Stubborn

I finally understand something about myself.  What many perceive as stubborn in me is actually when I'm too hurting, too overwhelmed, too close to completely going over the edge to do what someone wants or is asking.  Strangely, I am often compliant.  Often willing to do what others suggest or want.
But, there is this time when I just CAN'T.  Like now.
I'm being asked to find a counselor.  The idea is good.  I am on board.  I get the benefits.  But, I simply don't have what it takes to do it.  I got up my courage to think about talking about this stuff.  I confronted the counselor in person.  I did everything that I possibly could....all I can think is that she either doesn't have time or is looking to "give" me to someone else.  I appreciate the complexities that she would face if she took me on as a client.  But I really am hurting.  I feel........abandoned.  Like a failure.  I have tried to keep my word.  Tried for 10 days.  And I still mean to.
But, this week is so freaking hard.  It was supposed to be easier, but it's like I live in constant dread.  And how do I tell anyone?  I'm supposed to be glad that he'll be home soon.  Everyone assumes it.  Asks me at church.  Nobody knows how much it takes fro me to go to church.  To face those people whom I love, knowing that I am a failure to perform.  By choice.  That I could continue the game.  But I won't.
I found a couple of loving cards that I had kept from my husband today.  I kept them.  Though that was hard to do.  They were brief moments in an overall main idea that I wasn't enough.
I wish that he would simply stay in Texas.  Really.  Not kidding.  I just can't face the thought of it all.  And that I am always going to be the "mean" one.  The failure.
I'm not stubborn.  I'm not obnoxious.  At least....I wasn't.  It came with time.  With fear.  With covering my feelings.  Now, how to get back to being a person that I can admire.....