Emotional Paralysis

It's really funny how knowing that my husband is going to be gone frees me up.  I am starting to think about the things I can do and enjoy while he is gone.  The things I can do around the house.  How I won't be making him think that I'm trying to curry his favor.  Because, I'm not anymore.  Don't need his favor.
Well, ok, I wish that it would have been that he actually liked me for who I am, but he doesn't, so I'm going to have to get over it.  But when I say he doesn't he tells me how brave and good I am.  Funny how maybe that has given him the feeling that he could leave me to fend for myself.  That he didn't support what I needed or wanted.  Funny how when people I loved died, he barely mentioned it.
He was angry after my grandparents were both gone because I put the money I got into our house (that I also got from my grandparents.) It finally came out that he had planned on "retiring." That grated on me.  A lot.  He had never mentioned it.  He just assumed that he could do as he pleased with any money we ever get.  With his parent's inheritance he can retire.  But, that will probably be a long time off.  I won't be around to spend it.  I'll be beaching it.  And loving it.  I'll be enjoying every breath.  I will live in joy and peace.
When he is around, I am paralyzed.  When he goes, I am better.  I discovered it by accident over the years.  A sad but true fact.  He is damaging to me.
I need to remember that when I get so down on myself.