boundaries. i have grown in being able to set them. in not feeling guilty for having them. in knowing what i actually want and being able to say so. so, when i am ignored and not heard, i feel....wronged. that happened today.
it all started because i need help getting my college student that is about 350 miles away home this week. he gets out of school while i am in school. the end of the school year is hectic and having someone pick him up seemed like a good plan. his oldest biological brother....four years older...was the one i asked. he's 22 and lives on his own. however, he is also a college student and has his first round of finals this weekend. plus, he works the day that his brother needs picked up. but he was more than willing. last time, when i ended up flying my far away son home, his brother had been set to go. he didn't ask for anything or negotiate. he just volunteered. now, eldest brother, 33, said, "you've got another son, why didn't you ask me?" i responded that i didn't know that he could go or would be willing. he has a wife and three kids. but, he was offended not to have been asked. so, i ask, and he says yes. relief. but he will only do it if the younger brother at school calls him and asks him. oookkkk. he never calls anyone. he texts. he facebooks. he....just doesn't call. except for his mom once in a while. but, i tell younger brother that to get the ride, he has to call, so he does. hoop one jumped through. then, elest son calls about gas. now, i did say that i'd reimburse for gas. but, it was..."how much?" and , "i need it before i go." and "i want to be sure that it's enough". "oh, and are you still going to spring for a hotel room?" sigh. there goes almost $300. then, "we only have one cell phone, i need one for the trip." i respond that i can't give up ours as it's our only means of communicating...no home phone anymore. i say that i'll figure it out. jump forward to the next day....i get a text from the baby brother that is still in high school and living at home that his eldest brother wants his phone. i say no. i say that i'll take care of it. i go to walmart and buy a disposable phone. i go to eldest son's house. eldest son is at my house....getting brother's phone. sigh. he arrives as i am leaving and i take back the phone. and....he is IRRITATED. really? seriously? i just dropped off a phone, $200 in cash, a mcdonalds card AND got a nice hotel room. no thank you. no nothing. just a look. unhappy. he wants more. a crap phone and brother's phone is nice....but brother is half his age and lives at home! and i pay for that phone every month. and he has no data plan. and he can't break his phone or he has to pay for it. and if brother breaks it, he doesn't have the money to replace it. aaarrrggh. he's IRRITATED? why is he irritated?
he doesn't come and mow or weedeat or shovel my snow. he doesn't help with house maintenance. he doesn't do chores when he's here...like dishes if we've had a meal. he doesn't trim the trees or paint the barn. but he wants me to be a mother that is willing to give. and i am. but i'm in charge of what i'm willing to give. and i am generous. that's what hurt me. i like to give. i like to make things smooth. but no matter what i do for him, he wants better. he is.....jealous, i think.
makes me sad. hurts me. and makes it hard for me to have those boundaries. but i need them. he pushes hard against them. but, i took back the phone and went home. and he'll go. but he's pissed. oh well. i guess sometimes it just turns out that way. i really did try. wish i'd just gone myself. really.
it all started because i need help getting my college student that is about 350 miles away home this week. he gets out of school while i am in school. the end of the school year is hectic and having someone pick him up seemed like a good plan. his oldest biological brother....four years older...was the one i asked. he's 22 and lives on his own. however, he is also a college student and has his first round of finals this weekend. plus, he works the day that his brother needs picked up. but he was more than willing. last time, when i ended up flying my far away son home, his brother had been set to go. he didn't ask for anything or negotiate. he just volunteered. now, eldest brother, 33, said, "you've got another son, why didn't you ask me?" i responded that i didn't know that he could go or would be willing. he has a wife and three kids. but, he was offended not to have been asked. so, i ask, and he says yes. relief. but he will only do it if the younger brother at school calls him and asks him. oookkkk. he never calls anyone. he texts. he facebooks. he....just doesn't call. except for his mom once in a while. but, i tell younger brother that to get the ride, he has to call, so he does. hoop one jumped through. then, elest son calls about gas. now, i did say that i'd reimburse for gas. but, it was..."how much?" and , "i need it before i go." and "i want to be sure that it's enough". "oh, and are you still going to spring for a hotel room?" sigh. there goes almost $300. then, "we only have one cell phone, i need one for the trip." i respond that i can't give up ours as it's our only means of communicating...no home phone anymore. i say that i'll figure it out. jump forward to the next day....i get a text from the baby brother that is still in high school and living at home that his eldest brother wants his phone. i say no. i say that i'll take care of it. i go to walmart and buy a disposable phone. i go to eldest son's house. eldest son is at my house....getting brother's phone. sigh. he arrives as i am leaving and i take back the phone. and....he is IRRITATED. really? seriously? i just dropped off a phone, $200 in cash, a mcdonalds card AND got a nice hotel room. no thank you. no nothing. just a look. unhappy. he wants more. a crap phone and brother's phone is nice....but brother is half his age and lives at home! and i pay for that phone every month. and he has no data plan. and he can't break his phone or he has to pay for it. and if brother breaks it, he doesn't have the money to replace it. aaarrrggh. he's IRRITATED? why is he irritated?
he doesn't come and mow or weedeat or shovel my snow. he doesn't help with house maintenance. he doesn't do chores when he's here...like dishes if we've had a meal. he doesn't trim the trees or paint the barn. but he wants me to be a mother that is willing to give. and i am. but i'm in charge of what i'm willing to give. and i am generous. that's what hurt me. i like to give. i like to make things smooth. but no matter what i do for him, he wants better. he is.....jealous, i think.
makes me sad. hurts me. and makes it hard for me to have those boundaries. but i need them. he pushes hard against them. but, i took back the phone and went home. and he'll go. but he's pissed. oh well. i guess sometimes it just turns out that way. i really did try. wish i'd just gone myself. really.
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