today i was blindsided by someone at a lunch date. i had expressed to his wife that life is hard with people siding with my ex. her husband has barely spoken to me in three years. he used to call me. he used to laugh with me. he used to respect me. we were actually friends. but, now, he hangs with my ex. has him over for holidays. and the games. goes out to watch games. he is friendlier with him than ever was when i was married. he and my ex saw one another if the women planned an event. period. but, my ex pursued him after the divorce...as he did others in our circle...and the man bought in. he became his friend and not mine. now, i believe him that he can tolerate me. but, if we are friends, why haven't i had him check on me in three years? why did he quit giving my daughter the attention that she always needed from a dad figure.....when she needed it most? why?
i accepted his words, but they cut at my soul.
i had opened up to my friend. she had said that she is my friend and he is my exes. she said that she laughs with and is polite to and friendly with my ex at church and at choir. and all i wonder is..."how is that any different than before?" how would my ex ever get the idea that she understands that there was something wrong? how do people not get that something was DESPERATELY WRONG?
and this weekend marked the end to the idea that maybe the rest of my kids would remember that i had a birthday. or that maybe there was something special and that's why they didn't do something on the day. i kinda thought that they would do cake or something. but, i'm really glad i planned to go out on my birthday. i splurged a little bit. can't really afford much right now, but needed to be doing something and not feeling sorry for myself. and the online guy? he forgot. and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't said that he was figuring out a way to say that he appreciates me. it made my heart ache. not having parents in your life really sucks on birthdays.
and daughter and i are having to make some new habits and strides. we've gone back to hiding/retreating mode. it's not horrible. people look at us like we're awful for not eating every meal together. we'll get there again. soon, i hope. we've been in survival mode. she has been so troubled. it hurts me heart so very much that i can barely breathe. thank god that he understands my heart words and doesn't require me to put them into actual words. i am searching for help desperately. the weight is so very much.
and money. i hate money. ha. i actually don't worry about it. i choose to give it to my provider. to let it go. but man, some months i get slammed. this month, on top of paying on five sets of medical bills and airline tickets and hotels....i found out that i owe $400 for the end of year homeowners insurance. soon. i didn't plan on it. yikes. but it always works. always. there is peace in the journey. and i sleep well. i am given that gift. and he has kept my car that needs maintenance going. nobody steps up and says "let me help", but still, our needs and even wants are met. we are kept. my children are safe and here. life is not about money. i have to do it better. i'm trying to do it better. but, i'm so glad that god doesn't hold it against me.
and church. it was so nice to go for a few weeks. but, i don't think that i want to anymore. it made it hard on others. too difficult. not what it's about. i am free from the fear of seeing my ex. but, it doesn't mean that it's good. besides, what people don't seem to get is that it would be hard to feel at home again and then have to watch them go be friends with his new woman. that's going to be really hard for my kid. i don't think that i need to be there. i wouldn't have anyone to sit with. but, on top of all of the other, that's kind of heavy right now.
going back to school tomorrow. lesson plans done. don't have as much done as i hoped, but at least i got some things done. and i entered recovery again. and made a plan with my girl to help us get better. and i spoke up. and i worked. and i rested. and had joy. life is good. even in the rough days.
i accepted his words, but they cut at my soul.
i had opened up to my friend. she had said that she is my friend and he is my exes. she said that she laughs with and is polite to and friendly with my ex at church and at choir. and all i wonder is..."how is that any different than before?" how would my ex ever get the idea that she understands that there was something wrong? how do people not get that something was DESPERATELY WRONG?
and this weekend marked the end to the idea that maybe the rest of my kids would remember that i had a birthday. or that maybe there was something special and that's why they didn't do something on the day. i kinda thought that they would do cake or something. but, i'm really glad i planned to go out on my birthday. i splurged a little bit. can't really afford much right now, but needed to be doing something and not feeling sorry for myself. and the online guy? he forgot. and it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't said that he was figuring out a way to say that he appreciates me. it made my heart ache. not having parents in your life really sucks on birthdays.
and daughter and i are having to make some new habits and strides. we've gone back to hiding/retreating mode. it's not horrible. people look at us like we're awful for not eating every meal together. we'll get there again. soon, i hope. we've been in survival mode. she has been so troubled. it hurts me heart so very much that i can barely breathe. thank god that he understands my heart words and doesn't require me to put them into actual words. i am searching for help desperately. the weight is so very much.
and money. i hate money. ha. i actually don't worry about it. i choose to give it to my provider. to let it go. but man, some months i get slammed. this month, on top of paying on five sets of medical bills and airline tickets and hotels....i found out that i owe $400 for the end of year homeowners insurance. soon. i didn't plan on it. yikes. but it always works. always. there is peace in the journey. and i sleep well. i am given that gift. and he has kept my car that needs maintenance going. nobody steps up and says "let me help", but still, our needs and even wants are met. we are kept. my children are safe and here. life is not about money. i have to do it better. i'm trying to do it better. but, i'm so glad that god doesn't hold it against me.
and church. it was so nice to go for a few weeks. but, i don't think that i want to anymore. it made it hard on others. too difficult. not what it's about. i am free from the fear of seeing my ex. but, it doesn't mean that it's good. besides, what people don't seem to get is that it would be hard to feel at home again and then have to watch them go be friends with his new woman. that's going to be really hard for my kid. i don't think that i need to be there. i wouldn't have anyone to sit with. but, on top of all of the other, that's kind of heavy right now.
going back to school tomorrow. lesson plans done. don't have as much done as i hoped, but at least i got some things done. and i entered recovery again. and made a plan with my girl to help us get better. and i spoke up. and i worked. and i rested. and had joy. life is good. even in the rough days.
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