My heart, my friends, is fragile. My soul has been wounded. And though I look ok....and though, really in the scheme of things, I AM ok....I am frail. Battle worn. I cry easily. I hurt. Oh, so much is better. But when people don't walk gently. When they don't realize what a huge time this is in my life. It throws me over the edge. Hard and fast. Because I am brave. And I am able to make it. And I have faith. And I look for the positive. But I am functioning still at the very precipice between those two worlds of ok and not ok. And I can fall over the edge in a heartbeat. Not intentionally. Just where I'm at.
Because tomorrow is a big deal. And it's hard. And I feel alone in the world. Like I have to face him and do this big thing and it's terrifying. And there's a sense of guilt that I feel so relieved. So released. That the pain over tomorrow has nothing to do with the end...but the having to face him, having to dig up and haul out all of the garbage again. It's knowing that he is not willing to say that it's not fixable. That he will stand and say that it's not him. That it's me. And it is. But I had to make a change. It was time. It is time.
But it all hurts. This is not what I imagined for my life. I don't want back with him, but I mourn the loss of my dream. Of what I worked and tried so hard to have for so long. So hard. So raw feeling.
And sometimes it is all just too much.
This afternoon was like that. Too much going on in my head. Making my heart pound. I have been living elsewhere...in a better place. But, to get things finalized, I have to step back into the other. And it feels like too much. Even for the half an hour.
But I will go. I will drive there. I will go to work. I know that he'll give me the check while we are there. Likes to have me say thank you.
I can't believe how done I am. It shocks me.
So, if you see me lose it, don't take it personally.....I'm just fragile for awhile.
blessings.
Because tomorrow is a big deal. And it's hard. And I feel alone in the world. Like I have to face him and do this big thing and it's terrifying. And there's a sense of guilt that I feel so relieved. So released. That the pain over tomorrow has nothing to do with the end...but the having to face him, having to dig up and haul out all of the garbage again. It's knowing that he is not willing to say that it's not fixable. That he will stand and say that it's not him. That it's me. And it is. But I had to make a change. It was time. It is time.
But it all hurts. This is not what I imagined for my life. I don't want back with him, but I mourn the loss of my dream. Of what I worked and tried so hard to have for so long. So hard. So raw feeling.
And sometimes it is all just too much.
This afternoon was like that. Too much going on in my head. Making my heart pound. I have been living elsewhere...in a better place. But, to get things finalized, I have to step back into the other. And it feels like too much. Even for the half an hour.
But I will go. I will drive there. I will go to work. I know that he'll give me the check while we are there. Likes to have me say thank you.
I can't believe how done I am. It shocks me.
So, if you see me lose it, don't take it personally.....I'm just fragile for awhile.
blessings.
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