A blip

I am learning that what is life altering, hugely changing, painfully grueling and sometimes overwhelming to me....is really only a blip for others.  That nobody will know that today is hard for me.  No daddy.  No grandpa.  No man to whom I can run.  It has been hard for a long time.  But now....I also won't ever have my kids again on this day.  Wow.  They are such a good part of my life.  Such a gift.  It's hard to share them.  But, I believe that it's best for them still.  Being a good mama isn't about just what I need or want, it's seeing each of them for who they are and helping them to get where they need to be.
But with that there is sacrifice.  I have had a really hard week.  But there's nobody on earth to tell.  Nobody who sits and talks and listens about it.  It's just too much.  Because I know that I would go on forever if I started.  The world is a busy place.  Friday happened.  Now it's done.  Move on.  I get that.  But my heart has to catch up with reality.  I have taken care of him for so long.  And I am not hard hearted.  What I have chosen is HARD.  This was not the easy way out.  It was the best.  It was the way to learning again to serve God.  To not live in fear.  To not be constantly put down.
Yesterday, my son went garage saling with my ex.  They were looking for golf clubs.  They found a set for ten bucks.  The ex was only willing to give five....so they went away with none.  Now, what is interesting is that my kids have bought their dad a really nice used set....for a hundred dollars.  I know, right?  I guess it just stopped and reminded me how cheap he really is.  Not frugal.  I mean, he could have gotten the set for one of his sons....because renting costs at least fifteen dollars a time golfing.  But he had to get a better deal.  It's weird.
My heart is struggling.  So much always to do.  I almost feel guilty when I rest. ;)  But not really.  Yesterday I relaxed.  Today is going to be quiet.  I have cared for the damn chickens.  And chicks.  Watered.  Working on my room.  Crying a bit.  But it's not horrible.  I'll survive.
Just sometimes wish for family.  Ok, often.  But life is what it is.  And it's better than it was.
It's hard not having the ones that are supposed to be there for me.  Instead, I always have to be sure that I'm convenient or giving and taking.
Right now...being alone...perhaps is best.  Because I've been too needy.  And being here allows me to do and be what I need without having to worry about how anyone else feels.
blessings to you.  many.