irritated

boundaries.  i have grown in being able to set them.  in not feeling guilty for having them.  in knowing what i actually want and being able to say so.  so, when i am ignored and not heard, i feel....wronged.  that happened today.
it all started because i need help getting my college student that is about 350 miles away home this week.  he gets out of school while i am in school.  the end of the school year is hectic and having someone pick him up seemed like a good plan.  his oldest biological brother....four years older...was the one i asked.  he's 22 and lives on his own.  however, he is also a college student and has his first round of finals this weekend.  plus, he works the day that his brother needs picked up.  but he was more than willing.  last time, when i ended up flying my far away son home, his brother had been set to go.  he didn't ask for anything or negotiate.  he just volunteered.  now, eldest brother, 33, said, "you've got another son, why didn't you ask me?"  i responded that i didn't know that he could go or would be willing.  he has a wife and three kids.  but, he was offended not to have been asked.  so, i ask, and he says yes.  relief.  but he will only do it if the younger brother at school calls him and asks him.  oookkkk.  he never calls anyone.  he texts.  he facebooks.  he....just doesn't call.  except for his mom once in a while.  but, i tell younger brother that to get the ride, he has to call, so he does.  hoop one jumped through.  then, elest son calls about gas.  now, i did say that i'd reimburse for gas.  but, it was..."how much?" and , "i need it before i go."  and "i want to be sure that it's enough".  "oh, and are you still going to spring for a hotel room?"  sigh.  there goes almost $300.  then, "we only have one cell phone, i need one for the trip."  i respond that i can't give up ours as it's our only means of communicating...no home phone anymore.  i say that i'll figure it out.  jump forward to the next day....i get a text from the baby brother that is still in high school and living at home that his eldest brother wants his phone.  i say no.  i say that i'll take care of it.  i go to walmart and buy a disposable phone.  i go to eldest son's house.  eldest son is at my house....getting brother's phone.  sigh.  he arrives as i am leaving and i take back the phone.  and....he is IRRITATED.  really?  seriously?  i just dropped off a phone, $200 in cash, a mcdonalds card AND got a nice hotel room.  no thank you.  no nothing.  just a look.  unhappy.  he wants more.  a crap phone and brother's phone is nice....but brother is half his age and lives at home!  and i pay for that phone every month.  and he has no data plan.  and he can't break his phone or he has to pay for it.  and if brother breaks it, he doesn't have the money to replace it.  aaarrrggh.  he's IRRITATED?  why is he irritated?
he doesn't come and mow or weedeat or shovel my snow.  he doesn't help with house maintenance.  he doesn't do chores when he's here...like dishes if we've had a meal.  he doesn't trim the trees or paint the barn.  but he wants me to be a mother that is willing to give.  and i am.  but i'm in charge of what i'm willing to give.  and i am generous.  that's what hurt me.  i like to give.  i like to make things smooth.  but no matter what i do for him, he wants better.  he is.....jealous, i think.
makes me sad.  hurts me.  and makes it hard for me to have those boundaries.  but i need them.  he pushes hard against them.  but, i took back the phone and went home.  and he'll go.  but he's pissed.  oh well.  i guess sometimes it just turns out that way.  i really did try.  wish i'd just gone myself.  really.

fuzzy

there's warm and fuzzy.  that's a good thing.  like a cuddly puppy or kitten.  it feels safe.  comforting.
or fuzzy socks.  they warm us on our sick days.  ski days.  freezing cold arctic days.  comforting.
or fuzzy blankets.  enveloping.  warming.  cuddling.  peace giving.  comforting.
then, there's another kind of fuzzy.
the kind of fuzzy on the radio station.  things aren't clear.  sounds come in and out.  irritating.
or  the fuzzy tv screen when the winds rage and you have satellite.  the blips.  the blackness.  irritating.
or the fuzzy mind.  thoughts fading away.  coming back. always slightly out of reach. scary.  irritating.

i finally found my grandmother.  she doesn't remember me.  well, the remembers the idea of me.  maybe the childhood me.  it was hard.  but she was there.  at least i got to say that i love her.  that she meant a lot to my life.  and she told me...in the midst of all of the fuzzy....how much she has always loved me.


it's all fuzzy now.  through the tears.  as i struggle to hold them back.  wondering so many things.  thinking so many thoughts.  and....simply moving into the day that is planned for me.

blessings.

saying yes

yesterday, i got up with that nagging headache and sore throat that you dread feeling.  but, i got up and got my kids going because it was prom night.  we had errands to run....flowers to pick up, cash to get, tux, underclothes....and we had to firm up the schedule so that mom could get to two different sets of pics.  with all of that, i knew that after i got them going, i'd be able to rest so that i'd be alert to go pick up at after prom at 4am.  but then the decision moment came.  my son's group wanted to have their dinner outside at the park.  nine people.  five in long dresses.  rain was forecast.  but they really wanted it.  so.  i said yes.  i said, let some moms help you.  we will set up and take down.  order food.  make pretty.  bring a table and chairs.  there went my resting plan.  ha.  but that's ok.  saying yes makes way for memories.  even if it costs.
so, i woke up this morning...nearly afternoon after the long drive....and that headache and sore throat were worse.  much worse.  and yet...i was happy.  i said yes.  and we won't forget the night.  the photos.  the smiles.  the event.  and today, i'm a bed potato.  but that's ok.  so are my kids.  we are all limp and tired.  and happy.
the other great part about saying yes was remembering my best friend who is so willing to say yes.  she always has inspired me.  so many people i'm around say no all of the time.  especially to kids.  she said yes as well.  and the solidarity made me feel doubly blessed.
on to more rest...
blessings.

steak and tater

having a steak at home when it's only you is super cheap.  and fast.  really fast.  i got home, cooked and have eaten in less than an hour.  crazy, huh?
it was nice.
but, i learned that it's difficult to find steak for one!  go figure.  i've always had to buy meat in the family sized packs, so i hadn't ever really noticed.  now i do.
i noted how much time i spend alone as i got in my car at the grocery store.
i wasn't sad.  though, a bit somber.
it does feel odd to have made it to this place in life and not have anyone that calls to hang out.  or get a coffee.  or have a meal.  it's interesting.  fascinating.  guess that it's good that being alone isn't uncomfortable for me.
but in the parking lot, there was this moment.  slight.  fast.  but, it was there.  it was regret.
i  spent a lot of years married.  and usually, i don't regret it.  but, i gave up a whole lot when i got married.  my relationships.  my close bonds. they were severed by the needs of my ex.  by his need to always go see his family. no time for those that were close to me.  it was hard.  horrible.  but. i was trying to be a good wife.  a christian wife.
and what did it get me?  living my 50th year without calls or cards.  without letters or kudos.  i have people in my life.  i just find that i lost those that reached out to me.
and i don't think that i have it in me to build them again.
so.
yes.
the feeling came.
but it left.
i got to come home and eat quietly.
and i'll rest before i go pick up my kids.
it's all good.
blessings.

good times

many different kinds of times can be good times.  last night, it was good as i crawled into bed quite early with some shows and went to sleep early.  tonight i am getting some work done around the house, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen and just enjoying the quiet.  my kids are on a band trip.
life has been hectic.  i have been tired.  it's good to have some time without people who need something.  don't get me wrong, i adore my kids.  i'll miss them soon enough.  kinda do already.  i'm having popcorn for dinner.  it's a peaceful feeling.  i called a woman who has lived much longer, who loves the lord and has so much wisdom.  i just called to see how she is.  and to invite her to visit when i head to the beach this summer.
life has been full of a lot of emotions.  graduation is coming up and my ex has family coming in.  that's good.  but the drama is not.  it has already begun and it hurts my heart.  my prayer is that somehow my son will be able to be celebrated and not used as a pawn.  he deserves better.
my back door is open.  the sun is setting...not quite yet and it's almost 8:00 already.  crazy.  really crazy.  lovely.  i have grass in my backyard a foot high.  lovely.  tulips blooming in my messy, weedy, beautiful garden.  i love it.
life is good.  birds and dogs.  breezes and rain.  quiet time.  i need still times to recuperate.  this time helps.  feels good.
i'm glad to be divorced.  sometimes that makes me sad.  But then...i just decide to be thankful for the gift of life.  of living.  of hope.  of joy.  and to forgive myself.  one more time.
blessings.

He is risen

Yes.
Jesus died.
But, it didn't end there.
He came back to life.
He did so after fighting a battle on my behalf.
Dying wasn't the end.
It was the beginning of new life.
It is rather a theme for me.
New life out of death.
blessings.
A wonderful day.
Glorious even.
I have some amazing people in my life.
No church today.
That's ok.
Didn't need to watch the ex sing.
I'm alive.
Wow.
Now...on to the week.
blessings.

anyone there?

writing has not come easily lately.  that's difficult since it's where i process.  i have migraines during this season, so it makes it harder to write on a laptop when my head is worn out at the end of a long work day.  i've been whining too much.  complaining too much.  i even sunk to the place of emailing my ex to ask him to pay for his portion of the many end of year costs for our two high schoolers.  i have had so many high expenses that i can't even begin to explain to others.  and i don't really worry about it.  but this last five or six weeks, it's like they just keep rolling.  incessantly.  painfully.  and so, when my son mentioned that his friend's mom had gotten her ex to give the kids spending money for an upcoming trip, i felt.....like i needed to do it for him.  i needed to speak up on his behalf so that he wouldn't worry.
now, you would have to go back to the beginning of all of this blog to understand how money played into my married life.  it was horrible.  the guilt. constant.  the worry.  ever present.  the stinginess.  the norm.  all while acting nice around others.  being charming.  like he was.  before we married.
so, when he wrote back that he'd send a check,  when i spent the time writing and actually pushing send, when i said the things that he should do...it was harder than anyone can imagine.  like putting a knife through my foot.  or perhaps my skull.  it was tough.  and while saying the things might be what is supposed to be done, it hurts me because i know his games.  i know how he works.  how he does what will look good, but will leave the underlying things untouched....not addressed.  and i know that he'll use it to look good.  and it causes me pain.  i guess because nobody has seemed to notice the fact that i've leaned on god and done my thing and made it for more than TWO years.  he paid half of the kids running shoes ONCE when he signed them up for a 10k and they didn't have their $100 shoes yet.  seriously.  that is how life has been.  in two years, there was one other time...daughter wanted to play basketball and he really wanted her to.  she got him to take her for shoes.  and that's the second time he gave his half.  he has never asked.  the only money thing he asks is who to claim on his taxes and if he is still getting money from the rental house that i completely take care of....for two years.  which i agreed to do.  i just find it odd that he never steps up and says that he will pay something.  that he doesn't take his kids shopping for some clothes or whatever it is that they need.  i know that he'll use this "gift" to his advantage.
he has held things over me for years and i have enjoyed the freedom these last two years. but, it was important to my son.  so.  i've done it.  but it feels horrible.  asking someone for money who treated me with such disdain.  who takes everything.
and...now i also have to revisit whether he is going to help maintain the rental house.  and of all of the things, that makes me the sickest.
and there's nobody to tell.  no place to make it better.  i don't even have a church home anymore.  there aren't even people who followed up with me.  wow.
so.  tomorrow is easter.  and my kids will go to church.  and i won't.  because their dad will be in their row and i can't bear the sitting all alone anymore.  easter.  well...guess it saved me from getting a dress.
blessings.

living

life is for living.  for dreaming.  for reaching.  for not only trying, but doing  alive.  moving forward.  giving in to the hopes and believing that they can be
i sent my daughter on her first date tonight.  she was so brave.  it was a date to the symphony.  cool first date.  she is so very brave.
and i sent my son to prom.  he looked ever so dapper in his tux.  he put his arm out for his date, opened her door and treated her with respect.  he's amazing.
wow.
living.  i must live.
go to the beach.
work....but not as my life.
grow.
live.  truly live.
it's a strange day.  a beautiful day.
now, i get to finish my grading while sitting up late for my kids.
life is good.  

49th birthday

this birthday was lovely.  very simple.  but something happened that was life changing.  the person who did it just did it to be fun...to be kind.  little did she know how it fed my soul.  i guess that life is like that sometimes.
i was at school when the gifts began coming.  numbered gifts.  simple gifts.  a starbucks.  daffodils.  acai chocolate berries.  bubbles.   energy drink.  and the piece de resistance.....30 poppers so that my students could celebrate with me.  by the time the bubbles came, i cried.  you see, i don't recall anyone taking the time and being so purposeful for my birthday before.  i mean, i've had many nice times that have come together, but this was a plan.   a gift that was so much more than the elements.  it was the thoughtfulness.  the knowing me.  the making it last.
my birthday tends to come and simply go.  i'm usually relieved for it to go on by because for so many years it was terribly painful.
but this gift....the gift of being known and being shown my value by taking the time to do something just for me....it will stay with me for the rest of my life.
a good 49th.  now.....my year of jubilee.
blessings.

grilled

my son needs to come home from texas.  tonight he's being grilled on whether he had meningitis 17 years ago.  as an infant.  the family of the ex is arguing with him.  he had to contact me to "prove" it.  really?  why?  i don't get it. poor thing.
and it was just a long day.
but nicely restful.
being sick has a time. allows for just lazing around.
but having the only person i hear from being someone that is being grilled.  pushed.  prodded.  with his family.  it just.......sucks.
i keep thinking that the unhealthy will end.  no end in sight.
poor kids.  it's painful.

furniture

sometimes, the fact that i'm on my own strikes me.  i used to have people that knew what was happening.  who checked up.  who said the words, "just checking on you," or "how are you....really?"  i had people that actually saw me and gave me that which i give others.  dignity.  thanks.  appreciation.  encouragement.
and today, that on my own feeling kicked hard.
my daughter and i are sick.
not life threatening.  no big deal.
but there's not going to be a call from anyone today that just asks how i am and i get to tell and cray a little.  there's nobody that will call if there's not a reason.  or stop by.  nobody comes to do my dishes or bring me soup.  nope.  i'm in a new world.  a transitioning world.
because.
i don't plan on staying like this.
i need to have people around that meet those caretaking, loving, kind needs.  i can't go my whole life like this.
this.
i had to go to the store to take care of my little girl.  i had to drag myself up and out and go through the store in a fog with my head pounding.  i had to do it because she's my little girl.  and i've decided that i'm not going to keep reaching out to people and trying to make things close when they are not.  it's just nuts.  i mean, i could post that i want something.  but that's not the kind of relationship i'm talking about.  i'm talking about....family.  i am losing my friends that are family.  no.  nix that.  i've lost them.  even those that are still here.
if i get a text or a call or an email or a visit...it will only be because there's someone who needs something.  which..frankly...i'm glad to help with.
but, i've got to find a way to have people who remember that i'm sick and check on me.  i NEED that.  in my soul.  i need to be important enough.  because i spent too long in  a marriage putting all of my needs aside.  i spent too long allowing myself to be small and overlooked in order to keep hope of having something great alive.  that's not reality.  once people don't see you.  don't value you.  don't miss you.  don't notice when you are gone...or quiet...or sick...or hurting...or happy...or making plans.  once they think of you as a fixture..well...then, pretty much you are not family.  you are furniture.  i don't want to be furniture.  i can't spend my life like that.  i won't spend my life like that.
so.  i went to the store.  my daughter and i brought the stuff in and put it away.  juice pops and sherbet, canned soup, bread, toilet paper....don't forget the dog food....salad fixings, grilled cheese fixings, but too tired to make it right now, put it all away and went back to bed.  now daughter and i will be ok.  i will take care of her.  and i will take care of me.  until i am back to a plac ethat there are people in my life that see me again.  it will come.  this is just a transition. because, i am not furniture.
but that ex of mine has continued to make life horrid.  he does it so smoothly.  and i'm not going to fight.  anyone who should be my friend should just.....be my friend.  everyone else can sit on the fence or go with the ex, but i'm moving on.  it's going to take time.  it's going to take prayer and effort.  but i'm going to make it.
in the sad there's joy.  because i am alive.  i am aware of what is not ok.  and i know how to make it better.  i like that.
blessings.

on break

it is spring break.
and my mind has been on break. and my emotions.  and my writing.  and my staying on top of things.
on break.
because frankly...i'm kinda sad.
joyful? yes.  and sad.  hard to reconcile both, but there it is.
i think that the biggest reason that i find solace in moving away..though i would have absolutely nobody...is that....i wouldn't feel like i'm living in a place where i know loads of people and yet am alone.  it's the strangest sensation.
not a soul left my ex.  he gets so much tlc.  he displays himself.  he plays the victim.  he gets invites.  he is included.
me?  my daughter figured out that my birthday is coming up soon because she checked her birthday app on facebook.  really.
i guess that i don't feel very celebrated.  feels like people will do something because they should or something.  but there's no sense of being valued.  of being.....special.
i feel like i'm here in the middle of so many that i've known for so many years but that i have no special place.  seriously, i have one friend that never calls me.  never.  i call her.  check on her.  text her. message her.  at least once a week i do one of those things. and she never does.  gee....hmmm....i'm a little slow, but i'm thinking that if people have to work that hard to just stay in basic contact then probably i'm not on the "a" list.  and i am not mad.  i'm just trying to get my head wrapped around things.
when i call or text or message or email or ask...i need...an answer.  being ignored hurts me.  and there's only one thing that i can do to fix it.  i've spoken my piece many times about what i need.  that's all i can do.  and the thing that i have to do if i want to change it is so very hard for me.
i have to move on and make a place in the world that has people in it that don't have to work at it to want to be with me.  or celebrate me.  or whatever.  or even ask me how i am. really am.
i can't just spend my life waiting around for the people that i care about to feel the same way.  to see me.  to hear me.
hey, i asked some people about going to a house for a trip...i only got one answer. not even no thanks.  no.  can't.  i'd like to but.  nada.  and easter is in two weeks.  i guess i'm not included in whatever is going on. again..ask and no answer.  and there's nobody that i can just go....see...visit....talk to.  there's nobody that has time to just let me be there.
and it has made me sad.
so i'm on break.  on break from trying to make it be ok.  on break from not crying.  on break from making excuses for everyone.  they have their lives.  they have to live them.  and i have to live mine.  and what mine is right now is learning how to deal with a lot of stuff with grace.  and how to meet my needs.  that's the part i'm learning now.  how to meet my needs.  how to find support and communication.  and i guess that's why i'm looking to move to the ocean.  i want to try it...but the reason it doesn't scare me is because being alone when you don't know anyone around you can't possibly be worse than being alone in a place where you used to be such an integral part.
and as for a vacation this summer.  i'm sure praying to have one.  might only be the three of us.  they might not want to go if that's the case.  guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
but i am on break from being strong this week.
i'm getting my stuff done....slowly.  i'm watching grey's anatomy and nursing a cold.  i'm making my daughter do what she needs to get done...making me even more popular.  and i am just not making myself stand tall, be chipper or gung ho.  because i am sad.  and i deserve time to be sad.  i lost a lot.  my ex is still being my ex...filling his needs at all costs while his kids and i are on the sidelines.  it's a shame that everyone is so busy feeding his ego that they don't even see anyone else.
ok.  i'm done.  just a hard hard week.
blessings.