the struggle

making fun.  not of self, but of others.  my kids have it down.  a coping mechanism.  a work around.  but it hurts me.  deeply.  i hate it.  above and beyond......hate it.  not talking about teasing with a gentle heart, but the digs.  comes from their life of having to compete to be seen.  to be accepted.  to have to be the best.  competition was their dad's goal in all things.  it created an atmosphere that doesn't feel safe to fail or to ask questions.  when it occurs still, it crushes me.  i bawled this afternoon after my daughter made fun of the fact that i didn't know how to use netflix on our tv with the wii remote.  i never use it.  i said, "oh, i need help"....and she proceeded to laugh and ridicule.  this was after refusing to help me move a piece of furniture and giving the "i don't care" attitude.  she is so self centered right now.  and...today...it's hard for me.  it's my birthday tomorrow.  but i think that it's pretty much over already before it has even come.  and that's fine.  i can plan myself something to do tomorrow.  but, still, i don't know how someone who dearly loves celebrating people has ended up with this dilemma in life.  well, i do.  i had to settle for all of those years i was married.  the whole "what do you want to do?" thing.  the thing of....i don't want to go out of my way to think of something that you would enjoy.
this year, i already bought my trip.  my gift to myself for my 50th.  nobody might be able to come, but i guess i still get to go to the beach.  it isn't what i hoped to look forward to, but at least i did something. at least this milestone will be honored by my having time at the beach.  at least, i will hopefully have some people come.
but i'm really struggling. i just need some kindness to my heart.  i feel myself slipping to that under the covers place.  something about the whole weekend and then my daughter being on the slide again.  and that means that i again have to walk a tightrope.  and that makes me really pissed.....REALLY pissed with my ex.  and how  often can you say that to anyone?
i am struggling.  i hurt today.  i have things to do, but i'm tethered by the fact that my daughter is being so difficult and i have to interact and try to get her to be more helpful...but she won't be and it upsets me.  a lot.  like a deep ache.  and anger.  and fear for her.  i want her to make it.
just sick of being pushed back to this place because of the ex having his head up his butt.  he needs to grow up and be a father, but i don't think he cares.