mental illness and depression

went to church today.  two sundays in a row.  ex is out of town again.  the sermon was about mental illness and depression.  by far, the best part to me was a man who got up and shared a section of his journal from when he had succumbed to the "swirling and ever darkening fog".  i knew how it felt.  everyone around you telling you to buck up.  in my case, my ex called friends and rebuked me.  he shamed me.  he belittled me.  i wanted to die.  i wanted to get out of the way so that he could be happy.  in retrospect, his behaviors prior to my faltering actually helped me to plummet.  now, i know that i should have said, "no, i won't do that."  "no, you can't make me do that."  "no, that's not my job."  "no, that doesn't bring me joy, it depletes me."  "no, i can't do that for you, you need to do that for yourself."  now, i know that it was indeed my responsibility to take care of my mental health.  to guard my heart.  i somehow thought that when married, i shouldn't have to guard my heart from my husband.  but, he was the one in my life who has stolen more self esteem than anyone else.  it still shocks me.  i was unaware.  i thought it was sinful to protect myself from my husband.  i thought that i must be being selfish.  the church helped with that idea.  i kept being told that if i just gave more. if i was just more respectful if i would just behave in a better way.  if i would fix myself up. if i would keep the house neater.  if i would tend to his needs.  if i would.....and i tried.  i have journals of my trying.  and i can hear my heart when i read them.  when i see how i prayed to be enough.  never being enough for him.  never making him happy.  enduring his silence.  and then still wanting sex.  shutting me out.  shutting me down.  showing contempt.  and i should have said no.  i should have told myself that those things were his problem.  but i didn't.  and the darkness swirled.  i remember standing by that dark hole.  it was terrifying.  and only one friend shined a light.  it gave me the direction to the way back to the light.  it was a gift.  not a condemnation.  love demonstrated.  hope shown.  and in time, i found my way out of the dark, but not to health.  not yet.  it took a long time to admit that things were wrong.  horribly wrong. in my marriage.  to face that i was going to have to stand up or die.  literally.  and yet, still, there are those who would never understand.  i wasn't beaten, so it must not have been too bad.  i still shake and shudder when i really visit how things were between us.  mostly, i just leave it in the  past.  but, when i go there, i realize how strong i am.  how determined i am.  how loving i am.  how helpful i am.  and how.....if i wasn't enough....nobody is going to be enough.  because  frankly, i was willing to give my very life.  until i realized that that was sin.  god did  not ask me to give my life.  he already did that.  and my husband...now ex....needed to learn that.  i hope that he learns that the perfection that he desires crushes people around him.  his lack of encouragement destroys hope.  his expectations squash dreaming and vision.  i hope it for him.  and i hope for me that i can continue to heal from those years.  i am better.  but i still face those moments when i hear him.  it kills.  but i turn and look at what is excellent.  what is good.  what is worthy of praise.  i teach myself to be amused and delighted by very simple things.  the sunrise.  the stars.  the flowers.  snow on the mountains.  a child playing in the fountain. my dog playing in the sprinkler.  i find that my gratitude is easily fed.  i find that it grows.  and i find that i heal.  and in my healing,i leave those painful memories to a grave.  unfortunately, i try to dig it up occasionally.  to remind myself of what a failure i am.  and then i remember...doesn't matter.....it's all been paid for and my father says i'm complete in him.  he says he glories in my weakness.  well, he glories in me quite a lot.  i am very weak.  but in him, i can do anything.
blessings.