I know that it's strange not to feel jealous or anything like that. I am totally over that. It's like a sense of clarity comes. A sense of relief in knowing that I'm not the one who makes him happy and that fixing that isn't my job.
I have toyed with jobs in other places. With divorce in the now as opposed to in the future. I have toyed with it because it seems a waste of his life to be tied down with someone that he struggles to simply love. Ridiculous, actually.
Maybe I am. I see it in people's eyes. Sometimes. I'm probably a little hard to love. Ok, maybe a lot. I don't really know. For me, I'm just me. But for too long, I tried to be that other she....the one who did what he thought was good and right. And, it has damaged me.
And I can't fix it. I don't have a place to speak it aloud, so I get to wonder if somehow I am just such an odd person that perhaps I don't deserve love? Not worthy or something. He makes me ill at this point with acting conciliatory. But there's always the barb. Unfortunately, his behavior has made me ultra sensitive to others. Meaning that I have to simply realize that the people in the rest of my life don't know what I'm going through on a day by day basis and that their random remarks or behaviors really have very little to do with me. That's hard because I am so very tender.
Amazing how 20 years of being isolated has left me just that....without a safe harbor. I wonder if that was intentional. How he didn't allow me to go to the people to visit in TX. How he didn't encourage those relationships for me. Hmmmm. And yet, now, he wants me to be close to people I don't know who he feels are somehow "on his side."
I am lonely. But while not ok with it I'll live.
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