Trepidation

The word trepidation always seems to come with the word fear.  I wonder why.  It means alarm, trembling, being troubled......quaking.  I think that I deal with more trepidation than I do actual fear.  The sense that I am not at rest.  Quivering.  Quaking.  Shaking.  Getting cold.  Getting hot.  Feeling overwhelmed.
It's sad to me that my life has come to that.  And happy that I have awakened to notice that it happened.  That I have lived more years trying to make things work than with things working.  That I have put aside being happy or peaceful for simply trying to keep the peace.  I want to live a new life.  I need a new -tion word because trepidation just isn't doing it for me.
Elation.  I want to live feeling charged up.  Not beaten down.  I want to live in hope, not in constant wondering what will go wrong.  I want to live ready to get up and go, not wondering where I can hide out.  I want to have adventures and not be forced to feel as if every difficulty is the end of life as I know it.
Yes, elation.  It reminds me of inflation.  Of breathing.  To be elated...filled up with good.  Good thoughts. Good habits.  Good hopes.  Good dreams.
Still, I want to whine in this little part of me.  Because he has done so much to harm who I am supposed to be.  And doesn't care.  That he used sex to make me feel like a prostitute.  That he withholds affection and compliments unless he thinks that he'll get something.  And yet a part of me thinks, maybe he'll change.  Maybe I'm being unfair.  I have a lot of things that are wrong too.
And yet....herein lies the difference.  I have spent the 20 years together believing in who he is and who he can be.  Encouraging his abilities.  Helping him push to try to do things that he'd be good at....like missions trips.  Singing.  Trying to allow him to see all of his God given potential.  I have seen his love of sports and have never hindered him from playing.  I have seen who he is and encouraged him to grow in those things.  To find joy and pleasure.
He does not reciprocate.  He does not see my strengths and help to grow them.  He sees me as the one who isn't as good as he is.  Not as responsible.  Not as busy.  Not as organized.  Not as frugal.  Not as smart.  Not as disciplined.  Not as....good.  That is his base belief about me.  He has said it.  Told me.  He has told me that he "prays to love me."  Nope.  Not good enough.
I am going to move from this trepidation to elation.  To looking forward.  Looking up.  Looking around. Not being afraid and hesitant.  Being bold and confident.  Being strong and courageous.  Being kind and giving.  I am going to be me.  Inside and out.
Make way!  Here comes..........ELATION!!!