every little step. every choice. every decision. every single thing that has ever happened. they have all combined to be used for good in my right now. i was thinking of this as i was working today. i happen to be grading math standardized tests. now, you have to understand that i struggled with math until ninth grade. and i was never the premier student of math. yet, in college, i apparently took more classes of math and math related subjects than some of my college grad counterparts. and because of that long ago decision, i am employed at a job that i enjoy in the right now.
and i look at my marriage and i wonder how it could have gone so terribly wrong. how i could have allowed it for so long. but then i realized that continuing to try, working hard, putting myself aside, allowing things, waiting....actually allowed me to be where i am right now. because of who i am and the commitment i made, i didn't just give up. and i rest easier in the right now because i prayed and tried and waited. and then, when the time was right, god plucked me up and said, "i need some time with you to remind you of how valuable you are to me." he did not allow me to remain long enough to be destroyed. he rescued me. he strengthened me. and i am so very thankful. amazingly so.
i am energized. i am hopeful. i am excited. i am happy. i am growing. i am exploring. i am thinking. i am trying. i am working hard. my life is so much better that i don't even know how to adequately describe it. i actually have time for me now. i don't live in constant dread.
that's something else i realized today...how long i spent in horrible dread. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. always waiting for the discontent, meanness to come out. in some ways, i still have to face it, i guess. but i really don't let it get to me as much. temporary crazy. get it out. and then it's gone. i'm done. because i have too much living to do...too much joy to soak in...to live there anymore.
i make time to sit on the ground. to watch the rain. i make time to be at the table as a family nearly every night. i make time to veg by myself. i make time to work outside. and inside. i make time to do paperwork. i make time to pamper myself a bit...with a bath, doing my nails or brushing my hair...or putting on yummy lotion. little things. i have time for me to actually be in my life now. he had so consumed everything that i was like a plant being covered by another plant with big leaves...failing to thrive. my marriage was not a nurturing relationship.it was demanding and competitive. even when i didn't want to compete. i despised it.
every little need i have gets met as i go along. it's truly awe inspiring. it awakens in me the faith and dependence on god that was becoming stifled. and it is good. very good. like a splash of cool water on a hot day. a waterfall. flowing over me. delighting me.
every single little thing. i love that. beyond words. i love the One who has given me this life. who has brought me out of the pit. into light. into hope. into purpose.
i love what is happening in my family. not all sunshine and roses....but it's so good. learning. communicating. trying. giving. amazing kids. even my struggler has come far. he's amazing.
and today, i was thinking....i wonder what little things i'm doing today that are going to be just what i needed a couple of decades from now. twas pretty exciting to think of.
blessings.
and i look at my marriage and i wonder how it could have gone so terribly wrong. how i could have allowed it for so long. but then i realized that continuing to try, working hard, putting myself aside, allowing things, waiting....actually allowed me to be where i am right now. because of who i am and the commitment i made, i didn't just give up. and i rest easier in the right now because i prayed and tried and waited. and then, when the time was right, god plucked me up and said, "i need some time with you to remind you of how valuable you are to me." he did not allow me to remain long enough to be destroyed. he rescued me. he strengthened me. and i am so very thankful. amazingly so.
i am energized. i am hopeful. i am excited. i am happy. i am growing. i am exploring. i am thinking. i am trying. i am working hard. my life is so much better that i don't even know how to adequately describe it. i actually have time for me now. i don't live in constant dread.
that's something else i realized today...how long i spent in horrible dread. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. always waiting for the discontent, meanness to come out. in some ways, i still have to face it, i guess. but i really don't let it get to me as much. temporary crazy. get it out. and then it's gone. i'm done. because i have too much living to do...too much joy to soak in...to live there anymore.
i make time to sit on the ground. to watch the rain. i make time to be at the table as a family nearly every night. i make time to veg by myself. i make time to work outside. and inside. i make time to do paperwork. i make time to pamper myself a bit...with a bath, doing my nails or brushing my hair...or putting on yummy lotion. little things. i have time for me to actually be in my life now. he had so consumed everything that i was like a plant being covered by another plant with big leaves...failing to thrive. my marriage was not a nurturing relationship.it was demanding and competitive. even when i didn't want to compete. i despised it.
every little need i have gets met as i go along. it's truly awe inspiring. it awakens in me the faith and dependence on god that was becoming stifled. and it is good. very good. like a splash of cool water on a hot day. a waterfall. flowing over me. delighting me.
every single little thing. i love that. beyond words. i love the One who has given me this life. who has brought me out of the pit. into light. into hope. into purpose.
i love what is happening in my family. not all sunshine and roses....but it's so good. learning. communicating. trying. giving. amazing kids. even my struggler has come far. he's amazing.
and today, i was thinking....i wonder what little things i'm doing today that are going to be just what i needed a couple of decades from now. twas pretty exciting to think of.
blessings.
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