I can cope. But. I don't want to "cope". I want to feel happy and comfortable. At ease. Not...working through. Not pushing through.
Good life. Love lots of stuff.
But this birthday thing with more than I had originally realized. And, a friend that today reminded me of why I struggle. If I say anything about my ex, she always defends him. Not intentionally, but she explains why he does something that is hurtful like I am being nitpicky. It shuts me down. Had coffee today, and by the end I was almost crying.
I used to try to feel a certain way. Now, I realize that how I feel is just how I feel. Just have to deal with that reality of feeling. Have to just cope with it. Don't have to stuff it. Admit that it hurts...if only to myself. And grieve. And allow myself to grow and heal through it.
But, it made me reticent about the birthday deal. At first I thought that there were three or four of us. Now, I realize that there are eight of us. And today, I felt myself go into survival mode. The "get through it" mode. It's sad because I was really looking forward to it. I had nearly forgotten that pit in my stomach difficult feeling. But now, I'm there. The tired feeling. Overwhelmed. Troubled.
So, what do I do?
Take a breath. Sit down. Cut myself slack. Keep being me. Just me. How I am. In the situation I find myself. Even if nobody gets it. Or cares. Or sees. Or understands. Or senses how I feel. Even if. I just have to let it go. Again. Over and over.
And my ex will be singing and on the stage at the Easter services. Blah. And I don't have anybody to sit with. Blah again. So, I think I'll just stay home and be viewed yet again as "the heathen". Seriously.
Not crying. Right now. But the heaviness aches.
Good life. Love lots of stuff.
But this birthday thing with more than I had originally realized. And, a friend that today reminded me of why I struggle. If I say anything about my ex, she always defends him. Not intentionally, but she explains why he does something that is hurtful like I am being nitpicky. It shuts me down. Had coffee today, and by the end I was almost crying.
I used to try to feel a certain way. Now, I realize that how I feel is just how I feel. Just have to deal with that reality of feeling. Have to just cope with it. Don't have to stuff it. Admit that it hurts...if only to myself. And grieve. And allow myself to grow and heal through it.
But, it made me reticent about the birthday deal. At first I thought that there were three or four of us. Now, I realize that there are eight of us. And today, I felt myself go into survival mode. The "get through it" mode. It's sad because I was really looking forward to it. I had nearly forgotten that pit in my stomach difficult feeling. But now, I'm there. The tired feeling. Overwhelmed. Troubled.
So, what do I do?
Take a breath. Sit down. Cut myself slack. Keep being me. Just me. How I am. In the situation I find myself. Even if nobody gets it. Or cares. Or sees. Or understands. Or senses how I feel. Even if. I just have to let it go. Again. Over and over.
And my ex will be singing and on the stage at the Easter services. Blah. And I don't have anybody to sit with. Blah again. So, I think I'll just stay home and be viewed yet again as "the heathen". Seriously.
Not crying. Right now. But the heaviness aches.
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