where I am supposed to go via a different route. Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, it's taking time. Yes, I get weary. But, I also get excited. Nothing like the adventures of a road trip to remember how amazing God is.
So, I was dragged back by a dream. Smacked hard. But, I am willingly and intentionally changing course. And along the way, I will pass the monsters that plagued me. But the victory is sure. My Father goes before me. He doesn't lift me out of life. But He offers strength and hope and peace. I'm taking Him up on those. And I am heading onward.
By going back....to go forward a different way.
blessings.
It's like that in life.
This last week, I had a dream. A bad dream. It caught me off guard because it's really the first bad dream I've had since he moved out. At least that I am recalling at the moment. I sleep pretty well. I awaken early, but it's not because of bad stuff....it's just habit and having lots to do. But, right before I went to sleep, I excitedly checked my email just to see if there were any responses to some homes that I am looking at for vacation. But alas, it was an email from him. The ex. My body clenched. My vision swam. I was cold....and it was HOT. That was before I had even opened it. Sad, huh? But, I opened it. Responded. Did what I needed to do. Read a book. Fell asleep. And had a bad dream.
A bad dream about that night from hell. That night when I knew that I don't trust him at all. That he chooses him. I experienced the terror of that night. I was there again. But though it shook me. Though it was hard. It was good to go back. Because it let me see that that is not where I am anymore. But, I did regress some. I was back to wanting to be in my wee little bed where nobody can "surprise" me. It doesn't even make rational sense, but it comforts me. A bed from my grandpa's house. A bed that I slept in and felt safe and secure. Somehow, it helps me.
But, I think that I had to go back so that I can go forward. I had to see that I'm not weak or just needing to hurry up. There were things that harmed me to my very center. And I am allowed to take time to get better. I am needing to be nice to myself about it.
I don't get to talk about it much. I don't guess I want to that much. Because people could really hurt me by not getting it. That's just where I am. But I need to do good self talk. I need to do good praying. :) As if there's bad praying. I need to remember that I didn't travel a short distance, I traveled far and it's work to go back....but I must go back to go forward. Face each fear and pain and claim victory in some manner of speaking. Because I don't intend to stay in the tsuname that had become my world. I intend to get where I am supposed to go via a different route. Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, it's taking time. Yes, I get weary. But, I also get excited. Nothing like the adventures of a road trip to remember how amazing God is.
So, I was dragged back by a dream. Smacked hard. But, I am willingly and intentionally changing course. And along the way, I will pass the monsters that plagued me. But the victory is sure. My Father goes before me. He doesn't lift me out of life. But He offers strength and hope and peace. I'm taking Him up on those. And I am heading onward.
By going back....to go forward a different way.
blessings.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Sudden Memories
Today at work, someone was talking about something....could't tell you what...but it triggered this memory from a couple of years ago when he said that I was only with him for his money. Ouch. Really? I had completely forgotten. Most things, I realize that I have let go. But sometimes, in those moments, they sneak back up on me. Surprising me with the strength of the emotion. How hurtful that was. How unkind. HIS money? Wow. I owned a better car than him when we married....which we sold/traded to get our first mini van. I had the money that we used for the down payment to buy our first home. I was employed months before him when we got married. I inherited the home we lived in. I had the grandparents who gave us cheap rent before that. I get that he went to work. I always was thankful and made a point to tell the kids how good that was. But what he never got was that it was team work. That without me at home, he wouldn't be able to afford someone ot do what I did.
It's not over. The mourning. The intense emotions. But it is better. Being apart is better. Being apart means that I don't live in a negative place where I'm always trying to fight the bitterness. The horrible feeling that I just want it to be over.
Life is going on. At least for me. At least for the kids. I hope that it does for him too.
blessings.
It's not over. The mourning. The intense emotions. But it is better. Being apart is better. Being apart means that I don't live in a negative place where I'm always trying to fight the bitterness. The horrible feeling that I just want it to be over.
Life is going on. At least for me. At least for the kids. I hope that it does for him too.
blessings.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
True Treasures
I have been a table leader at my temp job. Seven souls look to me for answers and direction regarding our project. I was dragged into doing it. Yet, it has been fulfilling. God always knows what He has for me. I am learning to relax into it. Kinda like the trust walk.....knowing that He'll never lead me into the mud or smash me into a wall...unlike my son who took me on a "trust" walk in sixth grade.
The people at my table have become treasures in my heart. They have made my job easy. They have been fun. And yet, today, they gave me so much kindness. One told me, "I think that you are going to be a great teacher, I can see how you'll be with the kids. They got themselves a keeper." Another told me, "I want you to know if you ever want to come to my sun porch and rest and have lunch, I'd love to have you. And if you ever need someone to talk, I've gotta good ear." Another told me how fun I had made it. I was so...encouraged. And I began to reflect as I sat at my station. To ponder how the greatest treasures that are given are kind words. Encouragement. And being in the presence of a gentle soul.
I have been blessed. By something I was scared of. But by being there, by getting out of my comfort zone, by rising to the challenge, by choosing to take the breath and dive into the water....I have been changed for the good. I have been empowered by their strength and insight. I have been uplifted by their words and actions. I have laughed so hard that I snorted...yes...in a quiet room. Library quiet.
I am changing. A friend asked me today if I was confident enough to wear certain things. If I felt good about how I look. She claims that we just don't. That feeling good about personality is good enough. No. It isn't. I am determined. I am resolute. I WILL love the body I'm in. Just how it is. And I will love babying it. And nurturing it. And nourishing it. And seeing it change as I heal. But I will no longer choose the party line of hating my body. Or feeling less than enough.
I can walk. And talk. And skip. And dance. And sing. And twirl. I can eat. And laugh. And giggle. And stretch. My body does SO much for me. I need to remember that and stop being so quick to think of ways to hide it or make fun of it. My body is a gift to me. A treasure of it's own. With energy. And a need for rest. It teaches me about balance. It is the only one I get, so I might as well figure out how to love it. God obviously knew what it would grow to be. He's not surprised nor repulsed. He sees me naked.....in every way. And says, "look at that, just how I imagined her." Beloved. Can I really believe it? If I keep focusing on it. Keep leaning that direction. Keep seeing what is good and excellent and worthy of praise. Or....I can focus on the things that aren't model like. But, like the furniture I adore, the most beautiful thing is to accentuate the dings and cracks. To bring them forward and to show the healing. It's beautiful in people too. And THAT'S the kind of beautiful person I want to be.
Thankful for the treasures of my week. Of my life. I have been granted many.
blessings.
The people at my table have become treasures in my heart. They have made my job easy. They have been fun. And yet, today, they gave me so much kindness. One told me, "I think that you are going to be a great teacher, I can see how you'll be with the kids. They got themselves a keeper." Another told me, "I want you to know if you ever want to come to my sun porch and rest and have lunch, I'd love to have you. And if you ever need someone to talk, I've gotta good ear." Another told me how fun I had made it. I was so...encouraged. And I began to reflect as I sat at my station. To ponder how the greatest treasures that are given are kind words. Encouragement. And being in the presence of a gentle soul.
I have been blessed. By something I was scared of. But by being there, by getting out of my comfort zone, by rising to the challenge, by choosing to take the breath and dive into the water....I have been changed for the good. I have been empowered by their strength and insight. I have been uplifted by their words and actions. I have laughed so hard that I snorted...yes...in a quiet room. Library quiet.
I am changing. A friend asked me today if I was confident enough to wear certain things. If I felt good about how I look. She claims that we just don't. That feeling good about personality is good enough. No. It isn't. I am determined. I am resolute. I WILL love the body I'm in. Just how it is. And I will love babying it. And nurturing it. And nourishing it. And seeing it change as I heal. But I will no longer choose the party line of hating my body. Or feeling less than enough.
I can walk. And talk. And skip. And dance. And sing. And twirl. I can eat. And laugh. And giggle. And stretch. My body does SO much for me. I need to remember that and stop being so quick to think of ways to hide it or make fun of it. My body is a gift to me. A treasure of it's own. With energy. And a need for rest. It teaches me about balance. It is the only one I get, so I might as well figure out how to love it. God obviously knew what it would grow to be. He's not surprised nor repulsed. He sees me naked.....in every way. And says, "look at that, just how I imagined her." Beloved. Can I really believe it? If I keep focusing on it. Keep leaning that direction. Keep seeing what is good and excellent and worthy of praise. Or....I can focus on the things that aren't model like. But, like the furniture I adore, the most beautiful thing is to accentuate the dings and cracks. To bring them forward and to show the healing. It's beautiful in people too. And THAT'S the kind of beautiful person I want to be.
Thankful for the treasures of my week. Of my life. I have been granted many.
blessings.
Seek and you will find......
Seek and you will find....so be careful what you seek. If you keep a heart full of bitterness and meanness, then that is what you will find in your world. But if you choose love, kindness, gentleness, and compassion, then that is what you will find. No, I don't mean that your mindset will determine how others behave. Your mindset will determine what you decide to make the focus of your life. Choose things that are worthy of praise, not things that are to complain about.
This struck me today as I was noticing such amazing things about people. It lifted me up. I was at work and I was joyously considering how each person was gifted differently. How each functioned and learned, differently. And it occurred to me how I get to choose what to set my mind on. That I get to choose what I seek. And that I need to be really careful. Without care, my mind can lead me to see the bad or negative. But with care, I can focus on good. I can accentuate it....if only because it's what I choose to expect and look for.
I spent so long in such a negative environment. I got so sucked into that. It is very freeing in this moment to be unwrapping some of those grave clothes. Stepping forward. Kind of in shock a little. Today, a friend nearly knocked me back...with "well, you know, I hate to see any marriage end, but it's not that I don't want you to be happy." I felt sucker punched. I wanted to melt. But then....I didn't. Because what she thinks is a direct result of lack of information. And that has been my choice. To not bad mouth. To not bash. To not exhaust the subject. But it makes it harder on me. But...not really. Because what people think doesn't really matter. I have to get over it. And get on with it. I have to look forward to the One who goes ahead. Who calls me to life. Who tells me to seek Him. Because therein is life. Real living.
Does it hurt that nobody really got the significance of these moments? Sure. But it doesn't diminish it just because they don't walk the feelings with me. I can't cause anyone to get it. Not without dishonoring who I want to be. So I'll just take breaths. In and out. And remember...they can love me and not get it.
I am finding what is beautiful. Because I am seeking it. And it satisfies.
blessings.
This struck me today as I was noticing such amazing things about people. It lifted me up. I was at work and I was joyously considering how each person was gifted differently. How each functioned and learned, differently. And it occurred to me how I get to choose what to set my mind on. That I get to choose what I seek. And that I need to be really careful. Without care, my mind can lead me to see the bad or negative. But with care, I can focus on good. I can accentuate it....if only because it's what I choose to expect and look for.
I spent so long in such a negative environment. I got so sucked into that. It is very freeing in this moment to be unwrapping some of those grave clothes. Stepping forward. Kind of in shock a little. Today, a friend nearly knocked me back...with "well, you know, I hate to see any marriage end, but it's not that I don't want you to be happy." I felt sucker punched. I wanted to melt. But then....I didn't. Because what she thinks is a direct result of lack of information. And that has been my choice. To not bad mouth. To not bash. To not exhaust the subject. But it makes it harder on me. But...not really. Because what people think doesn't really matter. I have to get over it. And get on with it. I have to look forward to the One who goes ahead. Who calls me to life. Who tells me to seek Him. Because therein is life. Real living.
Does it hurt that nobody really got the significance of these moments? Sure. But it doesn't diminish it just because they don't walk the feelings with me. I can't cause anyone to get it. Not without dishonoring who I want to be. So I'll just take breaths. In and out. And remember...they can love me and not get it.
I am finding what is beautiful. Because I am seeking it. And it satisfies.
blessings.
find your balance
with children.
with friends.
with dreams.
with spouses.
with exes.
with stuff.
with family.
you've gotta hold on.
and you've gotta let go.
because you don't have to be in control.
neither do i.
you can love.
and enjoy.
and care.
but you can't change people.
you can't change circumstances...
well, except by removing
YOURSELF.
seems to me like
people get all wrapped up in holding on
because sometimes they think that
they can
do it better
or more right
than someone else.
happens a lot in how we deal with our teens.
only ONE that we can hold onto
be completely safe.
know that we can't control.
And He reminds us
let go.
hold on.
it's all about balance.
about timing.
about patience.
about knowing
that God has it all
and we don't have to carry it
we just get to
point to Him
and say,
"isn't HE amazing!"
we don't carry the world.
or even our families.
why do we act like we do?
i think because
we're
IMBALANCED.
time for an alignment.
blessings.
Monday, June 18, 2012
stronger than i know
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-strength-25-encouraging-scripture-quotes/#ixzz1yBz9bR5n
He is with me. Period. Every day. And His is the strength that I feel. Holding me. Undergirding me. In my moments of not knowing. Not knowing how or what to do. He is my answers. He is all that I need. And He sends such nice people into my life. Regularly and with great compassion. I know that He sees my aching heart. And that He aches with me.
I'm not at all sad that I'm done. Just so sad about the fact that he just never gets it. That he has a way of pulling me in. Of acting all nice, but then, I realize again that he still doesn't really do what he says. Always the victim. Or, rather, behaves like a victim. That's how Friday went. He behaved as if he was wronged. He didn't want to pursue this. It wasn't his idea. He behaves as if he's being so kind to grant this to me. And...he is. Because it's what is necessary.
Read a quote today "life is a shipwreck, but we mustn't forget to sing in the lifeboats." And that's the thing. Life IS messy. But there ARE lifeboats. And, instead of grumping about the shipwreck, I want to be someone who is thankful and singing and praising because a Lifeboat was already prepared.
I've always carried so much on my own in my marriage. But now, something has changed with my friends. I call and don't hear back. And some of them just don't call at all. So, I'm having to adapt and adjust. It's hard. But it's not impossible. And I know that it's just a season. Things will iron out soon. Everyone will again find the groove. Including me. I feel awkward. Not sure what to share. What not to share. How to let them know that I am good at singing in the lifeboat....but that there indeed HAS been a shipwreck in my life. My stress numbers are high. Yet, mostly, I am calm. Peaceful. Hopeful. Taking one thing at a time.
My handyman came to change my breaker today because I decided that it was too stressful for me to face. He came. He taught me how to do it. ;) And he did it for free! So blessed. I don't get paid until Thursday and this new pay schedule is making it hard on me. Yet, God knew and met my need. Of course, the diagnosis is that it's the water heater itself and NOT the breaker...but still.....again....one thing at a time. I'll get there. Slowly but surely. Always stepping. Always learning Always loved.
I am stronger than I ever realize. And that's pretty cool.
blessings.
He is with me. Period. Every day. And His is the strength that I feel. Holding me. Undergirding me. In my moments of not knowing. Not knowing how or what to do. He is my answers. He is all that I need. And He sends such nice people into my life. Regularly and with great compassion. I know that He sees my aching heart. And that He aches with me.
I'm not at all sad that I'm done. Just so sad about the fact that he just never gets it. That he has a way of pulling me in. Of acting all nice, but then, I realize again that he still doesn't really do what he says. Always the victim. Or, rather, behaves like a victim. That's how Friday went. He behaved as if he was wronged. He didn't want to pursue this. It wasn't his idea. He behaves as if he's being so kind to grant this to me. And...he is. Because it's what is necessary.
Read a quote today "life is a shipwreck, but we mustn't forget to sing in the lifeboats." And that's the thing. Life IS messy. But there ARE lifeboats. And, instead of grumping about the shipwreck, I want to be someone who is thankful and singing and praising because a Lifeboat was already prepared.
I've always carried so much on my own in my marriage. But now, something has changed with my friends. I call and don't hear back. And some of them just don't call at all. So, I'm having to adapt and adjust. It's hard. But it's not impossible. And I know that it's just a season. Things will iron out soon. Everyone will again find the groove. Including me. I feel awkward. Not sure what to share. What not to share. How to let them know that I am good at singing in the lifeboat....but that there indeed HAS been a shipwreck in my life. My stress numbers are high. Yet, mostly, I am calm. Peaceful. Hopeful. Taking one thing at a time.
My handyman came to change my breaker today because I decided that it was too stressful for me to face. He came. He taught me how to do it. ;) And he did it for free! So blessed. I don't get paid until Thursday and this new pay schedule is making it hard on me. Yet, God knew and met my need. Of course, the diagnosis is that it's the water heater itself and NOT the breaker...but still.....again....one thing at a time. I'll get there. Slowly but surely. Always stepping. Always learning Always loved.
I am stronger than I ever realize. And that's pretty cool.
blessings.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
my room
my room is becoming my own. still need a real bed. but i will be patient until i find one that i really want. but. i am. moving. forward. i am cleaning. putting things up. went through so much hard stuff. cards. pictures. just stuff. and yet...i am owning this space. i am growing into a new and different life. slowly. but certainly.
for good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU
to my friends. to those i have been loved by. truly loved. not used. not expected. not forced. just loved. grown together. it has been amazing. it has reached to my soul in such a way that i am a stronger person today than i was. i am able to walk and stand tall. your friendship has changed me for good. it has prepared me for what i need to be and do in the right now. it has been good.
thank you.
and to those of you i don't know.......most of you ;) i hope that you have those who have absolutely changed your very life.
blessings.
to my friends. to those i have been loved by. truly loved. not used. not expected. not forced. just loved. grown together. it has been amazing. it has reached to my soul in such a way that i am a stronger person today than i was. i am able to walk and stand tall. your friendship has changed me for good. it has prepared me for what i need to be and do in the right now. it has been good.
thank you.
and to those of you i don't know.......most of you ;) i hope that you have those who have absolutely changed your very life.
blessings.
on the outside
there was this time in my life that i went through...it was brief, but i remember every feeling associated with it. it was when i transferred colleges and i had the "adjustment" period. i was an outsider looking in. i wasn't included. i didn't have a group. i didn't have family around....it was 1000 miles from home. i didn't have a church home. i didn't fit in because it was a southern belle school...and i am NO southern belle. i didn't drive a beemer nor a mercedes. and, i actually wanted to be there and my parents hadn't forced me. i was an oddity. different. and strangely unseen. nobody reached out. nobody invited me to church. nobody looked out for me. but i made it. i did well in school. i made great friends. i became involved in things that grew me into a well rounded young woman.
and for the first time in many, many years, i feel that sensation again. unseen. i feel like i have people around me but that somehow there's a disconnect. i feel like i can say what i need or want, but i don't get through. like talking under water. and so, it's easier at this point not to say. because it hurts to not be seen. not be heard. and i'm again trying to just make a new life. not to put expectations on others. i don't get how it is that i am simply that way. that i become invisible. but what i know is that all i can do is live my life. i will not become the needy beggar. i don't want to be her. and i won't become the cynical one. i will be open. i will allow hurt. but i will move on. i will find who and how i am supposed to live.
it doesn't mean that i don't have wishes. it doesn't mean that i don't feel it deeply that even in this time, nobody gets it. life just goes on same ole some ole. there are those pesky tears again. how is it that i have made so little impact in the lives of those around me that they don't know or see? i don't know. i'm guessing that it's just because i've been so invisible for so long.
i'll just live through it. that works. i've done it before.
pray for me. that i will be strong. kind. joyous. peaceful. and patient.
blessings.
and for the first time in many, many years, i feel that sensation again. unseen. i feel like i have people around me but that somehow there's a disconnect. i feel like i can say what i need or want, but i don't get through. like talking under water. and so, it's easier at this point not to say. because it hurts to not be seen. not be heard. and i'm again trying to just make a new life. not to put expectations on others. i don't get how it is that i am simply that way. that i become invisible. but what i know is that all i can do is live my life. i will not become the needy beggar. i don't want to be her. and i won't become the cynical one. i will be open. i will allow hurt. but i will move on. i will find who and how i am supposed to live.
it doesn't mean that i don't have wishes. it doesn't mean that i don't feel it deeply that even in this time, nobody gets it. life just goes on same ole some ole. there are those pesky tears again. how is it that i have made so little impact in the lives of those around me that they don't know or see? i don't know. i'm guessing that it's just because i've been so invisible for so long.
i'll just live through it. that works. i've done it before.
pray for me. that i will be strong. kind. joyous. peaceful. and patient.
blessings.
More Hard Stuff
ok, i'm working my way through those boxes that i didn't want to face. my room is torn apart again. this time with an eye toward my own future. not just temporary survival. went through pics and cards and all that goes with it.
so...rough day.
but still.....i have done it. and i am able to breathe. i can't believe how long i couldn't.
and in church i hear how important it is to stay in god's will. and that's exactly where i feel like i am. but i can see that many wouldn't agree. but they didn't walk my life.
i loved deeply. i gave much. it was so one sided. i get that he needed me. desired me to meet his needs. and to make me feel badly for how i did it. somehow that made him feel better. but it wounded me. and no matter how many times i tried to address it, it never helped. he refused to listen. i did have one letter that he apologized. it had been a particularly bad time. and he was awful. i don't feel like it should have been so hard for him to treat kindly someone he loved. but it was.
i read portions of my prayer journals. how much i tried to change me. prayed to be more kind, gentle.....loving. i took responsibility.
ok. well. on to getting some of this cleaned up. a few more hours without my kids. then they'll come home. and i will be more peaceful.
but all in all.....i am proud. because i am strong. strong in the lord.
blessings
so...rough day.
but still.....i have done it. and i am able to breathe. i can't believe how long i couldn't.
and in church i hear how important it is to stay in god's will. and that's exactly where i feel like i am. but i can see that many wouldn't agree. but they didn't walk my life.
i loved deeply. i gave much. it was so one sided. i get that he needed me. desired me to meet his needs. and to make me feel badly for how i did it. somehow that made him feel better. but it wounded me. and no matter how many times i tried to address it, it never helped. he refused to listen. i did have one letter that he apologized. it had been a particularly bad time. and he was awful. i don't feel like it should have been so hard for him to treat kindly someone he loved. but it was.
i read portions of my prayer journals. how much i tried to change me. prayed to be more kind, gentle.....loving. i took responsibility.
ok. well. on to getting some of this cleaned up. a few more hours without my kids. then they'll come home. and i will be more peaceful.
but all in all.....i am proud. because i am strong. strong in the lord.
blessings
A blip
I am learning that what is life altering, hugely changing, painfully grueling and sometimes overwhelming to me....is really only a blip for others. That nobody will know that today is hard for me. No daddy. No grandpa. No man to whom I can run. It has been hard for a long time. But now....I also won't ever have my kids again on this day. Wow. They are such a good part of my life. Such a gift. It's hard to share them. But, I believe that it's best for them still. Being a good mama isn't about just what I need or want, it's seeing each of them for who they are and helping them to get where they need to be.
But with that there is sacrifice. I have had a really hard week. But there's nobody on earth to tell. Nobody who sits and talks and listens about it. It's just too much. Because I know that I would go on forever if I started. The world is a busy place. Friday happened. Now it's done. Move on. I get that. But my heart has to catch up with reality. I have taken care of him for so long. And I am not hard hearted. What I have chosen is HARD. This was not the easy way out. It was the best. It was the way to learning again to serve God. To not live in fear. To not be constantly put down.
Yesterday, my son went garage saling with my ex. They were looking for golf clubs. They found a set for ten bucks. The ex was only willing to give five....so they went away with none. Now, what is interesting is that my kids have bought their dad a really nice used set....for a hundred dollars. I know, right? I guess it just stopped and reminded me how cheap he really is. Not frugal. I mean, he could have gotten the set for one of his sons....because renting costs at least fifteen dollars a time golfing. But he had to get a better deal. It's weird.
My heart is struggling. So much always to do. I almost feel guilty when I rest. ;) But not really. Yesterday I relaxed. Today is going to be quiet. I have cared for the damn chickens. And chicks. Watered. Working on my room. Crying a bit. But it's not horrible. I'll survive.
Just sometimes wish for family. Ok, often. But life is what it is. And it's better than it was.
It's hard not having the ones that are supposed to be there for me. Instead, I always have to be sure that I'm convenient or giving and taking.
Right now...being alone...perhaps is best. Because I've been too needy. And being here allows me to do and be what I need without having to worry about how anyone else feels.
blessings to you. many.
But with that there is sacrifice. I have had a really hard week. But there's nobody on earth to tell. Nobody who sits and talks and listens about it. It's just too much. Because I know that I would go on forever if I started. The world is a busy place. Friday happened. Now it's done. Move on. I get that. But my heart has to catch up with reality. I have taken care of him for so long. And I am not hard hearted. What I have chosen is HARD. This was not the easy way out. It was the best. It was the way to learning again to serve God. To not live in fear. To not be constantly put down.
Yesterday, my son went garage saling with my ex. They were looking for golf clubs. They found a set for ten bucks. The ex was only willing to give five....so they went away with none. Now, what is interesting is that my kids have bought their dad a really nice used set....for a hundred dollars. I know, right? I guess it just stopped and reminded me how cheap he really is. Not frugal. I mean, he could have gotten the set for one of his sons....because renting costs at least fifteen dollars a time golfing. But he had to get a better deal. It's weird.
My heart is struggling. So much always to do. I almost feel guilty when I rest. ;) But not really. Yesterday I relaxed. Today is going to be quiet. I have cared for the damn chickens. And chicks. Watered. Working on my room. Crying a bit. But it's not horrible. I'll survive.
Just sometimes wish for family. Ok, often. But life is what it is. And it's better than it was.
It's hard not having the ones that are supposed to be there for me. Instead, I always have to be sure that I'm convenient or giving and taking.
Right now...being alone...perhaps is best. Because I've been too needy. And being here allows me to do and be what I need without having to worry about how anyone else feels.
blessings to you. many.
Friday, June 15, 2012
guard dog of joy
i have a mission in life. a passion. a deep seated need. to guard the heart. no, not with gates and walls. and not from others getting in. no, my passion is to guard the free gifts that were stored in my heart....peace and joy. they were put there. like a deposit. for the future hope that is coming. and yet, all too often, i let others run on into my heart and run on out with a good portion of my joy. not anymore, sister. nope. i have learned what a treasure there is in those small things. and i will not give them up easily. never anymore. i will cling tenaciously. people can steal my stuff. they can have the satisfaction of winning or being right. but they cannot...may not...steal my joy or peace. it's not theirs to take. and each person's storage is only good when held onto. it can jump start someone else's to grow...but it can't live in someone else's heart.
so....you can take what you need from me....my time. my money. my food. my words. my hugs. my love. my emotional investment. but i will not be allowing anyone to take away my joy.
it lives there in my heart. like an exotic plant. exquisite. beautiful. and one of a kind. a promise of what is to come. and i am it's guardian. so that others will see it. enjoy it. bask in it. and be directed to the One who gives to each one of us...uniquely and individually.
that's right. i'm a watch dog.
blessings.
so....you can take what you need from me....my time. my money. my food. my words. my hugs. my love. my emotional investment. but i will not be allowing anyone to take away my joy.
it lives there in my heart. like an exotic plant. exquisite. beautiful. and one of a kind. a promise of what is to come. and i am it's guardian. so that others will see it. enjoy it. bask in it. and be directed to the One who gives to each one of us...uniquely and individually.
that's right. i'm a watch dog.
blessings.
Alone
Here I go. To court. All alone. House is silent. Car will be too. And at first, I was a little sad. Hurt. Feeling like nobody cares that I have to do this really hard thing. That nobody knows how troubled I am to have to go face him today. How nobody will be there, waiting, willing me to be brave. But, after awhile. After prBut what I wished was. What I knew was possible. Praying. Taking my time to get ready.....I was ok. I am never alone. Lonely, maybe. But not alone. I will be however I will be and then the time will pass. And that's what I've learned...these hard parts will pass. But I have to face them. I have to do them.
I can't explain it to anyone. The words are too far in. So, here, I will write later, when I have more time. Because how do you say goodbye to something that never really was? It's hard. And therein is my problem.....I am a hoper. A believer. An encourager. A faith walker. And, this kills me. Because I KNOW what could have been. But it couldn't be with me doing and believing on my own.
So...I need to go today and say goodbye to THAT hope and move forward knowing that hope in many possibilities remains.
blessings.
I can't explain it to anyone. The words are too far in. So, here, I will write later, when I have more time. Because how do you say goodbye to something that never really was? It's hard. And therein is my problem.....I am a hoper. A believer. An encourager. A faith walker. And, this kills me. Because I KNOW what could have been. But it couldn't be with me doing and believing on my own.
So...I need to go today and say goodbye to THAT hope and move forward knowing that hope in many possibilities remains.
blessings.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tread Gently
My heart, my friends, is fragile. My soul has been wounded. And though I look ok....and though, really in the scheme of things, I AM ok....I am frail. Battle worn. I cry easily. I hurt. Oh, so much is better. But when people don't walk gently. When they don't realize what a huge time this is in my life. It throws me over the edge. Hard and fast. Because I am brave. And I am able to make it. And I have faith. And I look for the positive. But I am functioning still at the very precipice between those two worlds of ok and not ok. And I can fall over the edge in a heartbeat. Not intentionally. Just where I'm at.
Because tomorrow is a big deal. And it's hard. And I feel alone in the world. Like I have to face him and do this big thing and it's terrifying. And there's a sense of guilt that I feel so relieved. So released. That the pain over tomorrow has nothing to do with the end...but the having to face him, having to dig up and haul out all of the garbage again. It's knowing that he is not willing to say that it's not fixable. That he will stand and say that it's not him. That it's me. And it is. But I had to make a change. It was time. It is time.
But it all hurts. This is not what I imagined for my life. I don't want back with him, but I mourn the loss of my dream. Of what I worked and tried so hard to have for so long. So hard. So raw feeling.
And sometimes it is all just too much.
This afternoon was like that. Too much going on in my head. Making my heart pound. I have been living elsewhere...in a better place. But, to get things finalized, I have to step back into the other. And it feels like too much. Even for the half an hour.
But I will go. I will drive there. I will go to work. I know that he'll give me the check while we are there. Likes to have me say thank you.
I can't believe how done I am. It shocks me.
So, if you see me lose it, don't take it personally.....I'm just fragile for awhile.
blessings.
Because tomorrow is a big deal. And it's hard. And I feel alone in the world. Like I have to face him and do this big thing and it's terrifying. And there's a sense of guilt that I feel so relieved. So released. That the pain over tomorrow has nothing to do with the end...but the having to face him, having to dig up and haul out all of the garbage again. It's knowing that he is not willing to say that it's not fixable. That he will stand and say that it's not him. That it's me. And it is. But I had to make a change. It was time. It is time.
But it all hurts. This is not what I imagined for my life. I don't want back with him, but I mourn the loss of my dream. Of what I worked and tried so hard to have for so long. So hard. So raw feeling.
And sometimes it is all just too much.
This afternoon was like that. Too much going on in my head. Making my heart pound. I have been living elsewhere...in a better place. But, to get things finalized, I have to step back into the other. And it feels like too much. Even for the half an hour.
But I will go. I will drive there. I will go to work. I know that he'll give me the check while we are there. Likes to have me say thank you.
I can't believe how done I am. It shocks me.
So, if you see me lose it, don't take it personally.....I'm just fragile for awhile.
blessings.
Thirty things to STOP doing
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/
This is a great read. I recommend printing it out and remembering it.
blessings.
This is a great read. I recommend printing it out and remembering it.
blessings.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
anchors away
today i got my first professional job in many years. i have been on a completely life altering course this last year and a half. and finally, blessedly, i am employed with a "real" job. funny thing is that i was content with whichever way it would go. didn't really matter. i am learning to let go.
and thinking about letting go, today i was thinking how i suddenly feel like i'm floating back up out of the watery depths that i've been in. and pondering how god is so much like a flotation device. and how he surrounds us and is strapped on tightly. but....how i hadn't been floating. and i wondered why. and suddenly, i realized, i'd been holding onto an anchor. i thought that i was doing right, but i wasn't. i was full of pride about making things work. though, it wasn't working. even marriage can't become an idol that supercedes what god has for us. and strangely, when i began to release the anchor, i began to bob back up. sometimes, it feels like i've caught the rope on the way up, still holding on. but today...today it felt like i popped right up and out of the water. freed of the anchor holding me under. free to live "floating" wherever god would take me. free to breathe. to relax. to rest.
anchors away.
and thinking about letting go, today i was thinking how i suddenly feel like i'm floating back up out of the watery depths that i've been in. and pondering how god is so much like a flotation device. and how he surrounds us and is strapped on tightly. but....how i hadn't been floating. and i wondered why. and suddenly, i realized, i'd been holding onto an anchor. i thought that i was doing right, but i wasn't. i was full of pride about making things work. though, it wasn't working. even marriage can't become an idol that supercedes what god has for us. and strangely, when i began to release the anchor, i began to bob back up. sometimes, it feels like i've caught the rope on the way up, still holding on. but today...today it felt like i popped right up and out of the water. freed of the anchor holding me under. free to live "floating" wherever god would take me. free to breathe. to relax. to rest.
anchors away.
Monday, June 11, 2012
in the middle of a perfectly good day
well, i really like my job as a "reader" for standardized test scores. it's no stress. it's a definite schedule. it's easy. but, today, in the middle of my perfectly wonderful time scoring....the bomb came. they want me to be a senior reader. yikes. really? i've done it before. it was hard. it was stressful. i got yelled at. and...all of the other senior readers have already qualified on the questions. i will be starting behind. and i don't remember much about all of the paperwork. great. ok. and i nearly had a panic attack. i said i didn't really want to. they said that they really needed me too. a woman has to leave because of a family emergency. i am ready...they say. ;) i took a few minutes and went and got tea. went in the bathroom. prayed. and like a voice, i heard "ALL THINGS...not just what you are comfortable with." Oh, really? And I realized that doing this will prepare me to take bigger steps again. To be brave when I am afraid. To step boldly. it seems small. but it's big to me. but maybe it will help to prepare me for the day that i have a real teaching job. because frankly, that seems terrifying at the moment.
i am not sure, but i know that all things are possible. and i'm going to embrace that. live it. breathe it. remember it. cherish it. camp on it.
what is on your "all things" list? you know....that list that you make of the seemingly impossible things? because until recently, for me, it seemed impossible to ever simply breathe and be happy again. but it wasn't. ALL THINGS. to them that believe.
blessings.
i am not sure, but i know that all things are possible. and i'm going to embrace that. live it. breathe it. remember it. cherish it. camp on it.
what is on your "all things" list? you know....that list that you make of the seemingly impossible things? because until recently, for me, it seemed impossible to ever simply breathe and be happy again. but it wasn't. ALL THINGS. to them that believe.
blessings.
you are worth it.
I spent so long.
Trying to let him know
that I was really worth it.
He didn't believe it.
Until he was losing.
And then...
I'm still not sure that he does.
It's about winning and losing.
Not about loving.
So, I need to make a new life.
blessings.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
stuck in the middle
you know, in some ways, i am not stuck in the middle anymore. in others, i still am. i don't have to interpret. yet, i still get texted that the kids aren't texting him back. so, i get up and go tell him. then he tells me that he only heard back from the daughter. i go tell them again. mind you, i had fallen asleep early and was groggy. thought it must be important. then my son comes and says that it was just dad saying the he was back from his retreat.
yikes. why do i need to be in the middle of that? i don't think that one son is talking to him. i haven't asked. he hasn't said. but it seems as if he does not answer. i encourage them to text. i encourage them to have contact. i encourage them to make plans. but i will not force a near 18 year old to fake it. they need to find something real. something that they both hold dear. and i think that they will. eventually.
just five days until the finalization. not much longer. it feels strange to feel so nervous....not because i don't want it to happen, but because i so badly want it to happen. yet, court is hard. being alone with him is hard. i never knew how damaged and hurt and traumatized i was until after he was finally gone. well, i knew in some ways, but couldn't face it all as things were. and now, i find myself practically giddy with thankfulness. that i am able to raise these kids. to find peace. to actually take a breath. really. more than one.
i don't regret the marriage. i don't regret him. i am learning to take what was. to take what is. and to live in the reality of it. not with blame or judgement. but with a calm assurance that this new place is a part of a journey as well. and that decades down the road, there will be and will have been many changes. but i will be beloved.
i'm still stuck if i choose to view it that way. stuck making him feel better by getting the kids to communicate. but....i think instead of stuck, i'll just choose to make it something good for my kids. the beautiful, wonderful people that they are......
even when he takes credit. doesn't matter. i know that i have a relationship with them...and they with me. but they and him are still working those things out.
blessings.
yikes. why do i need to be in the middle of that? i don't think that one son is talking to him. i haven't asked. he hasn't said. but it seems as if he does not answer. i encourage them to text. i encourage them to have contact. i encourage them to make plans. but i will not force a near 18 year old to fake it. they need to find something real. something that they both hold dear. and i think that they will. eventually.
just five days until the finalization. not much longer. it feels strange to feel so nervous....not because i don't want it to happen, but because i so badly want it to happen. yet, court is hard. being alone with him is hard. i never knew how damaged and hurt and traumatized i was until after he was finally gone. well, i knew in some ways, but couldn't face it all as things were. and now, i find myself practically giddy with thankfulness. that i am able to raise these kids. to find peace. to actually take a breath. really. more than one.
i don't regret the marriage. i don't regret him. i am learning to take what was. to take what is. and to live in the reality of it. not with blame or judgement. but with a calm assurance that this new place is a part of a journey as well. and that decades down the road, there will be and will have been many changes. but i will be beloved.
i'm still stuck if i choose to view it that way. stuck making him feel better by getting the kids to communicate. but....i think instead of stuck, i'll just choose to make it something good for my kids. the beautiful, wonderful people that they are......
even when he takes credit. doesn't matter. i know that i have a relationship with them...and they with me. but they and him are still working those things out.
blessings.
sweet faces
there are faces in my life that bring me joy. and peace. and laughter. that are calming and comforting just by whose they are. they are faces that speak to me without ever saying a word. that draw me in. they are my friends. my children. it has only been recently that i realized how important those simple sweet faces are. not because they have to give me anything. or fix anything. or meet my needs. but because they are there. firm. loving. because i love them with a love that is a gift. a treasure. and they....and this took me long to absolutely know....love me too. not because i do for them. not because i do right. we see one another. it's not reciprocal. yet, it's mutual. with the sweet faces, i am not invisible. i am seen. i am precious. as are they. to me. they are gifts...these sweet faces. from god himself. reminders. of him. his love. his gentleness. his presence.
i adore those sweet faces.
hope you have some in your life. think on them. make a point to look at them. to make time for them. to realize how desperately and wondrously important they are. don't ever take them forgranted. because one of the hardest things about when someone passes away is that there comes a time where it's hard to picture their sweet face. you want so badly to get to look again.
love. be loved. enjoy it. fully.
blessings.
i adore those sweet faces.
hope you have some in your life. think on them. make a point to look at them. to make time for them. to realize how desperately and wondrously important they are. don't ever take them forgranted. because one of the hardest things about when someone passes away is that there comes a time where it's hard to picture their sweet face. you want so badly to get to look again.
love. be loved. enjoy it. fully.
blessings.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Giving
This week I've had to face again that in my givingness, I cover for my not husband. I don't think that he gets that the things I do at this point aren't FOR him, they are for the kids...and or others. He put off buying airline tickets and got stuck for his trip. He had told the kids that they would fly because I found really cheap tickets available when I was looking for tickets for my two sons. I let not husband know. He wanted them. I told him to do it fast because round trip for about $80 would go.....really fast. He said he would. But, he didn't. So, I stayed up when I had work the next day and fixed it. Found the good price. Gave it to him. Told him if he didn't do it right away it would be unlikely. And he was all gushing when he got his good deal. But, I did it for the son that was with him at his place while he was doing it. And my son was so thankful. Hugely so. And I know that though it's covering for the not husband.....it's also helping my kids to make a transition.
I am working on how I'll feel about him having them away for a week and a half. A little hard. My daughter is excited to be taking a friend. My one son is sad that he won't be able to get off work. It's their grandpa's 80th birthday celebration.
Then, on top of all of this, I have a job interview today. A little nervous...again. Because I don't know what to want. I don't know the school environment nor anything. I am clueless. But God is not. And, as I am learning in every little and big part of life....He doesn't require my help. He requires my weakness and my trust. He requires me to honor Him. Beyond that, there's nothing that I need to "make" happen. So, I will try to be at rest. To be still in my heart. To do my other job well this morning and go courageously to an interview.
I also want to sell furniture. It hasn't quite come together yet.....but it will.
blessings.
rhonda
I am working on how I'll feel about him having them away for a week and a half. A little hard. My daughter is excited to be taking a friend. My one son is sad that he won't be able to get off work. It's their grandpa's 80th birthday celebration.
Then, on top of all of this, I have a job interview today. A little nervous...again. Because I don't know what to want. I don't know the school environment nor anything. I am clueless. But God is not. And, as I am learning in every little and big part of life....He doesn't require my help. He requires my weakness and my trust. He requires me to honor Him. Beyond that, there's nothing that I need to "make" happen. So, I will try to be at rest. To be still in my heart. To do my other job well this morning and go courageously to an interview.
I also want to sell furniture. It hasn't quite come together yet.....but it will.
blessings.
rhonda
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
the little things
every little step. every choice. every decision. every single thing that has ever happened. they have all combined to be used for good in my right now. i was thinking of this as i was working today. i happen to be grading math standardized tests. now, you have to understand that i struggled with math until ninth grade. and i was never the premier student of math. yet, in college, i apparently took more classes of math and math related subjects than some of my college grad counterparts. and because of that long ago decision, i am employed at a job that i enjoy in the right now.
and i look at my marriage and i wonder how it could have gone so terribly wrong. how i could have allowed it for so long. but then i realized that continuing to try, working hard, putting myself aside, allowing things, waiting....actually allowed me to be where i am right now. because of who i am and the commitment i made, i didn't just give up. and i rest easier in the right now because i prayed and tried and waited. and then, when the time was right, god plucked me up and said, "i need some time with you to remind you of how valuable you are to me." he did not allow me to remain long enough to be destroyed. he rescued me. he strengthened me. and i am so very thankful. amazingly so.
i am energized. i am hopeful. i am excited. i am happy. i am growing. i am exploring. i am thinking. i am trying. i am working hard. my life is so much better that i don't even know how to adequately describe it. i actually have time for me now. i don't live in constant dread.
that's something else i realized today...how long i spent in horrible dread. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. always waiting for the discontent, meanness to come out. in some ways, i still have to face it, i guess. but i really don't let it get to me as much. temporary crazy. get it out. and then it's gone. i'm done. because i have too much living to do...too much joy to soak in...to live there anymore.
i make time to sit on the ground. to watch the rain. i make time to be at the table as a family nearly every night. i make time to veg by myself. i make time to work outside. and inside. i make time to do paperwork. i make time to pamper myself a bit...with a bath, doing my nails or brushing my hair...or putting on yummy lotion. little things. i have time for me to actually be in my life now. he had so consumed everything that i was like a plant being covered by another plant with big leaves...failing to thrive. my marriage was not a nurturing relationship.it was demanding and competitive. even when i didn't want to compete. i despised it.
every little need i have gets met as i go along. it's truly awe inspiring. it awakens in me the faith and dependence on god that was becoming stifled. and it is good. very good. like a splash of cool water on a hot day. a waterfall. flowing over me. delighting me.
every single little thing. i love that. beyond words. i love the One who has given me this life. who has brought me out of the pit. into light. into hope. into purpose.
i love what is happening in my family. not all sunshine and roses....but it's so good. learning. communicating. trying. giving. amazing kids. even my struggler has come far. he's amazing.
and today, i was thinking....i wonder what little things i'm doing today that are going to be just what i needed a couple of decades from now. twas pretty exciting to think of.
blessings.
and i look at my marriage and i wonder how it could have gone so terribly wrong. how i could have allowed it for so long. but then i realized that continuing to try, working hard, putting myself aside, allowing things, waiting....actually allowed me to be where i am right now. because of who i am and the commitment i made, i didn't just give up. and i rest easier in the right now because i prayed and tried and waited. and then, when the time was right, god plucked me up and said, "i need some time with you to remind you of how valuable you are to me." he did not allow me to remain long enough to be destroyed. he rescued me. he strengthened me. and i am so very thankful. amazingly so.
i am energized. i am hopeful. i am excited. i am happy. i am growing. i am exploring. i am thinking. i am trying. i am working hard. my life is so much better that i don't even know how to adequately describe it. i actually have time for me now. i don't live in constant dread.
that's something else i realized today...how long i spent in horrible dread. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. always waiting for the discontent, meanness to come out. in some ways, i still have to face it, i guess. but i really don't let it get to me as much. temporary crazy. get it out. and then it's gone. i'm done. because i have too much living to do...too much joy to soak in...to live there anymore.
i make time to sit on the ground. to watch the rain. i make time to be at the table as a family nearly every night. i make time to veg by myself. i make time to work outside. and inside. i make time to do paperwork. i make time to pamper myself a bit...with a bath, doing my nails or brushing my hair...or putting on yummy lotion. little things. i have time for me to actually be in my life now. he had so consumed everything that i was like a plant being covered by another plant with big leaves...failing to thrive. my marriage was not a nurturing relationship.it was demanding and competitive. even when i didn't want to compete. i despised it.
every little need i have gets met as i go along. it's truly awe inspiring. it awakens in me the faith and dependence on god that was becoming stifled. and it is good. very good. like a splash of cool water on a hot day. a waterfall. flowing over me. delighting me.
every single little thing. i love that. beyond words. i love the One who has given me this life. who has brought me out of the pit. into light. into hope. into purpose.
i love what is happening in my family. not all sunshine and roses....but it's so good. learning. communicating. trying. giving. amazing kids. even my struggler has come far. he's amazing.
and today, i was thinking....i wonder what little things i'm doing today that are going to be just what i needed a couple of decades from now. twas pretty exciting to think of.
blessings.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
alignment
it's hard to stay in alignment on the bumpy roads of life. easy to get knocked around so much that you don't steer straight anymore. but there is a way to stay aligned. it's not a once a year or even twice a year quick fix. it's a day to day alignment. it's seeking who you are supposed to be in view of who you were created to be. not based on everyone else. not based on circumstances.
life is hard. really hard. amazingly hard. scary. so much to "worry" about. but it's ok. take a breath. and remember...you are beloved. you belong. you are chosen. you have purpose. and you aren't alone. sleep. work. play. rest. enjoy. this is your life. steer straight. don't be afraid of the bumps. you've got the Master Mechanic to get you on the road.
grace to you
life is hard. really hard. amazingly hard. scary. so much to "worry" about. but it's ok. take a breath. and remember...you are beloved. you belong. you are chosen. you have purpose. and you aren't alone. sleep. work. play. rest. enjoy. this is your life. steer straight. don't be afraid of the bumps. you've got the Master Mechanic to get you on the road.
grace to you
Monday, June 4, 2012
Glad You're Father.
I'm so glad that You are my Father. That You know me. Get me. See me. And I'm wondering....exactly what did you make me to be? To do? To shine at? What lives do You want to touch with mine? Because, I want to be that. Do that. I want to be in complete alignment with how I was created to be. Because therein...is peace. And comfort. And joy. And I want to bring You glory by accomplishing whatever there is for me to do. Not more. Not busy work. My purpose. Mine alone.
It's not about me getting any job. It's about figuring out what You have. Staying on Your path for my life. Because I love the adventure. I know that You made me how I am and don't want to take away my sense of fun or of travel. You caused me to love the ocean and see You in every aspect of it.
I've applied for jobs. Have no idea what will come. But I'm not afraid. I know that You have it worked out. And I am at peace with that.
Can't wait to see. It's exciting.
I trust You. Completely. Wholeheartedly.
Thank You for being so trustworthy. So steadfast. I need You. You are my breath. My hope. My life.
blessings.
It's not about me getting any job. It's about figuring out what You have. Staying on Your path for my life. Because I love the adventure. I know that You made me how I am and don't want to take away my sense of fun or of travel. You caused me to love the ocean and see You in every aspect of it.
I've applied for jobs. Have no idea what will come. But I'm not afraid. I know that You have it worked out. And I am at peace with that.
Can't wait to see. It's exciting.
I trust You. Completely. Wholeheartedly.
Thank You for being so trustworthy. So steadfast. I need You. You are my breath. My hope. My life.
blessings.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Not ok.
So, I look out my front window and see my not husband having my son help him carry the van seats to the porch....the porch, which I might add, I cleared off YESTERDAY, so that I could begin to store my furniture for my sale there. Without asking, he just did it. It feels....very inappropriate. The van in question is his. But he has left it here. The seats were going back in as soon as my friend got her tables out. He could have tarped them. He could have asked me about it. He could have done so many things. But he did the one thing to point out that I wasn't doing it right. Not taking care of things. It hurt me. It makes me feel like puking. It's just....wrong. At least to me it feels like it.
It's not ok. Not ok to decide for me.
And what's really frustrating is that I had just moved two pieces out to the porch and was in my room to get more.....to clear my room of clutter.
How frustrating.
Gotta let it go. Say what I need to say and move on. Twelve days. Then it's completely official. I don't answer to him anymore. I need this so badly.
grace to you.
It's not ok. Not ok to decide for me.
And what's really frustrating is that I had just moved two pieces out to the porch and was in my room to get more.....to clear my room of clutter.
How frustrating.
Gotta let it go. Say what I need to say and move on. Twelve days. Then it's completely official. I don't answer to him anymore. I need this so badly.
grace to you.
self abuse
http://www.changemyrelationship.com/support-files/stopvictimizingyourself.pdf
being victimized begins a cycle of victimization. it's hard to get out. and when the offending party is absent, it's easy to take over and do it to yourself. and when they are present, it's hard to see that it is self abuse to allow the abuse to continue.
i am having to learn a lot about walking away. about not fighting battles that will never be won. about living and not plotting or simply pretending that things are ok.
i am slowly changing back to who i am meant to be. sometimes, in this process, i am a complete ass. it's like i hurt so much and there's no outlet sometimes. but mostly, because i can see it and make new choices....i think that it's going to be ok. that i'm going to be ok. stronger. more pliable.
and i am leaning. seeking truth. seeking strength. and it's there. freely given. each moment. i am blessed.
grace to you.
being victimized begins a cycle of victimization. it's hard to get out. and when the offending party is absent, it's easy to take over and do it to yourself. and when they are present, it's hard to see that it is self abuse to allow the abuse to continue.
i am having to learn a lot about walking away. about not fighting battles that will never be won. about living and not plotting or simply pretending that things are ok.
i am slowly changing back to who i am meant to be. sometimes, in this process, i am a complete ass. it's like i hurt so much and there's no outlet sometimes. but mostly, because i can see it and make new choices....i think that it's going to be ok. that i'm going to be ok. stronger. more pliable.
and i am leaning. seeking truth. seeking strength. and it's there. freely given. each moment. i am blessed.
grace to you.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
can't change it.
letting go.
because i can't change things.
i can only change me.
how i pray.
how i love.
how i speak.
when i speak.
how i think.
how i work.
what i do.
and wishing that he
would somehow get it
just hurts me.
and letting go
makes me
feel
so very strong.
so very loved.
so very looked after.
like god is doing a miraculous
and wonderful thing
in my life.
bringing in joy
where there was despair.
and showing what a great god he is.
i'm letting go.
hope defined.
it's not positive thinking. though, thinking positively can cause my focus to turn in the right direction. hope is much more though. it is joyful anticipation. it's knowing that however things are now, there is good coming. that the life and purpose that i am supposed to have is what awaits. it's like being really hungry and smelling dinner cooking...and knowing that my need is going to be met. or the knowledge that someone is on their way with food for me. trusting. knowing. believing that the good is coming. not falsely. but firmly. leaning on a foundation of truth.
i know that my life has a purpose. i am not an accident of the cosmos. i am a creation. by the great artist. who has continual plans for how to bring glory to himself through my life. who has a future and a hope planned for me. to benefit me. not to harm me. he promises. and i believe him.
and this week, i lost out on being a "senior" reader because i got sent home from the earlier in the week job and rescheduled for the end of the week job. but, then, i had to give that up in order to have the interview that was scheduled for me. and i'm so relieved!! so glad that i get to just be a regular reader come monday morning. and i know that whether i get the job i interviewed for or not....it was totally worth it just to be allowed to be less stressed about my upcoming work.
all things work together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose. he is calling me. yes, even me. and even you. for a purpose. that voice. that hope. that dream. that passion. that wish. that desire. it's not by accident. it's built into you. explore it. you will find wonders beyond compare. because you will be walking in hope. in faith. in joy. and will be fulfilled. filled. completed. whole.
hope. it permeates everything else.
blessings to you.
i know that my life has a purpose. i am not an accident of the cosmos. i am a creation. by the great artist. who has continual plans for how to bring glory to himself through my life. who has a future and a hope planned for me. to benefit me. not to harm me. he promises. and i believe him.
and this week, i lost out on being a "senior" reader because i got sent home from the earlier in the week job and rescheduled for the end of the week job. but, then, i had to give that up in order to have the interview that was scheduled for me. and i'm so relieved!! so glad that i get to just be a regular reader come monday morning. and i know that whether i get the job i interviewed for or not....it was totally worth it just to be allowed to be less stressed about my upcoming work.
all things work together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose. he is calling me. yes, even me. and even you. for a purpose. that voice. that hope. that dream. that passion. that wish. that desire. it's not by accident. it's built into you. explore it. you will find wonders beyond compare. because you will be walking in hope. in faith. in joy. and will be fulfilled. filled. completed. whole.
hope. it permeates everything else.
blessings to you.
Courage
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is not even the absence of concern. It is the absence of being ruled by what ifs or maybes or things that keep us from doing what we could or being who we are meant to be. Period. Courage is standing up and facing an obstacle with the determination that it will not be the deciding factor in our lives.
Today, I exhibited courage. I went to a graduation party. The only one that I really NEEDED to be at. That was dear to my heart. And then...for some reason, my non husband was going too. I told him I'd take the kids. And I was going to set up times to go and all of that ....but then, I realized that I didn't want to have to make a deal. I find it offensive that he can't simply give me things that he knows that I need or that are important to me. I spent too many years feeling like I was trying to get them. So, I decided that I would just go. And I did. And he went too. And I survived. It was HARD. Restaurant setting. Not so much hiding space. But I did it. For me.
I got home and was completely worn out. Spent. It took all I had. But I had stood ground that was important to me. I had maintained who I need to be AND what I needed to be doing. I made it.
Sure, I shook. Sure, I was cold. Sure, I was nervous. Sure, I felt awkward. But that's not the point. Those facts don't take away from the courage. They add to it.
I am proud. Of me. Not for being enough on my own. But for listening to that voice. For leaning. For finding strength were strength always resides...in the Lord.
blessings.
Today, I exhibited courage. I went to a graduation party. The only one that I really NEEDED to be at. That was dear to my heart. And then...for some reason, my non husband was going too. I told him I'd take the kids. And I was going to set up times to go and all of that ....but then, I realized that I didn't want to have to make a deal. I find it offensive that he can't simply give me things that he knows that I need or that are important to me. I spent too many years feeling like I was trying to get them. So, I decided that I would just go. And I did. And he went too. And I survived. It was HARD. Restaurant setting. Not so much hiding space. But I did it. For me.
I got home and was completely worn out. Spent. It took all I had. But I had stood ground that was important to me. I had maintained who I need to be AND what I needed to be doing. I made it.
Sure, I shook. Sure, I was cold. Sure, I was nervous. Sure, I felt awkward. But that's not the point. Those facts don't take away from the courage. They add to it.
I am proud. Of me. Not for being enough on my own. But for listening to that voice. For leaning. For finding strength were strength always resides...in the Lord.
blessings.
Friday, June 1, 2012
learning to listen to the whisper of my soul
so many times i have pushed forward. done what was expected. good things. church things. busy things. doing things. but, i am learning to hear that whisper and to do and be what i am uniquely called to do and be. it's rather fun. takes a lot of work. of prayer. of trying it yet again.
but it's coming. and it's healing. because i am not valuable because of what i run around trying to get done. i am valuable because of how i am the only me. so when i lose who i am, the world misses that. well, my little part of the world.
i am good at problem solving. at getting tasks done. at being easy going. and yet also at getting a job done. i need quiet time. and i need friends. i need touch. my soul requires peace. and it needs to be a way of life.
and the spirit who lives in me keeps whispering and encouraging and teaching. and i am a ready and willing student.
i am so very content. joyfully so. happily so.
for awhile i was so sad that i wasn't getting my happy ever after. turns out that i was listening to the wrong voice. this is my happy ever after. for the right now. and it's beautiful. though difficult and different.
blessings to you.
but it's coming. and it's healing. because i am not valuable because of what i run around trying to get done. i am valuable because of how i am the only me. so when i lose who i am, the world misses that. well, my little part of the world.
i am good at problem solving. at getting tasks done. at being easy going. and yet also at getting a job done. i need quiet time. and i need friends. i need touch. my soul requires peace. and it needs to be a way of life.
and the spirit who lives in me keeps whispering and encouraging and teaching. and i am a ready and willing student.
i am so very content. joyfully so. happily so.
for awhile i was so sad that i wasn't getting my happy ever after. turns out that i was listening to the wrong voice. this is my happy ever after. for the right now. and it's beautiful. though difficult and different.
blessings to you.
Yesterday's failures, today's opportunities
This morning I began my early morning thinking about success and failure. I have had some good interviews in the last two years. I have had some mediocre. And, have to say, some plain bad. But, in the scheme of things, what I am thinking about is how the reality is that some jobs wouldn't fit me. That there are blessings in not having gotten them. And one of the biggest blessings is in keeping me open and still trying so that I will go on and get the job that IS right for me.
I keep second guessing myself about yesterday's interview. Yet, I know that if it isn't the right fit then there will be one later. I am part of a plan. I am not abandoned. And I am on a journey..following a path. Each part is teaching me. I look how far I have come in the last two years and I am amazed. And thankful.
blessings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)