Today I might try to make church service with my kids. I love going with them, but my husband always is there at that service. So, today, he has to go to first service because he is giving blood during second service. So, I am reservedly hopeful.
I love praise music. I love the time of connecting. Well, I did. But now, it's just so difficult. My life as others see it is a sham. It's as if they think they know me...people who have not spent the time to see me. As if they think that my life is perfect and that I am so lucky. When he sings at church, the women swoon around me telling me how happy it must make me. What would make me happy would be for the whole thing that I've striven so hard to have to be real. I don't need fake. Don't need a mirage. I need sustenance. And I wonder if I'm willing to give him another chance...Chance one million and two. And, I don't think that I am. Even though it makes me hard hearted. Or unforgiving. I'm neither actually. I have a very tender heart that longs not to do harm. I see people. I see him. But he has trampled on my hopes, my dreams, my personhood for twenty years. I have had moments of thinking that it could actually be alright. I am nothing if not hopeful. Hopeful to a fault. I have kept thinking that "eventually" it would all be ok. That I would cease being so wrong in his eyes. That he would choose me over his mother. That he would actually ever hear me.
Even now, he will not hear me. He chooses what he wants and how he wants it and then acts all passive, but he is not. He is selfish. Life is all about him. Always. Period. No kids nor wife has ever changed that. What he wants. How he wants it. And he would say that look at all he has had to give up. All of the times he has had to be so uncomfortable. Screw him. I am done feeling sorry for a grown man who just won't grow up and face what it is to put anyone but himself first. And then live like he is God's gift. He never used to read his Bible. Ever. Nor pray with his family. Except at meals. He has never given one iota of spiritual leadership to his kids. Well, except for being a sunday school teacher....but really, that is about him. In the setting of his own home, he has nothing to give.
He works his butt off. Really. But he will never do what anyone else needs. Unless the person is outside of our home and it will earn him accolades. And, sometimes, even then, he will guilt them or be condescending. He will say to them how they could do the job. Or how they should have taken care of it. Or any of a thousand things that mean, "aren't you lucky I am willing to give you my time and expertise to dig you out of this?"
And all of that gives me the creeps now. I know that others are probably blind to it. Probably so happy that he is such a good man that he shows up to help or whatever. But I know that he keeps a list. He wants to be and believes he is better than others. He proves it by doing things. And, conversely, I have quit doing anything for him. I have given up trying to look good. He tries to act like it doesn't matter, but the anger simmers just below the surface. He is trying to pull me back into his orbit. Into feeling sorry for him and how hard his life is. But I'm done.
I want out. I need out. I need to be the person I was created to be. If it didn't affect so many people, I'd be gone tomorrow. I'd pack and be done. Seriously. I am so finished.
But who do I tell that to? How do I disappoint the teens and the friends who depend on the consistency of what there is? It may not make ME happy, but it makes others happy. That is truly difficult for me. The hardest part of all.
And he won't walk away. He won't make it easy. Because he has to look good. He has to be righteous. So, it's going to be on me.
I really did try. Above and beyond. And pray wholeheartedly to change. And to be kinder. More understanding. To be willing to do all that he needed. From house ot sex. And all it got me was self loathing because it was never enough. Ever.
Can I live like this until my daughter is grown? I just don't know. One year down. Five to go? My heart shrivels and hides and trembles. It is wearing on me horribly. I think that is not going to work. Though I wish it would. I wish that I could save all of those that I love from the pain of separation and change. But I can't. Eventually it will happen.
I want to be spiritually sensitive. Aware of the right times. I want to be tenderhearted. Not toward him alone, but toward the many people who are affected.
I want to be prepared. I don't want to run into something and have been foolish. Because I really don't want his money. Really desperately don't want it. I've begun to view it as his money because of his training. It wasn't mine. Ever. His. To lord over me.
So, work. I need good work. Consistent. I need to be ready to do it and do it well. I need to be able to do interviews. That is one reason that it's so hard to stay. My self esteem plummets nearly daily. But these last few days, I have strengthened my resolve.
I am still afraid. I know that I can end up alone. Completely. Without friends. But, there are people all over the world. I'm sure that some of them will find me worth knowing. Worth understanding.
Maybe.
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