too short

no matter how long we get, life is short.  a blink.  even if i live another 50 years on top of the 50 i've racked up,  even if i could have another 50 beyond that.  there would never be enough time.  to love.  to give joy.  to encourage.  to smile. to hug.  to cry with someone.
my grandma has died.  and this has been a hard week.  but, it also reminds me to not let the petty stuff be a problem.  she did a lot of living.  dancing.  taking care of others.  though the dysfunction of our family...set in place so early on in her own marriage.....made things hard these last years....i still love how she lived so vibrantly.
i miss her being in the world.
hard week.
good week.
life is too short.
to make people know
they are loved
created
cherished
i will never have enough time to tell my kids
or grandkids
i love life
and i want to live full out
but sometimes i get dragged down by hurts
still very tender
i might want to live kindly
joyfully
peacefully
in fun
but i still get wounded on the journey
over stupid stuff
so stupid
but, i am still fragile and have to give myself time
comments
criticism
they tear at me


life's short
can't let them keep ne
from doing good
being vulnerable
being giving
being generous
i know life is short
so short
and even if words
or expectations
hurt me sometimes
i can get through
because it is ever so short
ever
so
short
so i will
allow myself to hurt
when i feel embarrassed
or ashamed
but i will get right on back up
and be vulnerable again
and again
and i will give
my heart
my love my smile
my joy
i will share HIM
in who i am
daily
somehow
cuz life's short
and i want to make every minute count

goodbye

i had a rough childhood.   i lived in many different places.  i was loved by some.  tolerated by others.  and despised and demeaned by a few.  it was not an easy upbringing.  my mom died when i was young.  my father was already gone.  and nobody......took charge of my heart.  i was fed.  i was clothed.  but, everyone just always expected me to perform and do well, so, for the most part, i did.
when i was at the end of fourth grade, i went to live with my father's parents.  my gram loved me.  she bantered and cajoled.  she cooked and cleaned and sewed and played games.
but my grandfather.  he was a different story.  he hated my father.  his son.  he said hateful things to me.  he was the one that told me that i'd never do anything with my life because i'd basically just whore myself out and be pregnant by the time i was 16.  he told me that my dad never loved my mother.  he told me that i was important because i was his little tax deficit.....and, until i asked someone, i thought that he had said something kind.  he wasn't nice to many people.  he was bigoted and had a mean streak.
but, gram was there...and she did all of my caretaking, so it was ok.
until it wasn't.  until i finally had to go live somewhere else.  away from the stress.  i still saw my gram.  but, my grandfather died while i was living elsewhere.  a young death.  in his fifties.
my gram was a constant.  even though she was bullied in later life by one of her sons.  he took care of her and wanted her to himself.  he had her to holidays...which i wasn't invited to....and she was "afraid" to upset him by coming to my home.  for years i would just swing by her apartment because if i called, she would have an excuse of why it wasn't convenient.
later, i would call but she did not.  after awhile, i called about twice a year.  i loved hearing her voice.  so familiar.
but, time went by and as she became more dependent on her son, i talked to her less and less.  i finally got her on the phone last year.  my uncle's wife was with her.  it was obvious that gram had alzheimers.  but she remembered things and she shared them with me.  we talked.  my aunt said that i could come see her, that she'd take my number and call me in a day or so when it was convenient.  i never heard from her.  then i finally found my other aunt, my gram's daughter, on facebook.  she accepted my friendship.  she said that we'd get together after she got gram settled in her "home" and that we could go there.  but, she never did.  and when i wrote, she didn't respond anymore.
then, last night, i was on facebook and my aunt had posted one of those memes about "for those of us who have a mom in heaven"....and i gasped.  my heart skipped a beat.  my breath came heavy.  and i typed my gram's name on the search bar.........and there was her obituary.  it was from months ago........when i had been communicating with my aunt.  but, nobody had even told me that my gram had died.  i didn't know and i didn't get to go to her funeral.  i don't know if she is buried or if she is cremated or..........where she is.
how cruel.  how unkind.
my tears flow randomly down my cheeks.  it's not because i saw my gram all of the time, but because i had always held out hope that at some point my family would be back together.  that we would have a holiday.  that........it wouldn't always cause my gram stress to have to "choose".  how stupid is that?  you don't have to choose.  you just.......love them all.
the lack of compassion squeezes at my heart.  it literally closes my throat.  how can anyone be that way?  i don't understand.  i never did.
but, it will be ok.
i have no living grandparents left.  and i am sad.
so sad today.
just had to take a few moments and be sad.
just have to grieve without feeling stupid.
how shameful it feels to not even have been told.  like it's.......my fault.
but, my gram knew me.  and when it was her alone at home and i called, she would be herself and talk.  she understood when i divorced.  it will all be ok.  eventually.
but for now....i just can't quit thinking, "who does that?"
and........."wow".
i know i'm in a form of shock.  i was alone when i found out.  and really, there's not anyone to explain it to.  i'll just have to get through it.
blessings.

allowing change

i go kicking and screaming as far as some changes go.  i love my traditions.  i love relying on some things staying the same.
this year's vacation planning has knocked me out of my comfort zone.  i got the house. i thought i knew who would go.  i didn't.  i was clueless.  it wasn't in my power or control.  so, i let go.  i allowed it to be the possibility of only being my daughter and i.  a house rented...for 16...and nobody.  no one.  then, a friend could go.  then, a son.  then, two more sons.  then one son was out.  then another son was out.  then one son was back in.  the family that we have traveled with for over a decade was an out.  four.  small group.  then son back in.  with girlfriend.  then, another friend.  then, two grandkids.  there are now nine of us going.  not all i hoped.  i have lots of people i love.  but, still, god has worked it all out.
but i had to allow change.  i had to take a breath and know that it was all going to be ok.  i had to give myself permission to both be sad and to be happy that i was going regardless of whether others were going.  it has been quite a journey.
allow.
change.
because really, we don't have any choice.  and the stress and pain come more from fighting the change than from the change itself.
i love my friends.
i wish that i could pack them up and take them with me.
i wish that jobs and college and summer school and commitments didn't keep us from being together.  i love the time together.  i love the memories.  i love taking the time to value people in my life so that i can have no regrets.  none.
i want to live
i want to engage.
i want to risk.
i want to be with the people i love.
but i also want to adapt
when people can't
or won't
or choose not to
i still want to be happy.
and i'm learning.
but it doesn't mean that i don't miss.
it just means that i look for the blessing in what is while i mourn what there could have been.  and i enjoy the blessing.
taking grandkids on this trip.
going to be fun. and tiring.  that's ok.  the joy of seeing them see the ocean for the first time?  awesome.
four seats left in our cars.....wonder if anyone else will join up.

because

i am the person who makes the memory happen.
who desires the time together.
who sees the shortness of time.
who feels to my soul the necessity of saying the important words.

i make vacations for people i love.
and maybe it's stupid.
i don't know
but not to me.
because, to me, it is an investment in time.
it is set aside quality time.
it is a sense of tradition.
it is time to just be together.
adventure.
travel.
road trip.
out of the norm.
shared experience.

because life ends

but memories
traditions
laughter
adventure
courage

live on

and i invest in those

this year has been hard on me

feel like i've lost an awful lot of family

not many going on the birthday trip.
my "prize" to myself for making 50
for embracing the journey towards another 50
to living
really living
not worrying
just plugging away

i love that i can go now....
and come home still happy

a mom of my son's best friend dashed on
to heaven
this last week
swept away unexpectedly
by a river
and she left
being with her family
having memories

i want to do that.
i want to be adventurous.
i want to be kind.
that is all of the greatness that i hope to achieve.
but i let a lot of people down for a long time
they view me as harsh

i'm not
i know it

as i wept this week freely
frequently
i remembered my huge sense of empathy
i had to put it away when i was married for a time
had to
or i wouldn't have survived
had to put on a shell
but now i don't

and it's fun getting to know people as me
fun laughing
fun being kind and gentle
and totally vulnerable
fun

but i miss my family people
a lot

i just
can't make it happen
anymore

i had to let go

because

if people don't say yes
that's their choice

and if i invite and desire
and wish and even
weep
but they choose something else
i have to
keep walking
keep making memories
keep loving
keep learning
keep knowing
life is short

very short
and goodbyes
always come too soon
and though it is in me
to passionately embrace the time
and make things happen with those i love
they don't all have that same desire
they find me odd
intrusive
or in the way

and don't call
or respond to invites
or respond no
most every time

i tried so hard for this trip
50 is big
50 is a blessing
50 should be a huge celebration

and i chose this for me
and i'll do it
and i'll squeeze every moment out of it
and i'll invite
and some will come
and some won't

i have a friend
that it terrifies me to lose someday
i know that in that moment of loss
i'll barely be able to stand
really
and yet
in some ways
it feels that the loss has begun
i am in a place of wanting to build
and be together
and my friend
is in a different place
i hope
for the someday
when things feel aright

because
family
friends
great friends
they need to be appreciated
held close
to the heart
celebrated
regularly
and never taken forgranted

because

goodbye does come
and it hurts
but a little less
if we took the time
when we had it

blessings.

breaking heart

my 23 year old's best friend's mom died today.  suddenly.  unexpectedly.  she drowned.  i follow her facebook page.  she is...was.....so fun loving.  a smile.  a cheerful heart.  photos of soaking in and enjoying life with her husband and kids.  and i have bawled.  my heart breaks for that young man.  his mama was his anchor..his port.
his biological dad died when he was only in high school.  now, at the age of 23 he has lost both parents.  he has a step dad that adores him.  he has sisters.  but he and his mom..they were close.
and it got me thinking about how driven i am to make the memories.  to take the time.  to spend on a trip when really, not going could mean more money for other things.
but the memories.  the time.  the time away.  together.  with friends. with family.  it's worth it.  because you never know.  ever.
and taking time out.  taking time away.  it's necessary.

remnants

as of late, i have continued my journey in relationships.  having spent 20+ years with someone who treated me so unkindly led me to a place where i began to accept as normal being....overlooked, unappreciated, and somehow only worth the leftovers.  the crumbs.  the extras.
and it hurts my heart.  desperately.
because i've come to see in my life that i've allowed and expected it for so long that those that i have thought of as dear friends have become used to it as well.  and i am an afterthought. i am one to call if you need something.  i am one who will jump and be available.  i am someone who will put aside other stuff so that you can have what you want or need.  i am a person who values time and conversation with people.  i will work hard to find out if you are ok.  to find out how you are.  and if i am shut out on one front, i will pursue accept that but will still look for common ground.  i will work hard.  too hard, actually.
it's funny in a not so haha way.
just.  well.  odd.
someone said yes to me the other day.  no hedging.  no thinking.  just, "sure, let me grab my purse, tell my kids and husband and i'll go to dinner with you.".  it was a big deal.  it shouldn't be such a big deal.  it should happen more.  i should have people in life that ask me.  and when i ask that they say yes.  without me thinking that it's an inconvenience for me to have asked.  that hurts me deeply.  because that's how my ex was.  didn't have time to sit down with me.  always too "busy".  always that i was not valuable enough to deserve direct attention.  unless he was getting something.  or needed something.  or was stressed.  and i gave it.  and i did it willingly.  and i reminded myself that that's what love does.
but over time.  over these three years being apart.  well, i've seen more relationships.  i've prayed.  i've studied.  i've gotten out there and met some people.  and i've found that it's not normal.  it's not what i should expect.  when i ask someone to go for a drink or come over for a coffee or just to visit,i shouldn't feel like they are doing me a favor.  i am more valuable than that.
i am worth more than the leftover time.
i think.
because, frankly,
obviously i'm not.
because if i was that valuable, at least to them, it would not be that way.  i'm not unloved.  not despised.  just not valuable enough to be a priority.  i am someone that they speak to on their free time, not the one that they free up time to speak with.
and i know.
i'm annoying.
i'm a little weird.  or more.
i'm socially awkward.
but.
i'm valuable.
i'm loyal.
i'm kind.
i'm generous
i'm bright.
i'm creative.
i'm helpful.
i'm fun.
i'm willing.
i'm thoughtful.
i'm caring.
i'm strong.
i'm wise.
i'm me.
all of the bad and good mixed in.  ad i can't be anything else.
i'm just this package.
and so,
remnants.
of time.
of conversation.
of relationships.
and i give so much to those who keep me at arms length.
and love still.
fully and with all of my heart.
willingly.
because
it's who i am.
but.  i'm learning that there are people at there who think i'm worth more.  people who show up.  who answer.  who call.  who say yes.
and it shouldn't be such a shock.  it shouldn't bring tears  it shouldn't make me stand a little taller.
it should just be what friends and family do.
remnants.
they are something.  and sometimes they are all people have to give.  but, i have a feeling that i let it go on for too long when it was my only expectation.  i was so used to being there, to doing for, to working for others to make things work that i fed that in others.  and now....i find myself....bereft.  with nobody to blame but myself
but.
i don't blame myself.
i choose not to.
i choose happy.
every day.
i choose joy.
every day.
i choose.
life.
i choose to make whole the remnants with filling in the blanks.
i don't know if i'll always be able to.
but for now.
remnants they may be.
i may not be sought out or treasured.
yet,
my goal in life is not to be that.
my goal is to be kind.
to be remembered for being so very kind.
i have a long way to go.
and so i wake up every day with the goal.
with a new heart.
i forget...
they don't know i've changed.
with hard work.
and choices.
they don't know that i have done deep heart work.
and they don't know that it hurts.
remnants from some are worth as much or more than the whole from others.
it's a choice.
it is what it is.
remnants make the best quilts.
blessings to all....

alone again

well.  here i sit.  four dogs.  one ran off, but i retrieved him and now all of them and i are in my room with the door closed.  life is hard today.
i don't feel
pretty enough
like i'm enough
 thin enough
 pleasant enough
helpful enough
friendly enough
spiritual enough
delightful enough
enjoyable enough


because if i was......

i would have been

enough.

but i wasn't.

i'm not.

so, i've cried again.
and laughed at myself for my pity party
but my heart hurts.
a lot

i wanted to grab a friend and take a pretty mountain drive.
soak in the beauty.
enjoy it together.
but my friends were at my ex's party
or have other plans.

and ya know
people seem to like to be with me
or call me
or text me
when there's a purpose or a need
but that's pretty much it.

and i think that i'm just kind of
screwed.
i ask.
i say what i'd like.
but the world is a busy place
and i am not held close enough
to be a priority
and i will never again beg
to be a priority
for anybody
ever.
i won't beg
i won't guilt
i won't remind
i won't even wish
because the one lesson that i learned very well
is that someone being with you falsely
is worse than being alone

so, if i had a car, i'd go to a movie or out get a drink and a movie
i'd do something
because being alone in this room where i lived

with him

it's damn hard
today

not always
but today

because he's with the slender
younger
blond
woman
who now has my kids,
grandkids,
friends,
church
and husband
my town basically
since when she's here, this town feels small

yep.
alone again.
hit me like a brick.

oh, and a real brick hit me today as well.
my swollen and bruised foot
matches my aching and bruised heart

i really did
try in life
to be kind
gentle
loving
peaceful

and i plan on being moreso
as time goes by
but somehow
i guess i just don't fit in

not anymore

i divorced that nice man.
snort.
i did love well
i did try hard
i did have to stop
or die
i didn't want to die
though for years,
i was willing
i prayed that god would take me
so that my ex would be happy
because he was miserable with me
and i knew it
and divorce
"wasn't an option"
until it was

and now, here i am.
and there he is.
he got all of the people to side with him
as he always did
if he noticed i was getting close,
he charmed his way in
and there it is....
i'm not as charming
i don't fall under anyone's radar.
i'm not needy
but i have needs

choosing not to be the victim
has remained the hardest part of this journey
because it continually means a sense
of being invisible
i peek out now and then
or say a little something to try to explain how i feel
but i never just get it all out
no fair no fair no fair
i don't throw that tantrum
that rises up
i choose
to do differently

so sad tonight
should have made something to look forward to
but who knew
that him getting everything for his 50th
would hurt so damn bad?

Ever the Same

i have grown.  i have changed.  i have healed.  and i am ever the same.

i care deeply.  even when someone treats me poorly.  yesterday, i gave cash that i don't really have to spare to help my kids feel less stressed about their dad's birthday party food expense.  the party where he will turn 50 with his girlfriend.  the party that they tried to plan as a surprise but which go waylaid a bit and so now people know...but they were planning it.  and it's ever the same because that's how it was most years for my birthday.  i planned for him with the kids.  i taught them.  we schemed and talked about what to do and what to get.  my birthday was six weeks earlier and was generally a morning of or maybe late night before "what do you want to eat for your birthday?"
this year was hard.
i held out hope for far too long that my kids were just waiting until they were back in the state or something like that.  silly?  i know.  and not even very important.  and i excused them with their busy lives and limited money and whatever.  but then, there was the party for their dad.  and then the stress for my eldest son because he hadn't planned on so many people financially....and then there was me.....rescuing and honoring what my ex deserves.  because turning 50 is a big deal.  it's a blessing.  it's a wow moment.
but i saw him and his girl yesterday and was nearly in the same place twice more.  guess god saw fit to change my mind by  a couple of minutes.  and he and she took out the grandkids.
and my kids promised a big party at my next 50. :)  so, i'll live to be 100.
but last night, i realized that it's still ever the same.  still the fact that i have nowhere to run.  i have nobody who sees that sometimes i just need to be seen for who i am and not as a strong woman.  though, i am strong, sometimes, i just want to sit and watch a show or be quiet or whatever.....just soak in the comfort of being me without being anything to anyone else.  and i have been a lot to others in the last few days.  i got weary.  and i was alone.  and i actually like being alone.  but sometimes, i just need to lean somewhere.  and there was nowhere.
i was efficient.  i took care of what needed to be done.  i did it well.
and i cried my tears alone.
and i still doing so.
my kids will sit at church with my friends.
with my ex.
with his new woman.
with my grandkids.
he will be celebrated greatly.
he will be acknowledged.
and i am invisible.

but still.....it's not like it was before.  because now i can have my feelings.  i can weep and move on.  i can garden and read and write and plan what to do around my house.  i can acknowledge myself.  even when it's all alone.  i can acknowledge that i did something well....at great personal cost.  huge personal cost.  and i can also smile and look back and remember that i always knew that there was someone else that he cherished but that it wasn't me.  it was never me.  and living how i am now is loads better than living with someone who wished he was somewhere else.  who pretended.  who treated me poorly and with disdain.  who shamed me.  who pushed me away.  and this is where we got to.  and i am happy.
but there are some moments where i wish that i was seen.  that i wish that the losses and sacrifices were noted.  my kids just expect it.  my friends figure it's what i wanted so all was well.  what i wanted was a whole family.  but the price of that was living a lie.  so, i choose this.  i CHOSE this.
and i smile when i realize how right i was.  he wanted someone else.  and he has her.

it's just a little sad that she is sitting in my seat.  eating food i bought.  being with my grandchildren.  and that she doesn't know.  he doesn't know.  i have been gracious today.  i have helped the kids to do what they should do....because it's part of being a good parent.  teaching.  guiding.
but i deserve some time off about me.  maybe a mountain day trip.

Still Walking

It has been awhile since I've written.  I've been working hard and dealing with a lot of things to do.  I have a couple of sons home...one for the summer and one for the year.  I am happy to have them, and I am also having heartache about one.  The resentment/contempt that he has begun to show in little moments have reminded me of his dad.  And that's hard.  It's hard to have someone not ask why, not want to discuss, not want help, but want help....it's really hard to be a single mom of young men.  Their dad plays with them occasionally.  I'm the only catalyst for forward motion.  I'm the only one that they take out any emotional stuff on.  And, right now, I am tired.  School has worn me out.  I love my students and my curriculum and my coworkers.  A large amount of people that I love working with are leaving and my heart is aching.
And, it's good to talk about it.  But my kids don't really care.  I might get an "mmm hmmmm"....from them.  Maybe.
I slept yesterday and that helped a lot.
I'm still walking.
Sometimes I want to say, "your dad was a real jerk to me and that's why I divorced him so quit giving me crap....I had enough for a lifetime."  But I won't.
Just keep walking.
And loving.
And learning how to do things with grace.  Somehow.
blessings.

the clouds

clouds come in life.

and cast shadows.

and the shadows feel like reality

but the reality is that there's a whole world of light above the clouds. 

and faith means choosing to remember the sunny place above the clouds when all you can see is the shadow.  the dark.  

but sometimes the storm comes even up above the clouds

darkness threatens to overtake the light

and at that moment, the only thing to do is to take a breath and trust the Pilot.  there's nothing to do.  there's nothing to control.  all you can do is relax, breathe and have faith that you are still in the light.  clouds come.  

but they are not the reality.

the reality is the light

that causes clouds

to cast a shadow.

it's not dark.

just shadowed.

be of good courage.

there is light.

everywhere.