Rough Morning Makes for a Rough Day

This morning I found out that my ex had my daughter take my mail to him while he waited on the porch so that he could look for something he was expecting.  Except he has been moved out for four months.  And I have asked and asked for him to change his address.  So stressful.  Made me upset that he was using her for that purpose.  It was really hard.  Really hard.  Because I was irritated with her.  I felt violated.  I was troubled.  It all came out because I was reminding them to put the mail IN the bin we have and wondering aloud why it was spread all over the piano.  And then.....I told them, I've asked him to change his address.  I told them that I don't want them to have to give him the mail.  If there are things to take, I will put them aside.  It's hard to be firm and respectful.  Especially when he has put them in the middle of it.  He has them check the mail to see if certain things have arrived. 
I know that I should just forward it, but I resent that he makes me always be the one to take care of things.  He didn't take himself off of my phone line....I had to cancel his cell phone.  He didn't buy his own car insurance, I had to have my policy rewritten and then have the part that remained his sent to his new address.  He wants to make me engage.  And I have no interest in doing so.  I'm weary of trying to reason with him.  I spent over twenty years trying to communicate and it wasn't very effective.  I tried word pictures, turning it around so he could look at it from a different view point, asking questions, trying to repeat and clarify...but it was always the same ending.  And I guess that I'm just not willing to stay in that position.  It was too hard.  It hurt.  This hurts.  It's disrespectful.  It's illegal.  He has no right to touch my mail.  Nor, actually, to be on my property.  I am stressed.  Big time.  Hard to deal with.  But, I have to.
Happening first thing in the morning just drained me.  I need a hug and I'm without any.  So, I get that tired feeling.  The one where you just want to escape for awhile.
Tears...not yet, but close by.  Think I better head to bed early.
blessings.

Nightmares End

Tonight, I left my glasses in the bathroom.  My phone was across the room.  I was walking around in undies" and a t-shirt.  And suddenly I remembered how it had been.  Clutching my phone to me at night.  Afraid.  Being startled awake by sounds and wondering if it was him.  I remember sleeping in clothes and having my purse, keys and phone right there in case I needed to leave. 
That nightmare ended.  And I am so relieved.  So thankful to sleep in my room...though it be on my tiny cot.  I am so happy to have that place.  A safe place. 
I am not afraid anymore...well, at least mostly.  I get to rest when I need to.  I get to stay up late when it strikes me. 
And in the mornings, I am not watched for when I awake.  Nor do I have to dread him coming ot sit on my bed to  talk..."talk" always terrified me.  Always wound up a fight.  And in the end, he would behave as a victim and make me feel like I was supposed to comfort him. 
I'm glad to wake up from the nightmare that used to be my life. 
And though others will never understand....they have never had to be married to him.  He just couldn't love....except himself. 
Free.

tonight

Tonight, I met with my dear friends.  I had written them a letter that I didn't take....didn't even completely finish...because it felt stupid.  But, I told them that I had written it.  It took courage to say...but, somehow it ended up lost in the mix of the night's conversation.  So, it turned out that it wasn't that brave after all. 
It's good to be with such nice ladies.  Dedicated.  Loving.  Smart.  How blessed I am.  Yet, still, I know that though I try and desire to be able to say things, it must just not be the right thing.  People really don't want to hear.  Interesting to me. 
But I know this one thing....I made it through.  I made it out.  And I am thankful for that.  Very thankful.  And though I can't make someone hear my story, I can learn to be ready to share it when it's appropriate.  Not demanding that others hear it, but also not hiding it.  Learning to tell my part.  I'm working on it.  Slowly the words are coming to me.  Kinda.
blessings.

The Party

The kids suddenly remembered that they were supposed to take the volleyball and horse shoes to the going away party.  And, inside, I smiled.  I get what is happening.  He saw the stuff set up when we had my son's birthday party.  At the last minute, my son kinda wanted me to go.  I was filthy from ripping up carpet, but I could tell.  It was hard, but I still chose to stay home.  Need a bath.  Didn't think that I could face five hours of time in the pretense zone.  Don't know who I would have to visit with.  Seemed too hard.  Too much.  And though it's hard to admit...I need to do some things just because it's what I need for me right now.  My son said, "you could come and be with me the rest of the day."  My heart fell.  Being with him is wonderful.  He chose me this morning.  Though his dad tried to take him then too.  He took him last night.  Tonight.  But, he doesn't get to take away the love or commitment or connection that I have with the kids.  He buys them more things now.  Takes them out to eat.  Feeds them fancier foods.  Buys more expensive soda.  They notice.  But those things don't make a father.  I'm glad that they are getting something though.  Glad that there is time.  Because the bottom line is that I can never ever be their father.  Only their mama. 
The party has been going on for about an hour.  I have a lot of work to do around the house because we pulled up stinky carpet.  But I am without a vaccuum and have nearly finish pulling up the tacks.  So, perhaps it's nearly time for a bath and some rest time.
Each time I have to face all of this stuff, it takes up a lot of energy.  I need to learn to be good to myself in those times.  To hear myself.  To love the person I am and treat her with compassion.  Even if nobody else in the world can get it or feel it or walk with me....I can learn to look at myself and know what I need, how I really feel.....and give myself permission to be right there for that season.  For God has things to teach me.  And wants to love me in the here and now.  I love that.
blessings.

The Depth of His Disdain

You know, living where I do now, it's pleasant to put behind the awful feelings that I lived with so long.  It's convenient to live in a new place and to feel satisfied and fulfilled where I am.  But, sometimes, I feel like I have to go back and revisit those painful places in order to make others understand.  It's as if some people.....who, by the way, do really care about me.....simply don't understand because I haven't shared the horrid depths of the pit.  The use of sex and money for power.  The depth of his disdain for me and feelings of superiority.....while behaving like a martyr.  The constant emotional roller coaster.  The always walking on eggshells to keep things livable for everyone.  It's as if some people won't believe my "it was worse than it looked."  They can't take me at my word because all they seem to see is his charm. 
He hurt me.  More than anyone else in my life ever has.  Including my step mother who didn't really take care of me and my dad who was absent from birth.  Those people I could talk to.  Those people have no pull over my forever life.  But my ex did...and will.  Because forevermore, people will question why I chose divorce.  I will be considered less than whole.  Less than the best.  I'm not too distressed about it.  However, I deeply desire to have my friends know me well enough to know how much, how long, how hard, how unending it was for me to come to this place. 
One in particular pretends to get it when she is in the midst of others, but when it's the two of us, she says hurtful things.  She can be quite cutting when she chooses, but I'm not so used to her turning it on me.  She assumed that I would go to the party that my husband was throwing today because it was neutral territory.  She didn't get the emotional upheaval, the sense of loss because he nabbed the last night, the uncomfortableness of going with him being the host and needing to interact.  Going to an event that both of us are attending but not hosting is somehow easier.  As long as there are enough people to be a buffer. 
I don't know all of the answers, but I know that I don't want to have to live in that place anymore.  I know that I am where I am as a gift of God.  Alive and breathing.  Not wishing to simply not wake up, and fearing for my children if I didn't.  No longer wishing that he just wouldn't make it home.  It was a deep and dark and painful place.  He was as unkind as many others who LOOK mean.  He just looks so very good.  And I keep thinking...maybe he is to others.  Maybe he just resented or hated me.  He called it love.  It was a bad kind of "love".  It was need.  It was dependence.  It was ownership.  It was control.  It was jealousy.  It was "comfortable."  It was so many things.  But it was NOT love.  Love doesn't seek to put down.  To diminish another.  It encourages and builds.  
And I tried to keep giving that kind of love.  To help him.  To understand him.  To support him.  But he simply sucked it all up and wanted more.  Nothing was ever enough or good enough. 
I hated the life I was living.  I loved the kids.  Loved that marriage had given me them.  But I came to a place that I knew that I couldn't live a life that was so full of pain for another 40 years.  And I said so.  And I begged for change.  And I said how things made me feel.  And he always turned it around to how it was my fault.  Or would cry and be needy so that I would once again make things right.
It was too hideous to even consider ever going back to.  Just thinking the thought now, that cold, shaking feeling overtook me.  A primal response.  The shutting down.  No.  Though some simply won't understand, and though I can't explain well enough, I can't live there.  I can't live with him.  I need a good long time truly separated from him.  I need time to heal. 
I guess I feel that I have these gaping wounds and they choose not to see them.  They think that a bandaid will suffice.  But under the bandaid, the life drains out.  I can't comply. Though I want them to like me.  Though I am quite nearly desperate for words of encouragement and support.  So tired of the "I'll just be friends with both of you like it has always been."  I want to be a big girl and have that be ok.  But in the depths of my heart, sometimes I just long for someone to say, "I totally choose you, you are my real friend, I'm not going anywhere, you are very important to me."  How nice that would be.  But alas, I would have to moan and complain and tell it like it is and cause them to hate him....and I don't have that in me.  People are just going to have to make their own decisions.  Period. 
And I just have to live my decisions.  And when I think it's too hard, all I have to do is remember the impossibility of the alternative.  There's no way that I can be married to him.  No trust.  No love.  No hope that he will ever treat me as a husband.  No nurture.  No comfort.  No co-parenting. 
No, I'm done.  I know it for sure.  And it just hurts when some push me to be "nicer"  when I'm being as nice as I possibly can be for how new and raw it all is.
Actually, I think that I'm doing a damn fine job.
Even if I have to say so myself...:)
blessings.

I forget

I forget to cut myself slack.  I forget that it's only been a few months.  I forget that dealing with the crap wears me out physically.....explaining why I fell sound asleep at 7:30.  Really.  And am now tucked into my bed in my jammies having told my little loves good night. 
I forget that I went through a lot and that recovery takes time.  So easy to give it to others.  So easy to be hard on myself.  I want so badly to simply be me again.  None of the crap.
I asked a friend last night if it's too hard staying friends with me.  I feel like a burden.  Like my choosing to make him an ex makes others have to go through hard times.  That hurts beyond belief. And in the midst of that, I try to diminish what I lived through.  What I felt.  How I was treated. 
Sometimes it's so hard when I see him looking so nice to everyone.  Ok, often it's hard.  Makes my stomach hurt.  Because I really don't trust him.  At all.
He ended up asking me to my son's party on Saturday night.  I will decline.  But if it was important to my son I would go.  But I want it to be about him.  About his journey. Not about me and his dad.  Or his dad trying to impress me.  And it still comes back to that feeling that he just wants me to say that everything is fine.  He refuses to own it.  Oh, he says the words, "I didn't meet her needs."  It mostly comes out sounding like I was exceptionally needy and poor him just didn't know what to do.
Bottom line is that I need to learn to be kind to me.  To learn that sometimes my friends are going to hurt along with me.  And my kids.  That's simply painful.  And wears on me.
But I'm going to cut myself some slack.  Take it easy a little bit and go to sleep early.  And I'm going to try not to cry about the whole weekend thing.  I have had my son many nights.  The ex needs time to show off his skills.  And....at least he is making an effort.  With good intentions or not.  Doesn't matter.  As long as my son gets good stuff put into his life.
blessings.

Hurting Those I Love

For so long I worked.  And stayed.  And put myself aside.  And suffered.  Because I had this sense that if I could deal with all of the behavior.  Work through all of the stuff.....carry it myself.  Stay though I was dying.  Then, somehow it would protect those I love.  My kids.  My friends.  Turns out that perhaps I was right.
I am happier, but I have this dull ache in knowing that my being "freed" has caused pain to others.  That by my decision it causes choices to have to be made.  Awkwardness in how they should behave.  I despise that.  I feel like I did that.  Oh, in my heart there are lots of things that I know that he did.  And I know that being with him isn't right for my life.  That the way he treated me...treated our kids...wasn't healthy.  That our relationship was toxic.  I know it.  But, it doesn't stop me from mourning the loss of having protected others.  I want their lives to be peaceful.
Sometimes I have that "I just wish that I could just disappear and not cause them any more trouble" feeling.  I know it isn't all my fault.  And yet....one of the most painful parts of all is the fact that my decisions have affected many.
Don't know what to do.  It's not like I want to unfriend them all....not like that would make it all better.  I just didn't know that it would pull at them so much.  I guess I thought somehow that he would leave me to my friends.  Wrong.  Very wrong.
I think I should go to sleep before I melt into tears......again.  This part is too hard to figure out.
And I don't help it by sharing my hurts with my friends.  How lonely that makes it for me.  But I keep coming back to the fact that if I suffer, it was my choice....if they suffer, it wasn't their choice.  They could have been quite content with life as it was.
Sigh.  Life is messy.

Competition Factor

Oh my goodness, I remembered in the tub what finally makes this big party make sense.  The competition factor.  He always has to win.  Always.  Some way.  So....I had my son's birthday party....not even on his birthday.  He had him on his birthday, the day before as well.  Had a weekend day and a night that he could plan something.  He didn't.  But....I didn't invite him.  So now, he is having this party for our other son and planning a big deal with all of  "our" friends.  And I finally get it.  It just seemed so off in my mind, but NOW, I get it.  He has to win.  He has to show that he can do it bigger and better.  He has to not invite me....not that I want to be at all. 
At least I have a bit of understanding now.  Though....I still do not get why he has always had to compete.  With me.  With our kids.  With people at work.  With his friends.  Don't know.  Don't have to worry about it anymore.  Now, I get to just enjoy the fact that I have peaceful nights.  Grace filled days.  I get to enjoy living.
A friend from years gone by was talking to me on facebook.  She was commenting on how I look so happy in my pictures from this summer.  How I sound like myself again....she said, "your gleeful self."  I KNEW that's what I had been. 
So, I'm working on getting through feeling like an idiot with my friend.  Not because she would care, because she loves me anyway.  But because I just want to figure it out.  I want to be able to have my friends....really have them...no pretense.  Yet, I want to also honor boundaries regarding the fact that my ex is a part of their lives.  Such is life.  One of my friends told me that I'm going to have to make new friends.  Move on.  She was talking about how she would still talk to my ex and whatever.  And somehow, in that moment, I hurt so much.  I ended up leaving and going home because I had to go to work the next day, but really....it was just too much to swallow while I was sitting with my friends.  I don't think that she realized what she was saying. 
I'm just going to take it a moment at a time.  I am going to enjoy this life.  I am going to focus on good.  I have to deal with this other stuff too...but it is not the bulk of my life.  My kids, my friends and my job make up the bulk at this point.  I'm going to revel in the good and let the bad sort itself out.  It's true, I might just have to move on.  As I sat there, I imagined my girlfriends sitting around the table without me.  It was really hard.  So....I think I'll just not think about it for now.
blessings.

Keep Quiet

Though the world tells me that I need to open up and share those things that are hurting my heart, frustrating me, filling me up with ickiness, I am afraid that it's not true.
Tonight I shared how irritated and hurt I was about Saturday night being my son's last night and how my ex had simply usurped the time I had been planning and planned to have the kids over to dinner.  I was expressing how difficult it was.  And, she listened.  Then, I got home.  And my youngest tells me that it's a party.  At the park.  That he rented a pavilion.  And invited everyone.  I was floored.  And how he wants them to go to a street festival on Friday night...my son's only other night off work.  Seriously???
But the real kicker was that the friend that I was venting to was invited!  Now, I feel like an idiot yet again.  This whole friends being shared thing is so hard.  Harder than I can tell anyone, because WHO would I tell?  I've invested my life into people that he hung with too.  I told him to be polite.  That they were important.  I fought for being hospitable.  And NOW he decided to do so.  Irritating.
But I need to learn to just not say it to other people.  Makes me sad.  Heartbroken even.  But, it is what it is.
grace to you.

Waking Up

It's good to wake up in the morning.  To have a job to go to.  To have kids that get to go to school and have an education.  I wake up to so many blessings.  Birds singing.  The smell of flowers.  I wake up to a peaceful home.  To hope and anticipation.And though some days it seems nicer to stay asleep, it's always better to wake up.
And so it is in life.  Waking up to what is.  Facing it.  Learning to see the blessings.  They are there.  Right in the midst of the horror of having to wake up.  Just depends on what I look at.  On what I decide to value.
I'm waking up....in SO many ways.
blessings.

Irritating

My ex made plans for dinner for my sons last night at home before he goes back to college.  Really, he did.  Without communicating with me.  At all.  When he was SUPPOSED to have plans with another son to go to an arcade for the day.  He canceled that and made plans to have the kids for dinner.  Really?  Sometimes, he amazes me.  He doesn't buy the airline ticket to send him back.  He doesn't offer to help.  He doesn't take them to get something for school...but he takes the last night home.  A night that my son doesn't have to work.  Sooooo.  I guess we'll do something Friday night.  And I WILL take my son to the airport.  Somehow it hurts me. 
He has the money now to play with them.  They are going golfing again next month.  They ate steak on Sunday.  Seriously, I am working out how to buy groceries for them.  They do get it though.  Because they understand economics.  They get that paying for one to live is a lot less.  They know that he helps us too.  But, somehow, it doesn't feel fair to me that he gets all of the fun and I get the mundane things like....say, buying shoes.  Oh well.  I get a really good part.  Their love and company.  He gets love too.  So...it's fair enough.  It's just hard on me and causes me irritation. But I guess I'll just suck it up and deal with it.  I don't want to tell the kids no after he already asked....and obviously he isn't into letting me know...so, it is what it is.  He is who he is.  I don't have to live there anymore.  I will choose to enjoy the times we have together.  And the times we have apart. 
I do think it odd that he doesn't ask what might be convenient since I take care of them 24/7.  Doesn't seem to matter to him. 
Ok, I've gritched long enough.
Time to sleep and rejuvenate and count my blessings.  Which are plentiful.
blessings.

Work

My job is a blessing in so many ways.  But though money and benefits are nice.  By far, the greatest gift to me is the place to be and belong and work....really work.  On something that matters.  Though it's really hard.  Very hard.  Though I'm in over my head! 
blessings.

In the Quiet

Lights are out.  I need to sleep.  Tomorrow will come early as I have to leave the house about 6:50.  Yet, here I am.  Thoughts in my mind.  Wishes.  Dreams. 
Here I am.  A single mom.  But, it doesn't feel much different on that front than it always did.  I've always done the raising. 
But I wish that I wasn't invisible.  I wish that people would see that there was a lot of hurt.  That it's not a joke.  That it's not about them.  That it's not contagious.  That I am still a human being.  A Christian human being even. 
I am not perfect.  Not remotely so.  I cuss sometimes.  I lose my temper.  I wish for things that I don't have.  I hold on when I should let go.  I do not always do my best...though, at the time, sometimes it's the best that I can do for then.  I am lazy at times.  Nitpicky at others.  I have so many faults of my own.  I already know this. 
And here I am.  Trying to help kids get to where they need to be.  Trying to let go and pray for them and lead by example rather than telling them what they ought to do.  It's hard.  Very hard.  Half of the time I know that I'm messing up and the other half I'm not sure that I'm getting it right. 
My aunt says that I've ruined them...like her sister did when she divorced.  Maybe she's right.  I just don't know.  So many people are more spiritual than I.  It seems to be so simple for them.  But I struggle.  I feel like God wants to grow me.  To be with me.  And not just in the part of my life that was married.  But I broke a promise.  And that is sinful.  And people are telling me that in love.  But they don't know that I really did take it seriously.  But I still failed. 
Yes, needing to go to sleep but also needing to just let God love on me for awhile.  To hear Him tell me that He died for me. 
I went to church today.  I heard the message.  I sang the songs and worked hard to keep my heart tuned to Him.  But there are those who have the power to really hurt.  Especially those who were once close.  Who choose him.  Who choose to believe that he is doing everything to fix all of this misunderstanding....as if it is a simple misunderstanding.  That's what he treats it as.  Like the depth of my pain does not exist.  Even after all of this, after sitting in court and saying that I do not believe this can be fixed.  After doing all of the paper work.  He still refuses to hear me.  That is how it has always been.  I guess it is how it will always be.  But he sure looks pathetic to others.
I don't want to.  Well, sometimes I do.  I want them to see the depth of my hurt.  But, overall, I want to LIVE.  To THRIVE.  To GROW.  I want to move on. 
Somehow, I want to get past this being the main thing in my life.  Maybe that's one reason I love my job so much.....there, I  am not defined by this failure.
blessings.

Trying

I am trying to share my heart.  Trying to learn to just say things without unkindness or meanness.  But, I'm not sure that I can do that yet.  I want to get past the need to actually be heard.  My entire world is full of his friends.  Of people who have to feel like they need to sit on a fence.  And be kind to both.  And that is what it is.  I can't blame nor not understand.  But when I hear it, my heart weeps.  I can barely hold it together.  Because I want to shout, "he has family, he has church, he has EVERYONE, and who do I get to have?"  But that's not how it works.  And the fact that new people come is not the same as the people with whom I have history.  Makes me feel ill.  But I have to keep remembering that time goes by.  I will heal.  Just as it is.  I can't change others.  I can't change circumstances.  But I can change how I feel about me.  I can give myself the permission to hurt and mourn for these losses.  Though nobody is there to get it.  Shoot, he even write MY supposed family.  Others that I've seen go through similar things have had good support.  Family.  Friends.  Me....and I have to say that I had to learn, but I understand pretty well now what support looks like.  It looks like whatever they need in the moment. 
Can't take the healing journey class.  Apparently if you've had a huge life change or crisis or too many changes then this isn't the time.  Besides, my list of people that I could possibly talk to is pretty short.
Can't go to sunday school. 
Can't just lay it out there anywhere.  People say you should.  Say you can.  But in the next breath they also say how they are both of our friends.  And I have to choke back the tears.  Have to suddenly remember that I need to watch what I say. 
I always need to be aware that what I say can and probably will get back to him.  That somebody will think that they are doing a good thing. 
Church was ok.  And yet hard.  Had two people ask me how I was and then cringe when they realized what they had said.  They know, but I haven't told them. 
Another friend has to explain me to her husband who is best buds with my ex.  That's hard too.
Some days I just want a break.  One day where I can just say to people that I care about exactly what I want to.
But, it's not wise.  It's not fair to share with people in order to dump my stuff so that I feel better. 
But I'll tell you.....sometimes, I just want to say that I am pretty awesome to have made it as long as I did.  That I held so much together.  That I held the kids together.  And now it feels like everything has fallen apart in my world.  That I'm alone. 
And even in that overwhelming aloneness......I am so happy to be able to breathe.  Because no matter what anyone else thinks or feels or believes.....it was killing me.  Literally.  And this is just where I need to be. 
I have great friends.  They are the most wonderful ladies you could ever hope to know.  Yet, even there, they are not mine and not his.  They are both.  Just how it is.
blessings.

Speaking for God

You know, I have had so much beating down by people who say that they are speaking for God, that I am not inclined to do so.  I know that I have the right to tell my aunt...and others....that there are biblical reasons to part.  That God has standards.  That I am valuable to Him as just me as well as married.  But, somehow, I just can't force myself to do it. 
My ex would use the bible to get me in line.  To make me feel guilty for saying something.  He would use God to make me feel small, but not to build me up.  And I don't want to be that.
And...I don't feel qualified to speak for God.  Only to the fact that He loves, redeems and stays.  Only to the fact that I know His comfort because I have experienced it.  But I can't say what He thinks of where I am.  I can learn to walk with Him.  To continue to hear Him, but I can't tell others, "well, God says....." because I think that every journey is unique.  That every heart and soul is special enough to Him that He walks through those unique circumstances with each person as they come.
I feel ok saying not to bother me.  Not to hurt me.  Not to judge me. 
My one son doesn't go see his dad.  He came as close as he has ever come today to explaining it.  Before telling me that it's not my business.  I love that boy.  I will just keep praying for his heart.  He has been injured.  I can apologize for my part, but I can't be a dad to him.  That's hard.
So reflective feeling today.  It's as if I'm too tired to do a whole lot of work so my mind is working extra. 
I'm not worried.  I do laugh that my ex has thousands of dollars in the bank while I have less than a hundred.  And he will get paid yet again before he owes us a check again.  Kinda funny.  But, then I remember....he is getting what he always wanted.  Money in the bank.  And I am getting to breathe.  I guess that's a win win. 
I am not sure that it is healthy that he takes the kids when it is convenient.  Not sure what that teaches my boys about being a father.  But, I'm going to leave that to their other Father to make right.  To meet them.  To love them.  Because I can't be that.  I can't make up for it.  I never could.  I've tried for so many years.  And now...I'm letting it go.
Going to take a bath.  Going to see my girlfriends tonight.  They make life fun.  And, they hold things together for each other.  I adore their laughter.
blessings.

Rest

Yesterday was hard on me.  My aunt wrote and said that she's sorry that she doesn't "get" my issues.  I guess that I'm just too raw or something, but it didn't feel like an apology.  It felt like one of those where she was trying to make me feel guilty.  Like I didn't have any just cause.  And I couldn't figure out why.
I didn't have anyone to bounce it off of.  So, I ruminated on it.  And eventually, I fell asleep.  I woke up this morning and realized that she still didn't say anything like....I support you....I understand....you're important to me no matter what you decide.  The conditions are loud and clear. 
So now all I can hope is that she doesn't show up here when she's stateside. 
I am thinking that one day it will get easier.  And it was better after a good, long night's sleep.  Yet, I think that it will always hurt when some people judge me without knowing.  Sometimes I wish that I could be far away.  Hiding.  Other times, I'm so glad that I'm right here with my loved ones.  That means that it's not time to make that big of a decision yet.  Too emotional still.
A warm bath.  Working around the house.  A good brunch.  I should be better.  I hope.
blessings.

Yippee!!

I have a job.  At a place I enjoy.  And I get to go to one place each day without wondering where I'll be teaching today.  And I get a paycheck.  And health insurance.  And life insurance.  And retirement.  I am ever, ever so blessed. 
Because of that, I get to get up when the clock has a 5 as the first number....but hey, I think that it's worth it!!!

Bullying

Some bullying is done in a passive way.  It involves denying acceptance or kindness or even love.  I was thinking about this today as I thought about the letter that my aunt wrote to me regarding my current circumstances.  She made a lot of assumptions.  She told me what I should do.  She gave advice.  She told me how I would feel about it.  She never asked me how I felt or what brought me to this place.  She never said that she'd be there for me.  She said that I had been their pride and joy.   Yet, if that were true, why doesn't she communicate with me except to tell me where I'm going wrong?  She tells me how wise I used to be but won't hear my reasoning in the now. 
And I wrote back and said that those things hurt me.  It has been two days and I haven't heard back at all.  So, like the first time she addressed the issue, she said her piece and when I didn't agree or do what she said, she ignored me. 
I wonder if she knows how saying sorry would help.  Or even simply loving unconditionally.  But, bullying by withdrawing because I won't go her way is simply hurtful.  Today I realized how much.  How I don't want to hear from her and yet I wish that she would wake up.  That she would be someone in my corner who knows that I wouldn't be in this place in life without a very good reason.....or a dozen. 
Anyway, there are lots of kinds of bullying.  And this one is as painful as the yelling kind.  Maybe moreso because there's no way to fight back. 
Instead, I must learn to live.  To pray.  To give.  To choose.  To be kind.  I must.  Because I know who I was made to be and Who I was made to follow. 
It's a long road, but it's a beautiful journey.
blessings.

My Big Girl Job

My big girl job has been kicking my ass this week.  Working 12 or so hours a day without spending time actually teaching.  But tomorrow, the big day  arrives.  STUDENTS!!!
I am excited and nervous thrilled and overwhelmed.  All at once. 
This job is a gift.  I'm going to choose to treasure it.
blessings.

People Say the Darndest Things

I had an inbox from an aunt tonight.  A missionary aunt.  We rarely talk or see one another.  She has corresponded with my ex recently.  After assuring me that he took "all" responsibility, she went on to tell me how it was my fault.  Well, not exactly.  But basically the gist is to do whatever it takes to stay married.  But since I'm not married anymore, I wonder.....am I already considered condemned?  Is it too late?  Just being a little facestious.  But, truly, she hurt me.  A lot.  She doesn't know what life was like.  She doesn't know that he seems sorry now.  He seems like he just doesn't understand.  But, I had been married to him nearly 22 years.  He would cry to distract me from saying anything I needed in order to turn the attention to him.  He would fight for hours and then "apologize" after I had been so beaten down that I could barely function.  He has never thought of me above himself.  Ever.
And what I have come to realize is that need is not the same as love.  That wanting to possess or feeling jealous does not mean that you care.  I'm so weary of him playing the victim.  Of saying that he wasn't meeting my needs and he just doesn't know how to "win" me back.  I'm so very tired of him contacting people that he has no business contacting in the first place.  I don't call or email his family to tell them what he has done or hasn't done.
I made a choice.  I get that.  And no matter my reasons, I get that some people will believe that it is wrong.  Completely.  And some people will blame my friends.  Or some other influences.  But this decision was mine alone.  It has been a hard road to walk.  It was a hard decision to make.
She says that I'm going to destroy my children.  That even if they look ok now, they will be damaged.  Strangely, in the Bible, the best fathers had sons that were horrible and the worst ones had sons that served God.  Go figure.  I think that God is faithful.  Even in the midst of all of this.  And I don't think that anyone gets to blame someone else for their success or failure.
She wounded me.  She says that I know in my heart that what I am doing is wrong.  But I haven't told her what I am doing.  We don't talk.  I am stressed.  I am tired.  I am sad.
Sometimes I look around the world and wonder if there will be a time or place where I don't feel like I have to do everything to make everyone else have a better life.  It feels like they are saying that in my own life there is no room for me.
I told her that I lived too long making it work to keep everyone else happy.  I mean that too.  I LIKE for others to be comfortable.  Happy.  Content.  But I am beginning to realize that it doesn't mean that I don't get to have hopes dreams and things for me too.
Who gets to decide for me?  Me.  With God.  Who does not condemn?  Or does He condemn some?  I am so confused.  It's like a double message.  That freedom and hope and life are a gift....if you give up the ability to live and breathe and have hope?   Really?  Is that what it means to live the christian life?  Does denying self mean that I have to give up everything so that he can have all that he hopes and dreams?  Because frankly, that's how it was.
I'm not interested.  Not in that kind of portrayal of Jesus.  I believe in the Jesus of the Bible.  The One who sees me.  The whole me.  Who embraces me.  Who totally gets me.  Who walks with me every moment.  Even now.  ESPECIALLY now.  But, I can't say that I know for sure.  It's just the idea that I get from the Bible.  That I don't do anything to merit or buy His grace.  His forgiveness.  His mercy.  That He receives me.  Just like this.  Frail.
But there are people who make me doubt that.  And it reminds me of my marriage.  Of the performance standard.  "Loved" if you perform adequately.  I don't want to live there anymore.  I haven't been........and yet.......it's so hard when people cut so deeply.  Though I'm sure that they mean so well.  I hope that they do at least.
She says that she knows that I'll be mad.  More like injured.  I kind of hope that I don't hear from her anymore.  She says that I know in my heart that what I'm doing is wrong.  But she is totally wrong.  What I was doing before was wrong.  It was fake.  It was covering up and excusing his bad behavior.
So tired.  Working so hard.  And wondering.......does anyone see me?  Does it matter that I'm here?  Am I anything just as me?  Or do I only hold value as a spouse?  I am struggling.  I am hurting.  All because someone who probably means well said things in an assuming manner.
What gives someone the right to speak into my life?  I think that it's when they are willing to be there no matter what my decision is.  No matter what I choose.  That there is mutual respect even when we differ.  Instead, I find that some christians, including my ex, want to use Jesus to bully, to make people conform to their ideals.
How weary this all makes me.  I want to sleep, but I am upset.  My head pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  Can't scream....kids would wonder what's up.
So I sit here...writing.  Wondering when the garbage will end.  I just want to run away.
My son behaves as if his life is ruined.  That I'm a lousy mother.  And maybe I am.  But at least I'm here....still putting into his life.  At least I didn't say that I didn't want to have him here.  His dad wants to "parent" when it's convenient.  When he's not too busy.  I agree that they deserve to have a home, but I think that he could have provided one as well.
Don't know what else to say.  Wish I wasn't alone.  Yet, I need to remember that I'm not.  Just because others tell me that God has issues with me doesn't mean that he does.  Just not sure what to do.
Guess I'll try to rest my pounding head.
blessings.

Survival

Some days, I feel giddy just because I survived.  Today and yesterday have been those days.  It's hard to be sick when I'm so incredibly busy and yet, beyond myself there is a wealth of strength.  God is my strength and my portion.  Yes, even in this hacking, sneezing, sniffing, spitting, blowing stage.  He doesn't need any more than what I am at any moment in order to get His work done.  Because He promises to always be enough. 
And He has been faithful.  This weekend was SO busy.  And this week is crazy with new school schedule and being a mom and doing paperwork and paying the bills and.......everything in the world that seems to conspire to cause me to despair.  But I do not.  I am giddy with excitement.  Knowing that it just continues to show His faithfulness.  His everlasting patience. 
And I have survived.  I am still standing...well, not at this exact moment, but you know what I mean. 
There is so much that I don't know how to do.  So many ways that I fail at being a parent.  But He will make up the difference.  I'm going to leave it to Him.  I'm going to listen to His voice. I'm going to let Him love me and hold me and be the strong One.  It's kinda nice.
Talked to my kids tonight about finances, about what their dad gives, about bills, about what I make...the whole shebang.  It was time.  "Wait, how much money does dad make?"  "What's he doing with all that money?" hahahhahahhahaha.  "Well, he does take us out to eat and he doesn't buy the cheap soda anymore."   hahahahahha.  I'm sorry, but this conversation was funny. 
I'm tired, but happy.  So happy.  For I am blessed.
blessing on you.

Drained

Today was a hard day.  It has all turned out fine.  It was actually full of really wonderful things.  But, my ex has a way of making me feel crazy.  He does little things that hurt deeply.  So glad it's not every day anymore. 
Today was spent celebrating my last son's 16th birthday.  It was good.  And it was hard.  Because another son had a meltdown.  Of which he has recovered from now, but for me, it is reminiscent of my relationship with my husband...how he would have to vomit all of his stuff and fight and be unreasonable....and then behave as if all should be ok.  I am working hard to teach my son a new model.  Talking it through.  Reminding him that I will always love him.  And that I trust that he loves me.  But, he said some really hurtful things.  Not that they weren't true....about how he can't really notice his dishes sitting around because our house is such a wreck....and more details.  It was a diversion tactic, I know.  And yet....on top of having my husband be manipulative today, it just did me in.  Like I melted inside.  And I had company all day.
One friend that was here is in deep need.  Life is falling apart around her.  A son needed to vent...a different son. And another girlfriend was needy too.  It is never "my turn."  I always have to be on call and ready to hear it, but today, I just needed to be the one to be weary, hurt and heard.   It was like everything was so much on top of the fact that I'm sick and exhausted.  It was a good day, but draining for me.  Because I know that I have to be spot on, wide awake, ready to rock and roll tomorrow.  And I have been physically and emotionally taxed.  I find that my ex has a way of still finding what he can do to hurt.....not to help. 
But I have a good night's sleep to look forward to.  And the excitement of a new job to propel me along.  But I have so much work to do and I feel rather alone in it.  Other people were talking about their friends that were coming in to help them and how their husband's do all of this stuff....or boyfriends....and I was thinking how alone I am in the world.  Sometimes it's really hard.  Not being without a husband...but not ever having had that kind of husband.  Sometimes it just hurts.
And sharing is nearly impossible.  Even with those I love.  That charming ex hovers around them.  Has his fingers sunk in deep.  It hurts me more than I am ever able to explain.  In a very deep place.  Though I can intellectually figure out how it needs to be for others. 
I should sleep.  Made a mistake of checking my email.  He wrote.  Didn't say anything horrible...it's just always so emotional to see his email address pop up because I don't know what's coming. 
Needing a good, long holding on hug. 
Needing sleep...I was not even a good hostess because I finally said that they could stay and talk but that I had to go lay down....ah, the words of every good hostess. :)  Oh well.
blessings.

Absolute Goodnes

God is good.  I know, it seems like an obvious thing to say.  And years ago, I would have agreed.  But, I spent so long with someone who made life so hard and was so quick to be unhappy, unsatisfied.
So, in this new time, I am experiencing this rush of remembering how good God is.  How light His burden is.  How easy His "yoke".  He actually and for real loves me for me.  Really.  With absolutely no performing on my part.  It's....revitalizing.
The other day, I noticed so many people smiling my way at the grocery store and all around.  Made me so happy.  And in this sudden flash, I realized that they were RETURNING my smiles, not initiating.  That they were responding to the absolute joy bubbling out and over.  I have been infused by the goodness of God.  How He is meeting my needs.  How He is healing my heart and soul.  How He is GOOD.  Not hard or demanding.
I am absolutely joyful.  And life isn't easy.  And learning this new job is really hard.  And I don't get much rest being a single parent and there are sssooo many responsibilities.
But, I get to not worry about it.  I get to be in the moment.  To breathe in and breathe out.  To let Him take care of me. 
I have to say....it's the most amazing thing ever.  He is the most amazing thing ever.
blessings.

Full

My life is full.
It's full of satisfaction.
Of love.
Of hope.
My life is full of people.
Of dreams.
Of laughter.
It's full of anticipation.
Of believing the best.
Of encouragement.
It's sometimes full of trepidation.
Of wondering.
Of concern.
It's full of faithfulness.
Of God.
Of others.
It's full of contentment.
Of food.
Of rest.
My life is absolutely full.
Without regrets.
Except for when I choose to forget.
When I choose to worry.
When I choose to let fear rule.
I spent too long there though.
Now, I might stop in for a visit,
but I like to be right back on my way.
Because the fullness of love,
of kindness,
of joy,
of blessings,
of children,
of friends,
of peace....
of God Himself,
is enough.
blessings on you, my dears.

life changers

How many lives have I touched?  Have I touched yours?  A quote from the Num3ers show.  Made me think.  Because so many have touched mine.  So beautifully.  And my greatest desire is to be used in theirs.  To point to Him.  His grace.  Even towards me.  He is enough.  He is good.
blessings.

Making Myself Grow Up

I made myself stay on task today by giving my son my car to take to church and then work.  Not having my car means that I won't run to my friend's house for solace or for company.  It means that I'll make do with one of the  hundred things that I have to do here around the house.  And in doing that, maybe I will be able to allow my friends needed space.  I've been needy.  I know it and yet I just am what I am right now.  I can't change it.  But, I don't want to be that pain in the butt friend.  So, here I am.  Books in place.  Working on my classroom stuff.  Well, working on becoming familiar with it at least.  It may not be a huge step, but I feel like doing this was my way of thinking of others.  Of refocusing again.  Of learning once again how to give and not just receive.  Can't say that it has been easy.  Like solitary confinement in a way.  Yet....peaceful and good too.  Now, for a tv break.  Yes, I definitely get to reward myself. 
blessings.

Courage My Love

Courage My Love.
The quote I saw at a swap meet in LA this summer.   Near Hollywood.  It spoke to me at some deep level.  Still does.  Several times a day, it comes to mind. 
Speaking it to myself...learning to love myself.  To treat myself as loved.  To have courage.  And to be proud of having it.
Speaking it to others.  Showing them that I see their courage.  That I appreciate it.
Hearing it from the heart of God.  He said not to be afraid that He is with me.  But, hearing it as "Courage, my love," just speaks into my heart so much.  I feel a deep sense of comfort.
Courage my love.  You are worth it.  You are beautiful.  You don't have to have it altogether.  You are valuable.  You are going to make it.  Keep walking.
Courage my love.  Yes, I'm talking to you.
blessings.

Do All to the Glory of God

Whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do all to the glory of God.  Wow.  That's a tall order.  But as I'm working on this day toward my upcoming classroom.  As I pour out my heart wondering what will be best for the kids.  As I think and plan and dream.  I give all that I am.  Not just my mind.  Not just my heart.  Not just my body. 
Everything.  My prayers.  My abilities.  My weaknesses.  My faith.  My hopes.  My passion.  All.  And that is what it means to serve Him.  To do it for Him.  To not question whether I can.  I already know the answer.....frankly, I can't make kids learn, I can't change their lives forever.  But, I know the One who can.  And He has allowed me to be in this place at this time as His hands and love in these young lives.
So, I work.  Then I take a break.  Because, frankly, it is totally overwhelming.  Really.  In a good way.  But it consumes.  It builds me up while at the same time sucking out my creativity, thoughts and plans.  Work.  Rest.  Work.  Rest.  Hmm.  A healthy pattern.  I like that.  I'm learning.  I'm loving this place in my life.
I love my own kids to distraction.  They amaze me.  Though they struggle and have problems, they work through it.  I'm proud of them.
Can't wait to see my new "kids".  It's going to be love at first sight.  Because they are the ones God has chosen for me.  Now, may I keep remembering that it's not me.  It's Him.  For His renown.  For His glory.
For my benefit.  Because His plans are to benefit me.  Love how it all works together....for good.  And I am called.  For His purpose.  Scriptures are amazing when they get stuck in our hearts.  Better than just in our minds.  Because then, in the moments of greatest need, they jump forth to fill the need.
blessings.

Not My Anniversary

Today, I wasn't married for 22 years.  I would have been.  Some might say that I should have been.  I got an email saying that he remembers today and its significance.  What does that mean?  Remembers the promise?  I remember too.  I remember hopes.  And dreams.  I remember the giddiness.  The fun of the day.  I remember meaning my promise.  And yet, here I am.  Not because I didn't mean it.  No, it's something so hard to define for me.  But I have to say that I'm so relieved to be here toay.  That the gift of the year has been this sense of being able to breathe.  To not feel constantly afraid.  He scared me.  He didn't make me feel safe nor secure.  He took confidence from me.  He was not the man that cared about anyone but himself.  And that is too bad.  So sad.  Hurtful.  And there came a time when I just had to get him to quit hurting me.  If I asked, he didn't hear.  If I supported him, he lapped it up but didn't give back.  He took what he wanted to fill himself, but didn't fill his family.  He didn't protect.  He didn't care.  Until that moment when it began to effect him.  When people were going to know.  When he was going to lose.  It still has never had anything to do with anyone outside of his own self.  And how sad that is. 
Investing your life is the biggest investment you make.  It's not like money where you can always make more.  Every bit you give is gone.  And I gave and gave and gave.  But somehow, it was never enough.  And the end result was that it was destroying my health, my emotions, my confidence and my ability to function.  I couldn't even serve God or do the things that I'm gifted to do.  And after more than twenty years, I failed.  I quit.  I said goodbye.  I made a choice.  I wasn't looking for someone to make me happy.  I wasn't looking for someone to fill me.  I was looking for a way to simply be able to breathe.  To be allowed to function.  And the word allowed came out so naturally and now I look at it and it occurs to me.....so many things that I felt disallowed to do or think or be and yet I was an adult.  I can't say that I don't care what happens to him.  I care.  I love in a different sort of a way.  I wish no harm.  But I am very thankful to be on this side of those legal papers.  Done. 
I'm happier.  I see it in photos.  I wonder if it's as obvious to others as it is to me.  Like a weight has been lifted. 
I'm not saying that God couldn't have done it.  I prayed for it.  Lived for it.  Looked for healing.  For wholeness.  But he didn't.  He liked things just how they were.  He liked being jealous.  He liked being a victim.  He liked getting the good from me.  I don't think he ever considered that there would come a time that I would stop.  Because he used my religious convictions to hold me to a promise.  But it was a promise he has already broken.  Had given up years before.  If he ever had it at all.  Because life was about him.  And because of my personality, that was ok to a degree.  I like to give.  But, it's like a leech.  One now and then won't hurt you.  But too many....all at once....they suck you dry. 
And God is in this time.  He goes before.  He comforts.  He lifts my head.  He hears my tears.  He fills my heart.  And no matter what, I know that He has allowed this into His plan.  Not because He likes it, but because sometimes things are used to show people the way back to Him.  I hope that my ex finds Him.  Find Him not in rules and regulations, but in the reality of daily life.  In everything.  Not as a way to keep others in line, but as a relationship.  And, I also feel like God can use it as justice.  For, He is just.  And He does not want me to willingly allow myself to be abused.  Misused.  Treated unkindly.  It wasn't my first option.  It wasn't even my hundredth.  It was way down the list.  The last one.  The......I can't live if I can't breathe. 
So here I am.  Celebrating it alone.  Didn't tell the kids.  Nobody else really knew.  Didn't get any cards...go figure.
And I love that I will sleep peacefully tonight.  That I will be rested and able to breathe.  I am thankful.
blessings.

the perfect life

Here I am.  I am poised, ready to jump from the high dive.  My heart is pounding.  My mouth is dry.  Everything in me shouts, "just climb back down the ladder!" Fear is as tangible as the ice that dangles from the house on a dark winter's day.  Though the weather is sunny and warm.  My stomach clenches.  I curl my toes.  Tighten my hands into balls.  I take a deep breath.  But it catches part way down.  I have the sensation of suffocating.  Then, I bounce a little.  Close my eyes.  Imagine the possibility of doing it.  Open my eyes.  Stop thinking.  Stop worrying.  Stop.  Am still.  In heart.  In mind.  In body.  And, I jump.  I enter the water not with great flair nor fashion.  I don't win the gold.  I'm not even in a competition.  The water is cool.  I break the surface laughing.  Happy.  Aware of having done something huge.  And from that moment on.....I know that I can do the big things.  That fear is not truth. 
This new job is my high dive.  I have all of those feelings.  But God has blessed me with enough other high dive experiences that I'm ready to jump.  It doesn't make the fear go away....it just allows me to see past it.  To the perfect life He has planned for me.  No, not a life that is perfect.  Just the one that I am created for.  For this time. 
blessings.

vacation

i've been out of touch for quite a long time.  a couple of weeks.  and it has been good.
i've been traveling.  enoying my kids and friends.  enjoying the beach.  enjoying car rides.  and shopping.  staying in hotels.  swap meet, thrift stores, rummage sale.  i've been enjoying not being afraid to return home.  for the first time that i can remember, panic did not set in when thinking of returning home.
i was at peace.  traveling.  at peace knowing that it was going to end soon.
it was good.
more writing later.  kinda tired now as we drove all night two nights.
blessings.