you know, in some ways, i am not stuck in the middle anymore. in others, i still am. i don't have to interpret. yet, i still get texted that the kids aren't texting him back. so, i get up and go tell him. then he tells me that he only heard back from the daughter. i go tell them again. mind you, i had fallen asleep early and was groggy. thought it must be important. then my son comes and says that it was just dad saying the he was back from his retreat.
yikes. why do i need to be in the middle of that? i don't think that one son is talking to him. i haven't asked. he hasn't said. but it seems as if he does not answer. i encourage them to text. i encourage them to have contact. i encourage them to make plans. but i will not force a near 18 year old to fake it. they need to find something real. something that they both hold dear. and i think that they will. eventually.
just five days until the finalization. not much longer. it feels strange to feel so nervous....not because i don't want it to happen, but because i so badly want it to happen. yet, court is hard. being alone with him is hard. i never knew how damaged and hurt and traumatized i was until after he was finally gone. well, i knew in some ways, but couldn't face it all as things were. and now, i find myself practically giddy with thankfulness. that i am able to raise these kids. to find peace. to actually take a breath. really. more than one.
i don't regret the marriage. i don't regret him. i am learning to take what was. to take what is. and to live in the reality of it. not with blame or judgement. but with a calm assurance that this new place is a part of a journey as well. and that decades down the road, there will be and will have been many changes. but i will be beloved.
i'm still stuck if i choose to view it that way. stuck making him feel better by getting the kids to communicate. but....i think instead of stuck, i'll just choose to make it something good for my kids. the beautiful, wonderful people that they are......
even when he takes credit. doesn't matter. i know that i have a relationship with them...and they with me. but they and him are still working those things out.
blessings.
yikes. why do i need to be in the middle of that? i don't think that one son is talking to him. i haven't asked. he hasn't said. but it seems as if he does not answer. i encourage them to text. i encourage them to have contact. i encourage them to make plans. but i will not force a near 18 year old to fake it. they need to find something real. something that they both hold dear. and i think that they will. eventually.
just five days until the finalization. not much longer. it feels strange to feel so nervous....not because i don't want it to happen, but because i so badly want it to happen. yet, court is hard. being alone with him is hard. i never knew how damaged and hurt and traumatized i was until after he was finally gone. well, i knew in some ways, but couldn't face it all as things were. and now, i find myself practically giddy with thankfulness. that i am able to raise these kids. to find peace. to actually take a breath. really. more than one.
i don't regret the marriage. i don't regret him. i am learning to take what was. to take what is. and to live in the reality of it. not with blame or judgement. but with a calm assurance that this new place is a part of a journey as well. and that decades down the road, there will be and will have been many changes. but i will be beloved.
i'm still stuck if i choose to view it that way. stuck making him feel better by getting the kids to communicate. but....i think instead of stuck, i'll just choose to make it something good for my kids. the beautiful, wonderful people that they are......
even when he takes credit. doesn't matter. i know that i have a relationship with them...and they with me. but they and him are still working those things out.
blessings.
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