snuck up on me

had a revelation tonight.  
i am bona fide happy.  content.  peaceful.
something changed.
a lever moved.
things aren't easy.
money isn't abundant.
it was actually when i was thinking about money that it hit me.
it doesn't worry me.
so many responsibilities.
so many that depend on me.
yet.
not worried.
trusting. resting. knowing.  believing.
and letting it be.
my worrying doesn't help anyway.
it just makes me a stressed monster.
as i drove and i realized that money wasn't worrying me,
it snuck up on me that
really
i am absolutely thrilled with living.
i love laughing.
and smiling.
and hanging out.
i love breathing.
slowly in and making sure to exhale out every last bit.
i love doing my little bits to get stronger.  it's fun.  and when i don't want to...i don't.
i love that circumstances don't control me.
i love that i don't have someone in my life that i have to apologize to umpteen times and get nada in return.
i love that i have a meaningful job.
i love that i am so desperately thankful.  every day.
i love that god is making himself known to my kids.
on his own.
without me having to drag them to it.
i love the person that i'm becoming.
although.
tonight.
i embarrassed myself.
i spend too much time without "adults".
when i get with one, i ramble.
got to improve that.
but there's nothing like the pure joy of life sneaking up on me and saying "gotcha".
actually brings tears to my eyes.
joy.
it fills my chest.
my soul.
it wiggles in my fingers.
it's all around.
it's not just that things are good.
not that at all.
things are hectic.
chaotic.
difficult.
and yet.
i am not.
i am at rest.
i am at peace.
i am calm.
i am so deliriously happy.
yep.
good thing to realize.
has been happening to gradually that i didn't realize how far i'd come.
yippee!!
good night.
blessings.