Tired of Trying

You know, I thought that I could go and talk to someone.  Get some help.  Figure things out aloud.  I thought that somehow maybe someone had or would hear me.  But it turns out that the truth is that people don't want to be involved in the messy, stinky harshest parts of life.  They want to remain unscathed.
So, frankly, I think I like how it was before.  I liked it better not assuming that anyone would be "on my side"......on my team.....there for me and not having to be fair to him too.
I am discouraged and hurt.  I am wanting a better day today, so I am writing this here to get it out.
I had my hopes up.  Getting them up makes for a much further fall when hurt comes.  I hate that.
I still have lots of hope.  I still know that my decisions are mine alone.  I am still learning how to be strong. Hot to believe that I am worth it.  I have to do it even with no person walking with me.  It's so stinkin' hard.  So hurtful.  So amazingly lonely of heart.
But, the truth is that it is better than living in the place of denial.  I would rather be here, alone, than back trying to please the man that was supposed to be the one who loved me and stood for me and was on my side.  Oh, wait, I get it...it was supposed to be him, and there's nobody else going to do it if my husband doesn't.  Nobody else will particularly find me worth it.
Ah ha.
Oh well.  I am still going forward.  Yesterday I started looking for houses in Oregon again.  Because it's hard to think that I am in a place where he has half of everyone...not just everything.  I know it's selfish and wrong.  I just want someone who is the one who hears me and me first.  Who wants to see me.
Ok, I'm done.  Have to get to work.  Busy day.