When I Stumble

Today is a good day.  I feel brave.  I feel proud.  I am going to remember this day when the hard days come back.  Wen I start second guessing and wondering if I shouldn't simply go back and try to fix it all....I'm going to remember that I need to face up to who I am supposed to be.  And do that.  And perhaps I'll even be able to quit apologizing.  Quit feeling like I'm in the way in the rest of my world.  My husband has trained me in that too.
He used time when I'm away to do the things that he believes I should do better or differently.  Points it out to the kids.  He doesn't realize how often I speak with them, I guess.  How I hear what he says.  How, though he may act all meek around me, I know that it's simply a show because of what happens when I'm not around.
The hurt look and the dear.  yuck.  Enough already.  This morning it was "what kids are going to go with me to **** to visit my family.  Only one is going for sure.  The others I have been trying to convince.  Graduation wore hard on all of us.  The pain that they suffer when their mama is made fun of and talked badly about does not go away easily.  And though I can forgive his mother for not liking me, they are having a hard time swallowing the things that they are told and hear.  Especially since they know me better than nearly anyone in the world.
So, my self esteem is like a barometer....changes all of the time.  It has been so low.  But, I get to choose.  I get to live a new life.  Though we are both still here.
And, when days or hours come when I stumble, I'm going to remember how good it is to be free....to know the truth that I have value.  That my value is not determined by him.  And from there, I'm going to do my best to dwell less and less in the self loathing.  I'm going to move along.  I'm going to be strong.  I am braver than I give myself credit for.