on break

it is spring break.
and my mind has been on break. and my emotions.  and my writing.  and my staying on top of things.
on break.
because frankly...i'm kinda sad.
joyful? yes.  and sad.  hard to reconcile both, but there it is.
i think that the biggest reason that i find solace in moving away..though i would have absolutely nobody...is that....i wouldn't feel like i'm living in a place where i know loads of people and yet am alone.  it's the strangest sensation.
not a soul left my ex.  he gets so much tlc.  he displays himself.  he plays the victim.  he gets invites.  he is included.
me?  my daughter figured out that my birthday is coming up soon because she checked her birthday app on facebook.  really.
i guess that i don't feel very celebrated.  feels like people will do something because they should or something.  but there's no sense of being valued.  of being.....special.
i feel like i'm here in the middle of so many that i've known for so many years but that i have no special place.  seriously, i have one friend that never calls me.  never.  i call her.  check on her.  text her. message her.  at least once a week i do one of those things. and she never does.  gee....hmmm....i'm a little slow, but i'm thinking that if people have to work that hard to just stay in basic contact then probably i'm not on the "a" list.  and i am not mad.  i'm just trying to get my head wrapped around things.
when i call or text or message or email or ask...i need...an answer.  being ignored hurts me.  and there's only one thing that i can do to fix it.  i've spoken my piece many times about what i need.  that's all i can do.  and the thing that i have to do if i want to change it is so very hard for me.
i have to move on and make a place in the world that has people in it that don't have to work at it to want to be with me.  or celebrate me.  or whatever.  or even ask me how i am. really am.
i can't just spend my life waiting around for the people that i care about to feel the same way.  to see me.  to hear me.
hey, i asked some people about going to a house for a trip...i only got one answer. not even no thanks.  no.  can't.  i'd like to but.  nada.  and easter is in two weeks.  i guess i'm not included in whatever is going on. again..ask and no answer.  and there's nobody that i can just go....see...visit....talk to.  there's nobody that has time to just let me be there.
and it has made me sad.
so i'm on break.  on break from trying to make it be ok.  on break from not crying.  on break from making excuses for everyone.  they have their lives.  they have to live them.  and i have to live mine.  and what mine is right now is learning how to deal with a lot of stuff with grace.  and how to meet my needs.  that's the part i'm learning now.  how to meet my needs.  how to find support and communication.  and i guess that's why i'm looking to move to the ocean.  i want to try it...but the reason it doesn't scare me is because being alone when you don't know anyone around you can't possibly be worse than being alone in a place where you used to be such an integral part.
and as for a vacation this summer.  i'm sure praying to have one.  might only be the three of us.  they might not want to go if that's the case.  guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
but i am on break from being strong this week.
i'm getting my stuff done....slowly.  i'm watching grey's anatomy and nursing a cold.  i'm making my daughter do what she needs to get done...making me even more popular.  and i am just not making myself stand tall, be chipper or gung ho.  because i am sad.  and i deserve time to be sad.  i lost a lot.  my ex is still being my ex...filling his needs at all costs while his kids and i are on the sidelines.  it's a shame that everyone is so busy feeding his ego that they don't even see anyone else.
ok.  i'm done.  just a hard hard week.
blessings.