it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

 a ladder tree.  kinda funny looking.  but brings me joy.  i saw it at a shop i love and made my own version.  it greets me at the front door.

 the meaning of christmas.  jesus.  the baby.  the center.  he grew up.  and he chose us.  he gave us life.  he gave life meaning.  and remains..at the center.

 the light has come into the world.  i love candles.  the soft light.  the peaceful, quiet, calmness.  the beauty.  the way that the one little flame can bring light to a room.  may i be a light in my part of the world.

 i saw the paper tree and the card rack on pinterest  and i decided to make them.  makes me happy to know that the part of me that i remember from a long time ago is still in there and still struggling to be a part of me.  i stifled so much for so long.  and right now, i feel the gift that god is giving me is the ability to create again.  to risk. to try.  to go for what is beautiful.  though it's not something i've been practicing.  i love beauty.  twinkle lights are awesome!

 this little tree took an entire bobbsey twins book.  i had to risk by ripping out the first pages.  it was in pretty bad shape...but, i'm a book person....so, it was difficult.  it took a lot of hand tearing of paper.  and a lot of time to put them on the skewer.  but i like it because i made it.  i saw one that i liked and i made my own.  twas pretty awesome to do.

went to the goodwill to look for tree toppers.  how is it that i can't find any cheap ones?  i want to put them on my mantle when i get it built!  oh yeah, i have to build a mantle too.  fun times ahead.  but, as is my norm, while i was wandering the store looking for the tree toppers, i found this funky white vintage tree.  and i was going to cut off the ugle candy canes and red plastic balls.  i thought that they simply lit up when you plugged the tree in.  i was going to put the tree in a new, better...prettier....container and get rid of all of the uncomely ornaments.  but.  yes, but.....i plugged in the little tree and realized that in the base there is a color wheel!! i squealed.  now, the ugly just has to stay.  can't desecrate that.  i know...i'm weird.  i'm aware.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.  mostly on the inside.  in my heart.  because i've learned and am learning that my ex can't steal my joy.  not anymore.  i am full of joy.  full.  i know that i've been blessed.  i've been given an opportunity to live...really live....and i don't intend to let that go unappreciated.  my ex may do things this holiday season that make it difficult to organize.  or that trouble me.  that's ok.  i'm not afraid.  i am fearless.  this year has been the training ground for that.  and i've learned to sit down, lay down, cover up, take a rest or whatever else it is that i need to do so that i can take care of me and keep going.  just a year ago i was a mess.  totally overwhelmed.  discouraged.  alone.  troubled.  and now...whether i have a houseful or end up hanging out on my own, i'll be fine.  last year i was grieving.  this year i am celebrating.  i choose happy.
blessings.

mail

i own a house.  i own a mailbox.  i pay to feed the children in the house.  i take care of their other needs to.  they are growing into nice people.  and...today, in the mail, they got a thanksgiving card.  not all of the children, just my youngest two.  not addressed to me and the children.  nope.  that's how it has been done for years.  but, no, not anymore.  speaks volumes, doesn't it?  my family treats him with more than due respect.  his family treats me with none.  it was that way for over twenty years.  so it continues.  and i wouldn't mind so much.  except that they excluded my son that they don't approve of anymore. bugs me.  because he shouldn't be recognized based on what he does for them.  and his dad should have put an end to this a long while back.  it was nearly a year ago that things went badly on the trip to texas.  sadness.  hurt for him.  and maybe a little for me.  because it means that my ex has truly not changed.  and i guess that i always think that maybe i'm wrong.  maybe he gets it.  but he doesn't.  he holds on and makes sure things are ok for him and if it goes badly for others, he just covers his own behind.  pathetic behavior.  and it loses so much for him.  what sadness.  what a tragedy.  it stinks.  because it means that he never can fully give our kids what they need.  because when push comes to shove, he will choose his own skin, his own popularity with his family, his own comfort, his own fitting in....over them.
no mail.  not for me.  oh well.  that's how it goes.  just wish that i could fix the other part.
on an up note....i am quite happy.  joyously so.  and i am finding my "groove".  finding my ability to do the things that make memories again.  i was shut down last christmas.  it was all i could do to get things out and get them ready.  this year is better.  the crushing oppression is leaving my soul a bit at a time.  those learned fears and behaviors aren't quick to disperse.  but they do go.  and i am better and better at fighting them off.
i'm already praying about next year's word.....balance and fearless so far.  what comes next?  can't wait.
blessings.

giving thanks

today, my kids are with their dad.  except for the one in college.  and the one that won't see him.  and the one that he didn't invite until tuesday and that already had plans.  but the two that live at home are with him.  and i wasn't sure how i would feel about that.  but, we were going to do something this morning.  and put up the christmas lights and....well, my ex texted my kids last night and said that he wanted to get them at 8:30 instead of 1:00.  So.
and i thought that maybe i'd be depressed. or mad. or lonely.
but i'm fine.  i'm good.
i have had a great week with my kids.  and a happy thanksgiving meal back on sunday.
i have moved on.  i'm ok.
does it trouble me that he doesn't make plans in advance?  yes.  but not enough to dialogue about it.  is it inconsiderate?  yes.  but i don't really expect anything else.
i am so thankful.
so relieved.
so light feeling.
and these other things are just a tad of inconvenience.
so i'll roll with it.
make my potato soup.
rest.
decorate.
putter.
and laugh.
and smile.
and be happy.
because i am full of joy.
and peace.
and hope.
life is pretty darn good.

my ex came to pick up the kids.  we let the dogs out to see him.  my dog barked at him..but then realized who he was.  my ex looked my way.  he was sad looking.  he looked like a victim.  and i felt sorry for him.  but finally, it's not my job to have to fix it all and make it ok.
that was something to be thankful for.
blessings.  i am thankful for all of you that walk this crazy journey with me!

pajama day

jammy alert!  four in the house. not a one got out of pj's today.  hmmm.  it's now 5:18pm.  guess we won't.  frankly, it has been relaxing.
i've gone through the christmas lights.  i've lounged around.  i'm getting ready to make some steaks.  but mostly, i've watched movies and dozed.  and drank coffee.  and just plain rested.  oh, i productively decided what i'd like christmas to look like from pinterest.  that was inspiring.
life is easier now.
then my daughter came and said that dad wants them early tomorrow. not at 1.  nice of him to let me know.  sigh.
i am thinking of taking them away for a bit over christmas.  the kids.  somewhere.  maybe not far.  but somewhere fun.  laid back.  inexpensive would be nice.  because i don't want him to do so at the last minute.
i know. it seems petty.  but i don't feel petty.  i just don't want to have something slammed down my throat at the last minute.
i got pajama day.
he gets thanksgiving.
we already did it.  ate.  played.  and we're good.
and now we had pajama day.  we don't have to DO anything to be together.  we just are.  of course, my son was supposed to put up the lights tomorrow morning. ah. well.  never to be deterred by my having plans with the kids, he invited them to breakfast as well.
it's weird.  he nabs the holidays up.  like he's afraid.  maybe he has to look good.  i feel less concerned.  don't care how i look to others anymore.  care how my kids actually feel about me.
27 days til christmas.  gotta get on that!
too many pajama days might be considered lazy...but a few...glorious!
blessings.

the little things

the big moments are nice.  but it's the little things that bring me comfort and joy.  it's the little things that spark the thankfulness in my soul.  and i think that makes me weird. odd.  strange.  different.  unique.  quirky.  because i am enchanted by the seemingly simple things.  mundane moments.  the blessed reassurance of the expected.
the sun rising.  or setting.  little things?  well, taken forgranted by most.  happens everyday.  will keep happening everyday.  until there are no more days to have.  but i love them.  they make me catch my breath and want to squeal.  each one is unique.  beautiful.  signifying the beginning or the ending to another blessed day on earth with the beautiful show of color and shadow.
coffee.  in general.  the smell.  the sound brewing.  the warmth of the cup.  the bitterish sweet, bold flavor.  the caffeine.  the time with a friend to sit and enjoy.
time with a friend.  it never gets old.  never seems like a job.  it's so easy.  such a blessing.  a boost.  a laugh.  a tear.  a hug.  a moment to just be.
laughter.  with my kids.  oh my goodness.  it causes my soul to take flight.  to soar.  i revel.  play.  feel the healing of the release of laughter.
a drive.  somewhere pretty.  or unique.  traveling in the here.  i'm weird.  nobody likes to go with me.  it's fun to sneak off a bit.  but sometimes i wish it would combine with the kids or the friends section.  but...that's part of my weird that annoys others.  i just like to take time to marvel.  whether it's a place in the city.  or a mountain drive.  or a drive on a beach.  far and away, taking time to just enjoy is one of my favorite small moments.  not rushing.  maybe because life is always so rushed?
i love the little moments.  the expected things that are really unexpected.  because each one.  each time.  is new.  every. single.  day.  and for me, that's huge.
i love the little things.

Perfectly Peaceful

whew. yesterday was our thanksgiving. there were about 24 people here...i think...
but it wasn't the how many.  it wasn't even what we ate....which was satisfying, delicious and abundant.  it was something else for me.  something more.  something deeper.
it was good.
i don't mean that everything came off well.  that i cooked the most amazing things ever.  i don't mean that my house was martha stewart ready.  or that my table was set with the finest.  i don't mean that i had the most beautiful desserts.  i don't mean that i was socially adept.  or that i led the conversation to deep and meaningful content.  i didn't even pray...we sang the doxology and then the kids were ready to eat. :) and i decided that was ok.  but i have an idea for a new tradition next year.  a thankful jar where we put our thanks and we draw them out and read for each other.  i really didn't do anything special.
but it was special.  a great kind of good.
it was novel.
because finally.
i felt like me.
i felt relaxed.
it felt good having people in our home.
i didn't feel like i just had to endure it.
and i actually wanted to do it again.
it was peaceful. to me.
i'm not certain that it was the "best ever" for anyone.
all i know is that i was calm. serene. at peace.
and for THAT i give thanks.
it has been a long time.  i wasn't worried or troubled.
i was happy.
i don't think that i made it into a single photo.  but i made some great memories.  holding a baby...alone in my room....in the darkening evening light.  playing with my kindergarten grandson and having him roll all over me on the couch and in the chair.  nobody to observe.  just us.  again, just perfect.  i guess it's part of who i am.
i had a good day.  i had a fabulous day.  because i know for certain that peace is one of the greatest gifts.
to sit around the table without tension.  wow.  unbelievably marvelous.
like fresh, cool water on a hot day.
nobody else had to get it. or feel it.  or know it.
but i wondered if they did.
too awkward to ask...."hey, did you notice how peaceful i was?" ha.
i'll just savor it.
blessings.

god has a plan

it's easy as a parent to want to fix.  to lead.  to push.  to mold.  and to some degree, those things are good.  expected.  and just wonderful if the children are young.  but as they become older, as they grow, as they spread their wings and leave our nest, parenting takes on a new facet.  it's time to quit telling and start believing.  believing when they can't.  believing in who they are.  believing in who they can be.  but most of all, believing that god has a plan that is just right for them and that he is busily working out that plan.  it's time to stay out of the way.  to let them falter some.  even fall.  it's time to let them find out what they really want, not what you want for them.
and it's beautiful.  and harder than any other facet of parenting.  letting go.  releasing.  relinquishing.  giving over.  and finding god faithful.  in all things.  to nurture and care.  to grow and assist.  to meet them where they are.
and it causes me to grow.  to increase my trust.  it causes my faith to soar and my hope to be renewed.  god uses this time of life to prove to me how very much he loves and cares for each of us...by showing me how he watches over and reaches out to my children as they go through their stages.  part of the time they are just selfish.  it's true.  heartbreaking.  troubling.  and yet, as i watch, god shows how he doesn't mind the stage but actually uses it to bring understanding into their hearts. true understanding.  not convincing.  and that a life that is not fake is a life that he can use.
i don't want to interfere in my kids' lives and cause them to become fakers of faith.  i instead want to pray for them faithfully and see them become real and true believers.  full of his spirit, not rules and regs.
god has a plan.  it's not my plan.  it's not your plan.  it's his plan.  for each individual kid of ours.  and we don't get a say  at all.  we just get to pray for his will to be done.  not ours.  his.  it is the greatest honor of being the parent of older and adult children...to become their unknown prayer warriors.   the one who intercedes to the father.  who trusts him no matter where or how the "child" is.
god has a plan.
i love that.
i love this stage.
it's inspiring.
blessings.

appreciation

i appreciate being taken care of.  a lot.  having it done so little through the years of my marriage makes me incredibly aware of the little things.  tonight, i had to make my own bed up...i'm sick and i spilled ginger ale in it, so i had to wash the linens and remake the bed.  that's no easy task when you're sick.  and i am good at forcing myself to do things.  at pushing to "get it done".  but, i got sick yesterday and a friend took me home.  got me some meds and some ginger ale and crackers.  she kept my car.  i guess she knows me pretty well.  she took my daughter to practice today.  and picked her up.  and went to wal-mart to pick up a mattress.  she did so much.  i'm so thankful.
i appreciate those seemingly little things so very much.
life might have been bad.  it might have been painful.  but the beautiful result is the appreciation.  the good.  the loveliness.  that i see.
i am sensitive to it.  aware.
and though the past was hard, it makes the present more appreciated.
blessings.

eyes of a child

looking into the eyes of a child is revealing.  a billboard.  a sign.  a notice.  of what is going on.  an advertisement of what he needs.  or wants. or hopes for.  or fears.  looking into their eyes shows me who they are.  and yet.

sometimes i get too busy.

i'm trying to teach the curriculum

trying to teach a new concept.

trying to get across an idea.  

and i forget that i'm not teaching ideas.  or facts.  or thinking.

i am teaching children.

a child.

one at a time.

and the best days are the days that i teach them.

that i find them where they are and look into their eyes and see who they are.

what they need.

what encourages.

what scares.

those are the best days.

so i think that i'll go about making more best days.

blessings.

fed

food.  for the tummy.  for the soul.  i crave food.  i was so worn out tonight.  so amazingly tired.  god woke me up to be with a friend via text as she sat with a dying parent in the wee hours.  though i was tired, being able to do a little thing is food for the soul.  but then there was that really long day.  a day with little  appreciation.  a day full of too much to do on too little sleep with too little nutritionally rich food.  but....i made it through.  carried.  blessed.  held.  because i am fed.  even when i can't feed myself.  when i can't even pick up the fork.  god feeds me.  comforts me.  whispers love to me.  and i'm so glad that i cooked yesterday...because when i came home physically famished, all i had to do was heat it up and eat.  warm, nutritious soup.  filling.  comforting.
i am fed.
and though i am bone tired, i am not hungry.  i am satisfied.  with good things.  heart.  soul.  body.
it's a beautiful thing.
blessings.

renew a right spirit....

what does it really mean, i wonder.  to renew a RIGHT spirit.  not a "normal" spirit.  not a boring spirit.  not a perfect spirit.  but....right.  i used to think that it was to make me turn from sin.  and...to some degree, that's true.  but i think that it's more.  i think that it is renewing me to be in sync with my creator.  to connect on deep levels.  to be made one with him.  to be seen as righteous has happened.....because i'm clothed in jesus.  that is how it is.  but, sometimes, inward turmoil keeps my spirit from being righted.  upright.  stable.  i think that when god renews that spirit, MY spirit, he does what i used to do with my children's toy boats in the lake.....stand them back up so that they can float again.  sometimes my spirit is sinking.  tipped over.  askew.  and god puts it right again.
life is hectic.  tiring.  wearing.  and FUN.  life is so very fun.  so wonderful.  so full of beauty.  when god makes things right in me, i am able to see the beauty he creates.  i am able to marvel at each of the miracles he provides each day.  i am able to walk in sync with him.  in rhythm.  not afraid.  not wondering when i am going to misstep, but just as it is with a good dancer to lead, simply following and letting him hold on and make the turns.  yep.
renew.  a.  right.  spirit.  in.  me.  please.

thank you.

fearless revisited.

the year is in a slide to the end.  it's coming fast.  and i was thinking about my word of the year.  it has come back over and over.  a sweet refrain.  fearless. fearless. fearless.
but i'm hard on myself.  i keep on seeing the next goal, the next fear that i have not yet conquered.
so today, in the wee hours, i decided to do something different. i decided to reflect upon the fears that i have faced.  that i have gone fearlessly towards and have now left behind.
i used to be afraid to go to church.  not just not like it.  afraid.  because people weren't nice.  i did it anyway. but...finally, i decided that i don't have anything to prove and that i can give myself permission not to subject myself to going to church with my ex anymore.
money.  i was so scared.  i was still hearing my ex's voice that i was going to fail. and i went forward anyway.  and i'm not perfect at it.  i got in a hole.  nothing unfixable.  but....i learned that i can spend and i can save and i can make it.  i learned that god IS my provider.
i have faced visiting in awkward and generally uncomfortable situations.
i have worked.  and faced the mountain of responsibility that comes with my job.
i have faced my health head on.  with limited whining.  ok, mostly.  but with a fearless heart.
i have walked a tough journey without a whole lot of support.
i have learned to live again.  that is perhaps the hardest things of all.  not allowing health or work or ex or raising kids or tired or whatever...to take away from this gift of life.
i am becoming fearless.  regularly.
even when i'm uncomfortable.
and i am fearless enough to say no.  i don't want to.  not interested. it's not worth my emotional energy.  when it is what is right for me.
fearless.
feels pretty damn good.

basketball

my ex is practically giddy.  our daughter is going to play basketball.  our boys were good players, but wouldn't play on the team.  their dad was so competitive with them.  he didn't lift them up and make them feel confident....he let them know what they were doing wrong and mostly, how he was better.
but this is a daughter.  he even took her to get shoes last night.  paid for them.  that's......huge.  for him.  it's good for her too.
i am happy that she is doing this.  happy that she wants to.  happy that it gives her and her dad an activity that he enjoys so that she will see him.  that's what i've come to realize....if he has something that he really likes to do and the kids will do it with him, then they do something together...then they see one another.  if there's not, then they don't.  there's a rather convenient way to parent.
i hope that he is encouraging.  it would be really wonderful if she could have that from her dad.  a true gift.  because there's not much there.  unfortunately, she kind of uses him to get what she wants.  not in a relational way....in a "do this for me" sort of way.
last night she just said that practice begins today.  i had asked if it was after thanksgiving break.  she had thought so.  i figured we would take her for her physical and do the shopping over break.  then last night, while i was out running a friend to something, my daughter calls.  practice begins tomorrow.  she wants new shorts.  she wants basketball shoes.  she has great running shoes.  she has shorts from p.e.  i told her that she could use those today, but that i would talk to her in 15 minutes when i got home.  i told her that she could wear what she had for just one day...and that we would get things today.  but, by the time i got home, she had facebooked with her dad.  yep.  they talk rarely.  she started the conversation with her phone probably being in his car.  if it is, it's been there for two days already.  then, she let him know that basketball was beginning today and she didn't have what she needed.  by the time i got home, she had a plan....he was going to pick her up to take her to get what she wanted.  i didn't get mad at her.  but i did explain again that her again that communicating times and dates for events and plans was important and that waiting until 12 hours until the next school day is not really ok.  i also said that it made me sad that she acted to her dad as if it was something i wouldn't do when i had just heard about it.
hey, we're not even sure she can play today.  no physical form. she doesn't even know where practice will be since we were displaced by the flood.  she has no phone.  she has no idea what TIME practice begins or ends.  really.  nor what days it is.  or when they play games.  i have no basketball paper from the coach.  it went from "i think i want to play basketball and i'm getting some friends to do it too, " to "it's tomorrow and i need my stuff."  and she got her dad to take her out and do it.  i've told her before that it's not healthy to use people like that.  she doesn't seem to care....seeing as how she manipulates it to get what she wants.  and he gets to feel like a hero.
that's ok.  i hadn't budgeted for shoes this week.  and he buys them very little.
but still.....it's not the healthiest thing for my daughter as she hurtles toward being an adult.  i wish that they had something more than that.  guess i'll just let her take what she can get.
it has been a rather tough week.  i woke up early and realized...it's only wednesday.  wow.  really?
ok, lord, carry me on through, cuz this is one of those tough times.
blessings.

appreciation

i get by without the need for much hoopla about me.  i don't require constant ego stroking.  i get along just fine with a quiet place and a meaningful job to do.
but.  lately.  i don't feel as if i am appreciated.  i know that i must be.  probably am.  but it just feels like what is told about me.  what is heard about me.  what is verbalized....is how i need to improve.  and it's true.  i do.  i have a lot of things that are subpar.
especially as i work through all of the emotions and struggles from the pain of my marriage.  it affects me.  and it probably makes me not that much fun to be around.
and it feels like i need to be a lot more as a teacher.  but it just feels like though that is true.....it would be nice to get built up in the things that are good...that are going right.
and so, i was stressed earlier tonight.  feeling sorry for myself just a little bit.
but i'm better now.
i have to choose how to feel.  i have to choose my attitude.
things can keep pounding away at me, but i ultimately am responsible for how i act and for what i choose.  i am learning how to do it better.
i nearly lost it in a puddle of tears today.
but.  i didn't.
people may not see me.
they may not appreciate.
or.  they may appreciate, but not mention it.
or.  they may say something.
no matter what they do.  or say.  or don't say.  or think.  or don't think.
it doesn't really matter.
i want to do what i can with who i am to touch other people's lives.
when i get to the end of my life, i want to know inside that i cared as deeply as i could.  that i gave my heart.
i can't change what others give me.
but i can remember to appreciate myself.
i almost forgot that today.  i almost...and actually did, for a few minutes....wished to be like other people.  but i'm not.  and i need to be an advocate for myself.  i need to appreciate who i am.  i need to enjoy who i am.  i need to be thankful for what i can do.
yep, it HAS been hard.  i respond to kindness.  to words.  to gentleness.  to caring.  so....yeah, it's hard to hear the negative stuff, the unflattering stuff.  it's hard to come up short in others' eyes.
but as for me, i think i've done well.  i know i have.  i've seen kids learning.  it's AMAZING.
so...i'll keep at it.
blessings.

i'll speak your language

love means being willing to speak someone's language.  if you date someone who speaks a different language, one way you show love is to find the special phrases and words that touch their heart.  it's true even when two people speak the exact same language.  love means finding the things that allow the other person to hear your love, to sense your love, to feel loved.  it's not just enough to have love in our hearts.  that love is useless.  no, much like faith without works is invisible, love without received expression is also invisible.  when you love, it means choosing not only to live in your own lifestyle, in your own love language, but in another person's as well.  it means finding those "words" that open the door into the other person's soul and allows them to know your love.  it's like a type of translator between what one person feels (says) and what the other person feels (understands) because of it.  when we genuinely love....when we are not just simply infatuated for our own happiness or purposes....we learn to speak that language.  and when we are loved in return, they learn to speak ours as well.  it's true in spouses, parents to children, siblings, and friends.  showing love often means learning a new way of expressing it.....at least new to the giver.
blessings.

biggest goof

a cloud.
a sunbeam.
a leaf.
a smile.
a song.
a hug.
that certain color of spring tree green.
ocean sounds
sunset
sunrise
jetstream
a mockingbird
a comfy blanket
a place with a view
a cup of coffee

i guess i'm just a big goof
but it doesn't take much to make me happy
amazed
thrilled
thankful

actually.
i usually try to keep it to myself.
but sometimes it slips out.
and i see people have that
"realllly?" look.
and i feel embarrassed.
and decide that i'll be more careful about saying
"check out how pretty the sky is...."
because nobody really cares.
welllll.
actually,
somebody does.
i do.
and strangely enough
i've infected my kids.
at least we are weird together.
blessings.

hard work

i work hard.  inordinately hard.  and yet, not even close to as hard as some of my co-workers.  and i get griped at.  i hear complaints.  my boss was irritated today.  my students love me....or hate me.  some days, it feels like we have gained the peaks.   others, it feels like we'll never get out of the valleys.  it's constant.  it's huge.  and it's scary.  i don't want to fail the children.  i want to be a teacher worth having.  one that changes lives.  that says the good.  that loves.  that is firm enough to make kids stop and think about who they really want to be...who they can be.
i work really hard.  i get really tired.
yet.
yes.
yet.
i enjoy my work.
it satisfies.
because it matters.
because the children matter.
because the parents matter.
so much goes on.
this week another parent of a student died. yes, another.  in the last three weeks.
this one overdosed.
the other one had a heart attack.  unexpectantly.
two kids that i know of are just in the beginnings of divorce.
as in the last couple of weeks.
so many have mom's live in boyfriend with them.
prison.
drugs.
abuse.
it's.
hard.
and
yet.
yes.
yet.
it matters that i show up.
love.
care.
pray.
expect much.
push.
hold on.
it matters.
though so many days i feel like a failure.
totally.
it's not about me.
it's about lifting them up.
until they can hold themselves up
so, tired
and worn
and weary
and exhausted
and heartsick
i get up
each new day
and go again
because maybe
someday
something i said
something i did
something i believed
will change their lives
will awaken hope in them
will keep them safe
maybe.
it's hard work
for me
it's god's work through me
blessings.

more laughing

more laughing, less bitching.  that's the team goal for my fifth grade team.  we have found ourselves overwhelmed, feeling negative, troubled, pushed too hard with not enough resources, tooooo much work.  and so, the day that we met to, once again, have to articulate together what our goal is, i threw it out there...."more laughing, less bitching." it has stuck.  more making one another find the humor.  more stopping to find a reason to laugh.  more helping each other to simply be people who really do love kids and teaching...though we are in a rough patch.
now, all we have to say is "more laughing" and it throws us into silliness.
it works for life in general too.
sometimes, it's just time to find a reason or two to laugh again.
happy.
i like happy.
joy is always there.  waiting.  growing.
but happy is like good medicine.  it swells up and is contagious.
i want to be a happy heart in the world in which i walk.
blessings.

dreams

haunting.  characters of my past.  and present.  the perfect, most wonderful house.  seriously amazing.  not fancy.  old fashioned.  hidey holes.  plenty of rooms.  comfortable.  high ceilings.  but.  on the perimeter of the lives.  not sure what to do.  not included.  keep asking where it would be convenient for me to sleep.  never an answer.  though things are happy.  fun.  eventually, i fix up a bike and go for a ride.  on my own.  feeling free.  taking a breath.  even awake, i can feel the breath that i took when i decided to step out of being ignored.  decided that there was something that i could do that would make me happy without an answer.  without being included in plans or events.
hmmm.  guess my mind is working these things over.
because on my bike ride, it occurs to me.  oh yeah, i get to choose, i own that house.
i own my life.  i get to choose.  i have to choose.  and whether i choose to keep waiting for people to acknowledge me or whether i get on my bike and ride off is completely up to me.  but if i stay in the position, it also means that i made a choice.
it was an uncomfortable dream for many hours of the night.  one of those you keep going back to when you awaken and drift back off.  i am definitely in a working things out stage.  i looked up how much my house might be worth last night.  monday i called the friend that has been pushing me away.  she started out cold.  uncomfortable.  but i said my spiel.  that i want to be here for her whatever she needs or whatever she decides, that i have no predetermined idea of what is good for her or how i hope things go in her marriage.  i just want her to know that i am for her.  support her.  love her.  she was still defensive.  not mean.  just not wanting or needing me.  so i talked about her kids.  let her talk about them.  then let her go gracefully.  i can be loving.  i can be kind.  i can't make her want me as a friend.  not an acquaintance.  a friend.  she probably has enough already as she is quite popular.  that's ok.  i can still love.  even if it's from the outside looking in.
because, as i reminded myself as i again worked things out in my dream......i have to choose.  and i have to take responsibility for my choices.  i've had to do so with church.  that was hard.  it was hard to tell my kids where i am.  how it feels awkward.  how it seems better to just let them have consistency and being comfortable.  but i had to say that it's my choice.  my decision.  without badmouthing their dad.  or people who really hurt me.  without telling them that the lack of support has been crushing.
sleeping is good.  because in this time of life, sometimes it takes my subconscious to remind my conscious self that life is good.  that it's ok.  that some things have really hurt.  and continue to hurt.  but i have choices.  i own my life.  and i have to choose what to do.  lovingly and kindly to others, but also to myself.  i forget that sometimes.
blessings.

love

loving my kids.  it's a hard deal.  oh no, it's not that they are difficult to love.  quite the opposite. i love them like i breathe...without even thinking about it.  it's natural.  it's intense.  it's a part of me.  and that love can cause a lot of pain.  because when they hurt, i wish that they didn't have to.  i wish that i could carry it for them.but it's not possible.  their lives are their own.  their pain is their own.  and while my tears flow in empathy, and my heart catches in my chest, I have to let them walk the path set before them.  they are sweet.  and good.  and ornery.  and wonderful.  and smart.  and inquisitive.  and god has good plans for them.  and he is about causing those plans to come to fruition.  and i know that i have to stay out of the way.  and let him work.  even when they hurt.  it's ok to hurt sometimes.  to wonder.  to be unsure.  to mess up.  god still has a plan.
but boy, it hurts this mama's heart to know when they have pain.  so, i do what i can.  i pray.  i release.  i encourage.  i trust.  i believe that they will come to the right place on their own.  and i pray some more.  and let go some more.  and i weep.  and i keep on believing.  knowing.  having faith.  for the love i have for them is miniscule in comparison to the love that their god has for them.  and that floors me.  i can't even imagine.  how beautiful.  i can trust my beloveds to him.  wholly.  completely.
what a comfort.

change

my son.  eldest first born.  kind hearted.  not spiritually motivated right now.  but, a nice young man.  he has been with his girlfriend for over four years.  and they broke up tonight. it hurts  lots of fond memories.  for all of us.  they made a good decision together.  but it hurts...them...and me.  and it will hurt for others for awhile too.   not because it's not good, but just because it's change.  it has been all of his adult life.  and hers.  she was his first love.  so they won't be seeing each other for awhile...to make it easier.  but, then they plan on seeing one another.  she is still welcome in our world.
i ache for them.  because it was probably a very good decision. yet, it's hard to get out of the rut and make it.  it's painful.  it's a huge loss.
i hope she goes home and gets lots of loving.  because her dog died today too.  and he is where she would normally go for comfort.  for hugs.  for snuggles.  poor thing.
and he depends on her.  and it's going to be hard for him to get some things done.  he's not used to doing it on his own.
but, though those things are true, i know that they had grown apart.  i saw it back in the summer.  they like each other.  they just are headed different ways.
but it's still hard.  really, really hard.  because i know that they are going through huge emotional upheaval.  and to have chosen that means that they need to do it.
and it might be forever.  and it might not.
my son needs to find out how to follow through on his own.  how to be determined, on his own.  he has always had her.
talking with her is hard too.  they have loved.  and even now...they want to do it well.  so proud of them. and so sad.  and she also found out that her grandpa only has a couple of weeks to live.  my heart is heavy.
i am so proud. they are being wise.  not just going with the flow.
god, may your will be done.
blessings.

i'm blessed

though i hurt.  though so much just crushes me.  while everyone goes on.  and i am invisible.  not seen.  my tears.  my sobbing.  my barely holding it together.  and that's ok.  i don't have to be together now.  i'm in my comfy comforters.  in my jammies.  there's nobody to tell how much the things today have hurt.
my eldest son...the one that is adopted.....who told me when i got divorced that he saw exactly why and that he would be a support, who actually saw the crap and realized what was needed.....has gone completely to his dad's side.  he spends time.  tells him things.  and even asked him to babysit next saturday.  which is, according to the smirk on my youngest son's face, humorous.  and for the couple of uncovered hours, we weren't asked.  a friend was.  and my youngest made me smile when he said that it was ok because we might have a parade and now we can sleep in.  true enough.  we've had very little sleeping in lately.  so, i'll look at it that way.  and i'll be happy.  though i ache.  and i'll remember that my eldest is a master manipulator to get what he wants....as is his dad...so maybe they will suit one another.
there's nobody to say these things to.
you guys are it.
to say how hard it is to put so much of life into a church and receive so very little.
to see my ex so embraced and supported.  because he stayed.  because he's stubborn.  made it so hard.  wouldn't share opposite sundays as i asked with the kids.
i'm ready to move on from having to remember all of the whys of my choice to divorce......i mean, past reliving the hurts and emotional abuse.....but it feels like this stuff happens and i have to remind myself of why.  because nobody sees me.  only him.  nobody hears me.  his charm dilutes the truth.
i think that i have to quit writing and pull up the covers.  today turned out to be a hard day...even moreso because i didn't expect it.  i was thinking how jesus felt when judas kissed him.  a friend.  going to the other side.  i get it a little bit better.  it hurts.
i'm going to sleep.
on the up side, i got a hug.  a pity hug, but a hug.
but i couldn't spill all of the words.  couldn't say how unfair my friend was.  couldn't dump it.  couldn't just break down.  because what is hurting me is my friends.  and i just have to keep figuring out how to let it go.  i had been gone from the church thing for a month.  and going to pick up today was probably just a kick because i got out of the habit of seeing it.  it's probably not that healthy.  maybe i should just have the kids come out to the car after church and skip going in.  then i don't have to see the stuff that hurts me so very much.  then i don't have to be snubbed.  because it is getting truly old.  and for that month....i was a pretty happy camper.
i would have stayed at church if he would have manned up and left.  but he didn't.  so i have to deal with what is reality.  and he knew it would be hard for me.  knew that i would struggle.  he's not about relationships.  i am.  he knows how to use that.
always has.
so....maybe i need to just go cold turkey and never go in...except for special events for the kids.  perhaps that is right.  makes me ill.
but it also...makes me relieved.
because it's too hard being there and being all alone  nobody comes and talks to me.  it's weird.  maybe i forgot my deodorant.  don't know.  but it sure hurts.  time to change that.
and it makes me remember how much it hurts not to be missed.  to have people that i love just go on and go to church and live in that world and be completely happy with me gone.  unnoticed.  oh well.  i had let it go.  i need to keep letting it go.
blessings.

hugs

i get a hug or two from my son a day.  and one from my daughter.  some kids at school are huggers.  i'm thankful for this.  i'm tactile.  and while i can ask for hugs, that feels awkward to my introvert self.  if i do it, i'm desperate.  just the contact and comfort is so encouraging. but it's rare.
i think that the reason i was so taken aback by the person who snubbed me this morning is that it happened twice.  and the biggest reason that i was so hurt was that i was getting ready to jump out of my car and go give her a quick hug to encourage her.  to tell her without any words that i support her in whatever she needs.  but, she walked away.  twice.  later, inside, when i walked up to people that she was talking with, she looked across the room and said, "i've got to go see....".  she hustled away and i didn't see her again.
slowly i'm learning to move on.  but some relationships are harder than others.  i've tried not to be too needy.  tried to keep the facts to a minimum.  tried to be as positive as possible.  and i've found myself rather isolated.
it's hard.
but it's real.
and it will get better.

gut punch

i felt so thankful.  still do.  i can let go of not being cherished or treasured at my church.  not being sought out, missed or helped.  that has past.  but how is it that i continue to be sucker punched?
i was dropping off my kids and saw someone that i consider a good friend.  someone special.  not just an acquaintance.  i veered over by her and slid down my window.  she barely raised her hand and kept walking.  i called her son over because i had something that i needed to ask him.  but she just blazed onward.  no sweet moment.  no hug.  nothing.  and i got to thinking....the last two times i have called her, she hasn't even answered.  this from a woman that answers her phone ALL of the time.  i have sent texts to invite her or to check on her and gotten no response.  i have talked to her a bit on facebook and she answers quickly and then says goodbye.and then i realized that in all of this time the only time she has contacted me was to go see another friend with her.  she hasn't asked me over.  taken me for a meal.  brought me a meal. or showed me a bit of compassion for the difficulties of my non marriage.  but, when we are with other mutual friends, she acts like things are hunky dory.  she is going through hard times.  i get that.  though she never got it with me.  but....it hurt.  a lot.
then i went back to church to get my kids and that whole ex thing just about made me physically ill.  i almost bawled right there.  he sits in a pew.  with my kids.  who i raise day to day.  who he sees only at his convenience.  and acts like all is good.  like father of the year.  and people that i care about sit by.  and give credibility to the lie that he is promoting.  and he knows that.  and it is. so. very. incredibly.  excruciatingly. difficult.  but, i didn't lose it.  i didn't flee.  though i stood with people parting around me to go see others.  i stayed anyway.  though i was physically ill.
gathered my sweeties.  and as we are leaving, my son tells me that he made plans with his dad.  when i specifically talked with him about lunch and would he be here or did he have plans.....he was coming home.  i made beef roast AND beef ribs.  his favorite.  and he's going to lunch with his dad.  so i ordered chinese and my daughter will eat.  i have lost any appetite.
i wrote my ex over a week ago about holiday plans.  no response.  he varies with responding between sickeningly sweet and ignoring.  guess right now is ignoring.  because it gives him power.  because he thinks that i can't make plans if we don't communicate.  and if it's like last year, he'll talk to the kids before he talks to me.
he is not a good guy.  he isn't kind and generous.  he isn't the responsible, full of integrity guy that he acts like at church.  he has a great facade.  he plays it up well.  he makes me sick.  literally.
but the ex with friends.  that's going to take awhile.  and the friends that don't just say that they aren't interested anymore, but make life hard.  that's really rough.  i am tired of all of this
i want to be thankful and not knocked off of my feet.  i want to take away his power.  my church has hurt me deeply.  but i don't badmouth them to anyone.  but they really have hurt me.  a lot.
eventually....this pain will also pass.
i'll make it.  just weak with the hurt right now.

my favorite holiday

i love thanksgiving.  the food.  the warmth.  the family.  i absolutely love it.  there's not much to prepare but a meal.  turkey.  taters.  pie. sigh.  yum.
and i love the preparing the heart month.  30 days of giving thanks.
and today, i had the oddest thing to be thankful for when i awoke.  i realized that i'm able to face the fact that i'm not missed at my church without heartbreak or anger.  i am thankful that i can finally just let it be what it is.  it nearly killed me that not even my friends let me know that they miss me.  of all things that would seem not to matter much, for me, this was a huge one.  a hurdle.  and i've jumped it. not alone.  with the strength that god gives.  with time.  tears.  grief.  i've chosen.  and though i falter at times, mostly, i kind of just forget that pain...at least consciously.  i move on.  to what god has for me.  because he does have things for me.  people for me.  or not.  but life is full.  breathing.  feeling peace.  relief.
i am so thankful for the relief in my soul.  totally relieved.
and i am thankful for dreams for the future.  a future full of possibility and not fear.
i am thankful for being able to learn to save money and to make mistakes and still be able to breathe.
i am thankful.
for my beautiful kids.  mine and the ones that aren't mine but that bless my life so much.  so very thankful.  the best teachers ever.
i am thankful for true friends.  even if i  am not their family, i still am quite blessed by the friends i have.
i am thankful for work.  my job.  which has been really hard.  but immensely satisfying.  i fight back for the ability to teach children and not to jump through hoops.
i am thankful for the opportunity to give.
i am thankful for my bed.  i love being in my bed.
i am thankful for the beauty outside.
i am thankful for time to just sit.
and enjoy
for good food
for wine
for gentle hearts
especially for gentle hearts.
i am thankful.

at your convenience

my ex takes time with his kids.  at his convenience.  and it bothers me.  because that's not parenting.  it's.....i don't even know what it is....it's lame, though.  it says that you are not willing to make a commitment to the tough stuff but would love to show up when it's convenient and there's something fun to do.  and that must hurt the kids.  though they may not even realize it consciously.
yes.  whatever.  at your convenience.  and in the meantime, they are growing up.  going away.  making lives.  and you lose out on relationship.
sad.  for them.  for you.
oh, i wonder why you are a man who cares so deeply for yourself and so little for those around you.