I'm Braver Than I Think

A few days ago I told my best friend that a good friend from the past told me that I need to make a counseling appointment.  I could have kept that info to myself.  I could have done a lot of things.  But, I risked and told my friend because I know that she has wanted me to go as well and would help me to get to it.  She checked in on my progress today....what do you know, it hadn't even crossed my mind!!!
So, after a walk and some doggy play time, I came home to message the counselor.  But, alas, she has her facebook down for the summer and I didn't know her email address.  Safe, right?  I tried.  No deal.  I got online and looked up the church, found the counseling center, found her number and.......gasp.......I called it.  I even left a message which included the best times to reach me.
This is hard for me for a number of reasons.  My husband is so tight with money....and I don't really even want him to know that I'm going.  He will think that I should be going to get fixed to make things all better for him.  And, maybe that is what happen.  I can't really say.  But, I know that for now, I just need to go and talk to someone without worrying about what I have to say.  There's the rub.  The counselors at my church know my husband.  Well.  They admire his singing. They love that he works with the sunday school.  And I feel small.  I feel like I'm going to face more guilt.
The thing is this....I am finally brave enough that if that does come, I will take a stand.  I will go somewhere else.
One other thing.  There's this guy counselor at the same place that took sides against a friend of mine.  I don't know if I can face seeing him there.  We went to sunday school together.  We were supposedly friends, but he never ever got it.  I keep getting the message from him that forgiveness is for all things for all times.  But, while I think that I can forgive, I'm not sure that's how I want to live....with someone who demands that I extend unlimited grace without reciprocating.  Who has no clue what it costs me to live trying to make him happy.
But, I've taken a step.  I'll continue to do it one step at a time.  And....eventually, I will get to the top.
Scared and yet relieved.  Gives me a sense of control over my own life.  Less sense of hopelessness.
So....here we go.