in the last three years, i have cleared out more stuff than ever before. yet, every time i turn around, there is still too much! i have been cleaning inwardly and outwardly. i have been ridding myself of extra stuff that i hold onto "just in case" and putting aside every little memory thing....every little drawing or writing or project from my kids...or me. :) i look at my house differently these days. i am going to make it more cohesive. pull it together in tone and feeling. as i become more peaceful, it seems to help in my outward world too. i went through a kitchen cupboard today that i've been through at least four times before....and got rid of even more. i need boxes, but i don't want to go out today and lose my momentum. not that i started early. i slept late. i lazed with a book. i had a big breakfast. it was a good day.
i'm all alone for the first time in a long time. my daughter is on a retreat for a couple of nights. it's good for me to face time alone. i will be completely single in a couple of years. wow. but it isn't as terrifying as it once was. i see my daughter getting ready. she talks to me so much more than the boys ever did, and i know that when she goes, she'll still need her mama even as she needs her freedom. so, i keep looking forward. and i learn to enjoy today.
i began thinking about a bucket list today. not writing it or anything. it's funny, there aren't a lot of things on it. many i've done. others are travel that will come. i am content with my life.
it's funny that i'm content. finances have been hard lately. not unbearable, just knowing that in a couple of years, while my daughter and son are still in college, i will get no more help at all from my ex. so, i'm going to settle in and figure it out. i don't feel worried. i feel like god already has it under control and i wonder what he will do. i look forward to it. fear has been diminished. when i was married, life was so stressful...though we had more money...but now, it's at ease. it's full of faith. more church and less truth when i was with my ex.
cleaning out has prompted me to see how i have painful parts that still need to be healed in my soul. i used to think that i had to stuff those and let them suffocate. now i know that god created all parts of me. he created my heart with dreams and differences from others. as i have been cleaning out the old, i am finding that those parts are being revived and sometimes it hurts to mourn all of the time that was lost. yet, it's also exciting to see how those very things are being used in my life and the lives of others to lift up and change hearts.
i love my life. i love how i can let things go when i need to. even things that hurt.
i have had to clean out my expectations too. i don't have many friends anymore. i go days and days without calls, texts, emails or anything. when they do come, they are usually just to ask something or make arrangements. i used to mourn and weep. now, i stop, feel sad and then go on with the joy that is a permanent part of my life. i love my life. it's fabulously blessed. so, i'll just wait for the next phase and enjoy this one too. it's peaceful. doesn't mean that i don't miss deep connections. i do. a lot. i am not a shallow is enough kind of personality. but i've learned that i spent way too long being both parts of many relationships. in order to have a true one, it has to be something that another person wants as well. it's not my job to constantly work. it's my job to be myself, to care as i do, to give what i have to give, to encourage or say what i feel.....and to let it all go after that. it's still hard for me. i have written, texted, called and done things that reach out and pretty much found that it goes into space. that means that i just let go. strangely, now, that's ok. my goal is not to get anyone to respond or connect but to simply be my authentic self without apology. much nicer life. it happened when i learned that i also needed to learn to love me as well as others.
i am blessed. cleaning out reminds me to let go of things that don't matter and that i can't control. it's good. i am happy. truly happy. and i breathe. breathing is not something that i take forgranted. it is a beautiful gift.
blessings.
i'm all alone for the first time in a long time. my daughter is on a retreat for a couple of nights. it's good for me to face time alone. i will be completely single in a couple of years. wow. but it isn't as terrifying as it once was. i see my daughter getting ready. she talks to me so much more than the boys ever did, and i know that when she goes, she'll still need her mama even as she needs her freedom. so, i keep looking forward. and i learn to enjoy today.
i began thinking about a bucket list today. not writing it or anything. it's funny, there aren't a lot of things on it. many i've done. others are travel that will come. i am content with my life.
it's funny that i'm content. finances have been hard lately. not unbearable, just knowing that in a couple of years, while my daughter and son are still in college, i will get no more help at all from my ex. so, i'm going to settle in and figure it out. i don't feel worried. i feel like god already has it under control and i wonder what he will do. i look forward to it. fear has been diminished. when i was married, life was so stressful...though we had more money...but now, it's at ease. it's full of faith. more church and less truth when i was with my ex.
cleaning out has prompted me to see how i have painful parts that still need to be healed in my soul. i used to think that i had to stuff those and let them suffocate. now i know that god created all parts of me. he created my heart with dreams and differences from others. as i have been cleaning out the old, i am finding that those parts are being revived and sometimes it hurts to mourn all of the time that was lost. yet, it's also exciting to see how those very things are being used in my life and the lives of others to lift up and change hearts.
i love my life. i love how i can let things go when i need to. even things that hurt.
i have had to clean out my expectations too. i don't have many friends anymore. i go days and days without calls, texts, emails or anything. when they do come, they are usually just to ask something or make arrangements. i used to mourn and weep. now, i stop, feel sad and then go on with the joy that is a permanent part of my life. i love my life. it's fabulously blessed. so, i'll just wait for the next phase and enjoy this one too. it's peaceful. doesn't mean that i don't miss deep connections. i do. a lot. i am not a shallow is enough kind of personality. but i've learned that i spent way too long being both parts of many relationships. in order to have a true one, it has to be something that another person wants as well. it's not my job to constantly work. it's my job to be myself, to care as i do, to give what i have to give, to encourage or say what i feel.....and to let it all go after that. it's still hard for me. i have written, texted, called and done things that reach out and pretty much found that it goes into space. that means that i just let go. strangely, now, that's ok. my goal is not to get anyone to respond or connect but to simply be my authentic self without apology. much nicer life. it happened when i learned that i also needed to learn to love me as well as others.
i am blessed. cleaning out reminds me to let go of things that don't matter and that i can't control. it's good. i am happy. truly happy. and i breathe. breathing is not something that i take forgranted. it is a beautiful gift.
blessings.
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