haunting. characters of my past. and present. the perfect, most wonderful house. seriously amazing. not fancy. old fashioned. hidey holes. plenty of rooms. comfortable. high ceilings. but. on the perimeter of the lives. not sure what to do. not included. keep asking where it would be convenient for me to sleep. never an answer. though things are happy. fun. eventually, i fix up a bike and go for a ride. on my own. feeling free. taking a breath. even awake, i can feel the breath that i took when i decided to step out of being ignored. decided that there was something that i could do that would make me happy without an answer. without being included in plans or events.
hmmm. guess my mind is working these things over.
because on my bike ride, it occurs to me. oh yeah, i get to choose, i own that house.
i own my life. i get to choose. i have to choose. and whether i choose to keep waiting for people to acknowledge me or whether i get on my bike and ride off is completely up to me. but if i stay in the position, it also means that i made a choice.
it was an uncomfortable dream for many hours of the night. one of those you keep going back to when you awaken and drift back off. i am definitely in a working things out stage. i looked up how much my house might be worth last night. monday i called the friend that has been pushing me away. she started out cold. uncomfortable. but i said my spiel. that i want to be here for her whatever she needs or whatever she decides, that i have no predetermined idea of what is good for her or how i hope things go in her marriage. i just want her to know that i am for her. support her. love her. she was still defensive. not mean. just not wanting or needing me. so i talked about her kids. let her talk about them. then let her go gracefully. i can be loving. i can be kind. i can't make her want me as a friend. not an acquaintance. a friend. she probably has enough already as she is quite popular. that's ok. i can still love. even if it's from the outside looking in.
because, as i reminded myself as i again worked things out in my dream......i have to choose. and i have to take responsibility for my choices. i've had to do so with church. that was hard. it was hard to tell my kids where i am. how it feels awkward. how it seems better to just let them have consistency and being comfortable. but i had to say that it's my choice. my decision. without badmouthing their dad. or people who really hurt me. without telling them that the lack of support has been crushing.
sleeping is good. because in this time of life, sometimes it takes my subconscious to remind my conscious self that life is good. that it's ok. that some things have really hurt. and continue to hurt. but i have choices. i own my life. and i have to choose what to do. lovingly and kindly to others, but also to myself. i forget that sometimes.
blessings.
hmmm. guess my mind is working these things over.
because on my bike ride, it occurs to me. oh yeah, i get to choose, i own that house.
i own my life. i get to choose. i have to choose. and whether i choose to keep waiting for people to acknowledge me or whether i get on my bike and ride off is completely up to me. but if i stay in the position, it also means that i made a choice.
it was an uncomfortable dream for many hours of the night. one of those you keep going back to when you awaken and drift back off. i am definitely in a working things out stage. i looked up how much my house might be worth last night. monday i called the friend that has been pushing me away. she started out cold. uncomfortable. but i said my spiel. that i want to be here for her whatever she needs or whatever she decides, that i have no predetermined idea of what is good for her or how i hope things go in her marriage. i just want her to know that i am for her. support her. love her. she was still defensive. not mean. just not wanting or needing me. so i talked about her kids. let her talk about them. then let her go gracefully. i can be loving. i can be kind. i can't make her want me as a friend. not an acquaintance. a friend. she probably has enough already as she is quite popular. that's ok. i can still love. even if it's from the outside looking in.
because, as i reminded myself as i again worked things out in my dream......i have to choose. and i have to take responsibility for my choices. i've had to do so with church. that was hard. it was hard to tell my kids where i am. how it feels awkward. how it seems better to just let them have consistency and being comfortable. but i had to say that it's my choice. my decision. without badmouthing their dad. or people who really hurt me. without telling them that the lack of support has been crushing.
sleeping is good. because in this time of life, sometimes it takes my subconscious to remind my conscious self that life is good. that it's ok. that some things have really hurt. and continue to hurt. but i have choices. i own my life. and i have to choose what to do. lovingly and kindly to others, but also to myself. i forget that sometimes.
blessings.
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