I forget how hard it is to go to church when "he" is there. I made it inside today. I really wanted to go for my son's last Sunday before college. I really wanted to hear my friends from Alaska speak and sing. My son made us late. Then, I got in and waited in the back. Kept choosing to breathe. Texted a friend to sit with me. Church was full. No place to sit with someone I knew. I stood in the door at the back and saw my friends. Hugged them as they left the service. Didn't stay. Because I almost lost it. I forget how rough it is...not only that he is there but that it is a reminder of how others include him and by doing so "wink" at how he treated me. How even those who know his choices choose to show support for him. To give him time and attention. To sit with him. To chat with him. To smile at him. To be seen as a support to him. And to remember how that has hurt me with others at church because....the idea is that....if my friends are being friendly to him then things must have been ok...she over reacted. He's a good man. He's fine. She just didn't try hard enough.
And in a moment of looking down the aisle, my chest clenched, the tears welled up, the hurt was crushing. Hugely. Horribly. Could barely get a breath. Head was pounding. Hugged my friend from Alaska goodbye and barely made it to the car in that fog state. Got in the car and sucked in air. Drove home. My older son was at my house waiting to go meet up with a friend. He was surprised to see me come back. I just said that it was too hard. Then we visited some more. But I had to have some time to lose it after he left. To fall apart. To ache and be gentle with myself.
I can't go someplace safely that holds me accountable while excusing and uplifting my ex husband. I can't cope with it. Because that is how he worked when we were married. He schmoozed people so that they would be "on his side". He took away any support that I might have had. He always made sure that his supporters were a priority. But, I didn't realize then that everyone got sucked in. I didn't realize that when I divorced him that there wouldn't be anyone that would break ties with him and choose me. And I still know that it's not something you can ask for. I know that it's not something I can change. But, I also know now how deeply devastating it is. I know how he uses those relationships to show others that all is well. It assures my silence. And it really has. Because there is no safe place. I looked in church today and thought of the people that I have truly trusted and what they know and I was struck. Here I sit weeping, though I signed up to go with my kids to the church picnic. But I don't want to go again and be all alone in the midst of people that I've known for so long. And my heart is so sensitive. Nobody asking me. Choosing me. Wanting me.
I had forgotten how deeply agonizing it is to see the whole ruse in action. Or at least, I had put it away. I don't want to live with that anymore. I need to realize that when people wink at how things were for me then it does not show me any respect. It says that I am not important enough to stand up for. And that's fine. I don't have to be important to everyone. I will be fine. But, I will not choose ot put myself in this position of pain. I will choose to be whole. I will choose to wait until there are those who choose me for real. Because you can't choose someone and support and uplift someone who wishes them harm. And he has always wished harm. Because he has to feel superior. He wins. I get it. And I'm smiling again. Because I'm ok. And because I don't have to play this game. I stood up tall at church. I said no thank you to two people who offered to seat me with my ex. I said that would be awkward and no thank you. I spoke up. I was brave. Then I went home.
And now I'm sad that I won't be at the picnic. But, oh well. I realized that some of the people who were, "it's nice to see you, you should come more..." are also the people who invite my ex over but have never bothered to nurture or uphold me. I guess because I am sinful Which, frankly, I require more grace than many. And if that's not ok, then I guess it's best that they move along.
But....still....it was rough.
And in a moment of looking down the aisle, my chest clenched, the tears welled up, the hurt was crushing. Hugely. Horribly. Could barely get a breath. Head was pounding. Hugged my friend from Alaska goodbye and barely made it to the car in that fog state. Got in the car and sucked in air. Drove home. My older son was at my house waiting to go meet up with a friend. He was surprised to see me come back. I just said that it was too hard. Then we visited some more. But I had to have some time to lose it after he left. To fall apart. To ache and be gentle with myself.
I can't go someplace safely that holds me accountable while excusing and uplifting my ex husband. I can't cope with it. Because that is how he worked when we were married. He schmoozed people so that they would be "on his side". He took away any support that I might have had. He always made sure that his supporters were a priority. But, I didn't realize then that everyone got sucked in. I didn't realize that when I divorced him that there wouldn't be anyone that would break ties with him and choose me. And I still know that it's not something you can ask for. I know that it's not something I can change. But, I also know now how deeply devastating it is. I know how he uses those relationships to show others that all is well. It assures my silence. And it really has. Because there is no safe place. I looked in church today and thought of the people that I have truly trusted and what they know and I was struck. Here I sit weeping, though I signed up to go with my kids to the church picnic. But I don't want to go again and be all alone in the midst of people that I've known for so long. And my heart is so sensitive. Nobody asking me. Choosing me. Wanting me.
I had forgotten how deeply agonizing it is to see the whole ruse in action. Or at least, I had put it away. I don't want to live with that anymore. I need to realize that when people wink at how things were for me then it does not show me any respect. It says that I am not important enough to stand up for. And that's fine. I don't have to be important to everyone. I will be fine. But, I will not choose ot put myself in this position of pain. I will choose to be whole. I will choose to wait until there are those who choose me for real. Because you can't choose someone and support and uplift someone who wishes them harm. And he has always wished harm. Because he has to feel superior. He wins. I get it. And I'm smiling again. Because I'm ok. And because I don't have to play this game. I stood up tall at church. I said no thank you to two people who offered to seat me with my ex. I said that would be awkward and no thank you. I spoke up. I was brave. Then I went home.
And now I'm sad that I won't be at the picnic. But, oh well. I realized that some of the people who were, "it's nice to see you, you should come more..." are also the people who invite my ex over but have never bothered to nurture or uphold me. I guess because I am sinful Which, frankly, I require more grace than many. And if that's not ok, then I guess it's best that they move along.
But....still....it was rough.
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