Motivation

Getting going for the sake of getting going.  Not to please someone.  Not to be known for being a certain kind of person.  Not running away.  Not hiding out.  Simply doing the things that I would like to do or get done or receive pleasure from.  Not easy.  Doesn't seem like it should be that hard.  But it is.
I am finding simple pleasure in being able to wake up at any time and be awake to read or write knowing that I will be "allowed" to sleep in the morning without anyone to make me get up or staring at me.  Or bothering me.  He gets up early on saturdays and makes a lot of fuss in the kitchen cleaning up, making his oatmeal or egg.....sits where he can see me when he eats.  I spend these days feeling like I can't move or I'll be expected to get up.
And nights are the same.  Have to be "asleep"  or I have to be available to him.
But, I am happier being in the living room than I was being in the  bedroom.  I am not all better with this arrangement, but it is better than it was.  When someone talked about going into the bed and climbing in with him again.....I actually shuddered.  My stomach tightened.  Never again is my thought.  I will never again put myself in the place where I am that vulnerable to him.
But do I just say that this is it and please go?  Or do I leave it as it is for the sake of the others around?  I really don't have an answer.  It troubles me that way.  I could sell the house.  But, I don't feel like that would be good for my kids.  Not yet, at least.  But, times are changing.  I am changing.  I am willing to figure out how to make it on my own.  Not without my kids.  And, I don't want to argue about them.
The other night, before he left for his reunion trip, he was laying on the guilt about how only one of the kids was going to go with him.  How hard it was that his FAMILY wasn't going with him.  How he might never have another trip with his kids and family.  I told him that they had a choice when I went on a trip too.  He said that it was because I had a beach house to go to.  Well.  Guess that solves that.  They didn't want to be with me.  Just like the beach house.  He continued on about how he didn't get to go and how he wasn't invited.  At least this year he didn't get to include that I cost him money.  Although, he keeps saying that I should spend it on more practical things for everyone.  That trip and every other one like it  that I've done are a part of what has kept me sane.  But, more than that and even deeper, they are my gift of specific memories for my children.  My legacy to them of going away and resting and enjoying and doing the simple things.  Seeing the area.  We don't go and spend a ton of money.  Or do all of the touristy things.  We do some.  We choose which ones each person really wants to do.  It's so easy to travel with the kids.  So easy to breathe and relax.  We get up and take it a day or two at a time.  Sleep in.  Take naps.  Take walks.  Read books.  Watch movies.  Play games.  Listen to music.  Sing songs.  It's just comfortable.  He makes me incredibly and horribly uncomfortable.  Life has been hard around him.  For the duration it has been hard.  Not to say that I didn't love him.  But to say that I thought that he would reciprocate love and acceptance.  That he would find me worthy.  Instead, he found me shameful.  Instead he has left me to "protect" myself when the hard times come.  And I simply can't go back.  He was talking about a vacation and all I could think was that he was getting more than I felt like I had to give by simply being in the room.
So, it is hard for me to feel genuine motivation.  Not the kind that is spurred by doing something because he is coming or because he's not around and I can.  I am rather sick of having my thoughts and actions completely ruled by him.  By his desires and expectations.  I want to actually get to wake up on a day and see how I feel about things.  Who knew that that could become soooo very difficult?  Who knew that I wan't going to be allowed the simple pleasure of being myself?