this day

this day was a blessing.  i puttered.  laundry.  daughter's bathroom.  going slowly.  staying in.  today. .  this day.  being present.  being here.  enjoying it.  as just me.  though i had moments where i wished for something, something that would mean that i was remembered...needed....cherished....it wasn't long living.  not depressing. just noting that it's a different phase of life. a phase of life that demands that i learn to live no matter what others are doing or what they think of me.  it demands that i know that i am loved by god and that's enough.
today was good.  it was beautiful even.  aloneness in the midst of a busy world is a blessing to this introvert.
i realized that i'm able to work in the morning because i have to, but that i really do better when given time to get moving.  i like to just hang out and be still in the morning.  then, later, i am ready to accomplish. life in this stage doesn't work like that very often.  but, this weekend, it was lovely.  wonderful.  i have to shake the "lazy" words in my head from when i was married when i am goofing around in the morning and not getting things done.  i am getting something done...i'm resting my mind and heart.  i am being still.  i am recuperating from the constant giving and interacting.  and when i do so, i am ok.i am better.  i can function well.
this day...this weekend....has been lovely.
i missed my daughter.  i missed that i have no family to ring me up and that nobody else really does either.  but, really, i think that i was actually quite pleasantly content.  didn't have to do anything for anybody else.  just chill and rest.  nice.
i hope that you find how you work best and get that sometimes.  i also hope that you have an opportunity to face the alone square on when you wish that you had friends about.  it gives the gift of being truly thankful for time with friends and not simply dependent.  it's pretty amazing.
blessings.

cleaning out

in the last three years, i have cleared out more stuff than ever before.  yet, every time i turn around, there is still too much!  i have been cleaning inwardly and outwardly.  i have been ridding myself of extra stuff that i hold onto "just in case" and putting aside every little memory thing....every little drawing or writing or project from my kids...or me. :)  i look at my house differently these days.  i am going to make it more cohesive.  pull it together in tone and feeling.  as i become more peaceful, it seems to help in my outward world too.  i went through a kitchen cupboard today that i've been through at least four times before....and got rid of even more.  i need boxes, but i don't want to go out today and lose my momentum.  not that i started early.  i slept late.  i lazed with a book.  i had a big breakfast.  it was a good day.
i'm all alone for the first time in a long time.  my daughter is on a retreat for a couple of nights.  it's good for me to face time alone.  i will be completely single in a couple of years.  wow.  but it isn't as terrifying as it once was.  i see my daughter getting ready.  she talks to me so much more than the boys ever did, and i know that when she goes, she'll still need her mama even as she needs her freedom.  so, i keep looking forward.  and i learn to enjoy today.
i began thinking about a bucket list today.  not writing it or anything.  it's funny, there aren't a lot of things on it.  many i've done.  others are travel that will come.  i am content with my life.
it's funny that i'm content.  finances have been hard lately.  not unbearable, just knowing that in a couple of years, while my daughter and son are still in college, i will get no more help at all from my ex.  so, i'm going to settle in and figure it out.  i don't feel worried.  i feel like god already has it under control and i wonder what he will do.  i look forward to it.  fear has been diminished.  when i was married, life was so stressful...though we had more money...but now, it's at ease.  it's full of faith.  more church and less truth when i was with my ex.
cleaning out has prompted me to see how i have painful parts that still need to be healed in my soul.  i used to think that i had to stuff those and let them suffocate.  now i know that god created all parts of me.  he created my heart with dreams and differences from others.  as i have been cleaning out the old, i am finding that those parts are being revived and sometimes it hurts to mourn all of the time that was lost.   yet, it's also exciting to see how those very things are being used in my life and the lives of others to lift up and change hearts.
i love my life.  i love how i can let things go when i need to.  even things that hurt.
i have had to clean out my expectations too.  i don't have many friends anymore.  i go days and days without calls, texts, emails or anything.  when they do come, they are usually just to ask something or make arrangements.  i used to mourn and weep.  now, i stop, feel sad and then go on with the joy that is a permanent part of my life.  i love my life.  it's fabulously blessed.  so, i'll just wait for the next phase and enjoy this one too.  it's peaceful.  doesn't mean that i don't miss deep connections.  i do.  a lot.  i am not a shallow is enough kind of personality.  but i've learned that i spent way too long being both parts of many relationships.  in order to have a true one, it has to be something that another person wants as well.  it's not my job to constantly work.  it's my job to be myself, to care as i do, to give what i have to give, to encourage or say what i feel.....and to let it all go after that.  it's still hard for me.  i have written, texted, called and done things that reach out and pretty much found that it goes into space.  that means that i just let go. strangely, now, that's ok.  my goal is not to get anyone to respond or connect but to simply be my authentic self without apology.  much nicer life.  it happened when i learned that i also needed to learn to love me as well as others.
i am blessed.  cleaning out reminds me to let go of things that don't matter and that i can't control.  it's good.  i am happy.  truly happy.  and i breathe.  breathing is not something that i take forgranted.  it is a beautiful gift.
blessings.

walking

walking with my daughter through life these last months has been a little bit painful.  she is not your typical drama queen.  as a matter of fact, she pretty much just wants everyone to get along.  but she has been carrying some burdens that are hard to handle for a 16 year old.  she has knowledge of events that she wishes she did not.  she sees things that sadden her beyond belief.  and she found herself taken aside by a teacher today and being advised to stay out of the drama.  she didn't know what the teacher was talking about.   she found out later.  firestorm.  she cried.
life has been pretty hard since this summer. yet, over and over, she has just figured out how to cope.  now, she is just saddened.  and so wise.  "it will pass by.  this is why i want to be a counselor."  in the end, she decided that she will let the drama subside and then offer an apology (though she didn't do anything wrong intentionally) with no expectations.  she also knows that there's a friend that she wants to talk to.  she's known the friend a very long time and has been struggling deeply.  she said that she wants to figure it out since they'll know each other all of their lives.  she decided also to talk to her oldest brother this weekend.  she is having to look for a new support group these days....another stressor on her young heart.
god has hold of her.  she's praying it through.  she's owning what she needs to do and what her responsibility is.  but she is still aching.  she wishes that she wasn't carrying such a burden of knowledge.  she talks to her mama which is nice, but still, she feels helpless.
my prayer is that she will learn to let go of what she can't be in charge of and say what she needs to say.  she cried when i told her that she can be kind, she can own what is hers to own, but that she doesn't have to accept being treated badly.  she is allowed to say that it's not ok.  calmly.  lovingly.
wish i'd been half as mature as she is.
so, we walk.  and walk.  and walk.  through life as a young woman/teen.  and i have to say that it's a beautiful thing.  i love her heart.  i marvel at her insight.  she faces the topics of sex, drugs, studying, relationships, being involved in activities, having a job and everything in between with such a sweet honesty.  she is rather weary of a world where so many young people are dabbling in things that are not the best for them.  it weighs heavily.  she doesn't know how to help them.  but, she does pray.  she does see.  she does love.  a lot.
she'll make a great counselor.
as for me, i'm just blessed to get to do this walking with her.
blessings.

that fine line

there's this line between being open and gossip.  now, some people say that more people gossip, but i am finding that more people are simply saying that they aren't gossiping so that they never really talk about anything of substance.  many christians use this as a way to be shallow.
i don't think that is what was intended.  it's pretty obvious in the bible that jesus talked about tough stuff and about people's choices right out in the open.  i think that whole "privacy" thing is simply a cover up for being religious without being meaningful.  no wonder non christians can't relate.  there's nothing to connect to.  without any problems or relational crap, all of us can look pretty sweet, but it's a sham. the sham is destroying the church.  the world needs real. people need to hear how hard life can be and how good god is in the midst of hard truth.
it's a fine line. i get that.  i just don't get why more people aren't laying out their stories.  real stories. seems like it would make the world a kinder place.
blessings.

starving

i have been shocked by how hungry people are.
not for calories.
for words.
for encouragement.
for a good word.
for a perspective that lifts the eyes up.
god is showing me slowly how he intends to use me.
it's fun to see.
it's exciting to just allow it.
no stress.
no fuss.
no anxiety.
just in his time.
with his words.
with his spirit.
with the way he made me.
it's so simple.
it was so hard for so long.
and now, life is so very very different
my gifts are coming out at school.
my heart is healing.
and i sometimes want to run from the hard things.
to not make anyone mad
or uncomfortable.
but
people are also starving for what is true
what is meaningful
and i have decided that i cant be silent
just because people may not like me
but i can be silent for as long as i should
until it's truly time to speak
that i can do
and am learning to do.
a blessing it is.
i feel filled.

oh. my. goodness.

i live in a pretty happy place.
i enjoy my work.
i enjoy my home.
even though it's messy.
i enjoy cooking
and simply having food to cook.
i enjoy being with my daughter for these precious last two years home.
dearly.
sweetly.
and generally, i can find the happy in a moment.
but some things just irk me.
like kids who are completely dishonest or two faced.
irked.
my daughter and i just had a talk because i have been biting my tongue for months.
not saying.
and no, it's not my daughter.
it's someone else.
but it affects my daughter.
someone who talks badly about adults.
drinks til drunk.
has sex.
lies while acting innocent.
i know it for a fact.
she's done it with me.
i've seen her encourage another to lie as well.
appalled.
really.
and yet, silent.
not my sandbox to play in.
not my circus, not my monkeys.
or
is it?
it's life altering for my daughter.
it has been a huge stress.
and i've walked with her.
encouraged her to stand up for herself.
been near...
but,
i haven't solved it.
but today,
i said something to someone.
and now it just makes me sad.
because in order to really be heard,
i would have to tell all.
i would have to let it all out.
and i'm not willing.
not my job.
i don't think.
maybe.
unless.
well.
it just feels like life is becoming a lie for my daughter.
and that is so hard because we already had to live that way.
for us to live that way now is painful.
i see it in her.
and she's doing it without her best friends near.
wisdom.
i need wisdom.
and kindness.
and gentleness.
but
oh.
my.
goodness.
there be some younguns that should be getting oscars for their performances.
it makes my heart hurt.
i'd rather see kids mess around
mess up
fail
be a pain
and do it honestly
truthfully
when it's sneaky,
it adds such a horrible aspect.
so,
what do you do when your kid is being pushed
and prodded
and forced to be a part
of a big ol
secret?
you pray.
let go.
hang onto your kid.
and support whatever they decide.
and love all involved.
period.
but it sure feels like the blank is gonna hit the fan.
oh my goodness.
yes it does.

thank you

how is it possible to than people for making life wonderful?
how can words make it real?
if i could paint or create, it feels like i could come closer,
but it is nearly impossible with words.
people are trained to discount words.
to change them.
to not soak them in and enjoy them and turn them over in their hearts
instead, they are heard or looked at and put aside.
unlike a painting that draws the eye and heart again and again.
but i don't do paint.
and when i do,
it doesn't create a cohesive memory.
i don't have the skills.
but my very soul longs to be able to say
to show
to give the most genuine and deepest
thank you.
that isn't brushed off.
or taken as flattery.
thank you for making my heart
soar
my mind think deeply
thank you for the way that you stay
especially when i don't know how to connect
or speak
thank you for knowing me
not just what i do or say
but what i mean to be
thank you for letting my dreams matter.
for giving them shape and form
when they still seem ethereal to me
thank you for liking me
even when it's not popular
for confiding in me.
thank you for letting me care about you
in my hesitant
unsure and sometimes silly way
and still bothering to understand that
i'm giving what i've got.
thank you.
you bless hearts all around you.
every single day you are a delight.
thank you.

lover

i'm a lover.  that's what my facebook quiz said.  ha.  i think that it is funny.  until i think about it in context of some other things.  i do love.  and when i'm encouraged and left to be comfortable, when i am believed in.  when i'm not being put down.  when....then, that lover side of me comes to the front. i am good at meeting people's needs.  at showing love.  really good at it.  and i encourage others to become who they are and become what they dream.  so, it's good.  though amusing.
lover.
ha.
single.
celibate.
no dates even.
introverted.
somehow though, a lover.
a relationshipper.
i made up a word.
and it's good.
and it makes me feel peaceful.
because i read a blog about how it's not how we feel about our friends...
it's about whether we are good at letting them know how we feel that matters.
it struck a chord.
it's where i'm trying to grow.
blessings.

create

my word of the year.
it amazes me each year how god gives me a word.
though i don't know exactly why at the time.
this year's word is "create".
and at work, i have found my purpose with that one word.
create a welcoming, kind, encouraging environment.
create a place that people want to work.
create relationships.
create thankfulness.
create.
do it.
turns out....it's my gift.
and it's appreciated.
oh. my. goodness.
how very good it feels to be valued for who and what i am.
how i am.
even though they know i'm weird.
they LIKE me.
it's........
wonderful.
brings tears.
people seek me out.
look to me for encouragement.
ask me to be their mentor.
feel good that i take time to write emails.
or put things together.  they are proud of me.
and it feels good to
create something
great.
god using who i am
to work his plan.
i am content.
blessings.

why yes, i am happy.

i see people that i haven't seen for awhile..or quite a long time...and they comment on how good i look, how happy i look.  and when i look at photos of me, i don't see the haunting look in my eyes anymore.  that look that most overlooked, but i could see.  the fear and troubled feelings.  the falseness of happy.  choosing happy, but not having been able to change circumstances.
i am happy.
exuberantly happy.
joyfully happy.
regularly.
normally.
and it is very wonderful.
why yes, amazingly, i am happy!!!
yipppppeeeeee!!!!

dear

life is dear.
working is dear.
relationships are dear.
the ability to appreciate beauty is dear.
i am growing more and more in the awe of seeing what is dear.
how the simple and nearly mundane are actually the most precious things of all.
the smell of coffee.
the feel of the sun on a face upturned.
work that brings joy.
a random smile.
peace of heart.
i am full of those things that are dear.
in realizing how dear they are,
it sparks the deepest kind of gratitude.
not contrived nor trying hard
intrinsic.
it has become so much a part of me that it is shocking that others don't see.
don't see the rainbow in the sprinklers and marvel.
nor hear the giggle of a child and feel warmed.
see the wiggles of a puppy and belly laugh.
it comes down to a realization that
each breath
each moment
each eye blink
each experience
each heartbeat
each nerve response
each sight
each sound
each and every piece that makes up life
is the most precious of gifts.
dear.
very dear.
and, for me, to use the word dear was a step of epic proportions.
my ex used to use the word "dear" as my name.
but, i wasn't dear to him.
it was actually one of the things that caused the rift to grow.
silly?
no.  i am a person who is moved by words.  to misuse the word,
to make a mockery of it,
to take away the meaning of being precious and turn it into meaning
"am i not good for being so nice to you?"
was horrible.
yet, now,
dear is made new.
all things are made new.
i am becoming whole again.
i am finding the gift of life in all of it's simple pieces to be
dear.
truly dear.
blessings.

exhausted. happy. concerned. content.

too tired is my guess.  left home at 6:50am.  my daughter and i got home at 8:20pm.  long day.  walked home to mail saying i have a bill in collections with a card company that must be a scam..because i never had a card with them.  but it means yet another thing to deal with tomorrow.  then, no check from the ex...again. hard to plan dates to put bills through when he doesn't choose to do what he's supposed to.  but it's not something i can fix, so i am going to choose to rest.
i am happy.
i enjoy my work.
my job.
my teammates.
i love spending time with my daughter.
although some things are troubling her and i wish i could fix them.  but, she's going to get through it. at least she talks to me.  she's  pretty amazing.  someone is talking disrespectfully....to her, but even more what bothers her is about me. sigh.  it doesn't matter. i know it doesn't matter.  but, it's her friends.  or people who used to be her friends.  they are gossiping to others at her school and then she hears it and i know that it makes her feel badly.  she disagrees with what they are saying.  apparently i have too many rules??  seriously??  and i'm annoying because of my rules.  snort.i am one of the least rule oriented parents that i know.  i have high expectations.  i won't settle for less than respect, but rules?  they are pretty minimal.
it was nice to have dinner and have her talk to me.  i wish that i could solve it, but i know that that wouldn't help her in the long run.  it's something she has to work through.  she has to have her own opinions. apparently, she does. she finds disrespect appalling.  you go, baby!
joined pto. i'm the only t.  i like it.
i am finding ways every day to show appreciation. each and every day.  it's so much fun.
i am finding my niche.
so, i'm concerned about money.  yet, sure that the needs will be cared for.  i'm exhausted, but the reasons make me super happy.
life is so very good.  i love my life.  deeply.  wholeheartedly.
blessings.
i need sleep.

prayer

i believe in prayer.  i believe because i believe that there is One who answers.  readily.  kindly.  gently.  purposefully.  he has never let me down.  he hears my groans.  he meets my needs before i know how to do it.  he helped me fix a washing machine today.  really.  he is always more than just there, he is fully present. and that feels so good.  it's like he was beside me today telling me that i could do it and then allowing me to feel good about myself.  i didn't have that in marriage. sometimes i forget how capable i am.  sometimes i get so fearful.  and then, He comes alongside and cheers me on.  he speaks love to me.  he heals my heart.
prayer.  talking to the most amazing friend.  i can't even express it to anyone verbally because it would sound all super christian.  it's not.  it's just a reveling in his presence.  in knowing that he didn't leave me.  in knowing that he is healing my heart and soul and building me back up.
today i was very accomplished.  i did a lot of work.  i did things that i would rather not have to do.  but i did them instead of letting them hang over my head.  and i feel good.  very good.
all because he heard the prayer of my heart as i wondered how i would pay for yet another bill.
go figure....i didn't have to AND i got the benefit of a boosted self esteem.  double win.
blessings.