yep it's true

i'm actually happy.  i smile and think about it...and remember how long i TRIED to be happy.  i made the best of things.  i tried hard.  i prayed.  i chose a good attitude.  i studied.  i journaled.  i communicated.  but, i was miserable....masquerading in trying to be happy.  trying to be happy is tiring. it wore me out.  i didn't realize that it was supposed to be there. i didn't realize that everyone else wasn't having to work so hard just to have basic happiness.  i remember telling him that i wasn't happy.  it took everything i had to utter it....it was like saying "i'm a complete and utter failure."  he ridiculed me and told me that it wasn't about being happy and shamed me with how that wasn't christ like.  sigh.  and he is right.  life isn't just about being happy.  but it's also not about being used by someone so that they can feel happy while you get nothing.  that can't work forever.
and so, this lovely, beautiful, freeing sensation of happy is delightful.  i feel like my dog when she rolls in fresh cut grass or sprawls in the ray of sunshine...completely happy.
and life isn't easy.  today was a long and somewhat harrowing day.  i ended up needing to spend hundreds of dollars more than i budgeted for this time of the month...and year....and strangley...i'm at peace. it will all work out.  somehow it just does.  and i have no need to worry.  worrying doesn't make it better.  it doesn't make me holier or more responsible.
yep, it's true.  i'm happy.
i'm sometimes lonely.  i'm sometimes broke...often.  i'm sometimes overwhelmed.
and still. i'm happy.
thank you god for giving me happy.  filling me with joy and letting it overflow.  it's life changing.
blessings!